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How do you deal with feeling unappreciated and taken for granted

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  • How do you deal with feeling unappreciated and taken for granted

    After 12 years of being together, I just feel my husband never really thinks about me when making plans or about my desires and happiness (about the little things in life, not the major ones). Typical example. Last night, a family friend was visiting and we were trying to make dinner plans where all the families could get together. My kids had baseball, so I told me husband I would stop by for a quick bite after the game, but couldn't stay the whole evening since the kids have school the next day. I asked him to let me know what restaurant they picked.

    He never called to tell me what restaurant, he (not anybody else) picked a very expensive fine dinning restaurant that the kids couldn't go to. So I didn't go to the restaurant. After having dinner with friends/family, he came home and didn't even thank me for taking care of the kids so he could enjoy his evening. Its just assumed its my job to take care of the kids (I work full time too, I'm not a stay at home mom).

    I have told him several times how I feel unappreciated and taken for granted and how he just assums childcare is my responsibility. I have said it so many time that now he just rolls his eyes at me. So now, when stuff like this happens, I just yell at him. Not a healthy situation, but I don't know how to change this. Talking to him nicely doesn't work. On several occassions, he has acknowledged that I do a lot and he needs to step up his role of husband and father. But its just words, I never see any action. Just really frustrated and feeling unappreciated.
    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

  • This is a topic I've spent alot of time thinking on. I'm not married....and this is one of the reasons why. I have never understood why in any situation (stay at home mom or not), childcare is deemed the womans sole responsibility. Even for stay at home moms, their "job" hours should be no different than any other job. And when that work day is over, hubby gets home from his job, they should jointly as a couple care for their children.

    So if I understood correctly, your husband was not involved in the picking up of the children, or the baseball, or the concern about preparations for school the next day. I have heard it said "You teach people how to treat you"...and I believe it is often true. At some point along the way, you took on these responsibilities gradually and instead of him stepping up to the plate, he slid back into a complacent comfort zone of "ah well she's gonna take care of it so why should I?". What we HOPE for in that situation is that he would be so appreciative of your hard work he'd step up to the plate even more...but in reality that doesn't seem to happen often.

    I'd be frustrated too if I were you. Have you thought about adding in gradually some responsibilities for him? Like maybe he takes the kids to baseball, and while they're at baseball you do something you enjoy?
    "Be what you're looking for."


    • I totally get how your feeling, I'm a stay at home mom, my husband is gone AM to AM and he and I get so frustrated with one another bc he thinks he should sleep and let me handle the late night and early morning feedings... And I think he should help.
      We work it out of course and he helps. But I feel like he expects me to be full time all the time baby care. I clean house, take care of baby, pay bills, go to the store, all on my own.

      I have to take these responsibilitys bc he isn't home to do any. But if your hubby is
      available I would do as BD suggests and give him some duties to do. And enjoy some r an r.


      • Being equally responsible for the kids is something I have given up on. I have just accepted that if I want the kids to be raised a certain way, I just have to do it myself. What I am upset about is that he never thinks about me for the small things in life and they really do matter. I told him I would be bringing the kids to the restaurant (where else could the kids go). Wouldn't anybody with half a brain pick a restaurant kids could actually go to. It never crossed his mind that I couldn't come and what is worse is that it didn't bother him at all that his choice excluded me from enjoying dinner with friends. He had a good time out while I got to stay home taking care of the kids!

        All I want is for him to be considerate and think about my needs and feelings. Sometimes I feel like he has forgotten that I am a person that actual needs consideration and I am there just to serve his needs and take care of the kids, household and other social responsibilities.
        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


        • That is SO unbelievably rude and thoughtless of your husband to do. What did he say when you yelled at him? Did he realize what a stupid error he made? Or did he scoff like you were overreacting?

          I definitely agree with the others that you are in some serious need of r-and-r, some YOU time. So pick a date, tell your husband you're going out with your girlfriends or getting pampered somewhere, or even just going to the park to get some fresh air and people-watching in. And leave him with the kids, preferably on a night with the kids have an uber busy scheduled day so he can see how much fun it is for you to run around dealing with after school activities, sports, friend dates, etc with no support.

          I just don't understand this thought-process that some men have. They had equal part in CREATING the children, and yet somehow think that they aren't equally responsible for their care? WTH?


          • Sorry I didn't mention this but.... He was acting completely selfish and I would have been completely livid. You said you yell at him bc talking doesn't work... Did yelling get through to him that night? I hope it did. It is unfair for you, but you do it. He could at least give you a "that a girl" every now and then. I don't no how things work in your house hold but it sounds like its time to get even...

            Mention seeing a counciler or therapist.

            You don't deserve to be made the house slave. You deserve respect, understanding, and consideration!


            • I agree with the suggestion of leaving him with the kids for a day so you can have some "you" time. We don't have kids yet, but I am a stay at home wife. My husband doesn't expect me to do everything with chores, and helps when I ask him to. I think part of that is that I leave him to himself every so often when I go to events, and when I come home to piles of dishes and dirty clothes (it happened twice- never since) and yelled at him, he understood why it was a problem. So, if you've already done the discussing/yelling portion, the next step is to stick him with the responsibility. Can you get a hotel room for a couple days, or stay with a friend? If you both work, there is **no** reason for him to think that the kids are just your responsibility. You didn't get pregnant on your own, and shouldn't be expected to raise the kids on your own.


              • I would look for a Hobby, An Art Class or Readers Club, Sewing or Quilting, Gardening or even just a Volunteer at a Church or Food Bank. Find something in the Evenings.

                Talk with the Kids and let them know that twice a week they will have Daddy Time in the Evenings, so you can Have Mommy Time. Daddy will Cook/ Get Dinner, Help with Homework,Take to and from Games and help in getting ready for Bed. They can Help Daddy with Dishes and cleaning up any Messes they make while having Daddy Time, so the house is clean, just as if you were home with them that night.

                Get the Kids excited about the Daddy Time, Daddy's Going to take you to Baseball, Daddy's going to be there and Root for the Team, You'll have Talk or Play time with Daddy, after chores and Homework are done of Course.

                Then sit down with Hubby and explain that you take care of the kids 7 evenings a week and you Deserve away time, so On ( fill in Day/ Eve) you will be at Class ( Hobby ) and pick another Evening that is a " Mommy Date ",one that he will have to care for the kids for a few Hours. So You can do things for yourself . He will also have 2 Days a week That are his " Daddy Dates ".

                Have this Planned out, get a Whiteboard or big Desk Calendar to put on a Wall, Mark the Days you will Have Your Time... This can be Flexible, but if he Can't do a " Daddy Day, he must trade a Day. Meaning if he has a Meeting on Tuesday and that's Your Mommy Day, he can Switch it to Wednesday or Thursday or Whatever Day, as long as you get your Two days a week.

                You can also Plan a Mommy & Daddy Day/Evening.. Where you are both there equally taking care of the Kids, If it's a weekend , that's even better. Make the Morning an All Of us " Clean Up Day." Yard work, Dusting, Vacuuming, Laundry, Floors & Windows. Dad is In Charge of ( fill in Blank )
                Mom's in Charge of ( Fill in Blank) .

                Switch the Chores and which Kids does what with which parent is in Charge. This will also teach the kids to help with all the different chores and give them Time with Each of you. Make the Chores Fun, make and equal List and have it a Race to see what Team gets done First. **** Done Right of Course **** Lol

                Always have an Afternoon/Evening Reward, a Movie, Pizza Party, Beach/ Lake /River / Bowling/ Lazer Tag or Zoo if one is Near. I'm Sure there is something that can be Done as a " Family Day " once a week.

                This Leaves you with 4 evenings , Him with 2 and you both with 1 with the Kids as sole responsibility.. I'm sure he will learn to Appreciate the things you do on your 4 days,Enjoy his 2 days " off ", Respect that you deserve your 2 days off , And hopefully your whole Family Enjoy the " Family Dates ".

                Worth a Try, it's that or you hire a babysitter twice a week, so you can have some Time to yourself . And make sure it come's out of his " Play Money " Lol, not yours or General Household Funds .. And make sure babysitter is an Older Grandma Type that will make his Sitting in his Chair doing nothing after work, seem " Lazy "..


                • Thanks for all the suggestions, but I am not trying to get him to take care of the kids more. I do have my own activities although since he works long hours, I have to get a baby sitter for that. I do most stuff for the kids because when I leave them with him, they usually eat McDonalds and watch lots of TV which I don't like. So I either have to let that go, or do it myself. I choose to do it myself since raising the kids a certain way is very important to me.

                  My issue is that I don't feel appreciated. Just because I do everything for the kids, don't assume its my job. A thankyou would be nice. When I say I had a tough day and I'm rubbing my shoulders, I would like him to offer me a backrub. When he is going to be late from work and won't be home for dinner, to call me and let me know so I can put the left overs away in the frig. When I pack him lunch (which is almost everyday), TAKE IT! For mother's day (the one day I'm supposed to take it easy), don't let me be in the kitchen washing last night's dishes. For my birthday, don't just buy that expensive gift, but actually put some effort into planning a nice day instead of saying we are going to the movies, but then I have to find the theater, time and ask my SIL to watch the kids.

                  I don't want to make my husband sound like a terrible guy. He does do special stuff for me, but its so rare. One year, he planned this huge birthday party with all my friends and we spent the night in the city. But then, other birthdays are just him buying me an expensive gift, often times something I don't even want but something he wants. No cake (I have a huge sweet tooth). No helping with chores that day. Nothing else that is put any effort into.

                  I'd rather be appreciated in little ways all the time instead of getting one big thing every 5 years.
                  Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


                  • Did he used to do special things for you before you were married, had kids, etc?


                    • Originally posted by KMonte85 View Post
                      Did he used to do special things for you before you were married, had kids, etc?
                      Yes, but it was easier back then because he didn't work such long hours and we didn't have kids. When I made dinner, he would always complemented my cooking. Not any more. I have to fish for a complement. All I want is for him to say thanks for making dinner. BTW, I cook everything from stratch so I think I go deserver a pat on the back for that when it is so easy to make frozen dinners.
                      Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


                      • I just wanted to make sure... if he was doing it then, it shouldn't be THAT much harder to do it now. It's not like you're asking for extravagence. A "hey honey - that dinner was DELICIOUS!" shouldn't be any skin of his hind end.

                        I would try discussing it with him again... as calmly as possible of course. And explain to him just how important it is to you, so much so that you're contemplating marriage counseling to deal with it (which maybe you should?) because you're growing resentful and that can poison an otherwise great marriage. He needs to open his ears and hear you, and maybe a little shock will do the trick, followed by praise when he does what you want!

                        "Baby, that dinner was AWESOME! And you're such a great Mom to our kids."
                        "Honey you have no idea how much those words me to me. I love you so much!" **smooches**

                        Or something like that. Positive reinforcement lol


                        • Yep...I just think you do too much and he has lost respect and appreciation. There's a good chance that because you felt like things needed to be done a certain way (it's a common trait in us gals... ) that instead of him conforming to your ways to please you, it was easier and less effort to just sit back and let you take over. Like "Well if I can't do it right I'm just gonna let her do it her way." What better way to get you to take on all the responsibility than to make you feel like he won't do things to your standards? So then you say "well it's just easier if I just do it myself..." and he sits back and thinks "she doesn't WANT me to do this stuff", all the while you're growing resentful because he's NOT doing those things. He stops making an effort and that carries over into other areas of your relationship. He looks at you in the motherly fashion .........and who gets taken advantage of with often little appreciation more than mothers do? NO ONE.

                          The giving him extra responsibility wasn't so much so you'd have the "you" time. That's a perk. But it's mainly so that HE gets the sense of partnership here... so that he has to be at home taking care of the kids while you are out doing something you enjoy rather than it being the other way around 100% of the time. No, getting a babysitter doesn't count. He needs to feel like he's a required part of this team. And he needs to understand that doing things wrong isn't going to get him out of doing them. But to SOME extent, you have to let him have the reigns a bit and not try to dictate how he handles things while you're gone. Increasing his sense of partnership in the marriage will increase your bond...and will likely increase his thoughtfulness towards you as he will view you more as a partner and not a mother.

                          I also think that sometimes writing a letter is the most effective way to get a message across when you've tried calmly talking about it and it doesn't work. It's kind of a way to pour your heart out...honestly and frankly. He can read it...adn then he can read it as many times as he wants to. He needs to know how unhappy this makes you and that as much as you love him and as wonderful as you two are together, you truly hate to see something like this destroy you. (Because inevitably....if it doesn't change...it will.) He needs to understand the severity of the situation...and that it's not just you "nagging".
                          "Be what you're looking for."


                          • It can be frustrating when your partner doesn't full appreciate what you do. What you need is quality time together away from everyone, even if it's for a hour. Sometimes re-connecting really does help situations like this.

                            If that doesn't work, give him the responsibility that you have, if he is in your shoes for a day maybe he will have a better understanding of what you do and have a better appreciation
                            The best things in life are free ....



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