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  • Sexual rewards

    Yesterday my husband took me to the beach and then to Sipz vegetarian restaurant. It was the best time we had together in months.

    Last night we were watching TV and I kissed him and asked him if he wanted to go upstairs. This was the first time in a long while that I initiated sex with him. He enjoyed the sex and I as usual couldn't get aroused but I went through the motions as best I could.

    This afternoon while fixing a late lunch, I was still feeling good about yesterday and last night. While we were eating, he asked me if last night was a reward for taking me out yesterday. I was so shocked by this question I didn't know what to say. Then I started getting angry so I ran upstairs. After thinking about it for a while, I think he is right. It was sort of like a reward. I still haven't answered his question because I don't know what to say. I want to tell the truth but I don't even know what the truth is.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
    ― Bodhidharma

  • Personally I think it is an okay thing in a relationship to essentially joke about things like this. I know that is not the case in your situation with what happened because your situation was simply a spur of the moment thing. But my bf and I will joke about if he makes dinner I will do "what he wants" later or he will jokingly say "okay I will make dinner but you owe me some oral time". Again not in a demeaning or controlling way but we joke about it. It works for us as rewards of sorts. If things are left as a serious reward it kinda takes away from the whole thing and enters the realm of "well I do not want sex but if you do what I want then I will reward you with sex"....that is not a healthy sexual relationship to me. Having a nice getaway like you have described does not fall into that controlling reward idea but maybe as a nice gesture of sorts, like the you scratch my back I scratch yours. Maybe that sort of thinking is what he was thinking when you two had sex.
    There are those who believe that dictionaries should not merely reflect the times but also protect English from the mindless assaults of the trendy.

    Comment


    • Tell him it wasn't a one thing gets another, it is that sometimes when he has been special during the day it turns you on and you end up initiating. Make sure he knows it isn't quid pro quo (an equal exchange). Don't be too shocked, he was trying to figure you out and he was honest with his communications. He could have been more subtle.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

      Comment


      • I think what is important, is what you felt before you initiated sex. If you thought "wow we really had a good time yesterday he was so good to me, maybe I should give him a special treat" than that is exactly what it was... a reward. If, on the other hand, you were feeling frisky and wanted make love for you own pleasure then no. Ask yourself, would you have done this if instead of a fabulous day, a normal day had passed. Independently, you mentioned that you had not initiated sex in a long time, and more importantly, that "as usual you could not get aroused".... This might be a more serious problem than if it was a reward or not.

        Comment


        • He wasn't kidding, we never kid around like that; maybe we should. Everything is always so serious between us.

          I told him it wasn't a reward for taking me out, it was something I just wanted to do for him because I was so happy. He knows it wasn't because I wanted sex, he can tell when I want it. I guess that sounded like it was a reward. I wouldn't have initiated it if I hadn't been so happy with him.

          I always have sex with him when he asks, even if I don't want to. I almost never enjoy if myself but I do it for him. If I had waited for him to ask this never would have happened. Now because I tried to do something nice, it backfired and there is more tension between us.
          [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
          Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
          ― Bodhidharma

          Comment


          • The basis of the problem is a good one. He made you feel happy and you wanted to do the same for him. I think where you erred was in making it about casual sex. Especially, if you don't enjoy it. This gives it a feeling of a task and reward rather than love. Now imagine the night differently, you head up there own your own and create a sensual environment with candles and music. You lay down and relax and start getting yourself in the mood (masterbation). When you are almost at climax stop and call him up. Trust me... that'd make his month, and more importantly, YOU would enjoy it. Sex is about connecting with your partner, and if one is constantly dissatisfied it cheapens the experience. My advice is to sit him down and explain that no it was not quid pro quo, but that you wanted to make him as happy as he made you, and that it was wrong that it came across as a reward. I bet his biggest fear is that he would have to do something especial everytime he wants to have intimacy or worst that you don't find him attractive. Make sure he knows this is not the case, then you must explore your sexuality. Make sure you are getting enough foreplay. Think back to any fantasy you had and revive them, also try to any new things you find interesting. Remember to a man sex is a very large part of love, its their main way to connect emotionally. So take care of your husband by genuinely increasing your sexual appetite, not just satiating his. Clearly you love your husband, but you can't imagine how much it means to him that you want him sexually AND emotionally, like he does you.

            Comment


            • Unless the sex is physically painful or emotionall distressful for you, I don't think "reward sex" is necessarily a bad thing in a marriage.. however I would remove the word reward and make it more about a compromise, as in you not doing him any 'favors'... but you trying to make him happy and feel good in the ways you know he needs/wants and him doing the same for you.

              Hopefully you get your sexual feelings back, and soon. But if you are happy in this relationship and you love this man.. I dont think there is anything to feel guilty about in wanting to make him happy when he's making you happy. I really would avoid making it sound like you are doing him a favor, that would be a turn off to the average guy. But more about you wanting to make him feel good, and perhaps him making you feel so good and happy inspired that.

              You reached out to physically connect with him after he mentally/emotionially connected with you. Just because it wasn't as pleasurable as its been in the past, as pleasurable as you hope it will become again... doesn't mean thats a bad thing.
              Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

              Comment


              • Casual sex? I don't think that's possible with your husband...

                Originally posted by chaya View Post
                I told him it wasn't a reward for taking me out, it was something I just wanted to do for him because I was so happy.
                Isn't this an answer? I don't get why this is not satisfactory or the truth. And didn't you initiate the kiss during the tickle incident?

                I think I get why he asked, as I have asked this question before. I wanted to feel like my wife wanted me for me, not just doing it as payment. I don't ask it anymore because it's an unproductive question. I just do my best to make it worth her while, enjoy it, and shut up. Love is about doing things for each other. There's nothing wrong with it and it shouldn't be overanalyzed.
                "Those sowing seed with tears
                Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                Comment


                • In a relationship, we do so many things that we usually don't enjoy/like but we do it because we enjoy/like making our partners happy. If you made your husband a nice breakfast and in return he took you to a chick flick that he hates but knew you would love, would you feel bad and be angry that he did it as a reward for the breakfast? There is nothing wrong with rewarding your parnter. They make us happy, so in return we want to make them happy. You could call it a reward or you could just call it loving somebody a lot.
                  Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by sp346 View Post
                    In a relationship, we do so many things that we usually don't enjoy/like but we do it because we enjoy/like making our partners happy. If you made your husband a nice breakfast and in return he took you to a chick flick that he hates but knew you would love, would you feel bad and be angry that he did it as a reward for the breakfast? There is nothing wrong with rewarding your parnter. They make us happy, so in return we want to make them happy. You could call it a reward or you could just call it loving somebody a lot.
                    If more people in relationships were generous like this with their partners, there would be more happy couples. One thing to add is to not be generous only rarely.
                    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                    ...
                    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                    Comment


                    • You lay down and relax and start getting yourself in the mood (masturbation). When you are almost at climax stop and call him up.
                      If only that would work for me, but I know it wouldn't. I have never been able to orgasm or even get aroused by masturbation. I've considered trying the hormone treatment my GYN suggested. I don't see how rubbing a cream on my skin would boost my libido but at this point I'm willing to try anything.

                      In a relationship, we do so many things that we usually don't enjoy/like but we do it because we enjoy/like making our partners happy.
                      I think the point is that I'm not making him happy. I have sex whenever he asks and it satisfies his physical need for sex but it don't make him happy because he knows I'm not "into it" anymore. There's nothing I can do about that short of learning how to fake it and I wouldn't know where to start with that.
                      [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
                      Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                      ― Bodhidharma

                      Comment


                      • I don't know what kind of stress you have in your life or what causes the seriousness that you mentioned. But maybe you need a day too put your worries aside. Go outside and play with him. Play a physical game foot ball, soccer, go swimming and dunk each other, tickle each other, play hide and seek. I no it sounds silly, but sometimes when I'm stressed out and stuck in my head, not able to get aroused. A day outside freeing my mind and having fun physical contact really helps.

                        Comment


                        • I think it is perfectly reasonable and desirable to sometime do something special sexually for your partner that you don't particularly like. The trick is that you want it to be a "gift", not a "payment". The difference is in both your attitudes - its about whether it felt like something you "had" do to rather than wanted to do.

                          That aside, for some couples a joking "payment" with sex can be just great. Its a bit of very light role-play that both can enjoy.

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