[Buttercup80]

Hi,

Our's is an arranged marriage. We stayed for 10 days together after which he went and I have been waiting to join him after the paperwork will be done.we usually skype because he does not call me. So we chat on weekdays and chat on weekends too. We have had fights on various issues that after his constant shouting I decided that I will not share my thoughts and keep limited communication with him. When he is on the verge to lose his temper for small issues I usually change the topic or leave saying some work has come up so that we dont fight anymore. I usually express how much I miss him but when I dont get any response- because he converts it to a joke or something...so ive stopped sharing my feelings with him. I miss his physical presence and when I try to take this topic up his response is do what you want to...Ive observed that he doesnt share much details about his work and life and things in general and i cannot keep a one-sided conversation going all the time - also because he usually responds in 'ok' to most of the things I share. I mailed him some egreetings to lighten things up and re-build but have not got any specific response from him. this weekend.. he had nothing to say and so did i. I feel wierd by now that we have nothing to talk about anymore and there are new couples who feel 24 hrs is less time for them... Im scared that will we have only silence when we are together... what do I do... he is not responsive and I feel disconnected by now. Please help me .
Buttercup80

[Ashlee T.]

So are you already married to him? Or is this something that is going to happen soon?

It kind of sounds like neither of you really wanted this marriage... like there is no love, only obligation. Is that accurate?

[Buttercup80]

we are married for the past 2 months but due to paperwork we are not together.

[Ashlee T.]

So you have never really spent any time together it sounds like. Or at least not enough to even really know each other or have developed any sort of romance etc. I expect this kind of situation resulting from an arranged marriage is extremely difficult, because when you do not know and love someone, it must be difficult to pretend that you do. It sounds like it is resulting in a lot of tension for both of you. I only hope for you that you are able to try to keep the tensions low and both of you realize that you don't even know each other right now so you cannot expect the other person to act and do like you want them to. Under different circumstances you might have met, developed chemistry, fallen in love and then gotten married. In your case, you will be doing it in the opposite direction. In my opinion after only ten days together in person, you two are still strangers....now married and bound together. Hopefully when you are able to physically be together you can learn more about each other and develop more of a bond.

Have you thought about perhaps doing a kind of getting to know you thing via skype or email? Like where each day you both share something with each other about yourself. Keep your other contact minimal and do not allow the contact you have to turn into fighting. You both are under ALOT of pressure right now. So try getting to know each other slowly and without pressure. In other words, pretend as if you are courting and unmarried.

[jns]

Men are many times much less loquacious (talkative) than women, but not always. He is rather typically male. As a male, he has learned to guard his feelings and not let them out. To him, your questions seem like prying. Try working on making jokes that he appreciates, even leaning ones from the internet to tell to him. Try to keep your conversations light if possible.

Marriage and then spending time apart in an arranged marriage is not how things were done in the old times. In Cambodia, the guy was expected to live with the girl's family for around 2 years and work for her father. This provided protection for the girl from her family as well as a framework of what was expected. Was that similar? Cambodian history has been heavily influenced by Indian culture.

By having a long separation at the beginning of an arranged marriage, you are essentially putting off the start of the marriage until you are together again. In a love marriage, long separations can also happen, but at least a lot of getting to know the other person has already taken place. Because of that, conversations when separated in a love marriage would not be so strained in most cases.

[jns]

I expect this kind of situation resulting from an arranged marriage is extremely difficult, because when you do not know and love someone, it must be difficult to pretend that you do.

As far as I know, in an arranged marriage, love is not something anyone pretends to have for the other at the beginning. Love is supposed to grow as the marriage progresses.

[Buttercup80]

Dear D,
Yes we havent spent much time together.....not enough for romance to develop...I feel girls do get emotionally attached..kind of in love with their man if they are emotional.. thats the case with me.. but somehow I dont see the same at his end ... So its definately not pretence from my end else i wouldnt be getting disturbed and missing him day and night... The tension well yes it exists big time between us at the moment...
I have tried to make a pt. not to get into any argument with him at the moment till we are together...we are still on different pages and he only focuses on his side when he puts things across whereas I try to atleast hear his side and try to understand wht he must be going through..but at one time I really lost it because its been very difficult for me.....so you are very right and am glad that u too feel that " Hopefully when you are able to physically be together you can learn more about each other and develop more of a bond." Im really counting on it.. because if it is still the same story afterwards then I will have to think further...


I have tried N no. of times to write him emails that ive never got a response to.. on weekdays he is in office and its only hi n bye ... weekends we used to fight... now when i try to talk and talk my heart out ..his only response is 'OK' to most things which makes me feel why am i talking then ! he doesnt discuss how is day /week was.. what did he do... no conversation ...! if I share about myself then he mocks making silly jokes..which puts me off further... i feel he has his mood and i have to go by it everytime.. which is very very irritating.... by the end of most 5 mins chats as he doesnt talk on skype anymore.... im left feeling low and questioning myself what i should do next. ! now i feel i should not go on skype anymore as it has to come from him sometime ! sometime.. atleast !
Butter

[Buttercup80]

Dear jns,

I really feel that whenever you have responded to my threads .. they have been so so so true...and you get the pt. easily.... yes he is a typical male...he guards his feelings.. but i dont question him which may make him feel that im prying .Im a very jovial person... or was but this situation and tensions have ended that in me... he doesnt respond to my jokes....most of the time his answer to most things i talk are 'ok'.... by now we only talk as strangers i believe bcoz of his lack of interest...

I talk to his mother 2-3 times a week but he never made an effort to talk to mine in the last 2 months..! so it made me insecure and i discussed with him twice but ended up telling him its OK... im here to take care of MY folks ! he will ask about my parents as a mere formality... n initially i used to share but when every answer is 'ok' ive started saying 'they r fine' ... ours is an indian wedding... we met and thought we can take it further.. in 2 meetings and got engaged..so most of the times we were busy making arrangements... the time between engagement and marr... he was busy with his visa renewal and i with winding up my research ...we got married and he went back.. since last 2-3 months the paperwork has caused a trauma to me and long distance has played a havoc to our relation.. so ....u are right when u say "By having a long separation at the beginning of an arranged marriage, you are essentially putting off the start of the marriage until you are together again. " thats what im counting on ..... but till then i dont see anything working.. not even 5 mins chats on skype or any conversation.... because we never talk about each other ever... when i do.. he makes mockery..or responds by'ok-ok' so by now i feel i dont hold any value for him anymore...

it seems as if he is not bothered how im handling this bcoz he is busy with his job on weekdays and weekends he is not interested in having a decent conversation... he calls his family and talks for hours... i dont know how to put it across... but his family puts undue pressure on me by asking me if v talked... when their own son doesnt! then im expected to call him and make a conversation.... ive made efforts by calling him once a while if he doesnt... by emailing which he hasnt replied to ever... by egreetings that never get acknowledgement... where am i supposed to go... what am i supposed to think...? we havent every talked of love... our lovemaking wasnt good... he used to turn over and sleep after he was satisfied and i was left with sleepless high n dry nights that i didnt even have the courage to tell him.. and now when i bring the topic up... he says do whatever u want to... no discussions..! what do i look forward then ..! just a paper to go join him and dont know if that period will also be full of only silence..!

[Buttercup80]

As far as I know, in an arranged marriage, love is not something anyone pretends to have for the other at the beginning. Love is supposed to grow as the marriage progresses.

absolutely.... love is supposed to grow... :-)