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Hanging out with another male while engaged.

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  • Hanging out with another male while engaged.

    What is your opinion on this?

    My ex (never engaged) would flip a b. about this even though he was on the other said of the world.

    My fiance also has a hugeee problem with this. At first I thought, he is being a little controlling and insecure. The insecure part may be true. I thought it was stupid. I mean, if he trusts me, which he should, what's the issue?

    But then I got to thinking... If he hung out with a girl without me, I'd be jealous too. Even if it was just a friend. I do trust him. But I think it'd make me a little upset.

    Anyone agree/disagree?

    I know everyone is different. Just depends how you feel personally.
    "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

  • Since getting married, I have made any new guy friends but I still do hang out with the old ones. Never alone, but not intensionally. It's just that we have families now. It depends on your relationship. I also hang out with my lesbian friend. He doesn't get jeolous over that. Why get jeolous with a guy friend.
    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

    Comment


    • I think it's an insecurity thing.
      "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

      Comment


      • My husband was deployed for a year and he never minded if I hung out with guys. Some husbands did, and we (my husband and I) think it's silly. If he wants to go hang out with friends, he's welcome to, gender doesn't play a factor in it.

        Comment


        • I think my fiance is a little too strict on that rule, but I think trust and maturity will help out a lot in the future. We're still growing.
          "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

          Comment


          • Some people are more trusting than others. Those who are trusting will gradually get back to trusting even after they have been hurt. They may stay away from intimate relationships, but will have trust of their friends. Those who don't trust, probably won't become more trusting as time goes on.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


            • My husband has no problem with me hanging out with guy friends. He doesn't care if he's there or not, he doesn't care if it's morning or night, he doesn't care if it's a group hangout or one on one, and sometimes he even watches the baby so that I can go hang out with my friends - guys, girls, whatever. We have a secure relationship, are very compatible, have minimal problems.

              But considering that your fiance IS insecure, your relationship IS NOT stable or secure, and you guys have BIG BIG BIG problems ... I don't know if I'd rock the boat in your shoes. At least, not if I wanted to batten down the hatches and secure the relationship.
              <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

              Comment


              • I agree with Little, above. Whilst his behaviour is a little controlling, hopefully he will learn to trust more with maturity, of both himself and your relationship together. I would make an effort to involve your fiancé with your male friends, they might get on well and everyone wins, he makes a new friend, you see more of your male friends, you get to hang out with all your favourite guys at the same time. If they don't get on personality wise hopefully your fiancé will just let you get on with it to avoid having to hang out with someone he's not compatible with again!

                The only question you should ask yourself is are you certain this man is only a friend and there are no stronger feelings from either side? If you have a clear conscience then you are in the right.
                Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

                Comment


                • I agree. I don't really have any desire to go hang out with any guys anyway.
                  I know the problem is he has been hurt before. Having girlfriends "hang out" with guy friends and they end up cheating.. And I know it's not okay that he puts that on me. But I know he'd be totally scared about it. But I am okay with it. I don't want to hang out with any males. I am more attracted to females anyway. I wouldn't want him with any other women either though. I'm the jealous type.

                  He is totally fine with everyone hanging out together. I'm not too concerned about it. At least me and him agree on this.
                  "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

                  Comment


                  • 99% of the time the guy friend wishes he could be with you lol and we guys aren't stupid. The other 1% dont' want to steal you but would sleep with you if given the chance lol

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by cat_like_reflexes View Post
                      99% of the time the guy friend wishes he could be with you lol and we guys aren't stupid. The other 1% dont' want to steal you but would sleep with you if given the chance lol
                      99% of the time statistics are made up on the spot.


                      I wholeheartedly disagree with you here. Give men a break... they're perfectly capable of having platonic friendships with women, and perfectly capable of keeping it in their pants. And women are smart enough to known when their guy friends have feelings for them and distance themselves. Not every co-ed friendship has an underlying story parallel to some stupid Tween movie plot.

                      Two people of the opposite sex can, and do, have appropriate, platonic friendships.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by AshB$ View Post
                        Having girlfriends "hang out" with guy friends and they end up cheating.
                        And this is exactly why I disagree with everyone.

                        My wife and I don't hang out alone with people of the opposite sex. It's necessary for both of us as most of my clients are female and my wife is in a male-dominated industry, but it's just business, not pleasure. Even going to get lunch with a coworker is something we are careful of getting regular about. And we typically let each other know when we're spending a lot of time with a coworker of the opposite sex. It's not silly, immature, or jealous, it's real. Your heart can betray you and I've seen it happen before with close friends who weren't careful. What started out as innocent all of a sudden has some uncomfortable feelings involved. It's human. For us, marriage is too sacred to have it destroyed or weakened by overconfidence. The reason we don't have to be jealous is that we protect each other and our relationship.

                        I don't think your fiancee is unreasonable on this issue. Why not just hang out together with friends?
                        "Those sowing seed with tears
                        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                          And this is exactly why I disagree with everyone.

                          My wife and I don't hang out alone with people of the opposite sex. It's necessary for both of us as most of my clients are female and my wife is in a male-dominated industry, but it's just business, not pleasure. Even going to get lunch with a coworker is something we are careful of getting regular about. And we typically let each other know when we're spending a lot of time with a coworker of the opposite sex. It's not silly, immature, or jealous, it's real. Your heart can betray you and I've seen it happen before with close friends who weren't careful. What started out as innocent all of a sudden has some uncomfortable feelings involved. It's human. For us, marriage is too sacred to have it destroyed or weakened by overconfidence. The reason we don't have to be jealous is that we protect each other and our relationship.

                          I don't think your fiancee is unreasonable on this issue. Why not just hang out together with friends?
                          I, too, work in a very male dominated industry. I have many friends of the opposite sex, we go to lunch together often or hit the mountain bike trails, my male friends and I occasionally will hang out together without my husband (although I will say usually when it's hanging out, my husband is with because we typically hang out together with the same circle of people).

                          I guess I just don't see how spending time with a member of the opposite sex can (or will, as some seem to believe) lead to anything beyond a platonic friendship. If it does, it was not a result of the co-ed friendship, it was a result of something missing at home and the inappropriateness with the opposite sex friend was a symptom of the actual problem. I love my husband, he is my world. I wouldn't dream of sharing romantic anything with anyone other than him and he knows that and feels the same. If something changes that, it isn't because of our outside friendships, it's because of something wrong happening within our own relationship.

                          Comment


                          • I see this issue as a social custom. One should have trust in their partner. If they want to cheat, preventing them from hanging out with a person of the opposite gender won't stop them. Also, there is always the possibility of developing a romantic relationship with somebody of the same gender. If you go by this rule, you should stop hanging out with anybody over the age of 17.

                            Most people I know, including myself, usually don't hang out with other men alone because they either have families, so we hang out together. Or, I don't want to give the sense of impropriety as most people will take that as asking for something else. However, with long time friends that I have already established clear bounderies with over many years, I don't see it as a problem. But as a married woman, I don't feel comfortable extending a friendship to a single guy without having my family/friends part of the mix. This is my standard and I see many other people follow it too.
                            Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by KMonte85 View Post
                              I guess I just don't see how spending time with a member of the opposite sex can (or will, as some seem to believe) lead to anything beyond a platonic friendship.
                              It can and does all the time. If it never happened and people were perfectly monogamous, then this wouldn't be an issue.


                              Originally posted by sp346 View Post
                              Also, there is always the possibility of developing a romantic relationship with somebody of the same gender.
                              If a person had those kinds of feelings I think it's a fair concern. The sense of propriety you mentioned is part of it for us. Also if it was just a matter of wanting to cheat, then I would say you're right. But what happens when a person doesn't want to cheat but develops an attraction? If I hadn't seen it happen with my own eyes then maybe I would maybe be more open to it.

                              And I'm not saying my way is right and everybody else's way is wrong and you have to do this to be successful. I'm saying it's a legitimate rule, not indicative of immaturity or unbalanced jealousy. I do think that if you feel like you're missing out on something because of a rule, it's a problem. We're happy with it and neither of us feels constrained in any way. We also have good friends that we spend time with of both genders.
                              "Those sowing seed with tears
                              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                              Comment

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