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Still can't get over it!!!

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  • Still can't get over it!!!

    I know we have gone over this before, but it's getting bad....

    I cannot get over the fact my fiance slept with other women before me!!!!!

    I know it's very stupid of me. It doesn't seem to bother anyone else but me. It never bothered me when we first dating. But now that I am in love with him and having sex with him, it hurts so bad!!!!

    I know it isn't my business. I know he wasn't aware he was going to meet me. I know that it's normal for people to engage in sex whether they care for the person, thought they loved them, or just to have sex. Whatever the reason is, it happened. I know I can't change it but I'd give my life to. It is breaking my heart. I've been bawling my eyes out all night. I'm crying so hard right now.

    He has been with two other girls. I don't know what the first one looked like, but I've seen pictures of the other one. At least I can say she is the least attractive. But all I can picture in my head is him and her making love. I know he despises her. But all I can picture is them together. It breaks my heart. I know he regrets it all but running through my mind is him enjoying it more with them than with me. Him getting more pleasure from them. It is truly sickening.

    I can't stop crying. I have serious issues. He told me not to bring it up anymore. He can tell I'm sad he keeps asking what is wrong but I don't wanna tell him. He says reguardless of those other girls, I was the first he really made love with. The others didn't mean anything. He felt pressured. Etc. Whatever. It's great to hear him say things like that. It helps me a lot!!

    This isn't normal if everyone else can get over the fact their S.O. has been with others previously. I never even had a guy touch me. Only once when I was 14, a guy touched my boobs. I was drunk. Never would have happened if I was sober. No guy has touched me down there. I was a virgin. I wish he was too.

    I need some serious help. Why am I like this? I feel that I care so much that of course stuff like that is gonna hurt. He can't change it. Nothing I can do will ever change it and it sucks. I am heart broken. I am crying nonstop. My eyes are so swollen right now. I hate this. My fiance says he feels like ******** over it. I know it makes him feel bad and that is why I don't wanna bring it up.

    Does anyone else have these feelings? People on here have talked to me a little bit about this but it's not getting through. I'm hurt. I feel I am always going to be hurt.... Nothing can mend the pain. I am very well aware it's not my business but it hurts.

    If I can't get over this, could counseling help? Is this really not normal?? I am aware that it is life, but bottom line: I cannot get over it and I need some serious help. I don't want it to tear my relationship apart. All I can think about and picture in my head is them.

    I need support and comfort. Sorry about my messy issues.
    "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

  • Ash...

    Ash, Ash, Ash. Big sigh...

    Men, when they first start having sex... How can I put this... Are kind of rubbish at it! They (we) prematurely ejaculate, get over excited and tend to grapple for months at excepting the notion of foreplay and suffer all manner of teething problems that can take months if not years to work through. Not all men, maybe it was just me

    What I'm saying is that as a women losing your virginity to a (slightly) more experienced man (he's 20 isn't he? and men usually make out they're more experienced than they are) you've probably got the better end of the deal as opposed to be an experienced woman having to 'train' an inexperienced man.

    I can't generalize and say EVERY instance will be like that, of course I can't, but I do believe what I'm saying to be pretty accurate. Don't get me wrong, a strong couple in a long term relationship will work through it no problem, and come out of the other end smiling, too. I've read of plenty of couples on here falling into the latter category reporting great sex lives, the point I'm making is you didn't have to work through HIS teething process, and we all have one. Be grateful.

    In short: be thankful you're benefiting from the training other women provided him, and I'll bet there weren't as many as you think there were. He loves you doesn't he?
    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


    • Yes. He loves me.

      Just kind of hard to accept the fact. I just wanted to be his only one. Have it be special like that...
      I almost feel like it wasn't special for him cuz he's been there and done that.
      "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."


      • My wife wasn't my first. I've been in one other serious sexual relationship. I'm going to tell you the good and the bad from my perspective. This is the honest truth that I've never even fully told my wife because I don't want her to feel like I'm comparing her to anyone else.

        The Bad: My wife and I are not on the same wavelength sexually. I would like a much more sexual relationship. The other young lady and I had that. It adds another layer of difficulty because I know what I'm missing. That's it.

        The Good: Sex with my wife is much better because we have a better connection. I don't have any desire to be with my first girlfriend, even though her libido matched mine. I don't have any feelings for her now just because we had sex. I know that my life with my wife is better, because she's a better person for me. And even the down side is sort of positive. My experience gives me insight to how fulfilling a sexual relationship can be. So I have hope. It also let's me know that a good sex life cannot make a bad relationship work. So I don't need to stray to search for something I think I might be missing out on. In other words, while sex is important, there are other more important things.

        Like me, my wife does have a sexual past. Neither of us can change that. We both could have been with other people though. (Once during a breakup with the lady who became my wife, another ex-girlfriend that I was intimate with [not all the way] told me that she wanted me so badly that she didn't care if I raped her. I know. Crazy, right? But what she was promising me was a lot of sexual excitement in contrast with what I was getting). We chose each other. He chose you, Ash. You don't need to worry. Don't sabotage a good thing being anxious about something that he's rightfully telling you doesn't mean anything. Once you two really build a life together he probably won't even remember how it felt to be with anyone but you.
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


        • Originally posted by AshB$ View Post
          Yes. He loves me.

          Just kind of hard to accept the fact. I just wanted to be his only one. Have it be special like that...
          I almost feel like it wasn't special for him cuz he's been there and done that.
          Ash, I've been exactly where you are and I can empathize with you pain. My first GF was neither sympathetic nor compassionate with my situation and made no more than a weak and half hearted attempt to veil her frustrations. In all honesty I don't envy you. I'm glad I've worked through those insecurities and I'm almost grateful to her (my ex) for that 'baptism of fire'. On then flip-side, I'm sure it was in fact VERY special for your BF because you gave him that one gift and unique experience you can never give to, or share with anyone else. For the majority of men having sex with a virgin is a pretty big deal.
          "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


          • Been there done what honey?

            No one has had what you have with him, because he was never in love until he met you.. You have it all.........


            • Thank you all.

              It is gonna be hard for me because I'm so sensitive. But currently I am feeling alright at the moment.

              I just have to try not to picture them actually doing it together. My mind tends to wander.
              "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."


              • Hi ash, its not your fault to feel this way because of your ideal.. most guys have this kind of "insecurities" because we are more.. visual being so we recreate visual re enactment of our lover's past. Its quite common, but most don't want to say it because its "wrong".. but it only happens because you love him and want to be "one" with him. But every time you imagine his past. Its just so hard to be one and want to push him away?
                Its just part of our mind to think that way. With time most of us will be more accepting...
                **buddhaboy: u had that problem too huh?



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