[PINKFLOYDCHICK]

Okay so everyone here WITH SO/porn experience has said that they CAUGHT their SO with some type of Porn. Well, I have a much different story and all of yours do help to make me feel a lot better because my husband of 6 years ( VERYY HAPPY 6 YEARS) out of nowhere one night while I went to bed early and he played Civiliaztion for 4 hours, for some reason decided to order some porn on Directv. The next day as soon as he had the chance told me that he had done something. I NEVER expected what he told me! 1. I was in the other room. 2. I have been working my butt off exercising and eating right and hes been telling me all the time i look great 3. I have always admired his faith and relationship with God (I still do, we all get attacked and we all go through storms.) anyways He told me after 5 minutes he turned it off and realized what he was doing and how stupid it was and how bad it was going to hurt me, because I do suffer with insecurities and I have been working on my self, and I have low self esteem and PTSD from a previous very abusive relationship. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I know my husband, and everynight before bed he touches me and everymorning when he doesnt have to get up and go into work he lies there with me and tickles and scratches my back...this has gone on since we met and nothing in our relationship has every changed or been a suprise but hime telling me this... so really why am I so hurt, and putting my self down about it like I caused it.

[jns]

Ask him why he chose to view porn instead of waking you up or taking a cold shower.

Also, what were the circumstances leading to him playing Civilization for 4 hours and you going to sleep early? Is that common? If everything is fine in your relationship, why not a little fun first?

Your relationship is different that a lot of relationships in that he was willing to confess right away.

Have you forgiven him for his indiscretion?

[rcoreyus]

I think that often watching porn alone is a symptom of other problems in a relationship, rather than a direct cause. Is you sex life satisfying for both of you?

[PINKFLOYDCHICK]

Ask him why he chose to view porn instead of waking you up or taking a cold shower.

Also, what were the circumstances leading to him playing Civilization for 4 hours and you going to sleep early? Is that common? If everything is fine in your relationship, why not a little fun first?

Your relationship is different that a lot of relationships in that he was willing to confess right away.

Have you forgiven him for his indiscretion?

I went to bed early because I had to get up earlier then usual the next morning. Our relationship is better then anyone I know around me. I guess the hard part for me is that I already have insecurities due to an abusive previous relationship. I look at my parents amazing 32 year marriage ( she passed away 3 years ago) and I grew up with dirty mags in the house and we knew our parents watched porn, so I am not against it. It was more of a huge shock when he told me, because of course i blamed myself and questioned my self as to why he did it. He has treated me like a queen ever since and has not once let me talk to him about it. I forgave him very soon after wards.

[PINKFLOYDCHICK]

I think that often watching porn alone is a symptom of other problems in a relationship, rather than a direct cause. Is you sex life satisfying for both of you?

He told me he once had a problem when he was a single man and something that was hard for him to stop but he did. That was over 10 years ago. As far as our sex life we havent really been able to make love as we like to with our 2 kids and the house we live in makes it imposssible, so its mostly quickies, and showers, but I never let him go without longer then 5 days lol Its hard to get a babysitter over night because our families all live over an hour away but when we do we have an amazing time in bed. We get to go on a trip next weekend just me and him. I hope that I can get over it before then. Also we lived together for 3 months and slept inthe same bed for 3 months before we had sex. This is another reason why I was in shock he was so strong then, just don't know why after 6 years. He said it didnt feel like him sitting there for 4 hours and instead of playing that game that time could have been spent reading his book, doing the church website, ect. He started BALLING like I have NEVER seen, the way I did when i found out my mom died, and said he felt like Jesus left him and he hates that feeling more then anything. I know my husbands faith is strong and maybe sometimes I forget that no matter how strong our faith is we all fall down.

[JanieMarie]

Well, just know this, you're not alone! Many of us are dealing with very similar issues. You have an AMAZING man and he's trying so hard to be good. Just be there to support him and make sure you never withhold love from him.

[bubbles32]

You say its impossible to make love because you have to sleep with 2 kids in the bed. He told you he brought it and never hid it or stashed it away. You have to give your man some credit and sympathy. God has no say what goes on it a marital bed my cousin said.
Put your kids in their own bed and try to connect again with him, make love passionatly.
Men and women have urges its totally normal but your husband isnt getting a chance to express it. Im thinking the Porn is a release in some way. You have to look past the porn and talk with him.

[Scintillating]

Porn is not the enemy. There is nothing wrong with watching porn. He didn't go to a strip club, a prostitute, or anyone else for that matter. He had a need or a desire and he did not want to wake you up. 5 days can be a very long time. I know it is for me. I find myself getting angry and brutish after 5 days of going without from my wife. You shouldn't make him feel bad for watching porn. Watch it with him if you don't like him watching it alone. Just remember, it's you that he wants to be with. You can come up with some amazing ideas watching porn, try out some of the things that they are doing. It may be fun!

[bubbles32]

Scintillating is spot on.
the things you can learn and try watching it. Even get The Art Of Making Love instead of the in your face porn can be. I have volume 2,3 5 and its all about relationships and making Love.

[Sunlight72]

Hi PinkFloydChick -
I almost spit out my drink with laughter when I read this...

Also we lived together for 3 months and slept in the same bed for 3 months before we had sex. This is another reason why I was in shock he was so strong then, just don't know why after 6 years.

...the reason it made me laugh is the difference between being in a slowly developing life and relationship, and reading a snapshot description. You don't know why after 6 years?

Let me write what I think I understand you've said, but try and view it from an outside, more objective perspective and see what you think. I sincerely mean this to be helpful, and I hope it is.

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We've been happily married for 6 years. It's true, we don't spend very much time together, just the two of us, but our time together with our kids and other family is always nice. We love and respect each other. It's rare that we don't have sex once a week or so. Of course, when we do, it's not that we actually have time to enjoy each other, our alone time together is really just what is left over after all of the more important things in our lives.

Well, I don't mean our relationship is the least important thing in our lives, it's just that if someone were to add up what time we devote to our quality alone time together it would appear to be the least important part of our lives.

Anyway, my husband is great. We don't have time to talk much except a quick hello and goodbye in the morning, and I can't remember when we went for a walk alone without a short time limit, or had a few hours to sit quietly or have a long conversation together, and over our 6 years of marriage the time we spend together gets less and less and less.

Not that any of that matters though, and now all of the sudden he tells me he...

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Do you see where this is heading? I don't mean my rambling post, I mean your marriage. Do you think it is possible that your husband is desperate for some intimacy? I don't mean sex (although that is an important part of it), I mean closeness.

How can he get some? I think he is trying to find a way to feel intimacy and closeness, but also respects your busy life and so he doesn't want to 'push' you for more time together because you (probably have repeatedly) talked about how you don't have time.

It sounds like you two are great for each other, but you Really Need To Make Time To Build Your Relationship!!! It does not stay healthy just because you got married!!

That's lovely that he touches you with tenderness when you wake up - Hey! Has it ever occurred to you to turn toward him? Kiss Him!! Put Your Hands On That Man!! You can spare 5 minutes, and your marriage needs it!

I'm not saying every time he touches you he wants sex or you should have sex. I am saying it is him saying he Loves you, and wants to be Close To You in Heart and Body. Please tell him with your hands, lips, and body that you Love him and want to be Close to him. He is missing you terribly even though you are right there.

Then start finding ways together to spend some real face time with just each other.

This is serious, but the great news is that you two can totally make your marriage closer and better. The bad news (well not even bad, just real) is that it will take effort. It is so worth it!

Best Wishes,
Sunlight

...in this particular case, as you have described it, I would say you should not think of this as a problem with your husband and porn, or a problem with your husband and sex. I think it is a problem of him missing intimacy with you, and not knowing what to do about it.