[IsaDa]

I don’t know how to deal with this awful situation I’m in anymore! I do love Colby, my husband. I adore him very much but, we’re having a horrible problem at the moment.

I knew Colby hasn’t been happy in the marriage for a while. He works a very hard and demanding job out of the country, so when he’s gone, he’s usually gone for anywhere from few weeks to months. By the time he comes home, he usually is excited and wanted my attention.

As much as I’d love to give him attention, it is just very difficult because I have to take care of the kids, the house, and my mom. So often by end of the day, I’m just totally beaten and don’t want to do anything besides having time to myself.
Also ever since my mom moved in about a year ago, I’ve not been able to sleep well at all so I start to sleep in guest bedroom because Colby would try to snuggle with me or touch me whole time I’m sleeping and I don’t want that.

I did feel really bad for him and would try everything I could to keep him happy when he’s home. I’d try to cook his favorite meals, tell him I love him, give him room to do what he wants as he is a very restless and active person, etc…

Few days ago, I found out Colby was having an affair when he’s oversea. I was so upset and heart broke. I confronted him about this. He ended up blame it all on me and says he’s sick of me avoiding him and treats him like an unwanted stray animal and he’s done with trying to keep me happy all of the time for nothing. He says I better fix my act up because he’s fed up.

I’m not even sure what to do any more. I do love Colby and our relationship used to be great and I really want to try work thing out. But at the same time, I honestly don’t know if I can even work this out because I’m so hurt and had my esteem destroyed by this affair.
I even look into option of divorce, but even if I do that, I’m really scared I’d lose everything because Colby is the bread winner but he work oversea and have a bank account oversea along with tons of contacts.
I think he just need to understand that I do love him but there are other people who really need me and I have to take care of them and that I’m really trying my best to be there for him and that just because I don’t want him to sleep by me or have sex it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.

[BabyGirl]

Several Issues here .

Also ever since my mom moved in about a year ago, I’ve not been able to sleep well at all so I start to sleep in guest bedroom because Colby would try to snuggle with me or touch me whole time I’m sleeping and I don’t want that.

What is it about Mom moving in that makes you not Sleep Well ?

As much as I’d love to give him attention, it is just very difficult because I have to take care of the kids, the house, and my mom. So often by end of the day, I’m just totally beaten and don’t want to do anything besides having time to myself.

Is there any way Mom can help with the Kids, or is she an Invalid ?

Few days ago, I found out Colby was having an affair when he’s oversea. I was so upset and heart broke. I confronted him about this. He ended up blame it all on me and says he’s sick of me avoiding him and treats him like an unwanted stray animal and he’s done with trying to keep me happy all of the time for nothing. He says I better fix my act up because he’s fed up.

Two things here. You are Not being a Loving Wife in All Ways , when he is Home, he wants Attention, Loving, Love Making and you have somehow Pushed him Away, where he feels like he is just there ( when Home and Away ) for his Money .

Not Excusing him here, but where is he supposed to The The Love ? Not just Sex, but Snuggling, Cuddling, Special Moments ?
I can see how he may feel like a Stray Dog, someone takes in for awhile. feeds him, pets him a little then makes him sleep in the Dog House instead of a Cuddly, Warm Bed .

I think he just need to understand that I do love him but there are other people who really need me and I have to take care of them and that I’m really trying my best to be there for him and that just because I don’t want him to sleep by me or have sex it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.

He Cannot Understand that you Love him.. At least not as a Wife in love with him would do. Because you don't want to be Loving, You don't want to Hug, You don't want to spend just romantic Time with him.

but there are other people who really need me

He Needs You, but you only need him for a Paycheck, or so it seems. He was/ is wrong to have the Affair. He should get a legal Separation from you, still try to Support his Kids.

You may Love him, but not as a Wife Does. To have and to Hold, is a Big Part of most Marriage Vows. To have what he can Make, yes, you have that .. To Hold him.. You are not into .

Time to show him you do " Love " him . Let him go, let him have a Life and Woman that he can Hold in his Arms every Night .

I even look into option of divorce, but even if I do that, I’m really scared I’d lose everything because Colby is the bread winner but he work oversea and have a bank account oversea along with tons of contacts

You will not Lose Everything, You will have your Children, Your Mother and some sort of "settlement " or Continuing Care for your Kids.

I'm sorry, but I usually say what I feel here. I usually support the Women, who are Cheated on. And I do Try and show the Women who cheat that they are Wrong .

But, Here.. You are In the Wrong before he is in the Wrong. This is a Man, a Husband a Father. The Bread winner, the one gone for months at a Time, the one who Craves his Wife and Family when he is Home .. And you don't count him as " Ones that Need Me " ?

He is the one who should ask for Divorce..

[mbradar2]

Deleted.

[jns]

Colby worked hard to provide for his family and it seems, even his mother-in-law. What has he got in return? His favorite meals, a woman that tells him she loves him and a room of his own. Hmm, that is what his mother did for him, and he probably liked what she cooked a little better. In that case, why stick around, why not just move back home to Mom? She probably doesn't want as much per month as it costs him now. And she probably wouldn't object for him having a lady love around once in a while.

I think Colby probably had his self esteem destroyed first.

Long distance relationships are hard to keep going. Loving contact has to be maintained. Then when the couple is together, they have to compress everything in a short time to catch up and have the memories that keep the relationship strong. Absent that, the couple grows apart. If you cannot change to put at least some of the elements of a marriage back in your marriage, it is time for both of you to go on your separate ways.

[Avatar Nirvana]

I believe most of the time people cheat because they are looking for something their partner is not giving them. You were not giving your husband the love he needed, so he found someone else to give it to him. He did not break your heart first. You broke his heart long before. Don't get me wrong, I think it was wrong for him to cheat, but that is how some people deal with a gap that is not being filled in their hearts. Yes, it is a bad way to face it, but it happens. This marriage sounds like it was not meant to be. He works hard overseas, and when he comes home he only wants you. You only want yourself because you're too busy with your kids and mother. Saying "I love you" to him is not good enough for him because he doesn't feel like you do.
jns is right about long distance relationships being hard to keep up. I was in one and it didn't work even though we chatted online everyday. It's the intimacy that is needed for a relationship to thrive.
I suggest if you want this marriage to work you must forgive each other and either he gets a job where he does less traveling, or you go with him from time to time.

[Hugo-B]

Just to add: I found this post rather strange to read, I thought you were speaking about 'Colby' like he was a dog! Then I got to "he tries to snuggle and touch me",
which made him sound even more 'dog like' then when I got to the part where you confronted him about the affair he says he's sick of being treated like a stray animal!

There may be a possibility of repairing this and it sounds like this guy has treated you well in providing for you and your mother. Communication is key now if there is any chance of successful reconciliation.

[Stillness]

Ouch! Tough crowd around here. They're keeping it real, though.

The cool thing about it is even though he cheated on you and you've cheated him out of affection, he still is willing to stick it out. I don't know if your title means you're stuck, he's stuck, or you're both stuck. But you probably need to figure it out quickly. It would be horrible to have his excitement to see you when he comes home turn into apathy. Do you want him? I've heard of marriages actually improving after infidelity if both people work really hard at it. I hope you can pull it out of the fire.

Also, a lot of people don't necessarily want to have sex with their mates or don't necessarily want it every time their mate does, but they do it anyway for a number of reasons: They love them and want to show it, a sense of duty because they are married, it's an intrinsic act of marriage and creates a special bond. So, it's not just about what we feel like doing, it's about what's best for our marriages and our families.

[Claret]

I believe most of the time people cheat because they are looking for something their partner is not giving them..

I don't believe this to be true "most" of the time. I believe people cheat most of the time because of their own issues, not because of what a partner is or is not giving them. Some people cheat "just because they can" and others cheat because they have a need to to feel the adrenalin of cheating and getting away with it, or because they need a constant feeling of being loved, or having the feeling of conquest, or rightousness etc. etc. Most times, it has little to do with what they are or are not getting from their partner.

He decided to cheat, the onus is on him not her.

This is not to say that she couldn't make herself more welcoming of him when he gets home from being away for a period of time. But then again, lets look at her responsibilities while he is away -- she does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, appointments etc. for her and her children and her mother. I'm assuming this also means all the yard work, maintenance, banking, daycare, medical and dental appointments. Maybe she could use a break of just being on call for a working day instead of a 24 hour 7 day a week job that she seems to have at home. If her day started at 8 and ended at 5 perhaps she'd be fresher, clearer and have time for pursuits that please her as well. This just might include her husband.

Perhaps he could make special efforts when he comes home. Take her out for an evening, to dinner a show and then home. Give her some special attention instead of being just another "needful" person in her household.

I would blame him more than her, although this doesn't seem to be the popular position here.

[Hugo-B]

I didn't actually take a stance as to whom I thought was deserving of blame here - because others had offered good advice and because I couldn't actually reach a conclusion myself I just made the observation I thought it was unusual the way she was referring to her husband.

I'm also reluctant to offer marriage advice since I've never been married nor been in a relationship which has lasted more than 3.5 years.

By contrasting Claret's advice with the rest I would imagine that by meeting each other half way, a conscious effort to would need to be made by each party to make a reconciliation possible.

OP, good luck x

[DreamP346]

IsaDa, it sounds like you are not IN love with your husband any more. You may care for him, but you are not IN love. That does not necessarily mean the marriage is over, but you both have a lot to work on. I would suggest marriage counselling. You need to start taking take of your husband (and not like a child, but as a lover/partner) and he needs to stop blaming you for his mistake.

Think about this. You have made time to take care of the kids, clean the house, take care of your mom, even cook a special meal. But you don't seem to have any time for hugging and kissing your husband! That probably requires the least amount of time. You need to re-evaluate your priorities. Do you really want to make this marriage work or are you only staying in it for the financial security?