[aaa729]

The man that I have been dating for several months now says that we have a great relationship and he really cares and loves me. However when it comes to sex, he has no problem getting an erection or getting off to say when I play with him with my hands. We have had sex a couple times and it was good and he got off then. He rarely touches me in a sexual way...Im the one who always starts things, he will let me get him hard and when I want to advance from there he tells me to wait till later..but later never seems to get there...he is tried and we end up just going to bed. He dose have some sexual fantisites of seeing me with another man and some swinging ones. I have never had this happen to me in a relationship and am completly lost. He said he wants us to have a strong emotional relationship and the sex will come that thats not at the top of the list of things he wants in our relationship..he wants friendship, emotional connection etc. We really have a good friendship and emotional connection. He tells me Im the only solid rock he has in his life right now.He also drinks alot...but when he drinks his behavior does not change at all...can someone please help me. I really care about this guy and he is great in all areas and good with my kids...but just not sure about this sex part with him. Thanks for anyone who can help me with some adivice here.

[poisongirl]

That's interesting. If he'd had a problem getting an erection, or performing, then I would suspect that his drinking had something to do with it- as it is a well known fact that drinkers (when I say drinkers, I mean people who consume alcohol on an almost daily basis, or who binge drink frequently) tend to have a problem getting and staying hard. But it doesn't sound like that's the case. As far as the fantasies go, well... my husband has expressed the same fantasies to me before. He tells me that he fantasizes a lot about seeing me with another guy. He doesn't know if he would go as far as to say that he would let me do it, but the fantasy is very much there. In doing research and studying the psychology of human sexuality, I have found that a lot of the guys that have these fantasies, and would be willing to act on them, tend to be guys that have had some sort of sexual trauma in their life. Many of them, in my experience, tend to have watched (or currently watch) copius amounts of pornography; and may have been introduced to sex via pornography, or another way, at an age that was too early and not ready to fully take in all the aspects of sex.

I don't want to say this in a way that scares you, but for some guys, making that emotional connection is more important at first because they might be hiding a big secret that they don't want you to know just yet. Creepy as it might sound, it almost seems like they wait until they are sure you're not going anywhere to spring it on you. I am not saying that is the case with your man. I am just saying that I have had similar experiences, and that was one of the reasons.

Like I said before though, it could be something that he'd been through in his past that scarred him, or made him have sexual insecurities. I dated a guy once who had only been with one woman before me. It wasn't, seemingly, a big deal; but because the experience had gone awry, he became really insecure and had a hard time with the idea of sex. I guess subconsciously he was afraid of another failure. I've also had a friend that was kind of a dork growing up, and girls always rejected him. He became so entrenched in watching pornography and masturbating, that when he had a shot with a real girl, he pretty much didn't even know what to do. I also had a friend whose mother had taken him with her as a child to spy on his cheating father, and it left him scarred in a way that made him have a hard time bonding with people and made him feel unable to perform sexually. You'd be surprised what could cause these problems. I know with my husband, the first few months of our relationship he had a hard time ejaculating while we were having sex. He could ejaculate just fine when I used my hands or mouth, but not while we had sex. Even when he wore a condom. Turned out that he was absolutely TERRIFIED about the idea of getting me pregnant because of several things that had happened in his life. First of all, his Mom had gotten pregnant with him before she'd intended, and his parents had a horrible marriage. His Dad is very religious, and scared him to bits about having sex and getting a girl pregnant. AND his ex-girlfriend had tried to accuse him of getting her pregnant while he was joining the army. Lucky enough, the timing didn't match up, and it turned out that she had to be cheating (which became obvious when she had the baby, cause it was a whole different color!!!). So... there could be lots of reasons. Do you know much about his childhood? His past?

I don't know if any of this has helped you, but I hope you get to the bottom of it.

[DCarr]

Not wanting Sex

I don't know if this may make you feel any better.

But i have been seeing my boyfriend for a couple months now. We met on the internet and spoke alot. turns out that he is a freak. So much a freak that he would masturbate everynight before he go to bed. I like that he was being open.

Now i'm at his house visiting for a 3 weeks now and we only had sex 6 times. despite the fact that i had my period. He complains n says that i may be a sexaholic and wants sex too often.

What scared me is that on 2 occasions, while i was asleep he would masturbate. The second time was right next to me on the bed while he was even rubbin my clit. I only found out next mornin while we were talkin online while he was at work. I never felt his hands in my panties that night.

This mornin, i told him that it has been 3 nights since we had sex and i am horny. he sent me a link through msn leading me to a page about "sexual incompatibility".

[macybelle]

You need to becareful. He masturbates every night away from you but you've only had sex a couple of times in person? I'd say those were some serious red flags. You might want to rethink this relationship. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but somethings not right in that picture. I mean this in the most sincere way.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You need to becareful. He masturbates every night away from you but you've only had sex a couple of times in person? I'd say those were some serious red flags. You might want to rethink this relationship. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but somethings not right in that picture. I mean this in the most sincere way.

I agree with macybelle. The act that you are performing is one that he can do, a male can do to him, or a female can do to him, yet he doesn't appear interested in having sex with you and his fantasies comprises of swinging.

You may very well have just caught up with the wrong man for you, or any woman.

If he said, our relationship was "special" and i want to wait, a while longer before we do, i'd understand.

Something is not adding up here?

[laurianna1969]

Trust me, if you are having this problem while you are only a few weeks in, it will only get worse.

I fell out with my boyfriend early into our relationship because one night i stayed he didnt initiate sex.

7 years on it is all we ever argue about. I want it, he cant be bothered.

He claims he never masturbates, which I cant believe, he cant come from oral sex and has retarded ejaculation. It seems he spent a long time in his youth training his perinium to clench to prevent ejaculation, and now he finds it difficult to let go. He had spent his youth shagging anything that moves and it seems he used up all his sex drive when he was in his twenties.

It makes me depressed and have low self esteem issues because he rarely initiates sex, compliments me or tells me he loves me. I used to enjoy the challenge, but I can literally walk around the house naked and he doesnt even look up from his paper and its not as if i am some fat saggy old hag, though he makes me feel like one.

Its soul destroying. Leave and find someone new. I wish I had!

[Geetally]

I sympathize with you because that is hard situation to be in. The first thing that came to mind as I read about your situation is, he must have something that he is trying to protect you from because obviously he has no problems get aroused. Has he taken a HIV test? Do you know if he has Herpes, Warts etc? If not, you should find out those things before you move forward because it sounds to me like he cares about you and he may have a demon that he does not want to unload on you.

Good luck....I personally would move on, but that is not for me to say...you obviously care about him and if none of the above are true...maybe he truly wants to wait...there is nothing wrong with that...

Geetally

The man that I have been dating for several months now says that we have a great relationship and he really cares and loves me. However when it comes to sex, he has no problem getting an erection or getting off to say when I play with him with my hands. We have had sex a couple times and it was good and he got off then. He rarely touches me in a sexual way...Im the one who always starts things, he will let me get him hard and when I want to advance from there he tells me to wait till later..but later never seems to get there...he is tried and we end up just going to bed. He dose have some sexual fantisites of seeing me with another man and some swinging ones. I have never had this happen to me in a relationship and am completly lost. He said he wants us to have a strong emotional relationship and the sex will come that thats not at the top of the list of things he wants in our relationship..he wants friendship, emotional connection etc. We really have a good friendship and emotional connection. He tells me Im the only solid rock he has in his life right now.He also drinks alot...but when he drinks his behavior does not change at all...can someone please help me. I really care about this guy and he is great in all areas and good with my kids...but just not sure about this sex part with him. Thanks for anyone who can help me with some adivice here.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Trust me, if you are having this problem while you are only a few weeks in, it will only get worse.

I fell out with my boyfriend early into our relationship because one night i stayed he didnt initiate sex.

7 years on it is all we ever argue about. I want it, he cant be bothered.

He claims he never masturbates, which I cant believe, he cant come from oral sex and has retarded ejaculation. It seems he spent a long time in his youth training his perinium to clench to prevent ejaculation, and now he finds it difficult to let go. He had spent his youth shagging anything that moves and it seems he used up all his sex drive when he was in his twenties.

It makes me depressed and have low self esteem issues because he rarely initiates sex, compliments me or tells me he loves me. I used to enjoy the challenge, but I can literally walk around the house naked and he doesnt even look up from his paper and its not as if i am some fat saggy old hag, though he makes me feel like one.

Its soul destroying. Leave and find someone new. I wish I had!

7 years, it's never to late, we only live once You should start joining clubs etc and then see when your not around as much how he responds, i do like your terminology over this though, good wording...

I'd personally put on my bestest clothes, that pencil skirt, shirt with an extra button un-done and say bye hun, look after the kids? not sure if you have any, i've got an art class tonight be back in a couple.....

Take care.