[Natersmommy]

Im coming here as a last resort for my relationship. I was in a very controlling and abusive with this man for 2 years. I left him for a few months but I eventually reverted back to this relationship. I'm crying as I write this so please if anyone has any advice for me, share. I left him in anger and desperation. He isn't on any medicine nor has he ever been diagnosed but I've always thought he had mental issues. He is a loner and had a difficult childhood. Anyways, when I took him back he vowed to me that he would change. A month or so after that he beat me up worse than he ever had when he was drunk. I was so embarrassed and literally has no where to go because my family disowned me when I chose to be with him again. So I stayed again. It's been almost 2 years and he hast hit me again. He doesn't try to control me anymore either. He works swing shift 40+ hours a week now. We also now have a 7 month old son. I know he loves his son but he isn't a very good father. He doesn't help with the baby AT ALL EVER. He completely provides for us, I'm a SAHM and we are a young couple. I'm thankful for what he does but I am so lonely. I always tell myself that company is a sacrifice I have to make for my son. I can accept that. When my so comes home he gets on his game and drinks a little until time for bed. Sometimes on his days off we'll go do something together but not usually. Isome days I'm very happy with him but others I'm just not. He is very sexually ...explicit I guess? We usually have sex at least once a day or he will masturbate. He loves to watch porn. I used to not allow this but he convinced me that it would be nice of me blah blah so I let him. Now it's all he wants to do. He started to want to incorporate toys into our sex life. I'm ok with that but he'll buy very large ones and try to use them on me while I'm in a position where I can't see what he's doing. He won't listen if I tell him no, and it's really disturbing to me. He got me drunk one night and basically while I was laying there half conscious him and his cousin had their way with me while I layed there crying begging him to stop. he said, oh I was drunk, the next day. He asked me to have sex with one of our neighbors and i did because he said it was a huge fantasy of his. I perform oral sex on him EVERY DAY. he does NOT perform oral sex on me or stimulate me in any way with his hands. And i mean never, not before during or after sex. If i do finally get him to do it he complains the entire time. I have asked him for over 6 months to change and be more hands on with me. I'm a woman and I need to be made to feel like one. Last night he asked me to watch porn with him while we had sex. I didn't want to But he made it into a big deal so I said ok. He was making comments about the woman in the porn the entire time. Eventually I just closed my eyes and pretended I was somewhere else. He has an average sized penis and the sex is ok but not great. Last night it was terrible on top of everything else. He begged me for 3 years to try anal and I eventually gave in and we have anal sex on a regular basis now but he has still not showed any interest in making sure I'm satisfied. When he will finish he'll say that's what you get for not doing so and so. Like its a punishment that I'm not sexually satisfied. I go above and beyond trying ro make sure he's pleased!!! He doesnt even like to make out!! I love him so much. He tells me every day how much he loves me, we always talk about the future, and he is the first person I've been able to depend on IN MY LIFE. It hurts me because I feel rejected and like I am nothing more than a vagina in bed to him. I have no where to go if I leave him and I live in a small small town in arkansas. There is barely any assistance here and many people on welfare and few jobs. I'm very depressed and feel worthless.

[Hugo-B]

I stopped reading when I got to "him and his cousin got me drunk and had their way with me".

Please leave ASAP, find a refuge, go back to your family and beg if you have to, just get you and your son OUT, and NEVER, EVER go back.

[Natersmommy]

Also we only have 1 vehicle and no one to watch my son. When I say I want to get a job he says what vehicle will you use? Who will help you? What will you do with your son? He WILL NOT watch him on the days he's off. I have no college education and the jobs that are available here are fast food and factory jobs. Fast food wouldn't even cover day care cost. And a factory I could do but I hate to leave my son for 12 hours at a time. I will if I need to. I just need some insight. He's good to us, we have a pretty home, he doesn't keep money from me, and as I said he professes his love for me regularly. She has improved a lot in the past few years I just feel that I need an intimate connection with him! Should I stay and work it out or has too much been done to be repaired?

[DreamP346]

Natersmommy, re-read your own post. If somebody else had writen that what would you think?

You need to devise a plan to get out. Start saving money secretly. Contact the local social services/welfare agent and see if they can help you. You can also get child support from you husband even if you aren't married. Contact a woman's shelter. Reach out to any family and friends you used to have and ask for help. If they disowned you for being with this man, maybe they will help you get away from him.

Yes, working 12 hours in the factory will be hard on your child, but its better than being surrounded by a man who sexually abuses their mother.

[mrsgaines84]

i totally agree. i was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and it never got better. some men are just mentally disturbed and there is nothing you can do to fix or change them. I agree read your own post. then determine if you should leave or go. i know for a fact once a man puts his hands on you he will definately do it again. abuse is never ok NEVER. i belive that if you keep dealing with it and hes not changed by now it wont happen. move on. you dont want your son growing up knowing his father beats his mom up or sexully abuses her. you want a different life for your son right? there you have it.

[jns]

Everything he is doing is controlling you and making you feel inferior by degrading you. He goes from sweet to enraged like he is bipolar. As he is the one to provide you with everything, you love him, just are on pins and needles waiting for the next blow-up.

To end this nightmare, you have to stop loving him and actually start detesting him. Then you will have the power to leave him and power over your life again. Just keep your change of heart hidden until the right time. Pretend to be happy as you plot your escape. When the time is right, reach out to family and try to convince them you have changed and need shelter. Otherwise, get a ride from a friend or relative and take your son to a battered women's shelter in a big city close by.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Also we only have 1 vehicle and no one to watch my son. When I say I want to get a job he says what vehicle will you use? Who will help you? What will you do with your son? He WILL NOT watch him on the days he's off. I have no college education and the jobs that are available here are fast food and factory jobs. Fast food wouldn't even cover day care cost. And a factory I could do but I hate to leave my son for 12 hours at a time. I will if I need to. I just need some insight. He's good to us, we have a pretty home, he doesn't keep money from me, and as I said he professes his love for me regularly. She has improved a lot in the past few years I just feel that I need an intimate connection with him! Should I stay and work it out or has too much been done to be repaired?

I

have no where to go if I leave him and I live in a small small town in arkansas. There is barely any assistance here and many people on welfare and few jobs. I'm very depressed and feel worthless.

Welcome to the Forum honey. I had a slight tear just reading all of that. You know, I know you "think" he's changed as he stopped hitting you. But he went onto added abuse, the worse possible kind in my opinion, emotional abuse, bringing you down so far that you have done things that you never thought you would do.

He belittles you to the extent you feel worthless, nothing.. He is controlling, an abuser, getting everything he wants sexually, using you as a toy , physically still abusing you, yes he is by getting you drunk and letting another man enter you even though you are saying no and crying, that's physical abuse, the neighbour is emotional abuse. Can you see that? You poor thing.

Look, you have to remember who the **** you were before all of this ok? She is still there, inside. She still exists..

I can almost see him laughing at his "so called achievements of winning" He watches porn and wants to act it out with you.. He belittles you as I've said, to bring you down, to make you feel worthless.

He has answers for everything, the work, the car. You want to work so you can escape, sub-consciously.. Think about it, I know I am right.

He makes the money you can't go anywhere.

Your family disowned you, you can't go anywhere.

BULL. Where do you live, what State? It's time you and us here, worked out who to call and where to go.

CW

[Guest]

The only thing worse for a child than coming from a broken home...is living IN one!

You aren't desperate, you are scared and rightfully so. As you are about to make the most difficult decision you may have ever made...leaving this person forever! It's okay because the only way you can go from here is UP!!

So start planning, start secretly saving $$$, contact every single shelter, domestic abuse hotline, large church or other place of faith in your area.

Once you are ready to go...go....and don't look back. Not now, not ever. Don't even tell him where you are or how you got there.

A protection order may be necessary...don't be afraid. You must protect your child's mother from this person. The legal system will help you.

Stay in touch with us here as you are able.

[rcoreyus]

All I can add to the very reasonable comments above is that this is NOT normal. Most men are nothing like this - most treat their significant others very well. I think that sometimes abused women can start to believe that there is nothing better out there - but there is.

I know the practicalities of leaving with a small child are very serious, but I just want you to know that if you leave, you do NOT need to end up in another relationship like this.

[Natersmommy]

Thamk you to everyone who posted a response, you all told me things I needed to hear. I had never considered the thought that the abuse was escalating. All of my friends act like I am very fortunate to have him. My moms side of the family Loves him and he has a very close relationship with my young brothers. My mom is very mentally unstable because of years of drug use and the abuse she took from my step father. She lives with my great great grandmother in a 1 bedroom home and sleeps on the couch. Thats why they could not help me. My relationship with my dad is very strained because he took me in at 13 and sexually abused me when I was 16. He then kicked me out of my house and I had to go back to my mother and grandmothers home until my bf took me in. My mother is so mentally instable that she wouldnt give me her tax info or come with me or even call an talk to anyone about helping me get financial aid to go to college. She says things like the government has compkete control over my childs brain because he was born on medicaid. As for my father i dont associste with him. Now my dad lives across the state with my younger brother and sister and his new wife And he has made it clear to me that he had no interest in having a relationship with me or my son. I feel like I have let myself become a useless dependent. I tell my bf I want ro go to school and he says Why so you can cheat on me? He tells me that if I leave him he will take my baby. He owns his own vehicle, all our bills are in his name, he has no criminal record, and I would have to take my baby to a homeless shelter and I know he would try to take him and I wouldn't even be able to afford a lawyer. He told me that if I ever put him on child support that we would both be dead before my first check came. He says later that he is only playing with me but I am genuinely scared. It's hard for me to explain our relationship but I am not a submissive person. I voice my opinion I tell him I will leave him but I know he thinks I never will. When I do threaten to leave Him then his tone will change very quickly. His whole family will say things like oh he's got anger problems but he has a big heart. As far as the sexual things go, he acts like it is my job to meet his every need because I stay home and As a woman I am supposed to submit to his fantasies. I wanted to give this background because I think I have let myself get here because I have never seen a functional happy couple. Especially not in my family and it's easy for me to slip back into being ok with it. If anyone has overcome a situation like mine, or if someone could please advise me on how to keep my son safe. I know it sounds stupid bit I tell myself my son is safer when I am able to keep his dads temper under control which I can usually do now becaus I know the signs. Because when I left him before he went ridiculous cuttin himself and sending me videos. I would leave and hide if it were only me and he would hunt for me but if I took our son he would raise hell and yes I think he would harm me maybe even kill me. I like to think he couldn't buy he makes comments all the time like yes I could kill someone if I were mad enough. Sometimes he is so kind ad loving to me and it would hurt me to leave that person but I could do it. I am so lost because most of the time I do not feel abused.