[Bori]

Hello I'm hopping to find some advice from a woman's perspective.

I've been married for almost 19 years (October), the last 6 years maybe longer seems like all my effort is towards trying to save my marriage. She was 18 and I was 19 when we got married and had kids a year later. I self confidence has been shattered to the point I question whether or not I am good enough. First my wife has told me she loves me but she's not in love with me and I haven't heard an I Love you in years. Around the house I cook, do the laundry ect I work full time and work from home. When she gets home I really don't get anything other than a hi most of the time. She wants to go to places alone and I feel when I'm out with her that I'm not welcomed. If I have to call her during the day I ask myself will I be bothering her? Bothering my WIFE! Woman I have to kids with and I would do anything for. There's nothing (other than travel the world) that she wanted that I haven't given her.
I do love her and want for my marriage to work but seems all I'm doing is humiliating myself for trying to keep a marriage together. We've never had a lot of friends and out life was centered around the kids which is how I thought it should be. We did find time for ourselves and went out so wasn't all kids. Recently we've began going out with a group of people and she has begun to show them attention I have asked for years. I know starting over is probably what I have to do but saving my marriage is the most important thing to me.
She's extremely short tempered with me and will often have a different reaction to something I say or do to anyone else. I have forgiven internet relationships (which I hopped was only internet) and other situations none which I believe was a physical affair but there were feelings for someone else. I have planned trips, taken her out like I said I do all cooking ect supporting her now she's back to school. I give a hug her arms stay by her side most of the time or I get a pat on the back.
In that group that we've began hanging out with is a single guy who keeps flirting with her and I've caught the flirt back. I've talked to her about it and want to talk to him but she refuses to allow that to happen. I might be seeing things, I might be trying to find a reason for my marriage to be in sense over IDK. The harder I try the more I give the more selfish and cold she gets. Is it time for me to think about me? My daughter will be devastated, she's part of the reason I am still here. Sorry for the long post.

[Stillness]

Hey Bori,

Do you know what changed 6 years ago? Did something in particular happen? Does she want the marriage to work?

[Bori]

Has just been a slow process, not one specific event. She has told me she wonders how her life would be different if she had not gotten married, would it be better. Grass greener on the other side type thing. She wants to travel all over the world but we don't have the means to do that. She began talking to someone online and lasted for a while, when I found out she did admit she feel out of love with me and began having feelings for that guy. She doesn't most of the time but at times acts and says that she doesn't know if that's the right decision. She wants to make everything about going out, drinking, partying and friends at the expense of the kids and I. She doesn't take care of my daughter having a place to stay or someone to stay with her make sure she doesn't stay alone while we go out. When we go out she interacts with everyone but me, I don't know why I'm putting up with it honestly other than she's my wife I love her and don't want to quit on us.

[DSemcho]

She's trying to be a kid/teenager because she never got to be that and instead got married. She might have to go to counseling for it.

[jns]

Hello I'm hopping to find some advice from a woman's perspective.

I've been married for almost 19 years (October), the last 6 years maybe longer seems like all my effort is towards trying to save my marriage. She was 18 and I was 19 when we got married and had kids a year later. I self confidence has been shattered to the point I question whether or not I am good enough. First my wife has told me she loves me but she's not in love with me and I haven't heard an I Love you in years. Around the house I cook, do the laundry ect I work full time and work from home. When she gets home I really don't get anything other than a hi most of the time. She wants to go to places alone and I feel when I'm out with her that I'm not welcomed. If I have to call her during the day I ask myself will I be bothering her? Bothering my WIFE! Woman I have to kids with and I would do anything for. There's nothing (other than travel the world) that she wanted that I haven't given her.
I do love her and want for my marriage to work but seems all I'm doing is humiliating myself for trying to keep a marriage together. We've never had a lot of friends and out life was centered around the kids which is how I thought it should be. We did find time for ourselves and went out so wasn't all kids. Recently we've began going out with a group of people and she has begun to show them attention I have asked for years. I know starting over is probably what I have to do but saving my marriage is the most important thing to me.
She's extremely short tempered with me and will often have a different reaction to something I say or do to anyone else. I have forgiven internet relationships (which I hopped was only internet) and other situations none which I believe was a physical affair but there were feelings for someone else. I have planned trips, taken her out like I said I do all cooking ect supporting her now she's back to school. I give a hug her arms stay by her side most of the time or I get a pat on the back.
In that group that we've began hanging out with is a single guy who keeps flirting with her and I've caught the flirt back. I've talked to her about it and want to talk to him but she refuses to allow that to happen. I might be seeing things, I might be trying to find a reason for my marriage to be in sense over IDK. The harder I try the more I give the more selfish and cold she gets. Is it time for me to think about me? My daughter will be devastated, she's part of the reason I am still here. Sorry for the long post.

This sounds like the case where the relationship started out normal, where both parties in the relationship contributed to the relationship and the work that needed to be done. After a while, one party takes over the work of the other party. Now there is only one party working in the relationship. This results in a relationship where one person is in the dominant role and doesn't do much work and the other is in the submissive role and does the majority of the work. The submissive wonders why the dominant doesn't love him or her more because they are the one that is doing all of the work. The dominant doesn't fall for that as it is not how the dominant see the relationship.

What is interesting is that the dominant doesn't have to start out that way. The dominant person can start out as only mildly dominant, neither dominant nor submissive or somewhat submissive. If the other person is more submissive and pushes being more submissive, the first person gets pushed more and more in a dominant role. It can be a role that the first person doesn't relish and can come to resent the other person pushing them into. Controlling behavior can be from the dominant side or from the submissive side.

I saw from your post that there doesn't seem to be compromise between your wife and yourself. You do most everything for the household and work to bring in income, too. She can get no pride from doing something for the both of you and the children. What do you leave for her to do to take pride in? This may be why she looks for validation elsewhere. It has some value.

The traditional household structure in the USA was one of defined roles. The man worked outside of the house and brought in income. He may have had to work very hard or several jobs to do that. The woman worked very hard in the house to bring up the children and to make sure all household tasks were done. I'm not saying this the correct structure. What I am saying is that there were defined roles and a person could take pride if they did their role correctly, even if their husband or wife did not.

In today's age, the roles are not well defined and many times overlap. Because of this, compromise is much more important in modern relationships. One person taking over all of the roles will make the other person resentful and can drive them into a dominant role.

Try to get your relationship back to being set on compromises and with both of you contributing. I would think counseling or therapy would help.

[Guest]

Children would rather come from a broken home then live in one.

You are not doing your daughter or any of your children any 'favors' by staying together with their mother.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Is it time for me to think about me? My daughter will be devastated, she's part of the reason I am still here

It does sound as if you have given up anyway. You want to talk to this guy that is single but you don't.

You say she is a bad mum leaving no one to look after your daughter when you "both" go out.. You both have to stand in here, not one.

You've forgiven her for flirting and starting to fall lustful over the internet.

There is only one way you can reverse this and it takes time and effort.

I imagine you are in the friendship zone.. The love is 19 years together from being a youth.

She's 38ish, not to late to fall in love and have another child.. She wants to feels sexy, young, desireable, intelligent.. The schooling is so she can stand on her own, have an income.

It's time you dressed up a bit, looked hot yourself, and have women look at you in front of her, that you simple smile back at as well, that you look like you are enjoying yourself when you are out..

Start to admire her more with a simple comment, smile and walk away... Ignore her sometimes by doing something else, you like.

Start living yourself, make her wonder if she would miss you after all, make her see others like you, you can look great and you actually do find her sexy without trying to get sex....

Use reverse physcology.

[Stillness]

I don't know why I'm putting up with it honestly other than she's my wife I love her and don't want to quit on us.

That's a great reason. I would never discourage anyone to do anything other than fight for their marriage. But, if you make yourself a doormat some people with do nothing but walk all over you. It sounds like she has little to no respect for you and your marriage. Humiliating yourself will probably not help with that. You said in your own words that it makes her worse. She's cheated emotionally multiple times. You say you hope it didn't go further. But what reason has she given you to think it hasn't? What if she has or is? Would your position change?

There are different ways to fight. Right now you sound like you're on the defense. It's not working. Maybe you could try a little offense. For example, who said you need permission to deal with a threat? Consensus is nice, but if a dude was lurking in your house at night would you need an ok from your family to handle the situation? My guess is, no. Everybody would be looking at you like, "What are we going to do?" because you're the man. If you're in charge of protection, why not make an executive decision and handle the dude flirting with your wife? Don't be aggressive. But why not talk to him man-to-man and tell him to stop flirting with your woman? If she doesn't like it, so what?

In regard to your daughter, what do you think is better: her growing up watching her mother walk all over the most important man in her life or seeing daddy deal with disrespect lovingly but firmly? My father was physically and verbally abusive and manipulative. One of my earliest memories is being locked in our car and my father ordering me to open the door. I did it. He used me to get in and disabled the vehicle so we couldn't run. I was a child and I was afraid of him. He didn't do right by me. Your situation is different, but there is more than one way to endanger a child emotionally. My mother ended up successfully fleeing from him later. If anyone says she's not the greatest person on this planet, we'd have to have words.

As a young man she began revealing things to me that deepened my respect for her. It wasn't the drugs or the neglect, it was infidelity. She actually forgave him after he got caught. But he wouldn't stop. So she tried to humiliate herself out of love for her husband and me and out of her respect for marriage, but she was not about to live in a constant state of disrespect. That has most certainly shaped my view and treatment of women. My mother handled things so well that I never hated my father and he is one of my best friends today. You and your wife's interactions are shaping your daughter for life in the same way.

Whatever you do, know that you can't make someone love you and respect marriage. Everyone has their own standards. I will put up with a lot out of my regard for the institution of marriage. I try really hard. I haven't been married as long as you, but I do have a solid 12 years under my belt. In my mind I say I would leave for infidelity, but in reality I know my love for my wife would very possibly bring us back together. Nobody's perfect. But unrepentant and ongoing infidelity and blatant disrespect to go along with it??? Dude, at some point you have to have self-respect. Not just for the baby, but for you. Maybe…just maybe, if you commanded respect you'd win her love back.

[kibbles]

I'm 48 and married 20 years. I'm in the same place as your wife. I am the one in your role who does everything aroung the house with no help from my daughter or husband. I believe it's a mid-life crisis type of thing. Woman go through a lot emotionally aroung this middle age time. It's hard for us to understand how we are feeling half the time. Half the time I love him and remembeer the man I married, and the other half I can't stand him and just want to be left alone. Sounds like she is here too. Your kids come first so make sure they are always looked after. Then think about yourself a little more. You deserve to be happy also. And even though I'm sure she does love you....she needs some space right now. Maybe just back off, go out and enjoy some time with your friends, and either she'll come around or it might be time to move on. I believe not every marriage is destined to last forever. Sometimes people grow apart. People mid-life sometimes need space and new things. That doesn't mean she's looking for someone else. If you feel she's not there and just wants to be left alone...then do so. You find something for yourself and chances are things will come back full circle and things will work out if you both still truly love each other. I'm hoping for the same in my marriage also. Please keep us posted and good luck. We women at this age are struggling with ourselves as much as everything else so be patient.