[DreamP346]

Do you withhold something your spouse enjoys to get them to do something you have asked them? Is it wrong? I've only done it a handful of times. For example my hubby has a toenail infection that has been going on for years. I finally had enough and told him that he wasn't allowed to lay on my boobs (his favorite thing to do) untill he made an appointment with the doctor. Is that wrong?

Does anybody else do this?

[jns]

I'd say it is generally effective, however you are putting a "price" on your affection. That kind of moves it down from priceless. Do that rarely and only for something that is worth it.

[Guest]

What is he.....12? Does he not get desert if he doesn't eat all of his peas and carrots?

Sounds a bit childish on both sides - IMO.

[Stillness]

I agree with Seeker. I've never been in a relationship like that because I can't be manipulated in that way, nor do I want to manipulate another person by withholding affection. I've always been really curious about how it works though. Like do you two have a mutual agreement that if one person doesn't get their way they can withhold something the other person desires or is it just something you both do? Or is it just something you do to him? If he does it back, are you cool with it?

It sounds dangerous to me, unless you have some sort of arrangement. I don't feel I have the right to withhold affection from my wife. I think it's a violation of nature and it will come back on you in a bad way. It seems an especially risky game to play if you're the one with the libido. It's like bringing a knife to a gunfight. I'm hesitant to say it's wrong though. I know it's wrong for me.

[ItsASecret]

Depends on the situation. If it was my bf just being immature not wanting to wash his clothes or put the dishes in the dishwasher like I asked I am not going to take away his favorite video game or not let him kiss me or whatever just because the juvenile in him is acting out...no, I would wait it out because eventually he does do things I ask such as the chores. But if it were something like what you mentioned as being a medical reason I could turn that into a withholding if it turned into something actually important. My bf is very lazy but if he say had a reoccurring pain in his chest or head or other more serious area of the body and he refused to go see a doctor after I said he should I would start with the nagging, then the pestering, then the withholding because I know that leaving things such as that can get bad. I would not just jump right to the withholding of whatever though I would be more the type that prints off lists of medical reasons to scare him into going to see a doctor rather than saying "no boobs tonight" lol. But other than very obvious "this is a real problem" problem I see no reason to withhold in order to have an action taken on his part. I have never withheld anything to make my bf do something but I have faith I would never have to anyway because he is lazy but not so much that he will not eventually get something done.

[DreamP346]

What is he.....12?

Yeah, he is acting like it. Come on. Three years of not getting it checked out even after all my begging, asking nicely, explaining how I find it repulsive to have to sleep next to his fungus toe, offering to make the appointment and talking about the health consequences of not getting it checked. It obviously doesn't matter to him how I feel so I'm tired of being the adult one in this relationship. Yeah its childish, but I am only human. I'm tired of him not taking care of himself and not caring how I feel about it. If he behaves like a kid, then I am going to treat him like a kid. I just have so much energy in me to tackle all our issues maturely.

[DreamP346]

I agree with Seeker. I've never been in a relationship like that because I can't be manipulated in that way, nor do I want to manipulate another person by withholding affection. I've always been really curious about how it works though. Like do you two have a mutual agreement that if one person doesn't get their way they can withhold something the other person desires or is it just something you both do? Or is it just something you do to him? If he does it back, are you cool with it?

It sounds dangerous to me, unless you have some sort of arrangement. I don't feel I have the right to withhold affection from my wife. I think it's a violation of nature and it will come back on you in a bad way. It seems an especially risky game to play if you're the one with the libido. It's like bringing a knife to a gunfight. I'm hesitant to say it's wrong though. I know it's wrong for me.

No, this is not a habit in our relationship. I have only done something like this once before when I asked him to get a vasectomy after we had an unplanned pregnancy. He never took any responsibility for birth control or the consequences of the pregnancy always leaving the decision to me. I was the one who had the difficult pregnancy. So I finally said no sex until he gets a vasectomy. That one really didn't work because that is when I realized his lower libido.

I don't make a habit of this behavior. Its just a last ditch effort after everything else has failed - asking nicely, talking it through, offering brides, yelling, getting angry, and anything else I can do. The 2 times I did employ this tactice, it was after years of asking without getting anywhere. I feel like after a few years of being patient, I have earned the right to be a little stupid.

If somebody has a better suggestion, I am all ears.

[lizzardb63]

I feel this could be bad and I wouldn't suggest it. It could lead to a lot of resentment and anger. I think communication and respecting each other's needs is what's most important.

[Stillness]

offering brides

I looks like he has enough trouble with one. Sorry.

My 12th grade history teacher taught me that the threat of the bomb/strike/war is a more powerful weapon than the actual thing, because no one really wants the strike/war/bomb dropped. But, when you start with the power plays it might go your way in the instant case, but you create a hostile environment so that even if you win you lose. Then, what if your opponent (and you are making him an opponent) calls you on it? Now you're in a war you didn't want to be in and you've got more problems than you started out with. The only time to pull it is when you have nothing left to lose. This doesn't sound like a back-to-the-wall situation to me. It sounds like you're not getting your way so you're manipulating him. I don't get it because it sounds like you failed with this before. What if he says, "No boobs, no sex"? Or what if he starts doing the same stuff to you when he doesn't get his way? How would you feel? Your attempt at doing it before may be why he feels he can withhold sex from you.

The alternative would be continued patience. The only thing that would make it extenuating to me is the disgust you feel. If it's to the point where it's interfering with your relationship and you can't just be tougher, then extreme measures become more understandable. Your posts on other threads tell me that you don't find it so disgusting that you don't want intimacy. I'd say let it go or just continue to make your concerns known from time to time.

[DreamP346]

I looks like he has enough trouble with one. Sorry.

You know what I was trying to say (but I wouldn't be opposed to added a bride if that spiced things up)

My 12th grade history teacher taught me that the threat of the bomb/strike/war is a more powerful weapon than the actual thing, because no one really wants the strike/war/bomb dropped. But, when you start with the power plays it might go your way in the instant case, but you create a hostile environment so that even if you win you lose. Then, what if your opponent (and you are making him an opponent) calls you on it? Now you're in a war you didn't want to be in and you've got more problems than you started out with. The only time to pull it is when you have nothing left to lose. This doesn't sound like a back-to-the-wall situation to me. It sounds like you're not getting your way so you're manipulating him. I don't get it because it sounds like you failed with this before. What if he says, "No boobs, no sex"? Or what if he starts doing the same stuff to you when he doesn't get his way? How would you feel? Your attempt at doing it before may be why he feels he can withhold sex from you.

I know its juvenile, but I really am concerned about the health issues. The good insurance we have will be expiring in a few months and after that, my company's issurance isn't that great. The boobs and sex aren't the same for us. Actually, not letting him lie on my boobs is a nice break since it gives me back aches and we never have sex once he lays down on them. Its a low blow, but I really don't know what to do any more. I've never been a patient person and asking him nicely for over 3 years has sapped out any reasonable thinking on this topic in me.

You ask what I would do if my hubby did the same to me. If he was in the right, then I would hang my head down, run out the door and do whatever it was I should have done a long time ago. In both instances, my husband never denied those were things he needed to do. That's why he never argues with me on it.