[Butterflyflying]

Need to set the scene.....i have been married for 8 yrs nearly, no children, but been with my husband since i was 15 and at school. I have a good job, he has too now, he is a loving if not perfect man, and i have no anger towards him. I started an affair in january this year, with a colleague at work. He had a girlfriend, but was no longer living with her, and had, by his own admission lost himself a little. I had improved myself, weight loss, new fitness regime, general maintainence of myself and my husband seemed to hold this against me. At the time he was having work difficulties, had been for over a yr, and i was bearing the brunt i now see. I was enjoying a succesful job, still do.
This man is over 10 yrs older than me, and has had 3 previous relstionships, 1 child, which have all ended as he met someone else. He is not my boss in case your wondering!
When the affair began i beleive we both wanted to just feel attractive, sexy and desired.....the sex has been amazing from the beginning, still is.
Weeks became months and we both began to actually love each other, found our aspirations, dreams and day to day wants of life were the same.
During this time my marriage deteriated further, as i wasnt prepared to keep putting 110% in alone.....my husband and i did try, but things would be ok for a day or two, then be bad again. I took the scary decision to leave my husband and live elsewhere awhile.
At no point did my boyfriend put pressure on me to leave, but was pleased when i did.
My boyfriend spends 1-2 nights a week at his girlfriends, and says he is trying to distance himself from her, she is quite unstable as an individual, i know her as a coleague at work, so know this is true.
Thing is i'm afraid that i'm 10 weeks down the line from leaving my husband, and i'm no further forward, we chat, perhaps see each other once a week. I've told him i dont feel a spark between us anymore, but he says he wants me back no matter what.
I'm eaten up with envy and jealously everytime my boyfriend stays at his girlfriends-which is causing us issues now. Boyfriend says he wants me, sees our future as one, and that we need to work through our other relationships, conclude them, with causing the least pain as possible....i love my husband in a caring friend way, ive known him most of my life and know if he found out about my boyfriend it would destroy him.....
So, do i carry on, try to let my husband realise we are no longer for each other, go back to a comfortable if not passionate life and lose what feels like the passionate love of my life.....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Firstly, welcome to the Forum.

You know, think about this first off. You were 15, now 23? Your husband hasn't achieved his goals in life yet, but you are happy with the goals you have achieved. So you are not on the same wavelength. People change and girls definately change after 21, they mature. Often, those changes affects the relationship because how does a 15 or 23 year old know all the hard work that is required to go into a marriage, regardless if one struggles?

So, the point I am trying to make to you there, is, without support, making someone feel important, the just mosy on in life. If you have felt you have a good job, lost weight, etc but feel that he is left behind, that is what he has been feeling all along as well. Hard for him to get back up then can you see that?

I had improved myself, weight loss, new fitness regime, general maintainence of myself and my husband seemed to hold this against me. At the time he was having work difficulties, had been for over a yr, and i was bearing the brunt i now see.

Your husband was afraid to lose you.. And, his thoughts came true.

This man is over 10 yrs older than me, and has had 3 previous relstionships, 1 child, which have all ended as he met someone else

Think about this as well. He is 33, has never been married. Has had 3 longish term relationships, and became a father. Each time he broke of the relationship was because he had met "someone else"...

So, this means you hoped you were the 4th. Do you really want to be the 4th? That means someone else will be the 5th.

He is not marriage material, he doesn't want to settle down, he doesn't know what love is, so don't kid yourself..

He had a girlfriend, but was no longer living with her, and had, by his own admission lost himself a little.

My boyfriend spends 1-2 nights a week at his girlfriends, and says he is trying to distance himself from her, she is quite unstable as an individual, i know her as a coleague at work, so know this is true.

No, he means he started to get bored, because he doesn't know what love is, once the lust has worn off and once there is nothing really of interest, he moves on, but he doesn't ditch them first. He keeps them whilst moving on to his next venture..

So, do i carry on, try to let my husband realise we are no longer for each other, go back to a comfortable if not passionate life and lose what feels like the passionate love of my life.....

I think, that your husband needed to feel he was the all and end all, you said he's perfect. And, feel that he'd never lose you, no matter how talented you are.

I think that for quite some time he's felt the oposite and consequently, this has made him depressed perhaps, and consequently, finding what he wants in life career wise hasn't happened.

I think "personally" and we don't judge here. That, some people just can't stay with one person.. They get bored, hungry for lust. They cheat, which both of you are doing, not just him... Yet honestly, if you are not happy you walk, you don't cheat and you go on with that new life. Imagine if your husband finds out? Or your colleague who is fragile. I think we should think of other people, not just ourselves.

All new things are exciting.. This can be confused with love.

Like I stated, if he leaves the girlfriend and I mean, if.. Then you are number 4 and there will be a number 5 and you will never, ever, be able to go back to your husband because someone will believe in him and make him happy, accepting him for who he is.

You could be that person.

Is it worth, never having your first love again, ever? Only you can decide that, if you've been viewing it all the wrong way...

[Butterflyflying]

I'm 32, the guy ive been seeing has been married before, he's 45.
The points you have made are the same points i've been struggeling with myself......thank you for taking the time for me.

[jns]

Ive seen similar situations from several close male friends that ended in divorce. In one case, the wife became much more successful than the husband, started an affair at work, then filed for divorce. In another case, the wife wasn't more successful but had a stable job that paid OK, started an affair with a work colleague, then filed for divorce. What is interesting is the same profile fits for guys who become successful, feel that they deserve more, start affairs and split up their marriages to chase rainbows.

Who you have found most likely isn't going to treat you any different than his past romances. There will always be someone else. He is happy about the fact that he got you to prove your love for him by separating from your husband. Don't expect him to do the same. If he was truly head over heels in love for you, he would have quit the other relationship a long time ago. But he knows how this game is played, since he has so much experience.

My suggestion is this: if you no longer want to get back together with your husband, get divorced. It will hurt him for a while, but hopefully he will move on at some time in the future. As it is right now, he is in a holding pattern and that can be worse than getting a divorce. Then get rid of the bf or even do that immediately. Take some time to clear your head and get your priorities straight. Then find a new guy who you can love and who loves you. Take it from there.

[Stillness]

i love my husband in a caring friend way, ive known him most of my life and know if he found out about my boyfriend it would destroy him.....

Tell him anyway. If he's such a great perfect man and you care about him so much, doesn't he deserve to know what you've been up to? What I always seem to hear from innocent mates is that the lying and sneaking hurts as much or more than their mate having sex with someone else. He might even make your decision easier by telling you to hit the road. That would help give him the closure you and your lover seem to think he needs. Or, maybe you'll see a passion for you that you haven't seen before. He said he wants you back no matter what. Lay all the cards on the table and see if he means it. A lot of folks say their relationship improved after an affair because it made them learn how to work at a marriage.

It would be a shame to damage a friendship with a person like you describe anymore than you have that by not coming clean. Let's say by some chance you end up with your boyfriend long-term and he doesn't do to you what everybody reading your posts knows he's going to do. Unless your husband is dumb, he will ask, "Were you with him when we were together?" Than what? You're dragging out the inevitable, making a good man miserable, and potentially damaging him for a good, trustworthy lady looking for someone like her. He'll be thinking, "All women are ______." Don't do that to him. Be honorable and send him off well. Rip the band-aid off fast.

By the way, marriage is not always about feeling sexy. A lot of it is commitment, trust, and communication. All the sexy sex in the world won't make up for that. That's why your boyfriend can be such an attentive lover at the same time that he's unable to commit to one person for long. Romance with one person gets old with that type. I've got a cousin with 11 children by 3 women. His current wife has put him out because his ex-wife told him he cheated on her with another woman. She doesn't have any proof, but she can't trust him so she's jealous. Know why she can't trust him? Before he married her they were having an affair behind his first wife's back. What a tangled web...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm 32, the guy ive been seeing has been married before, he's 45.
The points you have made are the same points i've been struggeling with myself......thank you for taking the time for me.

If, they are the same points keep talking Because, you know how we have "intuition" , "gut feelings" ? They are real. They are there for a reason but unless we talk them out we can't get a clear picture and you are kind of in a clouded picture at the moment..

You know we all want that perfect picture, get bored, lose ourselves to a friendship zone, can't find our way back up, someone gives us attention and bam, we are in the wrong place, they are better.

You know the saying about the grass being greener... not..

Talk it out and then see what you think... That' why you came here.

We're listening.