[asiangrace]

This is more a vent post...but also asking how to respond to the people who have no filters? I am a very diplomatic person, I do not enjoy confrontation and I don't like hurting people's feelings even if they do say the stupidest things. But I want to know a kind, but effective way to respond to some really dumb comments.

My fiance and I share a house with his father. His father had a couple of strokes a few years back, so we live with him to take care of him. In exchange, we do not have to pay rent or utilities. My fiance owns and runs a pretty growing lawn company, it makes decent money so we're able to save since we do not have a house payment. We also don't have car payments because we both drive older cars that are completely paid off. When I say things like, "I would love to go to so-and-so, but we can't really afford it right now" People come back with, "How can you not afford it? You don't have any expenses!" or I say something like, "even just living expenses are tough" They say, "You don't have any living expenses" or "Just wait til you actually have a house payment!" It really drives me nuts these flippant remarks about our finances. People say that my fiance and I are "naive" when it comes to living and finances. And they say things like, "Ohhh just wait til you actually have to start paying for things!" We may not have a house payment, but we do live with a father (in-law) who refuses to take a bath or shower, who digs in the garbage everyday, who turns up the heat in the house to 90 degrees, who is steals and hides our personal belongings, who follows us around the house all freaking day, etc.... He is THE source of our stress (which by the way, we have been house hunting because his father has gotten too much for us now. He really does belong in a nursing home now, but his power of attorney doesn't think so, so she's not doing anything about it). We are not moochers. We are hard workers, and we take pride in what we do.
I know the comments aren't meant in spite. I truly believe it's just ignorance, but they still bite! How do you respond to these comments? Personally, I think a person's finances and money habits is none of anyone's business and these comments shouldn't be made at all, even if it's not meant in malice.

[Hugo-B]

If your finances and money habits are your own business keep them to yourself, I'm guessing other people know the details of the situation because you've told them. I do agree that people's circumstances regarding their finances are their own business; personally I have no interest in anyone else's finances and simply wish them good luck with whatever it is their doing.

More importantly, people shouldn't jump to conclusions about how easy or difficult it is walking in another person's shoes. I'll bet 90% of the people who comment on your financial situation have never had any responsibility for a mentally ill person, nor have they had to care for them or supervise them. In my opinion this actually makes them unqualified to comment with any authority on your situation, it also sounds like they're looking at it from a purely financial perspective, which is short sited and ignorant.

My grandfather was physically disabled and my mom and dad cared for him until he died when I was 14, so I grew up with him around until I was 14 when he died. Old people are hard work and require constant care. If I had the choice, and I'm sure if your fiance' did too, he'd rather have a healthy father and a mortgage.

In my experience anyone who deviates from the typical 9-5, mortgage and kids lifestyle will be subject to a certain amount of criticism. It sounds like your situation isn't necessarily even your choice, what is the alternative, putting his father in a home? Unfortunately people will never stop making thoughtless remarks at best, or denigrating and vitriolic ones at worst.

[DreamP346]

Two ways of going about this. One is sarcasm. Come back with something like "I know, isn't it great that we don't have to eat, buy clothes, toiletries, other personal expenses, have any medical expenses, pay utilities or pay taxes. And in return all we have to do is spend our days with a man who doesn't bathe, follows us around...You just wish you had our lives." Say it very jokingly and look at them and smile creepily.

The other way is to be very upfront and nicely tell them that you find their comment demeaning. Just because you don't have a mortgage, that doesn't mean you need to spend whatever money you do earn on frivolouse stuff. So you would appreciate not being talked to like that.

[Claret]

off topic a bit here, but who has the Power of Attorney for your Father-in-law? If he requires additional nursing and/or care then it is up to the Power of Attorney to obtain that.

Re: the finances - don't say anything when they say these things to you - just look them straight in the eyes and don't blink. Guaranteed they will look away first.

[Little]

I like the idea of just staring at them.

You might also try a blatant subject change, like "You know, it's so impolite to talk finances. Isn't the weather nice lately?" Because, really, it IS impolite to talk finances. You can't afford whatever luxury your friends are offering. They should leave it at that.

[jns]

My fiance and I share a house with his father. His father had a couple of strokes a few years back, so we live with him to take care of him. In exchange, we do not have to pay rent or utilities. My fiance owns and runs a pretty growing lawn company, it makes decent money so we're able to save since we do not have a house payment. We also don't have car payments because we both drive older cars that are completely paid off. When I say things like, "I would love to go to so-and-so, but we can't really afford it right now" People come back with, "How can you not afford it? You don't have any expenses!" or I say something like, "even just living expenses are tough" They say, "You don't have any living expenses" or "Just wait til you actually have a house payment!" It really drives me nuts these flippant remarks about our finances. People say that my fiance and I are "naive" when it comes to living and finances. And they say things like, "Ohhh just wait til you actually have to start paying for things!" We may not have a house payment, but we do live with a father (in-law) who refuses to take a bath or shower, who digs in the garbage everyday, who turns up the heat in the house to 90 degrees, who is steals and hides our personal belongings, who follows us around the house all freaking day, etc.... He is THE source of our stress (which by the way, we have been house hunting because his father has gotten too much for us now. He really does belong in a nursing home now, but his power of attorney doesn't think so, so she's not doing anything about it). We are not moochers. We are hard workers, and we take pride in what we do.

I'm not sure who has brought up something about going somewhere, but you opened the conversation to talking about finances.

When it comes to money, people have choices. Some spend every penny they get and more. Some barely get by. Some save a small amount and some save a lot. It sounds like you have made good choices for conserving money. Essentially, taking care of your fiance's father is taking on a second job for both of you. You will not get any compliments for being financially sound by those who do not work with their finances to that extent. Although they are not willing to put out themselves, you will get a sour grapes attitude. I grew up poor, but I saw my mother and father save money even in those circumstances. Some things were done without. People with much better means were jealous.

You might suggest to them, since they think your situation is so much better, that all adults in their households take on second jobs in addition to first jobs to understand what it takes. When they use the money earned from the second job to pay their expenses, you can say back to them that they don't have to pay any expenses from their first jobs.

Its best not to get in such conversations if you are not willing to fight back by pointing out their deficiencies if they say your life is so easy. Don't respond about not going to place X.

[asiangrace]

If your finances and money habits are your own business keep them to yourself, I'm guessing other people know the details of the situation because you've told them. I do agree that people's circumstances regarding their finances are their own business; personally I have no interest in anyone else's finances and simply wish them good luck with whatever it is their doing.

More importantly, people shouldn't jump to conclusions about how easy or difficult it is walking in another person's shoes. I'll bet 90% of the people who comment on your financial situation have never had any responsibility for a mentally ill person, nor have they had to care for them or supervise them. In my opinion this actually makes them unqualified to comment with any authority on your situation, it also sounds like they're looking at it from a purely financial perspective, which is short sited and ignorant.

My grandfather was physically disabled and my mom and dad cared for him until he died when I was 14, so I grew up with him around until I was 14 when he died. Old people are hard work and require constant care. If I had the choice, and I'm sure if your fiance' did too, he'd rather have a healthy father and a mortgage.

In my experience anyone who deviates from the typical 9-5, mortgage and kids lifestyle will be subject to a certain amount of criticism. It sounds like your situation isn't necessarily even your choice, what is the alternative, putting his father in a home? Unfortunately people will never stop making thoughtless remarks at best, or denigrating and vitriolic ones at worst.

The people who know are only people who are closest to us, we definitely don't go around offering this information to random people. That's why it's so infuriating, our closest friends think we are so naive. Both of us know how it is to pay for rent and other life expenses. And you're absolutely right, he would much rather have a healthy father and a mortgage.

[asiangrace]

I'm not sure who has brought up something about going somewhere, but you opened the conversation to talking about finances.

.

That's a good point - I will need to be more careful about saying something about our finances. When I say I can't afford something, I'm just trying to give a reason. The way I see it though, other people who say "we can't afford it right now," I just leave it at that. I don't make comments about their finances. I don't say things like, "Well, if you would be able to afford it if you didn't buy that brand new car!" It's none of my business what they spend their money on. I see it as they are giving me a reason why they can't do a certain thing, so it's best to leave it at that.

[asiangrace]

off topic a bit here, but who has the Power of Attorney for your Father-in-law? If he requires additional nursing and/or care then it is up to the Power of Attorney to obtain that.
t.

The Power of Attorney is my fiance's father's mother (in short, my fiance's grandmother). Grandmother is 90 years old, and believes her son's livelihood is his house. He really does require additional nursing, but she won't hear of it. So to force it, we're moving out. Call us cruel, but he is beyond our care anymore. It worked out for the last three years, but he's deteriorating rapidly