[HollyAnn625]

On June 22nd my sweet, loving husband of 10 yrs announced he know longer loved me, maybe never did, and was moving out. A month later he was gone without any explanation & I've been left to pick up the pieces. Our marriage hasn't exactly been normal from the beginning, and I "overlooked" a lot. In 10 yrs this man has never mowed the lawn, washed a dish, made a mortgage payment or contributed to our savings. I took care of EVERYthing! Despite that, he's always been very sweet, loving & romantic so I (stupidly) just let all the other stuff pass. That doesn't mean that I didn't press him about it from time to time, but it rarely did any good. When I did allow myself to think about it, the resentment would build & our intimate life would suffer as a result. So it was just easier & more peaceful to let it go. We had a full happy life with our 3 dogs, lots of great friends & a beautiful home. Now he says he doesn't want to be "tied down". Doesn't want anything from me or the house. This grown man now lives in a tiny studio apt across town with a mattress on the floor! He wants us to be friends but I'm so shocked & distraught that I don't know how that's possible! For all his shortcomings as a husband, I still love him & would do anything to fix this. But he flat out refuses to try & he just wants to move on. He's been gone 2 months now and I don't feel like I've made any progress. I miss him terribly but he's just grown cold & harsh. He's said things to me I nvr thought he could be capable of. I'm FAR from perfect but I just can't understand what he's looking for that he didn't get from me. He always seemed so happy and there was never any indication that something was seriously wrong (except maybe our unusually imbalanced arrangement). But now he says it was all a lie. Some days I'm so sad that I just pray not to wake up. He's said all along that there's nobody else and I can't find any evidence that he's lying (not that that means anything I guess). I just wish I could turn off my feelings the way he has. I've always been smart and driven and successful, but this whole thing has made me feel stupid, ugly & weak. I keep myself busy with my job & going out with friends, but inevitably the sadness just follows me home. I miss my old life with my best friend & soulmate, and i just don't know how to be happy any other way. Sorry for long post!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think if you are a driven successful person, that allowed him to "live" with you, whilst you tended to everything and then argue over that from time to time, perhaps he didn't feel he was worth anything.

That's not your fault entirely so don't think that I am blaming you at all.

I am merely pointing out that maybe he needs to feel the same? That he is a successful person that shares a marriage, including taking the rubbish out, mowing the lawn and contributing to the Mortgage.

If you can find a way to pump him up (as a friend) to believe in himself and that he can be someone, and he does, then maybe you two could be then, on equal terms and try again.

[HollyAnn625]

I do blame myself. I didnt push him to help more because it made him angry, which usually set us up for an argument. But bottling it up just built the resentment & made it hard on our intimate life, which bothered him a lot. I look back now and wish that i hadnt pushed at all, or hadnt let the resentment effect our intimacy. But it seemed so unfair that I should have to do it all alone. I tried so hard to encourage him over the yrs, but he's never been really motivated or passionate about anything. He's had a variety of hobbies that I've supported, and at one point he even quit his full time job to start a business with a friend. I have always supported him in anything he wanted to do or try, but the problem is he just never really wanted to do a whole lot. God, reading this it looks like im talking about a child instead of a grown man! He always joked about being lazy, but as we got older it became a lot less funny, because it put so much pressure on me physically & financially. My friends, family & therapist all say I should just get really good & mad and cut off all communication. That i am better off without him, but i disagree. I still love him with all my heart & miss him so much that it hurts... however, he insists he doesn't love me anymore & that he doesn't want to even try. So I'm trying hard to make a life on my own, but nothing feels right without him. I know I need to just move on because hes not giving me any other choice, but I feel so paralyzed by the grief & pain that I just can't seem to get out of my own way. Just wish I could go to sleep & wake up in a year when all this is behind me...

[jns]

I don't see anything in his character that says that he would fight for what he wants. His breaking with you and his reactions to your wanting to get back together are par for the course. Getting resentful when his shortcomings are pointed out is also in character. Was he this way even when he was a child? I have to agree with your advisers.

[Stillness]

I really believe this is not over, but it will probably take a while. It was probably the lack of intimacy that killed it. That's part of the cement that keeps things solid. He wasn't playing his role, so you didn't feel that desire for him.

Does he work? It just seems like he needs to grow up a bit and then he might realize you're what he needs. Maybe. He sounds like a mama's boy who never really got a chance to be on his own. What does he mean by saying it was a lie? What was your courtship like?

[HollyAnn625]

He grew up in an affluent family so i suppose he was always a bit spoiled. But I'm trying not to cast stones here, and instead just work on my own issues & how they played a role in this so i can learn how not to spend my life repeating them. Why did I allow myself to be defined by taking care of him & our home? Why do I feel so empty & meaningless without him? Why do I continue to miss someone who put me thru the ringer for 10 yrs & then just turned his back on me as if it all meant nothing? Without any explanation or warning...yet he told me he loved me a dozen times a day, called every day on our lunch hour, and appeared to be happy- so what did I miss? Why can't I accept it when he says he doesn't love me anymore? Why didn't he give us the opportunity to fix this? I've read about this happening to so many people but I never thought it would happen to us. I feel like a complete & utter failure that he's now going to go out & find someone else to be happy with, when my whole existence centered around making him happy and yet it wasn't enough. I just don't know where to go from here. He doesn't seem to be blaming himself for ANYthing, yet I sit around blaming myself for all of it. He doesn't miss me or our home and yet I miss it all for both of us. And so the imbalance continues...

[HollyAnn625]

In my gut I don't think its over either Stillness, but I can't tell if that's just my wishful thinking or not...he does work. He's got a great job and together we made a very good living. Although recently he decided he's unhappy with that too. It seems like he's just dumping on all the things that ever seemed to mean anything to him. I am 6 yrs older than him, and we only courted about 6 mos before getting married 10 yrs ago. It was a passionate whirlwind, but I never once doubted he was the love of my life. We've shared so many great years together, i dont know how he could say it was all just a lie. I dont even know what that means! So question is now, do I stay away & just let him figure this out for himself? Do I play cold & harsh right back? Should i just be a supportive friend? I don't want to be a doormat to someone who doesn't care about me anymore. But I love this man with all my heart & I truly believe that we are meant to be together, even if he doesn't agree right now. So how long do I hang on?

[jns]

For your relationship with him to work, he has to be an active participant. If he does not want to be in a relationship with you, there is nothing you can do. Sure, you can try to get him to come back, but he has broken the trust.

The great thing is that it sounds like you have a great set of likeable traits. This means that after a period of reflection, you should be able to find another relationship. This doesn't mean that the new guy will take advantage of you such as this guy did.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Holly,

You are going to go through a lot of emotions. Anger will also set in at some stage, maybe even distaste.. For now you are blamming yourself for the most part and consequently, still "loving him".. and that's ok.

Re-read what you have written.

He was spoilt, had what ever he wanted, and did with you too.

He has ventured into a new business but I imagine it didn't work out and you supported your "family" financially as well as emotionally.

Every time you tried to up the anti and get him to participate in the marriage he let you down, got angry and so you continued on your own.

He has gone on for 10 years doing not much, you have achieved so much.

You both from the sounds of it were in-compatible to start with and you felt that love would conquer all, as it should but it didn't.

When you start to see all you gave, in every way, shape and form, how he didn't, what he did as in the way he ended it, trust me anger is going to set in.

He either will realise in the near future how he has hurt and used you or he will see himself as a failure, which he needs to reach out and tell you that and try again, it will be one of the two.

For now, concentrate on you, 10 years is not a lifetime, mine was 7 and I am with a loving, giving partner now.

You can not change someone, they need to do it for themselves, the life you lived you didn't really like, it turned you off wanting intimacy, the love is the love of the idea of being in love with your husbandf as it should have been but it may be that there is someone better out there that you deserve and this chapter has to close.

What you take from this if that is the case, is you share. You do not do it all, it happens as togetherness.

We are here for you to keep talking to..

But, you need to STOP putting all the blame on yourself...

[HollyAnn625]

Had a decent day I guess, hope you all did too :-) just an overwhelming feeling of melancholy lately. Some weeks I seem to cruise along OK, but there are times like this that I seem to get stuck in a sad "funk". I wish more than anything I could just turn off my feelings & stop missing him and my old life. We talkd on the phone for a bit last night & by email again today. Very friendly- we've always had such a great friendship and sometimes I miss that as much as my marriage. I know I should stop talking to him because even if we're friendly it usually just makes me sad aftrwrd. God I don't want this, and i don't understand it! I hate being apart! I hate not being given the chance to work at this! I know we could learn from this and make our marriage better, if only he would try. I hate that he doesn't even want to try! And i hate that I feel like a whiny little baby who can't accept that things aren't going her way...I've got to find a way to accept this & move cuz its just eating me alive. Seriously just want to punch myself in the face right now haaa!