[jns]

I'm not going to tell you to cut off communications, but I will tell you that maintaining communications will just prolong the pain of separation. He has to grow and to learn how to love to make it work. Such situations rarely work out with getting back together for the long run. Try to fill your time with keeping busy, so you don't think about this situation too much. Take on a chore that takes a lot of time and effort that gives a good result when you are finished (my thoughts were things like painting the house or landscaping the yard, but those were for me, come up with something for you).

[HollyAnn625]

You're totally right jns. I don't know why I continue to torture myself. I continue to hold onto the pathetic hope that he will snap out of this and come home. He's certainly given me no reason to hope, but I just can't seem to believe that it's over. I can't believe that he could just walk out like our vows meant nothing. Like the life we built & the home we created meant nothing. That all the laughter & love we shared wasnt real. This man told me he loved me all day long until one day he came home & said he didn't love me anymore. How am I supposed to just believe that? "So you don't love me anymore even though you always said you couldn't live without me? Alright then, pass the salt please"...seriously, how am i supposed to just accept this sudden change of heart that came without any warning or explanation? He's out there living his new life now while I struggle just to do basic things like eat & sleep. I dont care what papers I have to sign, I'll always be married to him in my heart and i don't want anyone else. I used to be a fun, happy person but now I really do think I'm just going nuts and destined to be alone.

[jns]

All of your symptoms are consistent with you being in love. Some would say those symptoms are also those of being nuts. He doesn't have those symptoms or he would be making an effort to get back with you. Over time, things will change. You will start to see the situation from a perspective of time. What you shared was real, but somewhere toward the end doubt crept in from his side and he let it grow. A person who is secure about their relationship rejects those doubts and doesn't give them the chance to grow and metastasize. I'm sure if at some point move on, you will find a great love again.

[Stillness]

I'm a little confused by you saying he had a good job and you all made a good living together. Your first post gave me the impression that he was a bum mooching off of you.

If not for the intimacy issues I would be as sure as one can be after hearing about a break-up online that something has happened that you don't know about. Even with the lack of intimacy, I still think something has happened with him. He's saying it was a lie. You don't understand. Maybe it was because he was lying or keeping something from you. It could just be bitterness that had built up, though. This could seem sudden, but he could have just been sitting on these feelings for a while. Some people will put up with lack of sex indefinitely and some will not. Once it get's to the breaking point there may be no fixing it, short of an act of God.

Unfortunately, if he doesn't want to open up, you can't make him. When a person's words and actions line up, you just have to accept that they are where they say they are. I like jns' suggestion to find something to make yourself busy. I also like his hesitancy to tell you to cut him off. But what you have to figure out is what your goals. You'd like to be happy with or without him. Does being "best buddies" with him help you move towards either one of those goals? Sometimes a good thing has to be gone for you to miss it.

[HollyAnn625]

We both have good paying jobs & together we made a comfortable living, but in the past 3 years he's contributed less & less. When I questioned the drop off he said he didn't have any money. Sounds crazy I know, but for some reason I didn't get suspicious of anything so i didnt question it further. He had joined some local sports teams & I guess i just figured those activities were expensive so i let it slide because I wanted to be supportive. So stupid I know! He's struggling even more now that im not there to pay for everything, and he still won't say where all his money's going. None of this matters now I know, but the questions in my head persist. I do keep busy- I sing in my church choir, i'm remodeling a couple rooms in my house, and i'm very fortunate to have a wonderful group of family & friends that all work hard to help keep me busy. I know they're all anxious for me to buck up & move on though, and they're probably getting a little tired of hearing about my misery. I do want to be happy, but its so hard for me to imagine feeling that way without him. Yes he was lazy & put a tremendous amount of unfair responsibility on me, but he was also sweet & funny & loving and we had a lot of fun together. I guess my biggest struggle is with romanticizing the past. CW was right- there were a lot of things about our relationship that made me very unhappy. But now that it's gone, all I seem to think about are the good times. Guess I need to just stay focused on the reality of the past and remember all the things that made me miserable.