[cartogenic]

I could use a little support. I'm in the process of divorcing. I am the breadwinner in my family, we have three small kids together. Here is the abbreviated description of our ten year marriage:
1) He was on dating sites within a week of our honeymoon
2) He hit me
3) He cheated on me, typically at cheap massage parlors and with prostitutes
4) He decided to stop working when our children were born and stayed home with them about three days a week. The rest of the time he "worked" for himself and never brought home a penny while I worked
5) While he was watching the kids he smoked weed regularly and at least once, invited expensive prostitutes home to our house to provide sexual favors and "meet the kids" - best part, I paid for that
6) He threw our first puppy and broke her leg. He then poisoned and strangled his cat when she was ill and he didn't want to pay to put her down. He stabbed a fox up on the road that had been hit by a car (in front of our neighbor) rather than call the authorities, and finally, he stabbed our new puppy to death in the back yard, while the kids and I were home, after I begged him not to.
7) Turns out he maintained an emotional affair with his high school girlfriend throughout our 10 year marriage, on and off. Interestingly, this was the final straw for me.

When I wanted him out of the house I turned to some mutual friends in a local church that we were both mildly involved in. They called their pastor and we had a meeting. Soon thereafter he became an evangelical Christian/born again Christian.

So here's the thing: everybody in the church thinks he's awesome. Meanwhile, he's still treating us quite badly. I have the kids most of the time. He doesn't pay child support and I have to pay him alimony. When this is all done he walks away with his car and I walk away with $85k in debt. We had to sell the house and I have to give him all the profit. He tells the kids that I am mean to him and is very inconsistent about when he picks up or drops them off, or even about their care when he's with them. None of this would be an issue if our mutual friends weren't involved (as this is just typical behavior for him) but when I get to hear about how much baggage I have and how much I have to work on... and then how well he's doing given that he's now a Christian, I want to scream. I was told not to attend the church as it's "his" place to work on his things and i should find somewhere else to go. Meanwhile, he is taking my children there... and I'm not welcome there!

It's all so hurtful. Any suggestions?

[physicsnerd]

Interestingly, this was the final straw for me.

I'd have to say that is interesting. I think I can understand why. It may be equally as strange when I say that, were I in your situation, the final straw for me would've been smoking weed while watching the kids. In my current relationship, as soon as any of this behavior started, it would've been over but, if I were in a situation where children were a product of the relationship, as long as they were being shielded from the effects of my husband's behavior, it's hard for me to honestly say where I would've drawn the line.

I have been in a relationship that has lasted longer than most marriages; it hasn't lasted quite ten years but, sometimes it feels like it's been longer. Our relationship is really good now but, it wasn't always that way.

We were off and on for the first few years and, I wanted so badly to be a good partner and a someone who he could really count on that, it was amazing how easy it was for me to look past some things over which I would've advised any of my friends to "dump his ***." It's really amazing how I could make myself reason past things over which I was completely justified for getting angry and, I just held my tongue or we discussed it as an area that "needed to be addressed" and we forgave and forgot.

I think I can understand why the emotional connection with another woman would've affected you so much more than any of the prior instances of infidelity. I knew of all of my boyfriend's prior girlfriends and had even met a few. I knew why those relationships had ended, from his point of view and, none of them were threatening to me, even though one of them worked for a modeling agency. He had nothing in common with most of them. However, we had a mutual friend in whom he started showing some unusual interest at one point and, that is the only time that I've ever been affected by any of his relationships with other women. There was an emotional connection between them, as friends and, it was a perceived threat. It was one thing if he thought another girl was pretty, or if he looked at another girl's butt (which he has never done, in my presence, actually) but, I was absolutely green that he might "like" this girl better than me. There was never any infidelity and, it's certainly not apples to apples but, I think I can relate to the difference between physical betrayal and emotional betrayal.

Then, when things started getting serious, and he was talking engagement and such, there was a time when I was concerned I would find myself in your situation. I was afraid I would be the bread-winner and, if we were to encounter problems at any point, I realized that I may end up having to pay alimony to him.

We reached a point where I finally drew a line in the sand, told him I wasn't putting up with it any more, we were broke up for quite a while and, he made a genuine change in himself. Again, however, it's not apples to apples. None of his transgressions have ever remotely compared to what kind of things your ex-husband has put you through. And, the point I am making is certainly NOT to suggest that y'all should try to mend things or that things will work out.

I would have to wonder if your ex ever exhibited any of these behaviors before y'all got married or, perhaps even, why you married him but, those are really only questions you need to ask yourself. What drew you to him? Why did you stick it out for so long? Take the time to really, sincerely answer these questions for yourself so that you don't find yourself in a similar situation again. You deserve better. But, more importantly, your children deserve better.

As far as the church goes, my advice to you would be to find another church or another bible study to separate yourself from your ex. And, in my opinion, congregations aren't everything. Not that church is a bad thing but, it's really just a religious environment for a support group. Every member is a human. They are no better than you and, they can't bring you any closer to your god than you can. You need to trust in your god, not your congregation. And, I'm sure your god does not exist with one congregation alone. Distance yourself from your old church and distance yourself from your ex but, don't stop praying. God won't let you down.

The truth of the matter is that you're in a bad situation. It's not like you don't know that. And, I haven't been in your shoes but, I can tell you one thing and, if you only take one thing from my reply, let it be this:

You have children. They are the only people who are ever going to love you unconditionally and, they are in this as much as you are. But, you are their mother, and, you need to be strong for them. You need to get them away from their father's influence and, you need to create a constructive environment for them. They may not understand the situation and, your ex may have put conflicting thoughts in their heads but, they will understand actions over words. Kids aren't stupid. If you are the parent who puts them first and tries to shield them from the conflict of divorce, rather than use them as pawns in the divorce against the other spouse, they will see things for what they are. But, just worry about finding normalcy for them and protecting them from the pain you are going through. You will find your strength through them, in being strong for them.

You don't deserve to have been put through this but, think of things from your childrens' perspectives: they really don't deserve this. The actions of your ex were abusive, plain and simple. And, they had no say in your and your ex's relationship. So, worry about making things better for your kids and, things will get better for you. I don't know that things will get easier for you but, they will get better.

Talk to a lawyer and, do everything in your power to keep that man away from your children. He negligence and abusive behaviors put your children at risk every time they are with him.

I am so sorry for what you are going through but, don't stop praying.

[physicsnerd]

Another thing I might add and, I don't want this to sound like an attack but, the fact that the emotional betrayal got to you over all of the physical infidelity could imply that you hold men to different standards than what you hold yourself.

I am guilty of doing this but, it's something I am working on in myself. I think men and women are, inarguabley, different but, it doesn't mean they should be held to different moral standards.

He broke the trust between y'all as a part of the marriage agreement with each act of infidelity, however unattached he may have been while doing it, as much as he broke trust by maintaining an inappropriate relationship with his high school sweetheart.

I hold to the beliefs that romance doesn't have to go hand-in-hand with love. It should, to a realistic extent but, it doesn't have to. But, you deserve to be loved and, you deserve a relationship that is based on love and, even if that doesn't include fairy-tale romance, there's no reason for it to not be a good relationship. Don't ever lose sight of that. You deserve a good relationship and, I would suggest working on reminding yourself what constitutes a "good" relationship.

Especially in such a tough time, don't lose site of the fact that you deserve a good relationship.

[cartogenic]

The reason that his emotional infidelity was the final straw is because it make it crystal clear to me at that time that he could not be trusted. Clearly he had done multiple things that were awful at different points in our marriage. Each time he stopped and did not repeat the behavior. I insisted on counseling and a variety of other interventions, which he was a willing participant in.

I was invested in making the marriage work, particularly as we had children. However, when I found out that he had lied consistently over 10 years about the same thing, I realized that he could not be trusted at all. The counsel I had received from multiple professionals, who had suggested that he was working hard to change, was wrong. At that point, he was not a man with serious issues who was also loyal and trying to change, rather, he was a man who worked hard to do what he could to pull the wool over my eyes. That meant, without a doubt, that he was dangerous to the children and I. I had him out of the house within hours.