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A question to the married women

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  • A question to the married women

    Did you mention marriage when dating, or did he propose to you on his own? When did you mention marriage during the relationship? Did you let him know early on that you would like kids someday, like 3 months of dating or so? Did you wait a few years?

    I'm just curious. I'm concerned that a woman mentioning marriage may scare a man off or kill the attraction? To all the men, would you rather have your girlfriend be upfront on what she wants to see in her future? A family member in my life keeps asking if I found a man to marry, but he doesn't understand that it's not realistic to find a man overnight and marry him. I really don't know how you're supposed to get a man to marry you.
    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

  • woyuldnt you rather have the solid relationship BEFORE marriage? i suppose you could find a mail order husband if a husband was all you wanted,but i would rather the relationship be solid enough to last past the honeymoon phase.

    Comment


    • Yes, but I'm wondering how people know when the man they're in a relationship with is interested in taking into another level. Of course I want a solid relationship, but I don't want to be in something that's not going to go anywhere.

      Time and time again, I have been handed the arranged marriage option on a silver platter. If I'm going to keep getting myself involved in relationships that don't go anywhere, the more my family is going to push for the arranged marriage option.
      "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

      Comment


      • With all my threads on dating men and women, I know I sound very confused. I thought my mom would be open-minded when I told her that I'm contemplating women, and I also wondered if it would stop with the marriage pressure. I was proven wrong, and it made my family even more willing to push arranged marriage. They say "Let us find a man that can satisfy you. You just need our help and you will no longer think about women."

        As the days go by, I just think dating men and securing marriage gets too complicated. At least a lot of women are looking for serious long-term relationships, but my family will be very heart-broken if I end up with a woman. My mom said she couldn't even sleep all night when I told her. Then, I felt bad.

        I see all these married women everyday and wonder how their man proposed? How were they able to find men that wanted to marry them and not men that said "I'm not ready" or "I'm not looking for anything serious."
        "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

        Comment


        • When I started dating my husband, I was not looking for marriage, kids, etc. After we had been involved 2 1/2 years, we knew that is where we were heading, we discussed marraige, family, children. Of course, by this time, I had assessed that he was marriage material, would fit into my Asian family (well somewhat), was financially secure, etc. The right way to do it is before you settle down.

          If you state upfront that you want these things, you will eliminate people who are afraid of the upfront commitment (I know I would have run if somebody told me that is what they were hoping for long term), and folks who are not currently looking for that but may in the future. I am a big believer that love/finding the right person happens when you aren't looking. My hypothesis is that you aren't trying so hard and just being yourself so are more likely to find somebody who likes the real you. Of course, that's just my opinion. But all my relationships happened when all I was looking for was non commital fun.

          About your family, now there are different ways of handling them.
          1) You can minimize your contact with them so the one time a year they see you they don't have enough time to bug you about the arranged marriage
          2) Become really obnoxious and bring home dates that would horrify them
          3) Give them a long list of requirements that are impossible to find all in one person
          4) Tell them you are not a virgin and you will have to tell the family of the perspective groom and wouldn't that be more humiliating than having an unmarried daughter
          5) Learn to ignore them
          6) Laugh it off. Make jokes everytime they bring it up.

          The civil way to go is #5 but you'll have to go by what works best for you family
          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

          Comment


          • Sp-As I mentioned in an older thread, some commitment phobic men lie and pretend to go along with the woman's marriage wishes in hopes of getting you to do what they want.

            I agreed to be on an Indian marriage site a few years ago. One Indian man born and raised in America pretended to be interested in marriage, but he then said he wasn't looking for anything serious. He also was feeling me up, grabbing my breasts and asking me sexual questions on our date. Another Indian-American man on the same marriage site asked me for naked pictures, and got mad at me when I told him no. These men were fully aware that I was looking for something serious, but they didn't care. They were willing to do anything it would take to get me naked.


            My family knows I'm a non-virgin and that I've had casual sex. Their suggestion is to just keep it a secret and not tell my future spouse. My mom even says that today's Indian man no longer expects a 30 year old virgin bride, and any man in 2012 that wants a virgin today is dumb.
            "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

            Comment


            • After dating my husband for about only three months I knew he was the one so I told him so. When he responded he was like, "Okay, we'll see what happens in the fututre." A few months later he proposed.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                Sp-As I mentioned in an older thread, some commitment phobic men lie and pretend to go along with the woman's marriage wishes in hopes of getting you to do what they want.

                I agreed to be on an Indian marriage site a few years ago. One Indian man born and raised in America pretended to be interested in marriage, but he then said he wasn't looking for anything serious. He also was feeling me up, grabbing my breasts and asking me sexual questions on our date. Another Indian-American man on the same marriage site asked me for naked pictures, and got mad at me when I told him no. These men were fully aware that I was looking for something serious, but they didn't care. They were willing to do anything it would take to get me naked.


                My family knows I'm a non-virgin and that I've had casual sex. Their suggestion is to just keep it a secret and not tell my future spouse. My mom even says that today's Indian man no longer expects a 30 year old virgin bride, and any man in 2012 that wants a virgin today is dumb.
                I wasn't trying to say telling up front is a good thing. Actually the opposite. You may elliminate people who aren't looking for that type of commitment actively, but may become something long term down the road if given the right circumstances. So my recommendation is to not mention anything up front.
                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                  To all the men, would you rather have your girlfriend be upfront on what she wants to see in her future?
                  Hypothetically, yes. I don't believe in casual dating. I wouldn't date someone who does. If I was dating I would be ready and willing to marry and so would she. The only question would be compatibility on sex, personality, child-rearing, finance, etc.

                  My beliefs were different when I was actually dating. In my teens and early twenties any serious marriage talk perceived as pressure to marry would have most likely scared me off. My religious views changed while I was dating and I immediately proposed to my girlfriend and we had a public ceremony within a week.
                  "Those sowing seed with tears
                  Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by sp346 View Post
                    I wasn't trying to say telling up front is a good thing. Actually the opposite. You may elliminate people who aren't looking for that type of commitment actively, but may become something long term down the road if given the right circumstances. So my recommendation is to not mention anything up front.
                    In my last relationship, I mentioned the future after 9 months of dating. My last boyfriend was willing to commit to me quickly without me having to mention anything, but he pulled away the minute I mentioned to him how I was expected to get married.

                    I'm just curious how most couples start talking about this? Does the woman bring it up or does it vary? How did your man react? If he pulls away or gets defensive about money, does it mean he's not interested and I should go look elsewhere?
                    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                      As the days go by, I just think dating men and securing marriage gets too complicated. At least a lot of women are looking for serious long-term relationships, but my family will be very heart-broken if I end up with a woman. My mom said she couldn't even sleep all night when I told her. Then, I felt bad.
                      Your family should stop meddling in YOUR life! Whether you choose to marry a man or not and/or sleep with women should really be of no concern to them. Just like if you choose to be a astronaut, dentist, doctor, lawyer, parking lot attendant or Walmart greeter should not be an issue either. Tell your family that you know they have good intentions, but they should only be concerned with YOUR happiness. Then tell them that they are putting so much pressure on you to find the right man that you are having difficulty being yourself, which is sabotaging your relationships. Tell them that if they don't stop meddling that they will be seeing less of you. Do this in a firm, but loving manner. It might take a few times, but it should work if they truly care about your happiness more then what friends think about their 30+ year old unmarried daughter.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                        In my last relationship, I mentioned the future after 9 months of dating. My last boyfriend was willing to commit to me quickly without me having to mention anything, but he pulled away the minute I mentioned to him how I was expected to get married.

                        I'm just curious how most couples start talking about this? Does the woman bring it up or does it vary? How did your man react? If he pulls away or gets defensive about money, does it mean he's not interested and I should go look elsewhere?
                        It really depends on the couple and individual. A person like your ex would have had to be slowly slipped into the idea. Kind of sneaking it in. Not really moving in together but you are basically living with him. That type of stuff. Some people are just phobic about marriage and being tied down.

                        In my relationship, we never really sat down and had the formal talk, but when you have been together over 2 years, you know each other very well and know each other's intensions and what they want with life. There might have been talks about what type of wedding we would want, how our parents would want grand kids, etc. But they were all casual conversations. Personally (and this is just me), I hate the serious converstation about "where is this relationship going?"

                        Something my hubby (then boyfriend) did which I liked a lot was always bring things up very gently. A month after intense dating (seeing each other 5 times a week and talking every day), he said something like "I hope this isn't too forward and I don't mean to scare you off, but I really like you a lot." There was no expectation for me to return the feelings that made me very comfortable. It did get me a tiny bit concerned that we were headed towards the "love" state pretty fast, but it was done so gently without putting any pressure on me that even a commitment phobe like myself was OK with it.

                        I think you can be clear what you want from life (like saying you do want marriage and kids and a house in the suburbs, etc), but if you say "I am hoping you will want to get married and have kids and buy a house in the suburbs one day" that puts a lot of pressure on the person up front when they don't know anything about the relationship.

                        Of course, all my suggestions are coming from a commitment phobe. I will say, all my guy friends tell me that women in their 30's are more aggressive and up front with what they want. They tend to be on a mission about commitment and settling down. So the guys I know get turned off by that behavior. Now older guys might be a different matter. They may also be looking to settle down and like it when a woman says they want to get married/have kids, etc. it all really depends on the person.
                        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                        Comment


                        • SP-I have also heard that many men feel that women have an agenda when they hear them bring up marriage and commitment. I also don't feel comfortable asking where this is going or "Are you serious about me?" Towards the end of my last relationship, it was actually a good thing that my ex didn't want to get married. We weren't right for each other, due to other various differences. We did live with each other for a month, an I learned that there's no way in hell that I want to marry this man.

                          Jon Doe-I have told my family to stop meddling in my life numerous times. I have also explained that dating in 2012 is much different than how things were in India during the 1970's. They keep saying that they want what's best for me, which is why they're so concerned. They have 50K saved up for my marriage. They have improved over the years, but they still don't quite get it.

                          I choose to stay in contact with my family, because they're helpful in other ways. I personally got angry at a male family member saying "Let me talk to a man that you meet. I will get you to marry him." What the hell? That's a surefire way to scare a guy off.
                          "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                          Comment


                          • I have also offered books to my parents to help them understand how dating has changed. A great book called "Why men marry **********es" explains why women shouldn't thrust or push marriage onto their man. A lot of the men interviewed in that book made some great points. That a woman is more likely to get commitment the less she talks about it. I feel like my parents think western style dating is a waste of time and want to see a marriage proposal right away.

                            If I do go the arranged marriage route, I think it's fair to let a man know that I'm only doing it for my parents and that I'm not really into him. My parents said they would be humiliated if I do this, but a man needs to know the truth. I have even considered finding a gay Indian man to marry, as many gay Indian men are looking for marriage of conveniences. That way he can date whoever he wants when married and I can also date whomever I want. The only problem is a gay man I and may not be able to produce grandkids.
                            Last edited by Little; 10-01-2012, 03:20 PM.
                            "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Magnetism View Post
                              If I do go the arranged marriage route, I think it's fair to let a man know that I'm only doing it for my parents and that I'm not really into him. My parents said they would be humiliated if I do this, but a man needs to know the truth. I have even considered finding a gay Indian man to marry, as many gay Indian men are looking for marriage of conveniences. That way he can date whoever he wants when married and I can also date whomever I want. The only problem is a gay man I and may not be able to produce grandkids.
                              Whose happiness is most important to you - yours or your parents?

                              Comment

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