[hotdogg]

sorry but a good wife would not go behind her husbands back!

did you vow to only be faithful if he puts out! no! you vowed to forsake all others, i feel sorry for you're husband.

you came here hoping people would tell it is ok to cheat on your husband, sorry but i hate people who cheat.

[Guest]

i'm butting in with some totally unsolicited comments...

so, it's unforgivable to cheat.

but it's healthy to film two other people cheating (many porn stars are married & work with partners other than their spouse) & jack off to the film...

OK. i got it.

now i'm butting out. you two continue.

just wanted to clarify.

[LadyLane]

Well HD, I'm not sure if you're slow or what, but I didn't come here looking for the "all clear" or thumbs up.

If I had anyone to discuss it with rationally, I wouldn't be here asking strangers for advice - you're judging me with lots of venom based on something I haven't done and may never have the nerve or guts or desire to do.

I never said I wasn't going to tell him, either.

You hate people who cheat; I hate people with bad grammar.

Wilhelm - I don't think its unforgivable to cheat. I know a few women who have forgiven their husbands for infidelity. I would forgive my own husband for a fling (and we've discussed this alot) because of the life we have built and because we have a family. I can torture him enough staying married to him , I'm not going to financially punish him with lawyers and alimony and child support. But I don't think a man can forgive a woman for cheating, which is a ridiculous double standard but I think you're all hardwired that way.

[EmotionsRvalid]

Worse than cancer

Dear Ladylane,
I respect and admire you for your resolve and loyalty. These two attributes make you a marked woman of value and virtue. Any man could count himself lucky to be your wife for that! Your husband is truly fortunate to have a woman who is as understanding and faithful as you have been. I understand and sympathize with your situation. Instead of doing what you see so much in TV and Movies and perhaps hear from your friends, you've done the right thing which makes you a very special woman. Great things come to women who do what you do! You should feel really good about that!
Your husband must be going through something absolutely awful. The doubts and concerns that he has about his intimacy must threaten his very manhood not to mention his pride. Most of all I'm sure he's very concerned about the possibility of losing a wonderful wife in you.
The situation you're in is a tough one, but not impossible. Especially for a woman like you. From what little I know about you I feel that you are a strong-good person. Don't be afraid to tell him that you've been thinking about cheating. He won't be surprised. He'll likely be understanding even if he's so scared by it that he won't show his true feelings.
My wife cheated on me and I can tell you there is absolutely nothing worse or more stressfully plaugeing than to have to stomach that truth. There's no way to describe the stress and pain- I can only try. I wish she would have told me sooner when things were more simple. The news that she had an affair demolished the love, respect and just the pure-yummy affectionate feelings and thoughts I had for her before. Because of our child and the progress we've built together I've stayed with her. (I'm also a blue personality motivated by intimacy and loyalty.)
It is H***. I got an ulcer, I wonder every time she goes out alone, I can't sleep (for months) etc. It's a big deal to a man to be cheated on. It's demoralizing and hard not to think about it constantly. At face value it seems maybe understandable. I thought it would never happen, and if it did I could reason through it and I'd be alright. It's nigh unbearable- worse than cancer. More painful than any broken bones, or death of a loved one. It's VERY painful. I've really had to work very hard at keeping it off my mind. I've even called up and scolded the $#% out of the guy she cheated with over the phone and then forgave and encouraged him to be better. It was a better course of action for me than the violence that first came to mind- I'm 6'4" 200lbs. and ripped. He's 20 years older than me and small. I was afraid if I saw him the damage to my life's options from the situation would be worse for me. Fortunately as I have continued to do the right things- every other aspect of my life has been multiplied. My training has accelerated, self esteem improved, income, etc. Ironically I get hit on way more now that my minds made up to do the right thing- it's fun, and NO GUILT!!! I hate guilt- it sucks!
The irony in my case is that I was like you at the time. I was having the same temptations and thoughts, but I like you was also faithful. I'm so glad now that I was. My self esteem took a brutal blow, but I'm so pleased that I've preserved my integrity. I still don't know if my marriage should be saved, but I know I'll be better off either way given the path I've walked.
Advise recap- Talk to him with a motive of love for yourself and him. Give him an ultimatum of what you are and aren't willing to live with. (He's waiting for a fire to be lit under him- light a match! ) Remember your needs and feelings are important and valid. Every bit as important and valid as his. Also remember that if you can live with it you may have to that. A lot of divorced people aren't any happier than they were in an unhappy marriage. Those who are in the divorced and happier group did things according to powerful principles. My love and prayers go out to you both. You'll do awesome!

[LadyLane]

Thank you EmotionsR... it helps to hear the other side of the story from a male perspective. Its not that I want to do this to get back at him for anything or to hurt him (which, let's face it, isn't possible) with this. I think these feelings possibly even arose as a response to all the stress? Sex for me is sometimes an affirmation - I need to feel close to him when something bad happens - a death, etc., whereas he is the opposite. And so I abide by his wishes because in such instances it can't be easy for him to pretend to want sex whereas I can pretend it's no big deal.

And probably going to my hometown and getting hit on, feeling somehow validated, churned up the issue even more for me. But now that some time has passed, its subsided somewhat.

We're going to a wedding on Saturday. I was joking around saying that I was going to have a great time flirting with all the single firemen there - the groom is one - and my husband, who ordinarily would have laughed, was kind of like, um, what? He got a little annoyed, so I had to backtrack and say that they all would probably have wives or girlfriends. So judging from that reaction alone, what he's feeling about himself and his body, etc., really are in the forefront of his mind. I suppose I have to give him a few more months to slip back into his old self.

[ThePhotographer]

Lady Lane

You haven't replyied my posting. I'm serious, I want to meet you and threat you like a piece of meat - no strings attached - I just want to make use of your body.

[Little]

You haven't replyied my posting. I'm serious, I want to meet you and threat you like a piece of meat - no strings attached - I just want to make use of your body.

Hooray for sarcasm :P At least, I hope so.

[rcoreyus]

Not everyone views "cheating" the same way. I would not be particularly upset if I found out my wife was cheating - assuming she was being safe. She may have done so - but other than a mild curiosity it just doesn't matter to me.

I know that for some people the thought of a spouse cheating is devistating - but not for everyone.

In my opinion, if your spouse is not meeting your sexual needs, you have a right to look elsewhere. This is not done to "punish" the spouse. I think it is even healthy, otherwise you may come to resent, even hate your spouse for limiting you happiness. How does your sleeping with someone else hurt your spouse?

I know this is an extreme minority opinion.

[Guest]

You haven't replyied my posting. I'm serious, I want to meet you and threat you like a piece of meat - no strings attached - I just want to make use of your body.

Flatout: If you're being serious, you're just gross and degrading.

[Guest]

Not everyone views "cheating" the same way. I would not be particularly upset if I found out my wife was cheating - assuming she was being safe. She may have done so - but other than a mild curiosity it just doesn't matter to me.

I know that for some people the thought of a spouse cheating is devistating - but not for everyone.

In my opinion, if your spouse is not meeting your sexual needs, you have a right to look elsewhere. This is not done to "punish" the spouse. I think it is even healthy, otherwise you may come to resent, even hate your spouse for limiting you happiness. How does your sleeping with someone else hurt your spouse?

I know this is an extreme minority opinion.

I know I'm too young for this... but what's the point of getting married to someone if you're just gonna look elsewhere?