[Sazchez]

Hi, I know there a lot of posts on this one, but I really need people's advice. Last night I found out he has been watching porn for months, rather than having sex with me. We had a row, then has great sex. My problem is in the cold light of day, I am really hurting and don't know what to do now. I feel sick, my eyes are a mess from crying. Plus I haven't moved out of my bed. He will be home from work in a few hours, and I don't know how I should be with him. Please any advice? X

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hun, you need to face him to face, like face to face over this.

You had great sex because you I assume, acted in a way he may have wanted you to, in desperation of what you found out.

You need to talk to him as to why he watches it, and what you are missing, he is missing and discuss.

I am so sorry this thread got lost, members remember go to the catagories not just new posts.

Hope you are still with us and can tell us what has since transpired.

CW

[rcoreyus]

My $.02.
Tell him you know about the porn. Let him know that if he feels he wants sex that he go to you first. Then, if you are not interested at that time he can watch porn. I don't think its unreasonable for someone to use porn or other sex aids if their partner isn't available, but that they should never use it INSTEAD of being intimate with their partner.

Of course I don't know anything about the rest of your relationship or sex life, so this could be way off base.

[manners]

I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I've been married for over 10 years now and I started catching my husband passed out drunk with porn on the TV, lap top, and just recently his iphone in our bed, about four years ago after our daughter was born. I get furious about it. He stays up drinking everything night, sometimes he passes out and I will wake up to use the bathroom at 2 or 3 in the morning and I will hear him snoring. So will go around shutting off the lights, tv, set the alarm, etc. And I will catch him. Sometimes it's frozen on the TV, sometimes it's live web cam's of young girls on his lap top, or porn on some website, now it's his iphone. He's 45 years old. I don't think they grow out it. I've confronted him in the act, I've told him how it makes me feel. It doesn't do any good. He turns the table on me and says it's no different than my Romance Novels. I don't like it, I think it's sick, it makes me feel like I'm not enough for him. I'm 35, I keep myself in shape, it's not like I'm over weight or undiserable. He's lazy in bed, he wants to f#$k and I want to make love. I think men are just sick. They're sex craved but they're too lazy to do the work it takes to turn their wives on. I'm laying in bed, and he's in the front room jacking off to porn. Or I fall asleep from a long hard day while putting my daughter down and I wake up in the middle of the night to go to our bed and he's in there snoring with his iphone blasting a porn video. I just feel like cutting his wanker off sometimes. It makes me wonder what he does at work during the day and what goes on when he has to go on a business trip. Sometimes I catch him on the phone talking to female co-workers at midnight and 1 o'clock in the morning. I mean, he will flirt with watresses right in front of me, he may be drunk and thinks I'm not looking, but I see him. And I see the girls reactions. I honestly don't know how you deal with a nasty husband. I've tried everything, I've been calm and tried to reason with him, tried to understand why he does this. I've been upset and hurt and let him know. I've been ticked off and yelling and screaming at him about it. I've let it slide and said nothing. It's just the difference between women and men I guess. It's disrespectful when your a married man. Now unmarried men, ok. Young guys, ok. I can see that. But those freaks are getting paid to act. There is nothing loving or sacred about porn. I've been thinking about getting him some Trantra DVDs for Christmas. Maybe he will learn something and get the effects of porn at the same time. I doubt it, because he's so freakin lazy. But maybe.

[sdmc6969]

I understand what you are trying to say, and it is easy to get a certain view when looking at things from your situation. However, not all men are the same and not all men are addicted to porn. I am a man and yes I will admit that men are visually stimulated myself included. I will also admit that porn is a problem that is more and more out of control because of accessibility with technology. I have told my teenage boys over and over not to allow pornography to give them an unrealistic idea of intimacy and sexuality. Porn for the most part is make believe! Women do not generally act the way you see them in porn. The female body is beautiful and it does not have to be airbrushed and a size 4!
I do not think that you have to put up with being in a relationship like the one you are in. Not all men act that way and his behavior should not be excused. And frankly it doesn't matter what other people on this site think. It's your life, it's your marriage/relationship and you can set your own boundaries. Give him your boundaries regarding this and then don't be afraid to follow through with the consequences.
FYI lots of counselor's feel that addiction to pornography is infidelity in an emotional form. Women experience some of the same emotional and psychological effects as when there is physical infidelity. This makes sense because how many times have we read that sexuality for women has a huge emotional and psychological component to it.

[jns]

Sazchez, what has happened since you posted?

[Alienlenny]

Sounds like you let porn make you feel undesirable and want it to make your husband feel shame. Neither are good. People enjoy orgasims, that is part of why we use vibrators and watch other naked humans. Nobody is having sex outside of your marriage, putting the other at risk for disease. If you want more sex with you husband initiate it. But if he wants to self pleasure with videos of naked women sometimes, even if frequent, do not feel entitled to control, limit, judge what he does with his own body if he is safe about it. Maybe you can incorporate his videos in your sex life so you feel more satisfied and he gets the best of both parts of his sex life. Good luck. This is only a huge problem if you make it one.

[madlionly]

Talk to him about it and tell him how you feel about it and how it makes you feel. trust me when me and my man every first started dating he would watch porn while he was at work or while i was gone from the house and i would found out and tell him how i felted and how it made me feel when he watched it and i asked him why he watches it. So i asked him if we could watch it together and he told he would love to watch it with me and since then we has not watched it without me or he will ask if we can watch it