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New & looking for some input

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  • New & looking for some input

    Sorry this is kind of long.

    A little background - I'm 28, husband (DH) is 33 and ADHD, we've been married for going on 6 years, together for 7, and we have a 1 year old daughter.

    When I met my husband (in October 2005) I was living with an ex-boyfriend, trying to save money to get my own place, and unhappy. I signed a lease at the end of November and moved out on January 1. By April 2006, DH moved in and we were engaged. In September, we lost a baby. By January 2007 we were married. I knew that if I asked him to do something, he would and in a timely manner.

    During this time, I knew DH drank but it was always socially and only once or twice did he go overboard. I knew he had a temper but was able to keep it under control. In the beginning sex was amazing, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. As time went on, it became less and less frequent, like once or twice a month. Looking back there were warning signs all over the place but I didn't listen.

    Fast forward to September 2007 and DH got stupid drunk, I threatened to leave, and he put a HUGE hole in the wall of our apartment. I called a friend of his to come help settle him down. This has happened to varying levels over the last 6 years. He gets ****ed from something at work, comes home, drinks too much, I say the wrong thing at the wrong time and bam = hole in wall or broken bones on him. He has NEVER hit me. The most recent "episode" was in September, I didn't know what to do so I took the baby, packed a bag and went to my mom's for the night.

    The next day(s) he swears he'll stop, cut back, etc. He does for a few weeks but slow starts again. I don't like to be around him when he's like that. He claims the alcohol helps slow his ADHD down to where he can relax and actually rest. He hates doctors with a passion so he won't see one to get some help for his ADHD anymore. When he's on ADHD meds he's better, less prone to these episodes.

    DH also smokes, but refuses to do it the house because the smell and because of our daughter. He smokes in the garage. As a result of un-medicated ADHD and smoking he spends most of his time out there and not inside with us. I feel neglected.

    Lately, I've been feeling more and more anger towards him. Almost resentment and loathing. The man I married is no longer, and the man that has taken his place is not someone I would have chosen for a life-long mate.

    What's been bothering me is:
    1. he makes promises that he doesn't follow through on (our daughter's closet isn't done and he knew in March 2011 that it needed to be done by November 2011, though she arrived in October)
    2. he hardly touches me sexually which is a HUGE issue for me because I'm a very sexual person, I know what I like and don't like and he doesn't seem to care
    3. he always has to "one-up" people when telling stories or commenting on an ache or pain,
    4. he always has to be right
    5. he hardly helps me around the house or with OUR daughter
    6. we have the same discussion 100 times and NOTHING changes

    He won't go to counseling. I've asked, multiple times.

    I'm very seriously considering leaving him, taking our daughter and going to live with my Grandpa until we set things right or a divorce is final. Of course he's said that if I ever divorce him he'll just kill himself because he'd rather be dead than lose everything he's worked hard to get (ie. me, daughter, house).

    I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm running in circles and just making a deeper rut. I've been talking to an ex-lover and it's turning into an emotional affair and we have been talking about see each other the next time he's in town. (He's an ex-lover because he was deployed after 9/11 and being young and dumb we broke it off.) Sometimes I feel bad about it, but other times, like tonight when I had to pour DH into bed because he was so drunk, I don't care. I want to be as selfish as DH has been. I just want to run away with the ex-lover and start over with my daughter. But that's not fair to my daughter and it's not really the mature thing to do.

    I don't know what to do. This is not how I imagined my life at 28 and 6 years into a marriage. What do I do?

  • It is never fun being married to an alcoholic. It sounds like your husband is sick and in denial about his drinking. He also has issues with rage. They say that people become who they really are when they drink. This man sounds like a ticking time bomb. Threatening to leave or divorce him won't change that. If he won't even consider counselling to look at the reasons why he medicates himself with alcohol, there is no hope. You either have to live with him and accept him for who he is, or you have to get out. The amount of time you spend thinking about how to fix him will take away from you living your own full life. It's time to take care of yourself and your daughter. While emotional affair will temporarily boost your self esteem, I would put all relationships with men on the back burner until you sort yourself out first. That might take more than a year. Good luck.


    • You should probably stay elsewhere for a while to see if he will go to several types of counseling, but don't really expect that to work unless he buys into the program.

      I think an underlying issue is you both have type A personalities and that causes a clash when neither will give in. I'm not saying you should give in when he is misbehaving, but there are other times when things need to be compromised.

      What was the significance of your daughter's closet? Was there not enough storage in the house or was it something you wanted that he wouldn't make at your request?

      Was the reason for starting an affair with your ex to get back at him?

      Why reach back 5 years for examples instead of something more recent since he is still doing the same things?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • The significance of the closet is that he promised to have her room, closet and all, done by the 8th month of my pregnancy. Our daughter is now 12 months. A broken promise and change of behavior from when we first met. As it was I was in the hospital on bed rest with pre-eclampsia while my husband was at home frantically trying to paint, finish the floor, assemble furniture, load the room, etc. and it continued into the first few days after she was born via emergency c-section. My expectation, which he and I discussed, was that he would be by my side if anything happened and that the room would be finished before I reached 35 weeks gestation or 8 months. Our daughter was born at 35 weeks 3 days.

        I don't know if I'm type A (I will have to research that a bit more) so much as I expect people to follow through on what they say they will do. Some exceptions are of course allowed, but promising to finish a home repair project then sitting on your duff weekend after weekend after weekend (for months or years) because you are mad is not an acceptable exception in my book. I continued to keep the house clean about 3 weeks after my c-section. It wasn't a deep down cleaning but the laundry and dishes were done, dinner was cooked, the floor vacuumed, etc. I told my husband I would take care of things so long as I was home and physically able to do so and I did despite feeling sore and tired with a preemie who needed extra attention.

        The reason for the affair is not to get back at him but because my ex is fulfilling a need that my husband is not and has not for a long time. I didn't reach out to ex, he reached out to me. At first I refused to become involved more than catching up on life since we last spoke in 2005 around the time I met my husband but as things progressed with broken promises from my husband and his most recent episode I found myself feeling drawn to the ex. Maybe it is confusion regarding my husband and our life, maybe the ex is taking advantage of a vulnerable situation but right now it's what I need, emotionally anyway.

        I reached 5 years back to show pattern of behavior. Had these episodes only happened once or twice over 6 years, things may be different but they have continued at an average of one a year. The latest, in September, resulted in almost all of the drywall coming down from the garage ceiling, broken Christmass ornaments that I have had since I was a baby, a sticky mess in the kitchen, broken tile, broken glass, a hole in our bedroom wall, a broken computer and printer, and our bedroom door may need to be replaced. We also had to replace another cell phone, I think this is the 4th in 6 years we've replaced due to him breaking them or smashing them with a hammer.
        Last edited by WWYD; 11-03-2012, 10:43 AM. Reason: additional information


        • You say he had NEVER hit you, which is good, but his abusive behavior is alarming. If I'm reading what you have written correctly, it started out with drinking a beer or two, but now it is much more. He is also using his ADHD as an excuse to justify his actions. He would rather spend time in the garage so that he can smoke and drink as opposed to spending time inside with you and his child. I think that leaving might make him re-examine the choices he is making and perhaps open his eyes and perception to seeing a doctor and/or counselor.

          I also think that getting involved with an ex is clouding your view of your husband. You feel neglected by your SO, and an ex is there to lean on, making you think that you made a bad decision in your past and now you are having regrets, which sometimes leads to having an affair. Before getting involved in another relationship, you may want to see if your husband 'returns' to the man you married if he seeks help. I realize that you say he doesn't want to, but you have never really set an ultimatum for him to get help or you are leaving for good.

          You can't make him change, but you can encourage him to seek help so that he wants to change. If he is unwilling to try, then I personally think the marriage will never stand the test of time regardless. If he cares about you and doesn't want to lose everything he has worked for (you, the house, a child) then he should be willing to try counseling. Sometimes people make idle threats about killing themselves as a way of 'trapping' you. If he is unstable enough to kill himself, with the pattern of physical violence that he has displayed amongst your house, he may be unstable enough to hurt you, the baby and the man who 'stole' you away from him. You should be VERY CAREFUL. He needs help and you need to look before you leap (into the arms of another man).


          • WWYD,

            Along with ADHD and alcoholism, it sounds like some depression. Don't run off to another man until this gets resolved. It does sound like your level of competence, planning, accountability and hard work ethic (possibly type A personality) was not a great fit for someone with ADHD who has trouble staying on task (or remembering the task). What was it that attracted you to him in the first place? Fun, relaxed, unstructured, spontaneous... Did that distract or cause you to overlook his faults?

            Every couple divides the duties at some level. For example, in your case, you might be the planner and he is the fun & spontaneity. Over time, for you, that can morph into the responsible one (you) and the irresponsible one (him). And your frustration and anger smother out his spontaneity and fun (sex). In his eyes, you become the dominating, critical mother (who wants to have sex with her) and he feels like the boy who can't do anything right (depressed).

            The stress of a child brings out the extremes in couples. Is it fair to say you became more structured and dominating while he became more distracted and forgetful?

            Does this fit?


            • I just want to add because the advise you have been given from the community is great.

              You have listed a bunch of things and then at the end, "emotional affair", wanting to take it further, believing it will be better, it already is right.

              The list you have is going to get longer, you are looking at justification as you have spent too long as it is, going around in circles and not "living".

              I'm all for marriage and giving it all that you have but when you reach the point that you have distaste in your mouth you feel used, neglected, there is no love, in a sexless marriage and he refuses to see what he has and what he will lose and will not change, he was never going to.

              This is your life.. Do not have an affair. Walk with dignity.. Find yourself, and then do what ever you want.

              As hard as it is, it could be a rebound and end up just as bad, over yet with you having feelings... And, even more confused as to what you deserve in life.

              Think about it.
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


              • I was attracted to the mystery surrounding him. (Now I know what that mystery was/is, or at least have a better idea of it.) He was funny, protective (we had a boss that was really critical of me and he stepped in a told him to back off, among other things), and handsome. I wouldn't say that it caused me to overlook his faults because when we were dating he'd have 1 mixed drink maybe 2. Maybe once he had more than he should have but I had no clue how much he was drinking. He hid it from me.

                I would say that having our daughter isn't what made me more structured. It was when I started working for my Grandpa at his church. My Grandpa is very detail oriented, structured and likes deadlines but stresses if they are overlooked/missed. He's almost OCD about things that way. Since he trained me in that job, and I worked it for almost 4 years at that location and now at another church, it's a huge part of my life. It's often said that I am my Grandfather's Granddaughter. When it comes to our daughter I am structured but mostly about wake-up and bedtime because she was having problems sleeping through the night after 7 months of doing it and me losing so much sleep that I started to become a hazard to those around me. The rest of her schedule is loosey-goosey.

                He hasn't changed since our daughter arrived, good or bad.


                • I've cut back on how much I'm talking to the ex because something he said didn't sit well with me and I know it's not the answer to the trouble in my marriage. He and I haven't talked since Monday.

                  Since my original post, I have decided to leave my husband. I have a plan in place and I'll be talking with a lawyer. At this time, reconciliation does not look like an option. I have a number of friends and family who are willing to help me in whatever way they can, including one couple who have offered me another part-time job to help my finances until everything is sorted out.


                  • WWYD,

                    In my opinion, you were 21, went for the Knight in shining armour, or so at the time you thought. At 24, you looked up to a different man, your Grandfather and I believe honestly, he has changed your thought pattern in a better way, you seem very grounded, strong and know who you are to a degree..

                    I recall changing dramatically at 21 and again at 25 and they do say we do that, every few years, with all the new knowledge we learn, we again change.. I can say at my age, whilst I am the same person, I am wiser, calmer and very astute to what is around me.

                    You've outgrown what was. Glad you are not looking for the rebound and I can only imagine what your ex, suggested, stated .... Men are men, at the end of the day and dreams are dreams for the most part unless they can turn them into reality for how ever long that lasts, a day, a month, a year, but usually not a lifetime.

                    Best wishes.
                    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                    • Update -

                      We are going to try to reconcile. My leaving really opened my husband's eyes to how crappy things have been. I've had very little contact with my ex and am mourning the loss of that relationship again. I was really depending on him to fill the gaps my husband wasn't and now with out either one of them as readily available as I'm used to (even in just the physical sense) I'm completely depressed and feel abandoned.

                      I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear for a long time or forever but someone has to care for our daughter.

                      DH and I have an appointment with a marriage counselor this week, and a date scheduled for this week too. I had planned to move home but now I'm wondering if I shouldn't stay away longer to get my head on straight. I just hope the counseling can help set us on the right path whatever it may be, since there are a lot of problems in our marriage, both emotionally and physically.


                      • Excellent. For the sake of your child, give it your best shot. See what the counselor suggests about where to live.

                        Good luck



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