[Sadbutstrong]

This is the first time I have ever posted on a forum but would love some advice from other people who understand how I'm feeling.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years together for 14. I had a 3 year old when we got together who he embraced as his own daughter. We also have an 8 year old together.
We have always had a very close marriage preferring to do things together as a couple or family and have always been affectionate.
My husband has always been highly strung with a temper and quick to fly off the handle in stress situations, this is made worse by the fact he does drink too muck and has been prone to depression in the past. I am the one to remain calm generally. 12 months ago he started his own business so has been very absorbed in this. He asked me to join working with him as he needed help and he knew I was unhappy in my job. This also gave me the opportunity to spend more time with my dad who had a stroke.
The last 12 months has not been good in the relationship with a lot of resentment and arguments. We have kept trying to sort things but to no luck. We'd have good days and bad ones.
Around Halloween time I noticed he was spending more time on his phone texting and eventually confronted him as to what was going off. At first he denied anything but eventually when I asked him not to lie he told me he had been chatting with a woman from the gym for the last month.
When I asked the nature he said it was nothing but eventually changed it to flirting.
He admitted to having feelings for her but that nothing else had happened which I believe.
I went to my dads overnight to think and we agreed to meet the following day to discuss things.
After a heart to heart we decided we wanted to make the marriage work. I asked if he had anything he wanted to tell me and he said no.
The following day he went to the gym to tell her he could no longer carry on texting and while he was out I checked his pockets and found receipts to show he had met her before me and gone for a couple of drinks with her.
When he returned I confronted him and he went into panic mode when I told him to leave. It turns out when I left he met her to discuss if they had a future together as he didn't think I was coming back!! He admits he was confused!!
I accepted his apology and we tried again. After that I just couldn't trust anything he said and he still continued to go to the gym most mornings even though I asked him not to. He said I would have to trust him and said I doubt him every time he went out of the house. Which I did. Arguments became more and then he just seemed to completely detach.
It finally came to a head on the 22nd of November after a huge row. He said he hadn't been happy for 2 years, then that changed to 1. He felt he couldn't do anything right for me and didn't believe we could solve our problems. I asked him to try and suggested we seek help.
I said if we both loved each other we should be able to sort our problems. He just said but I still have feelings for the OW.
At that point I asked him to go, which he was going to do anyway. He is now staying with his mum.
He is paying the bills at the moment as obviously I don't have a job and has said he would like me and my daughters to stay in the house. He comes and sees the youngest but has nothing to do with my eldest as she is disgusted with him. It's as though he wants nothing to do with us.
He said if he did come back he would just make my life hell and that he would never have left if he was going to come back.
I have gone out of my way to not contact him and am trying really hard to get over him but I'm really struggling.
To go from seeing him everyday to nothing and loosing my best friend is soul destroying. I can't eat or sleep very well and am trying to put a brave face on.
Part of me wishes he would return and say he's made a terrible mistake, but it just doesn't look like this is going to happen. He said he can't stay at him mums forever and is going to get an apartment. I asked him if he wanted me to push ahead with a divorce and he said he didn't know. He seemed confused but very cold towards me.
Everybody is stunned by his actions. The OW is older than him with 4 children and divorced twice.
Now Christmas is approaching I'm just dreading it.
Please any words of wisdom would be gratefully received.
Thank you

[Harmony]

Whilst the timing is terrible as we're rapidly approaching Xmas, I really, really, think you're better off without this A-hole.

Do you have any family and friends whom you can go to for support and company?

[Sadbutstrong]

I have my dad who had his stroke 12 months ago, I don't like to say too much to him so as to not make him ill. My eldest daughter has been fantastic and I do have a couple of close friends who are amazing.
I just feel lost and very vulnerable. He is taking my daughter to London tomorrow to see a show. This was booked for us all to go to. We also had so many plans made. Next years holiday is booked. He has no idea of the pain he's caused and if he does he doesn't care.
I am the first to admit things were not great, but I didn't choose to seek comfort in the arms of the first guy who passed me his number.

[Harmony]

If this man doesn't appreciate you, and cannot at least temper his anger issues and drinking for the benefit of his family i.e. you and your two daughters, then this could be a blessing in disguise. Try and look at this as an opportunity in disguise, the opportunity to start over again with someone who appreciates you for you. You shouldn't be having to tip-toe around him in case you inadvertently irritate him, triggering one of his vitriolic temper tantrums. Your daughter is young and impressionable, that environment is detrimental to her too.

Right now you're alone and by your own admission, unhappy. Soon, you'll be alone, stronger and ready to find Mr. Right. If he hadn't left you'd have likely remained at best 'not unhappy' and in a (at best) volatile relationship which showed little sign of improvement.

I would try and keep busy, writing on here will provide a valuable cathartic release and allow you to share your thoughts and receive valuable support. I am sorry to hear of this situation, please be brave and hold tight, things will improve with time.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The fact this OW is 4 years older is meaningless, 4 children though in my opinion coupled with his own (2), at some point and time when she asks him, to help pay for her children, I think you will find, he will think no way.

The attraction is "animal" not "love" I think where he is concerned and you are right, he should not have run into someone's arms and had an emotional affair whilst married to you and now, a physical relationship as if, it's ok, I didn't sleep with her until after I left, if that be the case.

I feel for you. Keep your chin up it's Christmas. Your kids need you at this time and you need them.

I would honestly almost bet between now and 12 months he is going to think what the did I do and walk from this woman.

Be strong and don't contact him, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing your hurt, there will be a time that he will wish he didn't do this...

Be around family, friends, your children. I think that, that time will come up and you would have found your way, strength, new job and all sorts of things and realised that you are worth every bit of a real woman that you are and tell him, at that time, you've moved on.

[Sadbutstrong]

Thank you both for your wonderful comments . Today has been particularly hard as he has taken our youngest to London. I saw her out of the door and never looked at him. He just told me they would be back at 5.30 tomorrow . I said that was ok and never showed how upset I was.
I know deep down his mind is set to never come home and it is terribly hard dealing with that realisation.
I'm sure he is aware of the pain he has caused and he would never be able to man up and make apologies to everyone he's upset. At this stage it's obviously not something he wants, if ever.
I go from periods of being strong and confident to completely demoralised.
I just wish I could get a hold of my emotions.

[Interestedin]

Finding Strength

Nearly everything you have said, focuses on him, what he has done, and your reactions. This seems to suggest that you have allowed him the power to decide your future - he gets to decide whether to return to the marraige or not.

I suggest that you spend some time focusing on yourself, and face this situation with a little more self-empowered authority - be clear with yourself, who you want to be (for yourself and your kids), and what your choices are, independentof his actions.

Even if he were to ask to return, would you want him? If so, what are the things that you can and connot live with? (trust sounds like a big issue).

If you do go forward in life without him, how do you want to live? (you are a strong woman and you get to decide this).

I think that when you do this (and I fully admit that what I suggest it is far easier to say than to do), you will find more power to shape your future.

Good luck.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm sure he is aware of the pain he has caused and he would never be able to man up and make apologies to everyone he's upset

Show him the oposite, the exact oposite.. Go to that door, smile, say "hi, what time are you dropping .........off tomorrow" " 5.30pm, ok, that should fit in ok with my plans for the evening, have a good time, looking down at your daughter" and close the door.

It's time that you took the power back.....

And, it's time to make him start guessing about you... Start the gym, or go for walks, go buy yourself a dress, colour your hair, remember who you were before you met him.. You will not believe how quickly you will if you start thinking about you, positive it's like riding a bike and watch his reaction as he sees the changes ...

This man is about to find out what he lost.

Sometimes, we get stuck in a rut in our marriages and solice is seeked outside. A person gets confused as they want the laughter, fun, sexuality and think that the grass is greener.

Funny, that grass starts to get stale one day and what was occuring in your life, then starts occuring again, as women start demanding more time etc

The bottom line is you have nothing to lose by doing these things, he will either realise what he lost and then you can both work out how to go back to girlfriend and boyfriend stages, forgive, and keep it that way, or you will love yourself more, be stronger, feel good and find a lot of guys like you and you can walk tall, making your own decisions in life ..

And, have that hot bubble bath with a glass of champagne, then paint your nails.

[Sadbutstrong]

Doing a bit better last couple of days. I have tried to take on board your tips and have found a good website called "get past your break up".
I can't waste anymore time on him as it driving me crazy!
I've already seen a solicitor and am going to file for divorce in the New Year.
It's a month now since he left so it like you lovely ladies said. Time to take the control back.

[Sadbutstrong]

I'm quite sure no astrologer can help our situation Priya23.

I can honestly say I'm glad Christmas is over this year.
I managed to maintain no contact until Xmas eve when my husband had been texting our daughter to try and organise Boxing Day arrangements.
After discussing with my older daughter I decided this was unacceptable.
I called him and he never answered.
He called back and I said I'm calling to talk about access. I said I didn't think it was fair using our daughter as a mediator and that arrangements should be made through me.
He said he had been texting me(lies) and that I hadn't replied. He had also promised to let me know what he was getting our daughter so we didn't duplicate buy. He never did.
I said I had not received them so he changed the story to he must have sent them to my old phone.
We arranged Boxing Day arrangements and then he asked why I had sent a letter about our business.
My husband is self employed and has removed me a co-director without my consent. My solicitor suggested I send a letter first and try and get him to re-instate me.
He said I wanted out and that if I continued he would liquidate the company.
I said my solicitor said this was not the case.
He replied if we went down the legal route he would have less money to support our daughter. He gives me nothing at the moment, which I told him,though he is paying for the joint mortgage and other bills. I said he had a responsibility to do this until I can get a job. I told him I didn't want to discuss this and only called about Boxing Day.
At this point my older daughter took the phone and said how dare he speak to me this way as he was saying things like I would be sorry if I did this.
She asked him did he have any idea of the devastation he had caused and that he had destroyed our family. He replied with "what have I done wrong?"
Statement of the year!
She told him how she may have to come home from Uni as we can no longer afford her accommodation fees and he said its because "you can't be bothered ".
She then told him how upset our youngest is that he wouldn't be there xmas day.
He hung up on her.
I called him back as I wanted to give him a piece of my mind at how cold he's been towards her.
I got a text back from him saying we have sorted Boxing Day there is nothing else to talk about. Anything about the business leave legal.
I never replied.
Later that evening he text my daughter asking for some CDs back that my brother in law had let her borrow.
She never replied but let her sister take them Boxing Day. He took our youngest Boxing Day and brought her back on time. I just let her out and shut the door on him.
It is so sad that it has all come to this. I would never have believed this could happen to our family.
I have had visits from his family who all can't believe it. His sister believes he has turned into his dad. He ran away with his mums best friend. That's what makes it so difficult to believe. He hated that about his childhood and now he has done the same to his family.
I know he is still texting this woman as our youngest has told me. He has no discretion or integrity anymore. She also told me she had asked her daddy to come home when they went to London. He told her he couldn't as we would just argue.
It still hurts like hell how he has cut me and my eldest dead, I know this is because of his 'loyalty' to the other woman.
I still have so much to sort out. He still has things here which I've packed up but he hasn't taken yet and he hasn't redirected his mail.
I'm planning to see the solicitor in January and to tell her to send the divorce papers, even though it breaks my heart.
I guess I'm just struggling on but I'm hopeful I will come through it.