[CHANDLERS WISH]

You are struggling with the person you "thought" you met..

The way a person acts when things are tough is the reality of their core being and look at you ?

Your husband, has already worked out or decided (which means to me, he resents women), what he will do if you go for any financials.. He will liquidate his Company, he's wiped you off though I don't believe he can do that, as a Director so he's not intending on paying anything...

This is sad, as this is a selfish act.. Sure some women go for broke, when their heart is broken, but a real man faces up to his mistakes and ensures that his children and his wife, are "ok"... because you can't have your cake and eat it.

I think you will find that you will find peace over this over time.

Keep being strong .

[Sadbutstrong]

Thanks for the words of wisdom.
It's very much appreciated.
It's been 5 weeks now and still it just doesn't seem real. I know I'm starting to come to terms with being alone, but the pain he's caused is still with me.
I just wondered if people have any advice regarding when they knew it was the right time to divorce. Everything is ready to go but I'm not sure if 5 weeks is too soon to rush into it.
I'm backed into a corner too as I can get legal aid at the moment but this is being withdrawn in April for divorces.
Some of my friends are telling me not to rush things but I'm so confused.

[Harmony]

I know you have personal problems right now but the situation could soon be exacerbated if your husband is running up debts which ruin BOTH of your credit ratings. I feel like I'm betraying men here by telling you the following but you seem sincere so I'm keen to help. YOU actually have a lot more power than him.

Firstly, your husband CANNOT remove you from a LTD company (an LLC for our US friends) without you SIGNING a letter and RESIGNING as a director unless he has more shares than you, a 59/41% in his favor will do it, I'm also guessing there is no shareholders' agreement? You need to be VOTED out or RESIGN. It is an official process as far as the law is concerned.

IF you are equal shareholders and he has just notified companies house this is tantamount to fraud, since you have not signed anything resigning as a director. Telling companies house lies does not make them become facts. I'm guessing he has just gone onto their website and notified them of your resignation?

It also takes 3 months to dissolve a company, it can't just be done overnight, there are also associated closing costs like accountancy fees etc, it isn't that simple, I know because I'v done it myself.

IMPORTANT: One thing you REALLY need to be aware of is that if you are, or where, a signatory on the company account then despite being a director or not you could still be liable for any debts he runs up, so be aware. It's more important that you get yourself removed from that bank account than as a director. It's the shareholders who have the power, not the directors—the directors generally work for the shareholders.

Also, if your husband is earning half decent money from this company he is likely NOT entitled to legal aid, whereas you probably are UNLESS you have been being paid wages from the company (which for tax reasons you may have) if you are and he isn't he's either facing a VERY expensive legal battle (which will be free for you) or needs to resolve this amicably.

If you google 'board room resolve' there is a company based in Liverpool run by a very nice solicitor called Mr. Ross who will be happy to have give you ten minutes of free advice re the company situation. Before you phone him make sure you have a copy of the company's memorandum of articles of association.
He'll need to know how the shares have been distributed and if there is a shareholders' agreement. You also need to contact the bank and look at the company (find the company on the companies house website and click 'purchase information on this company' the history of director appointments/resignations and share allocations will come up). Mr. Ross will likely need this information. IT IS ALSO CRITICAL you make sure you're not still liable for any company debts.

So in short: 1) establish facts re company; 2) establish facts re bank and remove yourself ASAP, if you bank with Barclays they're USELESS, use the telephone banking and ask to speak to a member of the MANDATE team, they are the people who remove you, DO NOT go into any branch, they are USELESS; 3) armed with the facts, call MR. ROSS (AKA the 'Resolver') and politely ask him where you stand and what the options are, he specializes in mediation (which is easier than court for everyone) so will likely recommend that route.

Good luck x

[Sadbutstrong]

You are correct Harmony and thanks for the advice. He has just gone on companies house and notified them. I was a 50% shareholder and have not signed anything to resign.
At the moment I am not taking a wage. My solicitor suggested not rocking the boat as he is covering all the bills which amounts to more than child maintenance.
He took everything relating to the business when he moved out so I don't have proof of anything. He has also taken anything relating to his previous company pensions. I know I'm entitled to an amount from those too. I don't think I'm down as a signatory but couldn't be totally sure.
I do however have copies of his bank statements showing monthly income and also an email showing book keeping from 2012/2013 showing the companies income.
Also I have other emails from him asking for my opinion on certain matters which shows I was a functioning part of the business.
I'm sure the reason he got so nasty is because he knows he's backed into a corner and while its costing him money he can't move from his mums.
For me knowing what the business is making is a crucial part of determining child support. My eldest daughters father(different to current) did exactly the same. He was self employed and amazingly all his money disappeared! He never paid a penny over 17 years!
I know how to pick em don't I? Only had 2 serious relationships, lots of boyfriend but the 2 I trusted, this one in particular enough to marry him has done this. And it's only taken him 14 years to show his colours.
I don't think I'll ever believe a word that comes out of another mans mouth. Ever.
And that is so sad.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yes you will

How do you know when is the right time to Divorce? When you realise that you have had enough, put up with enough, were not treated like a woman loved, rather there as a wife. When, the love turns to nothing, other than the memories and even then you start questioning. When you know if he was in your bed, you would not want to touch him.

There would be records, you can't register a business without the Directors signatures. His Accountant can not falsify documentation of previous years as they are sent to the Taxation Department or equivelant of each year..

Time to play detective

[Harmony]

I wont mention anything about the relationship issues since CW has already beat me to the punch x

As his wife half of the business is yours anyway regardless of share allocation etc. You've probably been signing things as a shareholder.

If what he is paying is MORE than what maintenance and child support would be perhaps listen to the solicitor's advice and quit (at least temporarily) while you're ahead. The Law heavily favors the woman and for him (the solicitor) to advise you not to rock the bot must mean your ex is at least not being TOTALLY unreasonable.

You also need to establish whether or not (**and you really could be) you've been out down as an employee and were being paid a wage so your husband's income tax was diluted. If you were this could determine whether or not you're entitled to legal aid or not.
Fortunately it EASY to see EXACTLY how much your husband is earning :-) Either contact the accountant and ask for copies of the pay slips etc, (you should be contacting the bank anyway) OR follow my instructions for companies house and order (anyone can access this, its public information) copies of the company's accounts.

Depending on how vindictive your husband is just bare in mind that if push came to shove he could quite easily start trading through another limited company registered under a third party, like his mother. I know you're feeling hurt and betrayed right now but if he's paying the bills and keeping a roof over you head he's a least doing something, which is better than nothing.

The worst thing you could threaten him with or actually DO is report him to the inland revenue for 'suspicion' of false accounting or something. This however is a pretty nasty thing to do and could also land YOU in trouble since you were a director and could even result in the house being lost or prompt him to retaliate in some kind of nasty way.

I know you're hurting right now but what you really need to try and do is look at this as objectively as you can, asking yourself whether or not you're reacting to his actions regarding finances rationally or emotionally. If he's trying to be reasonable by paying the bills and you start making unreasonable and outlandish demands you COULD get more, or you COULD end up with nothing. The law does heavily favor the woman in these situations, which is why so many men just go bankrupt or stop working. There's no machinery in place which can prevent either extreme.

The best way this can be resolved is amicably. Have a look at the companies house accounts and then take them to a solicitor, or maybe an accountant first since they don't make much sense to 'lay-people' and see what the lay of the land is.

Internecine fighting needs to be minimized, or avoided at best, i could result in the house being lost, the business being dissolved and an inordinate amount of anguish on both of your behalves, not to mention the negative impact on the children.

Good luck x

[Sadbutstrong]

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Chandlers wish and Harmony for the support you have given and wish you both a very Happy New Year.
All your advice has been very much appreciated and it has helped when I've been at some of my lowest points.
This Christmas and New Year has been a living nightmare. The worst I've endured and that is saying a lot after losing my mum to cancer.
I feel utterly broken by the man I love.
Is there a way back? There has to be. a way forward surely because I can't get any lower than where I'm at.
At least all of us who are having relationship problems have made it through the last week. We did it!
Lets hope we all get the New year we deserve!
Best wishes to you all x.

[Harmony]

I think the pain of betrayal is actual hurting you more than the fact your relationship has broken up and you are no longer 'with' this man. If you try and view things that way you may find comfort in the fact that you probably weren't meant to be together, and so in a strange way are actually better off, although it doesn't seem that way.

Didn't JK Rowling say rock bottom is the most stable foundation upon which you can rebuild your life? And she has more money than the queen of England, all for writing books which were in my opinion based upon the stories in books called 'the worst witch', I don't believe she made them up, but that's another story.

Maybe you should try and keep a diary? Update daily on here, the cathartic release from writing will help, I promise, and we can give you feedback and support. You never know, you could be the next JK Rowling, and if you're not you've still lost nothing x

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Happy New Year to you to SBS.. You do know that's short for your name as well as a TV chanel? Maybe Harmony is right, you'll write a book x

If it helps, this Christmas and New Year has been my worse as well, first breaking a rib, then losing a beautiful pet Rabbit that was like a cat, free to run around and live and then my nightmare, my 17 year old Pomeranian who kept walking into corners and stressing, did exactly that when I was not home and passed away in my arms, though from her breathing and what I have googled, there were other conditions she had that went with it, not just stressing.. But, off course this being only a day old is hard for me as well to get over and through but I will and so will you.

2013 now belongs to you.................. 2012 is gone..

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Chandlers wish and Harmony for the support you have given and wish you both a very Happy New Year.
All your advice has been very much appreciated and it has helped when I've been at some of my lowest points.
This Christmas and New Year has been a living nightmare. The worst I've endured and that is saying a lot after losing my mum to cancer.
I feel utterly broken by the man I love.
Is there a way back? There has to be. a way forward surely because I can't get any lower than where I'm at.
At least all of us who are having relationship problems have made it through the last week. We did it!
Lets hope we all get the New year we deserve!
Best wishes to you all x.

[Sadbutstrong]

Harmony if I'm a couple of £'s behind J.K. Rowling I'd be very happy!
CW I'm so sorry to here you've had a bad Xmas. The loss of a pet(family member in my eyes) is heartbreaking too. People say "oh they are like one of the family".
No they are not 'like' one of the family. They ARE one of the family.
Animals sure as hell don't have the capacity to deliberately hurt like humans do.
I always console myself with the thought that we have given all our pets the best possible life they could have had while they were with us. I'm sure yours also had the best.

I've being doing a lot of reading over Xmas about different types of affairs and have come to the conclusion my husbands may have been an exit affair.
I do think he's been unhappy and this OW was the final push maybe he needed. Someone else to grasp onto before leaving me.
Anyway I just wondered what your thoughts on exit affairs are? There is not much reading out there about them except the decision is already made to leave the marriage and a prolonged deceitful affair is not really the goal here. All this smacks of someone who isn't prepared to make a decision but instead leaves it up to the betrayed to make the choice for them. Maybe this is why when I asked if he wanted a divorce he said he didn't know. It's not going to make any difference I know. What is done is done.
I'm not prepared to be in a state of limbo for months/years living in hope of a reconciliation.
I've got an appointment with solicitor next week to push ahead with the divorce and sort out business things. I've made the decision to make it about me now and also make his mind up for him too.
Maybe he doesn't want the divorce now like he indicated, but I don't want to be in this sort of a 'marriage' any longer.
Anyway something made me laugh tonight.
My daughter has come back from shopping and visiting a museum with her dad. While they were shopping he bought some PJ's for himself.
He never wore them while he was at home, only boxers.
My daughter asked him why he'd bought them and he said "it's because it's cold at Grandma's". (It is and it's where he is staying).
I just thought to myself he better get used to em because when it goes ti**s up with the OW he's gonna get some wear out of em!
I try to enjoy the small victories xx