[DreamP346]

Chaya, in all your posts that I have read, I see a constant theme. You are trying to work it out, make a change, find a solution, please your husband, etc. I also hear things like my husband does not believe in foreplay, he won't touch me down there, he doesn't masturbate. Do you see a theme of you always trying but him never really changing anything.

Sexual, health, emotional problems in a marriage is common. How we deal with them says a lot about the relationship. You cannot make a one sided relationship work. And you not standing up for yourself makes you an enabler of your husband's behavior. From everything you have said about him, I don't think he is a bad man. But if you list all the things he has done, he sounds like a terrible human being. Here are some of the stuff you have listed before. Look at them not as the wife of the man who does this stuff, but just read them and ask yourself if a good person would really do this stuff:

- Does not help with raising your child
- Knows that you do not get wet and sex is painful, but continues to demand sex without making any effort to arouse you
- Demands sex from you ever when your physician told you there was a problem and not to have sex
- Has rough drunk sex to the point of causing his partner to bleed
- Drinks so much and throws up in bed (unless you are an adolescent college student or an alcoholic, an adult should have the decency to control their drinking)
- After sex, lets his partner sit in the other room crying and does nothing to comfort her

There is nothing wrong with following traditional values of marriage and family. I applaud anybody who can do it in this modern age. It is a wonderful environment to raise children in. However, that does not mean your husband can do as he pleases. That is not traditional values. That is just selfishness. Traditional values also means that the husband will protect and ensure the happiness and safety of his family. A man who is so rough and callous during sex that it physicially causes his partner to bleed is not something who is following traditional family values. That gives traditional family values a bad name. The fact he just fell asleep/passed out on top of you is so disrespectful. Any caring man would be so ashamed of what he did, I doubt he would be able to have another drink in a really long time.

Its time you stand up for yourself and the traditional family. Don't let your husband take advantage of your desire to follow traditional family values and don't let him give all the men out there who do follow traditional family values a bad name. Next time he comes home drunk, he sleeps in the guest room. Not you. Next time he wants to have sex, he spends adequet time in forplay arousing you. Next time he refers to himself as a father, pass the baby along for a diaper change. Part of being a traditional wife if being the conscious of the family. Please don't enable his bad behavior. Don't let him become a selfish and uncaring person. Help him to be the good man that he was when you met him. If you read old books or watch old movies, you will always notice how the wife tries to control a husband bad behaviors. Because the idea is that the wife/mother keep the family on the right path. Its not just about doing whatever the husband asks for.

[Harmony]

I agree, even if a man and woman embrace traditional values, why would the man want to behave in a manner which is obviously detrimental to his family unit as a whole and clearly making his wife unhappy? Traditional/modern/new age, whichever doctrine you subscribe to should equate to you both being HAPPY.

Chaya, I get the impression from your posts that apart from being a very, very decent and loving person, you are also very meek and timid. This is not a bad thing in and of itself other than that it appears your kind nature is now being taken advantage of. The baby is your and your husbands, he needs to do at least some of the work in raising it, even if it's just to give you a break. Your body is YOURS, you do not owe him sex, ever. Sex is something the two of you share: sharing implies mutuality, mutuality means it should be mutually pleasurable, or at the very least bearable (we've all gone through the motions for our partners sakes before at least once) and NEVER painful.

As a man I wouldn't even want to have sex with a woman if I knew it would hurt her. Listen to SP, you need to gibe him a kick up the back side. As a woman, (whilst I do not advocate game playing you have a legitimate reason: pain) the first thing you should do if he's not making you happy is start withholding sex from him. Sex, like happiness, is, in a relationship something you share too: no fun, no 'us' and no 'we' as far as the happiness goes then no sex.

I was sick in my bed once when I was 19, this guy is an adult man: as a husband and father he needs to pull his socks up.

[rcoreyus]

I agree with what Harmony said, but I don't think "withholding" sex is quite the way to put it. Sex is something that should be mutually enjoyable, (except possibly for doing the occasional sexual "favor" for someone you love), and it its not then things need to change. You have got to talk to your husband, let him know what you would enjoy. If he love you, he will want to please you as well.

[chaya]

I want to thank everyone that responded to this thread. These responses have showed me just how different I am from a typical American wife. Maybe you are right that my husband is taking advantage of me by your standards, this is not the case but not by mine. I made a commitment when I married him and I must meet it in my own way or I wouldn't be able to live myself.

I hope everyone understands that Misako is not our biological child, she is my young sisters baby. She made a mistake and was going to give the baby up for adoption. My older sister and mom came up with the plan for me to adopt the baby because I can not have children of my own. Me and my husband talked this over and together we decided to adopt her. Right now, I am Misako's legal guardian. Later me and my husband will be her adopted parents. During the last week, hubby has been helping more with her care. He can now fix her formula and feed her and even changed her diaper, once. He needs more practice before I'll let him do that alone.

About sex, he never "demands" sex. I know him and can tell when he wants/needs sex. He knows I must use lube. When the sex starts to hurt, I never tell him, I don't want to spoil it for him. He only knows what I tell him. I did told him about the bleeding but not about him passing out on top of me or throwing up in bed. He did find out because the dirty bedding was in the hamper and he promised it would never happen again. He hasn't taken a drink since that night. On New Years ever, he went to a party with his peers, he was home by 10:30 and hadn't been drinking. He made a fire in the fireplace and we watched New Year on TV together.

I believe I should take life's ups and downs without complaint but sometimes I get so down I can't help it. Because so many have offered advice makes me feel good that so many people care.

[jns]

Its great that he is becoming more involved with baby Misako. It also sounds like he may be changing a bit for the better. Best wishes.

[mistril]

Oh my goodness. I'm sorry I haven't read other responses. But to me, the answer to this problem would be divorce. Sorry. WAY to one-sided to call a marriage, by my standards. I'm sorry honey, I know that is really not the answer that you are looking for, but I wanted you to have my perspective. I hope you can find a better solution than that!

[mahimahi]

"I never refuse him because I consider sex as one of my duties as his wife". that is scary language to me sweetheart! you should be having sex on your terms, when you want to. don't do it out of some feminine obligation to your man