[Minnie11]

If after the A the H agrees to sending a no contact letter to the xAP, how do I know he's not just appeasing me and won't contact her again behind my back? I am paranoid I might be taken advantage of. I know sending a letter like that would embarrass him and in order to save face he might call and warn her, telling her he's only doing it because I demanded it. I told him that if that's not what he WANTS to do on his own accord, he just shouldn't do it. Then this is his final decision. It will end in a divorce. Staying with me for the kids and finances and telling HER that this is what he has to do but not what he wants to do would hurt me even more. Since she's also married, it's very likely that he isn't ready to leave me, because there's no safety net for him, so he'll do stuff for me that looks good on the outside, but isn't genuine. If he does send the letter, and still keeps in touch with her, how do I find out? He's not stupid enough to use his cell. He knows about key loggers and gps, so for me it would be hard to find out the truth, but it would be such a relief to know that this is the decision I have to make. On the other hand, if he is honest, I don't want to make the mistake of breaking up the family.

[Ashlee T.]

If after the A the H agrees to sending a no contact letter to the xAP, how do I know he's not just appeasing me and won't contact her again behind my back?

Forgive my ignorance, but I'm lost here. What exactly are you referring to? It sounds like you're talking about your husband and a mistress, but I'm not sure. Please clarify...as I'm not familiar with the acronyms.

[Minnie11]

How do I find out if he maintains nc?

Oh I'm sorry. I've read those abbreviations on here before. A=affair, H=husband, xAP=ex affair partner

[Ashlee T.]

Gotcha. Well, this sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you AND for him. I admire you for not wanting to break up your family, but your husband broke up your family when he had the affair. The appearance that your family isn't broken up at this point is merely that, an appearance. In your heart, you know you do not trust him and rightfully so.

I am not sure I agree with a "no contact" letter. I think such a thing just opens the door for more communication. If the affair has ended, why does he need to contact her, to tell her he's not going to contact her again?

I'm not a proponent of trying to save a marriage that has been broken by adultery. Mainly because it seems that both people end up living unhappy lives. He won't be able to cough twice without you thinking he's cheating. And you won't be able to live your life feeling the peace and comfort of trusting a loyal loving partner. That's no kind of life for you, or him, or the kids.

How will you know if he maintains no contact? You won't, unless you intend to spend your life playing detective and watching your husbands every move. But then, if that's the case, what is it that you're really hanging on to?

[Minnie11]

How do I find out if he maintains nc?

I agree. It's a horrible situation I'm in, but I'm in my mid-fourties, the youngest kid just started kindergarten and I only work part-time. The older one is in middle school, I can't afford crap without his income and finding a full-time job is hard these days. My lawyer says my calculated child support would be around 1200 a month. That wouldn't even cover the bills at this point. Argh. It's hard. If I were younger I wouldn't think twice about leaving. I would have better chances to have a career and find a new love, maybe. Being 44 and dating as a single mum, with the kids still living with me, sounds like a REAL challenge. Not that I would want anybody living with me right now, but a little distraction and male attention wouldn't hurt after all this BS I have been through recently. I know I'll never gain trust back.

[Ashlee T.]

but I'm in my mid-fourties

I know that with all you're going through, in addition to being a mother of 3 youngins that you are feeling "old" right now. But you are still a young and vibrant woman. You are one of many many women out there who have been financially dependent upon their husbands and then when things go awry, they feel trapped and stuck. But you're not trapped. Would getting out and starting new be hard? YES. But harder than spending the rest of your life in a miserable marriage with a man you cannot trust to let out of your sight? No.

I don't know where you're located, but there are jobs posted everywhere right now. Full time and part time. They may not be the ideal job for you...but they would allow you to establish yourself. A job + child support and you'd be fine. Plus, I'm sure that in the settlement there'd be some kind of agreement as far as custody and his financial responsibilities to the children as far as medical bills, school clothes, etc. If alimony isn't an option in your state, your lawyer could help you find other ways in a divorce settlement to make things work for you.

Do not try to replace your husband. You need YOU time...time to heal or you will have serious issues with the next guy. You've been through too much in this marriage to give yourself no healing time. I know you're not planning to jump in with another guy. You can do this on your own. You are NOT old...it is NOT too late...you are still in the prime of your life woman. Get out there and enjoy this life with those kiddos. It is short...and it will pass you by before you know it. Reorganize your life so that it is one you love and enjoy.

[Minnie11]

How do I find out if he maintains nc?

I know. That's what I'll have to do. It's just such a bitter pill to swallow after all these years. I am in no way interested in a serious relationship with anyone. My kids are my priority at this point and it will be hard enough to separate them from their father, live in a different place, carry the financial and emotional burden and start over. How do you do that? I have no money on my own, we have nothing in savings, all we have is our income. Do I stay in the house? Do I move? It's going to be easier throughout the transition period to stay, also for the kids, but long term I have no chance to afford my current standard of living. Moving with kids, new furniture, signing a lease, all that seems so extremely stressful. And I didn't ask for this. It's what he did to us. And I'm left here to clean up the mess? Jesus. I can hardly breathe.

During all these years he never put us first. He always said he did, but his actions have shown me the exact opposite. After chance after chance after chance you would think they learn and change their priorities, but no, they think you're a pushover and continue their double lives, while their words say that they are committed to their families. I don't understand. Why not be honest and say "I need help to figure myself out?" or "I want to be single." Something. Some honesty. It's just do painful and humiliating. I can't take it. I just can't.

[Ashlee T.]

I wish I could give you a big hug right now. You're right that there is no easy or painless way right now. You are entitled to every ounce of anger and sadness you feel right now. The only way to get past the anger and sadness is to recognize them, embrace them...and just go with it.

He wasn't honest because he wanted "the best of both worlds". He didn't want to give up his family for the affair...because then it would no longer be an affair and would be far less exciting. But he didn't want to give up his affair for his family either. It's the classic story of an unfaithful mate.

Moving with kids, new furniture, signing a lease, all that seems so extremely stressful.

Sure it is. But once you get to the "acceptance" point of the grieving process, those things will actually feel empowering, liberating...and believe it or not, exciting. Yes, your standard of living will change. Of course it will. But I'd rather have a bit less and have a few more struggles, and BE HAPPY than to have everything materially and financially but be miserable.

I know you're angry. Very angry and very hurt...and you should be.. but do not tell yourself that it's hopeless, that your future is doom and gloom, that it's the end......because it's not. It's definitely not and don't you tell yourself that it is. You will get through this. You will be stronger, you will be fulfilled, you will be happy.... you will.

Hugs to you Minnie.

[Ashlee T.]

I heard this song on my lunch break today and it made me think of you so I thought I'd share. Artist: Pink Song: Try

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try

You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try

[Minnie11]

How do I find out if he maintains nc?

Awe you're sweet thanks!