[Reese27]

I just found out a week ago that my fiance of one year (been together 10 years) cheated on me for 4 months and got the girl pregnant.

In November of last year I went to Maryland to visit my sister and my nephew who is a year old. He was very upset that I left him, and apparently felt that we were essentially over. When I came back we discussed things and decided that we would work to make it better (not knowing that he had just cheated on me for the whole week I was away).

Things were better, we celebrated our anniversary, Valentine's Day, and my birthday and I was happy and in love, like I always have been.

There were a few signs that I was forced to ignore, like him putting a lock on his phone, changing his Verizon password so I could not see who he was texting etc, but I asked him if he was cheating and he said no (I should have trusted my intuition!)

So, last Sunday I got a text from his coworker saying that if he(my fiance) had not opened up to me, then they were. I essentially called them and they told me while I was on speaker phone in front of him. I freaked out and obviously was and still am upset.

His reasoning is because he was going through a lot of stress from work, thought I wasn't there for him, she was there to "listen", he thought that he "loved her" and that out relationship was ending.

I decided to stay, it was not really a thought in my mind to leave, I could not just through away 10 years of my life with someone. I want to make it work, but I am not sure how to deal with all the emotions.

It would be easier to accept if he could just say ok I will never talk to her or see her again, but that is impossible since she is pregnant with his child and is keeping it. I found out that he has not told her that we are still together, and is basically not telling her that they are not going to be together, because he is afraid that she will freak out and take him to court for custody, child support etc.

This is obviously hard to handle because I still feel like I am being betrayed.

Has anyone ever gone through a similar situation, I have not been able to tell anyone, and I do not know how to deal with this.

[Claret]

At some point they will be going to court for support, custody, visitation etc. unless he and she get together. This will leave you out in the cold. You were gone for a week and I presume you didn't clear out your jewellry, clothing, personal items, furniture etc. but were just there for a visit. In that week he "His reasoning is because he was going through a lot of stress from work, thought I wasn't there for him, she was there to "listen", he thought that he "loved her" and that out relationship was ending." Fell in love in that week - are you kidding me?

I'm going to suggest that this was going on long before you left for your vacation and that it has continued to now. You should make the decision here, not leave it up to him and her to tell you what you will or will not accept or be doing. Do you want to stay with your Fiance? Do you want to accept partial responsibility for the child? Are you willing to chip in on child support, visitation, being a step-Mom? You have to decide. Then let your fiance know what you have decided and ask him what he wants to do.

[Little]

Take it from a reformed serial cheater - it's not about the third person. It's about the first and second. Something was wrong enough in your relationship that he had sex with somebody outside it. He gave you the line "I thought our relationship was over!" (I've used that one!) WHY did he think it was over? Certainly not because you left town - as Claret points out, you likely only took enough belongings to last a week. Ask him for more detail. Lots more detail. It will require him to really investigate himself, which will probably be quite uncomfortable. It took me a long time to recognize why I was really cheating on my boyfriends and what I could do to stop the pattern, and it was by no means easy or fun to pick apart my shortcomings. But if he hopes to ever have a healthy relationship with you (or anybody else,) he needs to know.

What I'm basically getting at with the "real reason" is that there is likely an incompatibility in your relationship. It's deep enough that your fiance cheated on you. It could be that he needs more time together physically in a relationship ... or it could just be that he's too immature to carry on a monogamous relationship. Investigate this DEEPLY before continuing, and especially before marrying him! It could be that even if he had never cheated, this incompatibility would have been enough to stop you from having a happy life together. Take the cheating as a blessing so that you can find out the easy way, and sooner, without an expensive wedding or divorce!

Do you want to accept partial responsibility for the child? Are you willing to chip in on child support, visitation, being a step-Mom? You have to decide.

This is dead on. Your fiance isn't just yours anymore. You just began dating a new man - a single father with potential baby mama drama. Who is apparently avoiding paying child support. Take a good hard look at how he's treating the other woman (and his child) here and realize that it could be you in her spot.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

Yes actually I have been in this situation the difference is we are pretty sure the child isn't his now.. But I was going through wondering and waiting for 9 months.. But I digress I told my husband if he wanted our relationship to work he would let her know that he is with me and not her and I would not take I'm scared she will try to get child support if I done get with her as a excuse.. He dug the hole so he can dig himself outta it basically he is still cheating on you.. Making her believe they are together is horrible to her and to you.. I would tell him to make a decision either her or you.. If he can't decide just let him go because he isn't worth your time then.. If he chooses you.. You need to realize your going to be a step mom to this child and ask yourself can you handle that? It's a lot to ask of you.. But if you love this man enough to look pass his indiscretions then go for it..
Hope that helps!

[jns]

In November of last year I went to Maryland to visit my sister and my nephew who is a year old. He was very upset that I left him, and apparently felt that we were essentially over. When I came back we discussed things and decided that we would work to make it better (not knowing that he had just cheated on me for the whole week I was away).

What's going to keep him from having this reaction when you visit relatives in the future? Will he be able to function on his own or will the pattern repeat? Was this a control issue to keep you from visiting relatives?

[LouBird]

So sorry - This is really hard news - you just found out a week ago, so I'm sure you're just starting to really process all of this. It is very painful to find out that you have been betrayed. You definitely need to take some time and think this through. You don't have to make any split second decisions. People don't generally change too much, so now is the time to keep your eyes wide open and find out who your fiance really is. The choices he makes now are the same ones he will make if you get married - a wedding doesn't make someone into a new person.

There have been a lot of good points made regarding the role that this new child will play in your relationship. Things can't return to the way they were, so now you'll need to decide what to do next. Talk to a married couple you know and trust and get some sound advice. You have a choice in all of this for your life and future. Saying a prayer for you.

[Pollon]

Your fiance is not ready to commit to you or anyone else. It took him 9 years to propose and a year after that you are still not married. In order to sabotage his commitment to you, he jumps into bed with someone else. And he still won't commit to either you, her or his child.

You are dating a boy who won't make a decision about the direction of his life. It seems you have made a commitment to him, but that does not guarantee anything in return. If you want the security of a commitment, find a man who can give one.

Good luck

[BabyGirl]

Just want to add to this..
Once Married to him, your Income is his Income, when it comes to Tax returns and attaching Wages.

My daughter, now 33, married a man with 2 kids, former wife was not in the picture .. But .. He had Child support.. some back and some current owed by Him at the time of her marriage to him .Almost 10 years ago .

But 12 years ago, when they met .. she was in love and knew he had a Struggle .
He was willing to pay it but had no Income or only on and off income of his own through out the years .

My Daughters Income was assessed and money was taken out of her paychecks every month and every year.
It is and was Deemed " Joint Income". Once they were Married.

She had nothing to do with these children, never met them, yet she was paying for them.She still is now. But only 8 months to go when the daughter turns 18. The son already has turned 18,so less out of her paycheck .

But just a few more months and My Daughter is Free of Debt for a Child she never even knew .

My son in law has never Cheated on my Daughter .. But he owes.. They Owe .
At least until the youngest child is 18 .

So please make a very wise " Selfish " Decision on this Possible Marriage/ Long term Relationship. Do the DNA, DEMAND IT !!

Do the Parent Responsibility,His,Hers. Child's .

[lizzardb63]

She had nothing to do with these children, never met them, yet she was paying for them.She still is now. But only 8 months to go when the daughter turns 18. The son already has turned 18,so less out of her paycheck .

But just a few more months and My Daughter is Free of Debt for a Child she never even knew .

My son in law has never Cheated on my Daughter .. But he owes.. They Owe .
At least until the youngest child is 18 .

So please make a very wise " Selfish " Decision on this Possible Marriage/ Long term Relationship. Do the DNA, DEMAND IT !!

Do the Parent Responsibility,His,Hers. Child's .

I never knew any of that!!! That's crazy. Really makes you think twice about those people who won't marry others who have children or get involved. Sounds selfish, but I wouldn't really blame a person after that, especially if you were already on a limited income. I can't imagine the hardships that could really cause in the beginning of a marriage. Your daughter must really love him.

[BabyGirl]

Yes Liz, she does love him, they will be married 10 years this July. No kids of their own.
She has Struggled all these years, paying his Child support out of her Paychecks when he wasn't working . She has expected Tax returns and had them garnished.
She finally learned not to file Jointly on Tax returns,as both SS #'s are attached to same form . That has salvaged her returns in some ways, but non payment of Child Support, could have him lose his Drivers License and be Imprisoned for no payment. So she pays them herself .

Once Married, all income is Joint Income, in our State of Washington. Unless a Pre Nuptial is signed and approved and ordered by Court. All Bills, Rent, Electric,Cable, Cells are also included. Income into a household is Income. Anything Bought or payments owed after the Date of Marriage, is considered JOINT PROPERTY in this State . And Subject to be included and Deducted and Wages Attached as Both person's obligations.

She married him knowing he had a son and daughter . But never thought she would be legally Responsible for his legal Duty to them . Sometimes it may be cautious to research before signing on the Dotted line of Marriage .