[sansoni]

I have looking around for some help and suggestions, hoping I could find some.
I have been married for over 2 years now. No children because I have simply lost the sex drive. I feel some how I hate my husband. ours was a love marriage but I feel i have fallen out of love. Lot of issues among our families has drawn me apart from him. I don' think I will ever feel the same about my husband like the way I used feel when we dated each other. something strange happened in the last week is that my ex boy friend and I started messaging and I am starting to develop a strong connection with him all over again. I am so **** annoyed with myself that when I was with my boy friend I dumped him for my husband and its all happening again.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi sans,

Would it be ok to ask for some more information please.

What type of things wthin your family do you feel have driving a wedge between you and your husband to create "hate" from you to him?

Why did you dump your ex-boyfriend for your now husband?

I will say that, you mentioned you "loved" your then to be husband at the time, suggesting that you didn't love your boyfriend enough at that time. So honestly, going backwards is not going to help you, because if you had loved him enough you would not have moved onto your husband. Just because attention is being given and usually if a guy gets dumped he can't handle that ego wise, and will always try to win that girl back and ultimately realise it's still not what he wanted and he dumps... Never to be heard of again.

I wouldn't go down that path but I'd be interested to hear more so I can try to offer my further opinion and that of others of our Forum.

CW

[sansoni]

Dear maam,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
To speak about the issues, as you must know a typical South Indian issue is about dowry. The main point is that my husband humiliates my family as in mom, brother and everyone else in my family that is just not acceptable by me. This is what caused the distance in first place. He does not trust me as he thinks I may have affair with many guys.

And considering that my ex boy friend he has pretty much moved on in life. So I am not wanting to go back to him. I just wanted to know if me spending rest of my life with a man that I don't love any more is worth a shot.

[DreamP346]

Whether or not its worth staying together is a question only you can answer. First, stop messaging the old boy friend. There are too many other emotions you need to sort out. Maybe one day you can decide if you want to be friends again, but right now you don't want any distractions.

Here are a bunch of questions you should ask yourself:

1) In your culture, can you divorce your husband and move on and eventually find somebody else? If you do, will your family and friends support you? Can you marry again and have kids. Will it impact your career (if you are working).
Answer these questions and then think of the consequeces. For example, if your family will not support your decision to leave your husband, will they disown you? If so, do you have other social and financial support? Friends, a job, etc so that you can survive on your own. Think of all the option.

2) Have you had a long discussion with your husband about this? Have you told him how you feel? Relationships are difficult. You have to continually work towards it to make it through. You may find somebody else, but believe me, each man comes with his own problems.
My suggestion is that you have a calm talk with him. Explain how this is making you feel. Set some boundaries. For example, tell him that he absolutely cannot humiliate your family over issues such as dowry. Ask him if he married you because he loved you or for the dowry. If it was for love, then he needs to come to terms with the fact that there will never be any more dowry - end of story. Its illigal anyway.
Also talk to him about how you are feeling and that you want to make this relationship work but you also need him to be willing to work for this. You may find that the thought of loosing you will change things.

Any relationship is worth getting married for is worth fighting for. You may be able to rekindle that old spark you had, but you both need to work towards it.

[sansoni]

Hi,
I really appreciate your response, and I have been a little lone these days to think of replying to your post.
well considering the fact that my family is more unhappy with marriage than me. They will definitely support me if I have made up my mind. On the other hand speaking to my husband is not going to work well with me, because he is more of a " jump to conclusion" kind of a person. He only views the world through his stained glass and thinks everyone in this whole wide world is just like him. I have occasionally tried to speak to him about me not being very happy about marriage but he just thinks that I have found some so I am speaking like that. As a matter of fact he very well knows that I am very unhappy but stills wants me to compromise on every step of life and its been like 2.5 years i have been putting myself on back track hoping someday i'll be happy. My patients is running out I feel suffocated in this relationship !!!!.