[Aeroskunk]

To begin with: I've been with this man for 4 years. He has always shown commitment and integrity. He has earned my trust and I have loved him to a point of godliness. Have always had great times and we get on like a house on fire. Our sex is great our banter even better. We don't fight. Utopia. Up until now....

A mistake happened. He messed up once (albeit drunk out of his rockers)...the drunk part is alright with me, as I love a good party too....just this time--******************************** happened with him.

So what I wish to know is: He keeps telling me he hates himself. He never wanted to be the man who would hurt his woman. Especially when we have it this good. In his past relationship, he was sort of cheated upon - so he feels my right to pain, but he hates himself and while he understands how I feel. He wishes we can get past it. I have forgiven him. Because I believe if reputation/goodwill is anything to go by, then he has always been honest with me and faithful. The only part I want to understand is how does this guilt feel? I know for a fact that he is a committed man and in the past if he ever messed up on the work front, he made up for it (out of guilt obviously) to a point, where he built his own company....So he does take his guilt heavily....

Can anyone please explain to me this guilt? I love him, and I am horrible to him (for obvious reasons) and I wish to understand his guilt more.

While I appreciate and repect everyones' comments, please do respect the fact that I wish to give this a try because I believe I would've wanted the same and If I ever get past this, I will have earned more love than I can ever imagine of a man who wishes to be sincere....Or if all else fails, I know I gave it my best.

Thanks in advance!

[Stillness]

I'm confused a bit. At a critical point in your explanation it seems like the profanity filter blocked you. What did he do? My assumption is that he had sex with someone else, but you mentioned cheating at business.

Also you say that you forgive him but you treat him badly. Please explain.

And I hate to throw a bunch of questions at you, but I just don't understand what you're asking for. Have you never felt guilt?

[Aeroskunk]

[QUOTE=Stillness;358844]I'm confused a bit. At a critical point in your explanation it seems like the profanity filter blocked you. What did he do? My assumption is that he had sex with someone else, but you mentioned cheating at business.

Also you say that you forgive him but you treat him badly. Please explain.

And I hate to throw a bunch of questions at you, but I just

Yes you are correct about the assumption that he had sex with someone else - a working call who had approached him in his state of deliriousness or whatever.

I have forgiven him. I treat him badly in the sense that I keep revisiting the occasion and regressing into a lot of self sympathy. I guess it's just that I wish it had never happened. I have had issues in the past about sense of security and trusting and he was the first in a long line of what-evers I had been with that earned the trust....So it kinda brings out (what I thought I had overcome in terms of insecurities) and therefore I feel more horrible. Also I guess the fact that I play that card sometimes doesn't help. He wishes to get past this all and really wants me to let go of all this because he fears that bringing it up all the time makes the situation unnecessarily ugly and saps the love out.

I hope I have answered to your requirement. If necessary, pls feel free to ask more, as I do appreciate an answer that is well thought nd not a spur of the moment feeling. I know I have spurs of the moment....but this is something that We have worked at and If i react in a spur, I'm no better than him in his debilitated state of mind (of that evening).

I have not felt guilt like this because in most cases, I did not have a proper relationship with boundaries explained and non of those were ever serious....

[Aeroskunk]

Once again, truly appreciate your time and patience. I'm new at this forum thingy and also coping with the technical aspect of it

[Claret]

Although you say you have forgiven him, I really wonder if you have. You are treating him badly, which would indicate that you want him to feel as bad about his infidelity as you do. You want him to take on some of your pain so that he will hurt too which is why you are constantly bringing it up in your conversations and you are treating him badly over it. What you are feeling is hurt not guilt. What you are trying to do is make him feel more guilty than he does. Perhaps he is not showing you, or perhaps you have not talked it through as thoroughly as you should and that you don't understand how truly guilty he felt.
If you had talked this through, guilt would not be part of the equation. He, by now, should feel contrite, should be trying to re-assure you that you will have nothing to fear in the future. You on the other hand, should feel compassion not guilt and should show the understanding of the situation not guilt. You should have nothing to feel guilty for.
If you truly forgive, you would not be doing what you're doing and you two should be able to discuss it rationally and without rancour.

[Claret]

I should also add, that I feel you are entitled to whatever you are feeling. This is something that no-one else can dictate. However, what you do with those feelings is entirely up to you. You can work with them and sort everything out or you can let them dictate your actions.

[HisGirl]

You’re hurt, this will take time to get over. How long ago did this happen, is it very recent? If it is then you have to give yourself time to deal with the natural feelings. You said your partner has been cheated on before so he should understand what you’re going through and realize that it will take time for you to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t just come when we will it, it comes when we’re ready.

Ask him to be patient with you because you’re still working things out with yourself. You don't have to feel guilty about your emotions, they're there for a reason. They protect us from further hurt. If you can find a way to deal with what you're feeling without taking it out on him, you're guilt may start to subside.

[Aeroskunk]

Claret: Although you say you have forgiven him, I really wonder if you have. You are treating him badly, which would indicate that you want him to feel as bad about his infidelity as you do. You want him to take on some of your pain so that he will hurt too which is why you are constantly bringing it up in your conversations and you are treating him badly over it. What you are feeling is hurt not guilt. What you are trying to do is make him feel more guilty than he does. Perhaps he is not showing you, or perhaps you have not talked it through as thoroughly as you should and that you don't understand how truly guilty he felt.
If you had talked this through, guilt would not be part of the equation. He, by now, should feel contrite, should be trying to re-assure you that you will have nothing to fear in the future. You on the other hand, should feel compassion not guilt and should show the understanding of the situation not guilt. You should have nothing to feel guilty for.
If you truly forgive, you would not be doing what you're doing and you two should be able to discuss it rationally and without rancour. - Indeed you are right. I am very truly hurt, and I do wish he would know how deeply it hurt me. It's coz I have never ever loved someone soo much and soo selflessly. I cry when I write this because I am in constant worry that I am not strong enough to see myself through although I so dearly wish to. Please bear in mind I learned of this only a month back and the would seems to be raw sometimes. There are times when I feel like I am so over everything and nothing will make me feel hurt and that his love is genuine...as was his mistake. We have talked it through but I am so inconsistent....I know this coz it's my weakness....it took a long time for me to deliver consistently on this relationship to begin with (and expect everything of him consistently as well). Your answer is exactly as he as said to me during our talks -- that he feels enough guilt without me laying it upon him, and that If given the chance he wishes to prove to me with time....but I can't bring it up all the time and chase ourselves further apart. It truly feels good to hear a third party say this because even if he is right, my brain refuses to acknowledge every word he says now, atleast in this regard. I kinda view it as though he wishes this whole nightmare is over asap , which is how I wish it too, but not at the expense of my sanity.


HisGirl: You’re hurt, this will take time to get over. How long ago did this happen, is it very recent? If it is then you have to give yourself time to deal with the natural feelings. You said your partner has been cheated on before so he should understand what you’re going through and realize that it will take time for you to forgive.

Forgiveness doesn’t just come when we will it, it comes when we’re ready.

Ask him to be patient with you because you’re still working things out with yourself. You don't have to feel guilty about your emotions, they're there for a reason. They protect us from further hurt. If you can find a way to deal with what you're feeling without taking it out on him, you're guilt may start to subside. - I have learned of his actions a month back. I am impatient by nature and also inconsistent about a few things. I am starting to believe that I need to see a counsellor so I can deliver consistently. I agree when you say that Forgives can't be willed....but (not that I am a mushy person-- but when I love, I can love deep **ughsy yeah?**) so my heart knows he deserves a chance and I guess I am terrified about being hurt as well.....and this terrified-ness is making me act like a horrible person. I need to get a grip! I need to get back into sports and vent out and deal with my anxiety on my own....


Truly, you peeps are soo kind to give time for my issue....the same things he said...but I appreciate it much more from strangers (kind strangers)...
I guess I do have a lot to deal with (and work on myself) before we're past this bumpy phase..

Sending much love!

[Aeroskunk]

May I just add to the above that I have had days when I am loving, caring and not bringing up anything regarding the incident...and then there are days when I am bawling my eyes and feeling insecure (especially now, as it's the first time while he has travelled for work since the incident - work travel is unavoidable)...

Also he has mentioned on many occasions that the faster I drop it and put my energy into focusing on making it work than rehashing the incidence, the better it will be for the relationship. From his past experience, the longer you linger...the deeper the matter gets or the more difficult it is to overcome it eventually...

[Claret]

But the thing is the healing doesn't just all have to come from you. He will need to heal as well and the two of you need to heal together. You've indicated that you two have talked it out, you now need to work on forgiving him rather than any kind of retribution. You need to do things for each other. That means you will have to quit making him feel bad and start to help him feel good and he needs to do the same for you. So, instead of flinging out an accusation next time, just take a deep breath and think about something good that he has done recently. Think about why you love him rather than why you are angry with him. Think about him holding you not pushing you away, then walk up to him and give him a hug. Sometimes do it for no reason whatever. See how he reacts. Repeat as necessary. You'll be surprized at how good it'll make you feel for starters and it becomes contagious.