[Aeroskunk]

That sounds like a good way to start curbing my insecurity infused temper! I did a bit of something like that during the weekend when we spent time together and he was so nice and I was nice in return. Its just that we are both stubborn and strong headed in our ways that when we discuss this thing often, it upsets me, it upsets him, then he becomes very uncertain about us and thinks he'll lose us and gets more upset and aggressive in attitude. I did request him to be humble and (unlike his nature - which is strong and determined and sincere) he did oblige and I wasn't easy initially.....

All in all Claret, I know I am lacking when it comes to consistency in my deliverance....if I can more than often desired be nicer to him...he can continue being the kindest person ever! I really hate myself in the 'victim' mode - it's soo easy and without any responsibility. I was just telling him that he too needs to heal and can't constantly bear the brunt of the action--but I guess I need to play my part. He won't be back for a week, so I guess I'll make do with phone-hugs ..I really wish to be back in love like a blind puppy in the arms of a kind child....that's where I was!

[DreamP346]

Seeing a therapist can be very helpful. Many couples go through this. Surviving a partner's infidelity is not as uncommon as we think. Many couples make it through. But its will take time, patience, understanding, healing, talking, etc. First, your partner can't demand you stop obsessing over this. He created this situation. Getting over it is easier said than done. Keeping it bottled inside will only make it worse. You definitely need to talk about it, but do it in a productive way instead of just trying to hurt each other. Based on this thread's title, it sounds like you need to see him feel guilty and making efforts to amend the situation. Tell him that. Tell him you need to hear both the words and see actions. And this needs to be something that must come from within him, not just something he does to placate you. On your part, you will try not to be hurtful, although that does not mean you will stop talking about it, right now. There may come a day when you two both decide its time to bury the past, but that is too soon right now.

You two do need to talk about it and a lot. Discuss your feelings. Always talk in "I"s and "I feel". Don't accuse. For example, instead of saying "you hurt me a lot" say, "your actions made me hurt a lot." Instead of saying " you don't seem to be sorry or feel any guilt" say "based on how I see you acting, I feel like you don't feel any guilt." Words can be very powerful. You want to show him that his behavior now is still causing you pain, although that may not be what he is trying to do.

Just remember, it will take a long time. Don't expect this to go away so quickly.

[Claret]

All in all Claret, I know I am lacking when it comes to consistency in my deliverance....if I can more than often desired be nicer to him...he can continue being the kindest person ever! I really hate myself in the 'victim' mode - it's soo easy and without any responsibility.

You can decide if you want to continue to be the victim OR you can determine that you are NOT a victim and act on that premise and go forward.

[Aeroskunk]

You can decide if you want to continue to be the victim OR you can determine that you are NOT a victim and act on that premise and go forward.

I can't remain a victim, makes me feel powerless, and that is a horrible feeling. I have started acting and focusing on the reasons why I choose to be a part of this relationship than why he hurt me....I have started acting as per my decision, to not give up on this relationship.

Seeing a therapist can be very helpful. Many couples go through this. Surviving a partner's infidelity is not as uncommon as we think. Many couples make it through. But its will take time, patience, understanding, healing, talking, etc. First, your partner can't demand you stop obsessing over this. He created this situation. Getting over it is easier said than done. Keeping it bottled inside will only make it worse. You definitely need to talk about it, but do it in a productive way instead of just trying to hurt each other. Based on this thread's title, it sounds like you need to see him feel guilty and making efforts to amend the situation. Tell him that. Tell him you need to hear both the words and see actions. And this needs to be something that must come from within him, not just something he does to placate you. On your part, you will try not to be hurtful, although that does not mean you will stop talking about it, right now. There may come a day when you two both decide its time to bury the past, but that is too soon right now.

You two do need to talk about it and a lot. Discuss your feelings. Always talk in "I"s and "I feel". Don't accuse. For example, instead of saying "you hurt me a lot" say, "your actions made me hurt a lot." Instead of saying " you don't seem to be sorry or feel any guilt" say "based on how I see you acting, I feel like you don't feel any guilt." Words can be very powerful. You want to show him that his behavior now is still causing you pain, although that may not be what he is trying to do.

Just remember, it will take a long time. Don't expect this to go away so quickly.

I have mentioned to him that timelines are useless and I personally feel stressed that I'm demanded to heal as per his expectation, although I can understand how he would like to wish this whole episode away. I indicated that talking to me is very important and mostly it helps me settle my insecurities/ my fears etc rather than have them suppressed and snowball into something ugly in the future. I had laid down some ground rules about how he needed to not go here and there, which he agreed to initially but with my hurtful comments (I can hurt when I am hurt) he said that it was best that he be allowed to do as he wishes, because he had already made up in his mind that he wouldn't want anything remotely similar repeating itself, and that he had made up his mind how to go about it an laying ground rules only takes away from his credibility....which I do agree to myself (also I hate telling someone what to do....it's not right, I'm not his mommy) and I must say he has been pleasantly surprising me on how he has been going about things while we're not together...he doesn't want to only appease me, he really is afraid about what happened/ why it happened (as he has no idea what over came him or what was son his mind) and he wishes to not put me/us through this pain. Over some 'couply' dinner and drinks he did admit that he knew how much I loved him like crazy and he let himself drop..and no matter how much I continue loving him, he knows it'll never be the doodle eyed love I had for him.

His biggest fear in all of this is that if I continue on being hurtful, then I take love away from our relationship and soon he will feel stressed in being around me/talking to me etc out of fear...and coming home will not be a something that he can look forward to....and in all this he can't put himself through this gut churning experience....(something about how no one let go in their past relationship--making it very sour to live with). I am on the other hand more positive...I know I need time to heal, (but hopefully/afraid we both don't run out of railway tracks to continue this relationship) and I know that I wish to be able to smile at him in a few years and not hold it against him. To give you an idea we've recently got married and I was still in my honeymoon phase....Of course it doesn't mean it won't come back--I need to get with the programme on my part. He, I can say is doing all he can. I think this mistake has made him realize he needs to watch his steps... (he is proud of his accomplishments and a very confident man) and he wants to to do as much as possible to see us back where we were - putting smiles in each others hearts.

I have indicated I want to see a counsellor, but he is afraid because in the past relationship...instead of aiding, it buried his relationship...they were at it for many years. And he is afraid that it's all a money making gimmick and he wishes I would hear him out and go along with him on this. I on the other hand wish to see a counsellor so I can stabilize my emotions - as a person. I have always been inconsistent and this rocked boat doesn't help me. One day I am all good and another day I am terrified. I am aware of all this and now I am trying to tie myself down with a string and focus on the good side of wanting this to work....it's working so far, but fingers crossed. I have questioned myself so often, to a point I felt inadequate...i didn't want any sympathy (and I offered him out of this relationship if he wished) I have explored all and everything in the past 30 days....and I must admit, talking on this forum feels very assuring. Especially as I don't know who/how many people have survived such a situation, and I would greatly appreciate words of wisdom. I don't wish to share this with many people I know as I don't want anyone judging him/ our relationship..he bears his cross towards me...not the others.

[DreamP346]

Aeroshunk, reading your posts, I am beginning to wonder if you have more guilt here than he does. It almost sounds like he is subtly making your feel guilty about your hurt. You say he is trying, but its all according to his rules. He doesn't want to follow your rules, he expects you to get over this, he says that if you don't, he can't continue in a relationship like this, he won't go to counselling, etc. Its really difficult to assess a relationship over the internet based on a one side description, but I am beginning to feel like he is the one controlling the situation and making you feel like you are the one doing wrong.

I'm am not saying the things he demands aren't reasonable, but just not one after 1 month of cheating. To me, that would come 6 months down the road. And I don't feel like he is really trying. He is only doing things that are comfortable to him, but what would make you happy. Its not a ***-for-tat relationship. If you are hurtful, that doesn't give him the right to say he won't do things any more. He should do things because they are the right things to do and are best for the relationship. He basically used your behavior as an excuse to get out of something he promised to do. That's the same as you saying you can go cheat, because he did something hurtful to you.

If you can't convince your husband to go to counselling, you should go by yourself, just to help you get through this.

[Aeroskunk]

Aeroshunk, reading your posts, I am beginning to wonder if you have more guilt here than he does. It almost sounds like he is subtly making your feel guilty about your hurt. You say he is trying, but its all according to his rules. He doesn't want to follow your rules, he expects you to get over this, he says that if you don't, he can't continue in a relationship like this, he won't go to counselling, etc. Its really difficult to assess a relationship over the internet based on a one side description, but I am beginning to feel like he is the one controlling the situation and making you feel like you are the one doing wrong.

I'm am not saying the things he demands aren't reasonable, but just not one after 1 month of cheating. To me, that would come 6 months down the road. And I don't feel like he is really trying. He is only doing things that are comfortable to him, but what would make you happy. Its not a ***-for-tat relationship. If you are hurtful, that doesn't give him the right to say he won't do things any more. He should do things because they are the right things to do and are best for the relationship. He basically used your behavior as an excuse to get out of something he promised to do. That's the same as you saying you can go cheat, because he did something hurtful to you.

If you can't convince your husband to go to counselling, you should go by yourself, just to help you get through this.

I'm not sure if I feel guilty, but I know in the past two days I have had an array of emotions and most of them have to do with not having to do anything with him, hating him, reliving that night in my head and wondering what the ******** was he thinking and actually getting disgusted (especially when I enjoy a song that I could see myself dancing to and all of a sudden I see him dancing with a random hooker and taking her back to the hotel--PS: I also know how she looks because He had to make contact with her on FB to ensure that she was clean), constantly putting him on the spot by micro analyzing that night and having him apologize, avoid communication with him, maybe even wonder how sorry he is and what does being drunk mean and also thinking positively about his efforts (altho I feel I have the right to accept nothing but a full 100% and increase my bench mark on things) . Overall I feel like I'm losing my marbles. Also I know I said that I'll focus on the good side...but I think for the moment I'm just low on energy so My brain in it's automated mode reverses to the bad side of things.

But the best part is he is away and when I avoid communication, I feel happy (I just don't feel like talking to him and I think it's best as I may be unnecessarily mean to). I feel like I don't care about him. I'm frustrated with him. He has apologized and all that and he is making up for it....but everytime I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. I am feeling weak and I know I will be stronger again --- is it ok to feel weak every now and then? Not used to this feeling...as I usually stay away from anything that makes me feel like this and now I know it's going to be a struggle to deal with it...and I am relying on time to make it all heal better and heal away.

I am considering counselling without him. But I think I'll focus on my self and be more aware about how I feel instead of jumping into our current relationship chaos. I've always felt the need to be more aware of myself ...and I think this chaos has made my mind all mucky...

Today is a bad day for me i guess and I know I'll get past it....

[Aeroskunk]

I have made a request to not speak to my husband (he's away)....I realize that having minimum conversation with civility is far better than trying to chat as often as possible and speaking ugly stuff in between. Infact I have even indicated that unless necessary, I don't feel the need to speak. I don't feel sad about this decision. I have varying moments dealing with his mistake....but all in all I don't share anything with him on that -- as I'm aware I'm far from consistent. Is this normal behaviour? I hope that by doing this, I'm giving myself time to deal with the mistake and get past it. Just concerned if this is an ok way to go about things....Thanks!