How to get hubby to do housework consistently

[DreamP346]

He does help out, just not consistently.

Asking nicely seems to just get ignored
Nagging works, but not by much
Guilting him works a little bit, but only lasts for that one day
Bribing doesn't have an effect.
Talking works like guilting, only lasts for that one day.

I am out of ways to ask. I get fed up and just do thing myself which then makes him even more reluctant to do anything. I am so tired. My day is spent working or doing household stuff. I get an hour relaxing time per day. Sometimes even that is just watching TV while folding laundry.

[rcoreyus]

What is he spending his time doing when he isn't doing housework.

Sorry, I've lost track , do both of you work, and is is similar hours?

Does he do other things (fixing the car, gardening, fixing computers, etc) that he might think make up for the housework?

Just asking.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He does help out, just not consistently.

Asking nicely seems to just get ignored
Nagging works, but not by much
Guilting him works a little bit, but only lasts for that one day
Bribing doesn't have an effect.
Talking works like guilting, only lasts for that one day.

I am out of ways to ask. I get fed up and just do thing myself which then makes him even more reluctant to do anything. I am so tired. My day is spent working or doing household stuff. I get an hour relaxing time per day. Sometimes even that is just watching TV while folding laundry.

Appreciation of what a couple is all about and how working together brings a lot more to the table, like laughter, more sex, happiness, discussions.

Let him know the above quote.

Until a man gets past his Mother's apron strings, he won't get it..

If he sees that it's a win, win? He will get it.

[Stillness]

sp, My wife did most stuff around the house for our whole marriage until very recently. Now the tables have completely turned and our house is more orderly and clean than ever. I just got sick of the clutter. It feels better. It smells better.

I also like homemade food a lot more than my wife. I can't remember the last time she made a homemade meal. It's unfortunate because she is brilliant in the kitchen - better than my mother, which is saying a lot. I just learned to make stuff that I like.

Unfortunately I don't know how to package that. Some people will get it as they mature. Some people never will. My wife and I both work. She actually works longer hours than me for the past few years. Her complaints about fairness definitely contributed, but it's mostly something that comes from inside. I want our house to be presentable and it wasn't. I couldn't tolerate it anymore.

Our situation is different, because we don't have kids. I'm sort of tempted to say ignoring things may help, but you've got impressionable minds and bellies you're responsible to fill. You mentioned the laundry. I'm wondering if you do his. If not the laundry, what do you do that he depends on? Even when I wasn't doing as much stuff, there were certain things I did because they just wouldn't get done if I didn't, like the grocery shopping and the yard work.

Also, like rcoreyus mentioned, my wife seemed to minimize the things that I was doing. It was very irritating. I advise that you carefully consider the value of what he does do. Maybe even commend him for it. Then ask him if it's possible for you two to divide more of the housework. Get really specific. Make a schedule or specific assignments. But do it together.

[Pollon]

Are you satisfied with how does his chores when he does actually do them? Or does he get corrected along the way and after?

[DreamP346]

I work full time, long hours, although I work mostly from home. I do 90% of the cooking, from scratch. I cook fresh meals every day. I do all the routine cleaning in the house - vacuum, toilet scrubbing, sheet changing, etc. I even get the kids to help clean out. On the weekdays I take care of the kids in the evening (feeding, night routine, etc). I take care of the kids on the weekends.

My hubby has been out of work for 18 months. He spends a lot of time looking for work on the computer. He gets the kids ready in the morning on the weekdays. He cleans up the kitchen often, but not all the time. Recently I have found myself doing the cooking and cleaning. He takes care of the lawn and garden which is pretty big. Except this year, he really hasn't worked on it as much.

I work on commission. As my income is the only money coming in, its really important that I focus on my work. When I took this job, I told my husband that I would really need him to step up with the kids and housework. He said he would. the first month at the new job, I was away Monday-Friday so he had to take care of the household 100% during the weekdays. On the weekends, I took care of the kids and the inside of the house. He did the outside. Now things are shifting back to the way it was when he was working and I had the old job that didn't require as many hours.

Perfect example. We had friends visiting this weekend. I was the one who planned the cleaning, fixing the guest room, etc. I had to ask my hubby several times before he pitched in. The thing that ticks me off is that I vacuumed and mopped the entire house, changed the sheet on all beds, did some laundry. My hubby cleaned 1 bathroom! Its not fair I am just so much more efficient than him. Then I cooked while he drank with our friends. After dinner, he didn't clean the kitchen. The next morning, while he took his time taking a shower, I cooked fresh pumpkin muffins and cleaned the mess from the night before. He came down, chatted with friends and then went out to pick up the newspaper.

Doing the homework was supposed to be his responsibility, since I am still working. However, he just sends the kids to their room to do homework on their won. This is not working. Sometimes my son is up way past his bedtime doing homework because he can't focus - no shower, missed his practice, etc. So I had to step in. Now he comes home, comes into my office and does his homework. usually does it in 45 minutes instead of 3 hours. But it's difficult and stressful for me to be trying to work and make sure my son stays focused on his homework.

I just think this is unfair. I've told this to him. I've told him that I feel unappreciated. I remind him that the more I can be focused on work, the more money I can make.

[DreamP346]

Are you satisfied with how does his chores when he does actually do them? Or does he get corrected along the way and after?

I don't complain about his cleaning. I even go out of my way to say thank you. Something he never does. I notice he gets touchy if I don't notice/show appreciation. I do complain about how he manages the kids homework. Its not working and the kids are suffering. I had to step in on that one. When he cooks, I don't complain. Even though sometimes he makes meat so it's not something I can eat. Then I have to make dinner for myself.

[jns]

How traditionally was your husband raised? Being out of work for 18 months has probably made him depressed. If so, that has made things worse. If he was raised with traditional roles where the mother takes care of the children and the home and the father goes out and is the main or only breadwinner, the reversal of roles may have him out of his depth.

To be happy doing a job, you have to enjoy it or at least make peace with it. If there is some incentive, that makes it better. If you don't like a job, but at least get praise about it, it might be palatable. If you learn how to take personal pride in it, you will be a self starter.

It sounds like he is going about it as something he doesn't like. Like getting a child to do something that the child doesn't like, you may need to incentivize it. Is that very adult? No, but it might need to be done. Tie the incentive to his being consistent. After a while he may learn to like it. Target any praise.

I would rather not go to work most days, but I have gone there for a quarter of a century. And that is just my latest job. It's not that I don't like to work, it's just that there are other things I like to do better. The money I earn is definitely the incentive. I go out of my way to take classes (languages and computers).

For incentive, have him do something productive that he likes to do on a schedule depending on if he gets the chores done. The chores will become less burdensome because they will be done for a purpose. Also, doing something productive will help him stay positive.

[rcoreyus]

When your husband was working, did he try harder to do his fair share? Could it be depression / lack of self-worth from not having a job? Maybe coupled with feeling even worse if he is doing "menial" tasks at home?

The situation seems clearly unfair, you have every right to be unhappy, just trying to figure out what would be the best approach to take.

[DreamP346]

Yes, he is depressed. He admits it. During this whole time, I have tried to be super supportive. I have never commented that the work I do is more important than his job searching. I don't even ask that he do more. I just ask that he do 50% of the housework. If I cook, he should clean up. I shouldn't have to ask him or have the dirty dishes sit around for a day or two before he gets to them. I definitely should not have to be doing any house/kid work 9-5 when it is my official work hours. And I shouldn't have to ask him. It's his house/kids as well. Not just mine!

[rcoreyus]

You are being reasonable, I'm just trying to think through why he might act like this. My thought is that he is feeling depressed and worthless because he can't get a job. When he is job searching on the computer he at least feels he is trying - even if that doesn't take anything like full time. Housework makes him feel even more useless (maybe he also views it as "women's work"???).

Is there something he can do with his time to feel more valued (to himself), then he might feel less bad about doing random work around the house.

Just thinking out loud here. He SHOULD be doing the work, just trying to figure out the best way to motivate him.

[trcklvr8504]

My husband as well is inconsistent with housework. Sometimes though my husband will get bursts on his own to be overly helpful (VERY rare) or will actually do his chores without being asked...I think usually because he is guilted by someone else (his or my parents or SO's of my girlfriends). I think when other males point it out to him how easy he has it he takes some initiative. Also, he sees how relaxed I become when chores are completed so sometimes I think this makes him want to help out more.

How was your husband raised? Mine had a stay at home mom and unfortunately his effects how he views my role in the home.

[HerHusband]

My wife does all of the cleaning and laundry. We don't cook much. I do all of the repairs/cars/yard etc. I will help put away laundry and vacuum but I learned early in our marriage of many years I don't do many housecleaning things to suit her. So I let her and she is OK with it. I make up for it in other ways. AND I was a single guy on my own when we married. I can do laundry well as taught by my mom years ago and keep an apartment fairly clean. My wife was living at home when we married and her mom did virtually all her laundry and the other housework.
When we got married she ruined more of my clothes than I care to think about. I didn't give her grief other than a little mild teasing which she finds funny to this day. We don't have kids so that makes this easier but its a point of pride with her. AND we both work full time. Find balance and worry about the bigger things.

[CheekyNess]

HH, I'm really glad that your wife takes pride in all that she does around the house, and that she let's you get many breaks from chores (by her own choice). I also agree with you in your point of finding a balance; that is important. However, to tell someone to worry about the bigger things seems a little harsh. Maybe this is a pretty big thing to SP, as well as others out there, myself included. I second some comments about being the one in the house to do most things (most of the cleaning, 95% of the yard work, 90% of the cooking, and looking after the dogs). Honestly, if I didn't do these things, they wouldn't get done because hubs can't see what's directly in front of his nose (example: I was gone for a few hours, the dogs were really antsy upon my getting back home. I could see that they needed outside, and hubs, while he loves them and told me he's a dog-lover in general, cannot read the signs of animals. His reply: "ohhh... that's why they were uppity and wouldn't leave me alone). All while he's enjoying some quality facebook time! :-S

So yes, I get it when someone says that they need more help around the house without hounding the other person. However, hounding/nagging is unfortunately, what ends up happening in many cases.

Find balance and worry about the bigger things.

[Archer]

I can somewhat understand what you're going through.

I was married for a few years to someone who was unemployed for about 95% of our marriage, who for the life of her, and all the hours allotted to her day, could not lift a single finger around the house.

The dishes would pile up in the sink, all over the counter, the laundry would overflow out of the hamper into large disgusting piles in the bathroom...one time there was a flower pot that got knocked over, and I literally waited 2-3 weeks to see if she would get off her ****** and clean up the dirt that spilled out of it, going to work and coming home every day to still see the pile (and everything else in the house) completely untouched, eventually just taking care of it myself.

I would come home after work, around 4-5, and she would be in her pajamas, eating cheerios, watching Netflix. Every day. One could say that this woman was seriously depressed, and that not being able to have a job was part of it. But then she would turn around and tell me that she needed help with housework. Yeahhhh....

So I definitely understand your frustration. Bottom line, is that he is obviously depressed. Second, he has stopped hearing your voice, or any form of communication you have chosen to express this concern in.

You deserve to have someone who helps you carry the weight, instead of heaping more of it onto you. That's what the term "partner" means. I think a neutral third party, a.k.a. a counselor, is the only thing that will help the two of you reestablish communication, and start nailing down some expectations.

If you don't take care of it, trust me, it will eat you alive, and bleed out into every other aspect of your marriage, until you are disgusted to even see his face. My advice = counseling.