[DreamP346]

He does help out, just not consistently.

Asking nicely seems to just get ignored
Nagging works, but not by much
Guilting him works a little bit, but only lasts for that one day
Bribing doesn't have an effect.
Talking works like guilting, only lasts for that one day.

I am out of ways to ask. I get fed up and just do thing myself which then makes him even more reluctant to do anything. I am so tired. My day is spent working or doing household stuff. I get an hour relaxing time per day. Sometimes even that is just watching TV while folding laundry.

[rcoreyus]

What is he spending his time doing when he isn't doing housework.

Sorry, I've lost track , do both of you work, and is is similar hours?

Does he do other things (fixing the car, gardening, fixing computers, etc) that he might think make up for the housework?

Just asking.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He does help out, just not consistently.

Asking nicely seems to just get ignored
Nagging works, but not by much
Guilting him works a little bit, but only lasts for that one day
Bribing doesn't have an effect.
Talking works like guilting, only lasts for that one day.

I am out of ways to ask. I get fed up and just do thing myself which then makes him even more reluctant to do anything. I am so tired. My day is spent working or doing household stuff. I get an hour relaxing time per day. Sometimes even that is just watching TV while folding laundry.

Appreciation of what a couple is all about and how working together brings a lot more to the table, like laughter, more sex, happiness, discussions.

Let him know the above quote.

Until a man gets past his Mother's apron strings, he won't get it..

If he sees that it's a win, win? He will get it.

[Stillness]

sp, My wife did most stuff around the house for our whole marriage until very recently. Now the tables have completely turned and our house is more orderly and clean than ever. I just got sick of the clutter. It feels better. It smells better.

I also like homemade food a lot more than my wife. I can't remember the last time she made a homemade meal. It's unfortunate because she is brilliant in the kitchen - better than my mother, which is saying a lot. I just learned to make stuff that I like.

Unfortunately I don't know how to package that. Some people will get it as they mature. Some people never will. My wife and I both work. She actually works longer hours than me for the past few years. Her complaints about fairness definitely contributed, but it's mostly something that comes from inside. I want our house to be presentable and it wasn't. I couldn't tolerate it anymore.

Our situation is different, because we don't have kids. I'm sort of tempted to say ignoring things may help, but you've got impressionable minds and bellies you're responsible to fill. You mentioned the laundry. I'm wondering if you do his. If not the laundry, what do you do that he depends on? Even when I wasn't doing as much stuff, there were certain things I did because they just wouldn't get done if I didn't, like the grocery shopping and the yard work.

Also, like rcoreyus mentioned, my wife seemed to minimize the things that I was doing. It was very irritating. I advise that you carefully consider the value of what he does do. Maybe even commend him for it. Then ask him if it's possible for you two to divide more of the housework. Get really specific. Make a schedule or specific assignments. But do it together.

[Pollon]

Are you satisfied with how does his chores when he does actually do them? Or does he get corrected along the way and after?

[DreamP346]

I work full time, long hours, although I work mostly from home. I do 90% of the cooking, from scratch. I cook fresh meals every day. I do all the routine cleaning in the house - vacuum, toilet scrubbing, sheet changing, etc. I even get the kids to help clean out. On the weekdays I take care of the kids in the evening (feeding, night routine, etc). I take care of the kids on the weekends.

My hubby has been out of work for 18 months. He spends a lot of time looking for work on the computer. He gets the kids ready in the morning on the weekdays. He cleans up the kitchen often, but not all the time. Recently I have found myself doing the cooking and cleaning. He takes care of the lawn and garden which is pretty big. Except this year, he really hasn't worked on it as much.

I work on commission. As my income is the only money coming in, its really important that I focus on my work. When I took this job, I told my husband that I would really need him to step up with the kids and housework. He said he would. the first month at the new job, I was away Monday-Friday so he had to take care of the household 100% during the weekdays. On the weekends, I took care of the kids and the inside of the house. He did the outside. Now things are shifting back to the way it was when he was working and I had the old job that didn't require as many hours.

Perfect example. We had friends visiting this weekend. I was the one who planned the cleaning, fixing the guest room, etc. I had to ask my hubby several times before he pitched in. The thing that ticks me off is that I vacuumed and mopped the entire house, changed the sheet on all beds, did some laundry. My hubby cleaned 1 bathroom! Its not fair I am just so much more efficient than him. Then I cooked while he drank with our friends. After dinner, he didn't clean the kitchen. The next morning, while he took his time taking a shower, I cooked fresh pumpkin muffins and cleaned the mess from the night before. He came down, chatted with friends and then went out to pick up the newspaper.

Doing the homework was supposed to be his responsibility, since I am still working. However, he just sends the kids to their room to do homework on their won. This is not working. Sometimes my son is up way past his bedtime doing homework because he can't focus - no shower, missed his practice, etc. So I had to step in. Now he comes home, comes into my office and does his homework. usually does it in 45 minutes instead of 3 hours. But it's difficult and stressful for me to be trying to work and make sure my son stays focused on his homework.

I just think this is unfair. I've told this to him. I've told him that I feel unappreciated. I remind him that the more I can be focused on work, the more money I can make.

[DreamP346]

Are you satisfied with how does his chores when he does actually do them? Or does he get corrected along the way and after?

I don't complain about his cleaning. I even go out of my way to say thank you. Something he never does. I notice he gets touchy if I don't notice/show appreciation. I do complain about how he manages the kids homework. Its not working and the kids are suffering. I had to step in on that one. When he cooks, I don't complain. Even though sometimes he makes meat so it's not something I can eat. Then I have to make dinner for myself.

[jns]

How traditionally was your husband raised? Being out of work for 18 months has probably made him depressed. If so, that has made things worse. If he was raised with traditional roles where the mother takes care of the children and the home and the father goes out and is the main or only breadwinner, the reversal of roles may have him out of his depth.

To be happy doing a job, you have to enjoy it or at least make peace with it. If there is some incentive, that makes it better. If you don't like a job, but at least get praise about it, it might be palatable. If you learn how to take personal pride in it, you will be a self starter.

It sounds like he is going about it as something he doesn't like. Like getting a child to do something that the child doesn't like, you may need to incentivize it. Is that very adult? No, but it might need to be done. Tie the incentive to his being consistent. After a while he may learn to like it. Target any praise.

I would rather not go to work most days, but I have gone there for a quarter of a century. And that is just my latest job. It's not that I don't like to work, it's just that there are other things I like to do better. The money I earn is definitely the incentive. I go out of my way to take classes (languages and computers).

For incentive, have him do something productive that he likes to do on a schedule depending on if he gets the chores done. The chores will become less burdensome because they will be done for a purpose. Also, doing something productive will help him stay positive.

[rcoreyus]

When your husband was working, did he try harder to do his fair share? Could it be depression / lack of self-worth from not having a job? Maybe coupled with feeling even worse if he is doing "menial" tasks at home?

The situation seems clearly unfair, you have every right to be unhappy, just trying to figure out what would be the best approach to take.

[DreamP346]

Yes, he is depressed. He admits it. During this whole time, I have tried to be super supportive. I have never commented that the work I do is more important than his job searching. I don't even ask that he do more. I just ask that he do 50% of the housework. If I cook, he should clean up. I shouldn't have to ask him or have the dirty dishes sit around for a day or two before he gets to them. I definitely should not have to be doing any house/kid work 9-5 when it is my official work hours. And I shouldn't have to ask him. It's his house/kids as well. Not just mine!