[xx1234xx]

I was searching through my computer today and found out by accident my so called husband has been watching porn. When I went onto the website I could see that as well as watching videos you can arrange to meet up with women for "no strings sex". Now my imagination is running riot.

We got married 6 months ago but that nearly didnt happen as on his stag do he was with a lap dancer after I asked him not too. I don't know why I married him, he seemed to be sorry but now this!

I was sexually abused when I was a child and then I fell into a relationship with a man who raped and abused me. I got away from him and was recovering and bringing my children up the best I could. I had no intention of getting with anyone when I met my now husband as I didn't trust anyone. My husband hasnt had an easy time with me due to my past but he said he didn't care, he loved me.

I never thought in a million years he would have went to a lap dancing club let alone enjoyyed a private dance 2weeks before our wedding. I have really struggled coming to terms with the fact that he chose to go into a private room with another woman. Im not saying im right or wrong to feel that way but thats the way I feel.

Now hes watching porn and for all I know hes doing god knows what. How do I as a person deal with this? He doesn't know that I know and I don't want to tell him as it will prob end in a huge fight as he couldn't understand why I didn't want him with the lap dancer even though I had asked him not to do it and how I feel about it.

The bottom line is I feel like a piece of ****, like im not enough for him, and that even though he says he loves me I can't understand how you can love someone and then watch porn. Maybe the way I see things is different but I could never even think of another man other than him let alone be turned on. I don't get it and he knows that it upsets me. I can't make him stop watching porn and I probably don't have a right to, but the thing is is that I cant handle it! I can't live with the fact that he has to watch porn when he has me. Our sex life is good and I would just about try anything because I love him and I want to enjoy sex with him as he is probably the only man I have ever enjoyed sex with. He seems to enjoy our sex life as well so why does he have to look at porn. The only conclusion I can come to is that he loves me in a way but sexually im not enough and he obviously doesn't fancy me.

Is there any point in continuing this marriage? I don't want to have sex with him anymore, I don't want to kiss him, I don't want to be intimate anymore. When we have sex how can I be sure hes not thinking about the *****s hes watching on the computer and wishing he was with one of them instead. I feel so betrayed, hes knows what im like and how I feel about this kind of thing but he doesn't give a ****. He wants to watch porn I can't make him stop because even if he did stop hes still done it. I will not trust h from now on neither. I lost a lost of trust for him when he went to the lap dancer but this is on another level. Hes doing it at home on the computer he bought me to do a degree.

Whether what im saying is right or wrong, its how I feel and I honestly believe that if you are in a relationship you shouldn't be looking at porn masterbating. You shouldnt have to? Does anyone think there is anyway I can deal with this ? Or should I just walk away before I end up making his life a misery because of the way I feel. I know a lot of it is down toy insecurities but he also knows the way I am! Why did he bother marrying me?

[xx1234xx]

Please give me some advice!

[xx1234xx]

I don't know why I decided to trust another man again after what ive been through before, this is all my own fault. I thought I had actually found an honest man who really loved me for who I was, warts and who had the same values as me but I was wrong. I feel very stupid. I wish my ex had killed me and done the job right lol

[AmoreSmore]

Okay, I'm going to be blunt with you.

First off, I think you saying that you could never ever find another man sexually attractive is incorrect. Think of every movie star, brad Pitt, Ryan gosling, mark whalberg, bin disel or whoever. You want to tell me that you honestly don't find a single man on the planet attractive anymore simply because you have a ring on your finger?

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to get you to be honest here.

My husband and I both watch porn together and I don't care if he watches it alone.

Guess what porn is? A fantasy! Men's imagination isn't as good as ours, when they want to have "alone time" they often turn to porn to get their motor running. I'm sure he doesn't turn to porn every time. But I just don't understand what's so betrayal about porn. I guess it might just be your past but I think you are blowing things way out of proportion here. Your talking about divorce because he watched some dirty videos. Porn is just a fantasy just like you watch a horror movie to be scared. Just bc you enjoy a horror movie doesn't mean you think Freddie is going to jump out from under your bed later. It's just pretend.

And just bc he watches porn doesn't mean he "wishes he was with that other woman". Worst case scenario he's thinking "hey that looks fun I wish I could do that with my wife" because your the one he's actually having sex with. And to say he must not find you attractive bc of porn is silly. I love my dog but I still look at puppies in the pet store. Do I want to replace my dog? No but the puppies sure are cute and fun to play with. When I go home do I think man I should get rid of my dog so I can get one of those puppies. Um no. Because it doesn't work like that.

You really need to calm down and stop turning this into insults against you and taking it as a personal affront to your marriage. The average guy looks at porn even when he is totally happy in his relationship. It doesn't mean anything. Your the one taking it to mean so much bad stuff when all it really means is that he wanted to see some boobs bounce around while he had some fun alone time and you weren't around. It's not like he's turning down sex with you in preference to watching porn. I personally just don't see the huge insult to you, your attractiveness, or your marriage. It's just a guy watching a fantasy movie about sex. If its that big a deal to you then maybe you should be with someone very religious who thinks porn is sinful bc like I said the average guy will watch porn it's not a reflection of his relationship.

[rcoreyus]

To me, porn is a problem if he is watching instead of being intimate with you. This is a problem for many women, I don't know if this is a problem here. If he is only watching porn when you are not available, then I do not see that as a huge issue. Many porn sites create popups for online dating, hook-up etc sites, so if that is the ONLY reason you suspect him then I don't think you should worry. The porn has nothing to do with you. Porn is a sex-aid for men the way vibrators or some erotica is for some women. Of course if either of those starts replacing intimacy there is a big problem.

The lap-dance is more worrisome to me since it involves contact with another woman. If he was with other men, it is possible it was just social pressure on him to behave as expected at a bachelor party. Do you know if he has done anything like this some other time?

I expect you will get other opinions on this, there is a LOT of disagreement on the significance of porn.

Have you ever watched porn yourself?

[trcklvr8504]

Like rcoreyus said above, there are MANY opinions about porn. I enjoy it occasionally and my husband and I will watch it together sometimes but he tends to take it to another level. Essentially he will watch porn and masturbate on any given day that I don't fulfill his needs. I have told him before that he makes me feel like sex to him is just the end result regardless of how he gets it and it devalues how special sex is between he and I. He has reassured me and said that it's not like that at all for him, sometimes he just needs the release in order to settle down at night. When I first caught him/realized how much he was going to these websites I was really hurt cause I had some of the same feelings you expressed (wishing I was doing things he saw online, comparing me to them, etc.). I sorted through my feelings though and had a talk with him. He didn't realize how upset it made me. Now that doesn't mean he has stopped watching it completely, but I am aware of his needs and he is aware of how I feel about it and tries to include me.

Anyway, I am more or less saying that you really need to talk with your husband before making any life-changing decisions. Communication is HUGE in marriage, especially when there is lost trust. If it's something you truly don't think you can gain back and move on from then you have a choice to make, but you need to at least talk to him. You can start simple and ask him about the porn and tell him you saw it in the viewing history or that a pop-up came up. Just try to keep from having an attacking tone or he may not feel like he can be honest about it and that will make you more upset and the goal is to discuss where you are both coming from and find common ground.