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Vicious sex cycle....need help

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  • Vicious sex cycle....need help

    I apologize in advance for this being so long but I figure to get the helpful responses I am hoping for I have to put it all out there. Advice from anyone is greatly appreciated but I would really like feedback from some men so I can see the other side.

    My husband and I (both 28) have been married for 4.5 years and were together for almost 3 years before that. We have 2 children (a 2 year old and an 8 week old). I am still currently on maternity leave but will return to work part time next month. My husband is a fire fighter and works in 48 hour shifts.

    I would most describe our sex problems as a viscous cycle. My husband and I have not been on the same page with sex for several years. While he would like it if we could have sex every day, I would be happy with once, maybe twice, a week. Not only do we have what I call a quantity issue, it's also quality. I am fine with the usual vanilla encounters and OK with a little roughness, dirty talk, experimentation occasionally.

    My husband on the other hand would prefer the opposite. He regularly wants oral, dirty talk, outfits, pictures, videos, bondage, rough sex, various positions, anal, role playing, etc. He now needs dirty talk it seems and the pure fact that he NEEDS it sort of turns me off. I also struggle with him wanting to dominate me or call me names cause I feel like it's so disrespectful. He also watches porn regularly. I enjoy porn myself and don't have a problem with occasional viewing but he watches it almost daily and I feel like it is changing his expectations about sex. I am all for keeping things from getting stale but I also refuse to be treated like a porn star (which is sometimes how he makes me feel). He says that I have changed (not wanting sex all the time like when we first met) but doesn't seem to acknowledge that he has changed as well (wanting variety to an extreme and in my opinion porn-like scenes regularly).

    The other side to this is that he wants me to WANT to have sex with him. I tell him he can't have it both ways; he can't want sex 7 days a week but also only want to have sex when I want it. I am trying to please him already but that isn't enough, I have to also act like I want it too...which just makes it even more of a chore than it can already feel like.

    Also, I don't like to swallow; I hate how it tastes and have a horrible gag reflex. I still perform oral though and try or let him release on my face which he really likes, but I can't stand. I send him pictures and buy outfits and have done a video but it never seems to be enough. He loves anal which we have done but not recently since one of our experiences was very painful for me. It was so painful that he said he would never ask again but as time has passed he has started asking again and seems to think that if we play with that area often enough I will get used to it and then it wouldn't be painful anymore. Over the past year while having sex his hand magically finds its way to that area. I don't immediately slap his hand away cause I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will know when to stop, but he never does. I hate to say this but I don't want to get used to it! I don't want to do all these things so often that he thinks it is now the norm.

    He uses texting when we are apart from each other to make his requests or let it be known that he is craving something specific. I feel like he is always in want of something...if we have vanilla sex on Monday then I know that I should have non-vanilla sex with him on Wednesday or Thursday in hopes to keep the texts/requests at bay. If he isn't asking for more in quantity he is asking for something else in quality...like I can't ever keep him satisfied. OR if I fulfill a request, instead of satisfying a need, he only wants it more, so I feel like why do I even bother if there is no relief and it makes me resentful and sex just feels like a chore I am adding to the list of things I already have to do in a day.

    About every 6 months it all becomes an issue because I can't take all his requests and I snap. This is where the vicious cycle comes into play. I tell him that I wish he would stop asking cause it puts a sense of pressure on me to then make his request happen. He says that if he didn't ask then I would never have sex with him. 1: I know that to be a complete exaggeration because I keep track to make sure that we never go any longer than a week. 2: He asks so often that I never get the chance to do it on my own. His texts are so frequent that I could be at work feeling good and wanting to have sex when I get home but then he texts me and the feeling is gone and all that is left is immediate anger. Once I get home my options are either to ignore his request which just reinforces in his mind that we never have sex OR I feel forced to have sex which also reinforces that we only have sex when he asks for it.

    Anyway, after I snap and we have our little talk I agree to try harder to meet his needs and he agrees to back off a little with his requests. The problem is that after a few weeks he has already returned to his old habits and is texting again. I feel like he thinks his not asking for sex is this huge accomplishment while I am stressing and making actual efforts to make sure I am doing a decent job at keeping up with his needs.

    I don't want to use the excuse that couples have less sex once they get married and have kids but I cannot get him to see that all the things he wants are not normal in a marriage either. Every once in a blue moon he will acknowledge that maybe he has a problem but it doesn't last long and I am left feeling like the one who has the problem: that I am a prude and I can't satisfy my husband. I have read Jon Does forum on 30 Days of Sex and considered it in hopes that maybe it will change my outlook on sex but I am worried that it will just put more pressure on me and I will get more resentful. I want to enjoy sex with my husband without it feeling like a chore but am at odds with just giving him whatever he wants also.

    Advice please...I had some healing issues from my recent delivery, but just got the OK to have sex and would love to not start the same patterns all over again. He has already been texting and not let off much since delivery but I would love to start off on the right foot.

  • Jon Doe's thread was awesome!

    I've had issues similar to him and your husband. For me it was mostly quantity. My wife would not agree to 30 days. It's just too much for her. What eventually took our marriage to a place that it had never been to in terms of pleasure for both of us, increased frequency, and all around better attitudes was scheduling. There's been discussion of it in the secret lounge for more established members. I've been hesitant to discuss it out here because it's sort of private, people were supportive, but didn't really receive it well, and I just didn't get around to it. Based on the response I didn't think it would help people much - not because it's not great, but because it sounds bad and people wouldn't be willing to try.

    I know it sounds unromantic, but it has been the opposite for us. Romance has increased. There is almost no way our relationship is not better. I thought I'd suggest it because you might be able to kill two birds with one stone. Maybe one night a week can be the "freaky night", one can be your day, and then you can schedule 1 or 2 other nights when you will be together during the week. That way your frequency will meet somewhere in the middle, and you'll both get some of what you want. It's just a thought.

    It would require compromise from both of you. Whatever you do will, because you can't push someone into something that hurts them or disgusts them and expect a happy life. At the same time, relationships are all about doing unselfish things to please someone else. I wish you the best.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


    • This is a difficult situation: he wants very different things form sex than you do. He wants hard domineering somewhat kinky sex. You want lovemaking. If he just wanted an occasional fantasy satisfied, I'd suggest that you do it, but he frequently wants things the you don't like and in some cases find painful. He keeps hoping that you will become ever more willing to do a variety of "kinky" stuff. You keep hoping that he will become happy with more vanilla stuff.

      I don't think compromise will work well: what he wants and what you want seem to be very far apart. I get the impression that if you really did everything he wanted it would include a lot of things that you don't like. At the same time he clearly doesn't want just vanilla sex. My wife and I have a similar difference but to a much smaller extent, so we can find a wide variety of things that we both like, and only have to avoid a few of the things that the kinkier one of us likes.

      Blame is irrelevant - people want what they want - I don't think you can ask why someone has a particular fetish and get a meaningful answer. His interests are further from the norm, so privately you can blame him as much as you want, but it won't do any good to try to convince him of that.


      You can always try counseling. Maybe a professional will have better suggestions than random voices on the internet (good bet that....)

      You can have an open marriage where he can find other women (men or small furry animals) who share his interests.

      You can ask for a divorce based on the idea that you are too far apart in desires to have a happy sex life together.

      You can alternate what each of you want, where he is bored half the time, and you are feeling miserable and degraded (and maybe in pain) the other half.

      You can avoid sex with him - this will probably turn into an effectively open marriage.

      None of these are good. I wish I had a better suggestion to offer. Its a very difficult situation and I don't know what to suggest.


      • My first thought is that your husband does have a significant problem--possibly an addiction. That he cannot seem to control his behavior to the point of disregarding his wife's wishes and needs suggests a breakdown in his thinking. Daily use of porn and, presumably, masturbation along with the unceasing demands for you to perform for him is not "normal."

        What happens when you refuse?

        When did you notice the change in him? What was going on in his life then? Does he suffer from depression or anxiety?


        • I think its an important question whether he "wants" these things, or "insists" on these things. In general though "normal" is problematic to define in sexuality.


          • I agree with rcoreyus. I think there's a lot to be sorted through and a professional counselor may be the best to help you do that.


            • Thank you everyone for your responses. I have actually suggested Stillness' approach and my husband seemed quite open to it. Since requesting a vanilla night for myself once a week isn't really a hardship for him I have requested more thoughtfulness or helping out around the house from him more since I think it will help me find him more "attractive" and maybe make me want to have more sex in general without having it feel like a chore.

              In regards to the suggestion of counseling, I have brought t up with him before when we have gotten really bad with this subject and he doesn't seem to think we need it. If I remember his words correctly he had said he didn't think we were that uncompatible in this area and he suggested that if I thought counseling was needed it made him question our entire relationship. I never brought it up again but have considered going on my own, but have never followed through cause I feel like I would have to hide it from him and I'm not sure I can do that.

              In response to what happens when I turn him down, he doesn't really do anything. If I turn him down on sex all together him resorting to porn is a given. If I turn down one of his advances for something specific we continue with vanilla and porn is avoided but I feel like he is keeping a mental tally of how many times I tell him no.

              I can't really recall when things really changed. I think I pinpoint it to when we moved in together and it has just escalated since then. He doesn't have a problem with depression or anxiety. If I had to describe my husband as a certain type it's more like he needs to be the best at everything physically. He wants to look like the Ryan Reynolds and Mark Gosling's of the world which he still has a ways to go but is working on it. He definitely associates his fitness with my wanting to have sex, like if he looked like them I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him and we would do it every night like when we met/before we moved in together.


              • That guy needs to go off porn, stat.

                I would have him search some of those "no porn for 90 days" websites and follow one of those plans.
                Pigeonholer extraordinaire!


                • I'm sure everyone will tell you that it's normal in "lust" love at the beginning to want sex all the time and then, especially after a baby, happy with it, less and less.

                  What concerns me is respect. I appreciate that you are trying to compromise and that you love your husband but expecting you to act out, over his porn fantasies, to Such a degree, level because you are his wife.. I think is unfair .

                  I am all for compromise and trying new things, funny enough once you have “intimate” sex, not rough, intimate you do bond again with your partner and are happy to have more, but he’s not asking for love, he’s asking for play.

                  I think you need to sit down and make him realise that you love him and are happy to compromise but that his porn is now a problem and from that he is putting you under a lot of pressure.

                  Anything can be addictive. Porn very much is so.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                  • Thanks for the update! So often people just don't bother. Please let us know how continues to go.
                    "Those sowing seed with tears
                    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


                    • Originally posted by trcklvr8504 View Post
                      Since requesting a vanilla night for myself once a week isn't really a hardship for him I have requested more thoughtfulness or helping out around the house from him more since I think it will help me find him more "attractive" and maybe make me want to have more sex in general without having it feel like a chore.
                      I've been posting on these boards for a few years now and I've yet to see where trading more help around the house has translated into more enthusiasm for sex by the person wanting sex the least in a relationship. It does take the issue about unevenness in the relationship off of the table, though.

                      Your situation about sex is not unique. There are a lot of cases that are similar to yours posted and there are a lot of cases where the roles are reversed posted. Some are posted by the partner who wants sex the most, others are posted by the partner that wants sex the least. Longer term relationships seem to be common. This is probably because shorter term relationships break up more often when sexual incompatibility is encountered, thus ending the problem. Almost always there is at least one partner who won't compromise and often won't listen to input from others.

                      I hope what Stillness found as a solution will be useful to you. Good luck.
                      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                      • Yes, please keep updating. I, for one, really enjoy reading the progress, or lack of, with the situations here. Thanks!


                        • I'm really torn on the horny mate getting more sex when they do more housework. A few months ago I would have said it's not so. But I recall a study being done saying that it is. It wasn't a dramatic increase...once more a month if I remember correctly. But, if a couple is having sex only a few times every month, that can be substantial.

                          In my case housework was a complaint early on in our marriage. When I complained about sex my wife would complain about an imbalance with housework. It drove me up a wall.

                          Eventually I responded by doing more. Our sexlife was still lacking. It felt like a carrot on a stick. This made me more resentful when I realized it. I concluded that housework and sex were unrelated, just like I always thought. But i also realized that my wife is not my slave or my mother. Besides that, I started to like the independence of cooking my own food and appreciating a cleaner house. Over the years the situation has progressed to the point where I actually do most of the housework. It's insane.

                          Does my wife appreciate it? Absolutely! Do we have more sex? WAY more! Am I a believer? I don't know. Correlation does not equal causation. There are a lot of moving parts in a relationship. But I do more housework and I have more sex. Go figure.
                          "Those sowing seed with tears
                          Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


                          • I like the statement, "correlation does not equal causation".
                            I think part if is our love language...oh lord, did I really just refer to a self-help book? Yes, I think I did...

                            A friend of mine is very deeply touched by her boyfriend doing things for her. Once, without request, he took her car for detailing, hired a maid to clean the house top to bottom & ordered dinner. When she came home from work on a Saturday evening, she was blushing, according to him, and very touched by his thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness. To him, he just paid someone to do some work. To her, that was about 6-8 hours of work that she no longer had to do...it was a relief to her to have a clean home, clean car & dinner cooked, and she could relax the rest of that evening, and on her Sunday off...watching football...with HIM....I never heard any details about that Sunday evening, but from the goofy looks on both their faces, I can imagine. He told me he HATES doing those things. She always carries more weight around the house, and he isn't willing to give more...so this was his way of telling her (in my opinion) that he appreciates it, it isn't unnoticed & I enjoy the benefits of all you do too.

                            I think it's a matter of giving...thinking of what would mean something to our partner rather than what means something to ourselves. What my girlfriend's mate did meant absolutely nothing to him-just spending some money...but he recognized that it would mean something to her. I don't even think he had any motives to achieve a sexual reward, but I think when most women are esteemed, valued (our time, efforts, & contributions) they reciprocate by speaking most men's love language, which is sex.

                            Now, in fairness, I think men long for that same consideration but are much more subtle about it.



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