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Marrying the right man?

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  • Marrying the right man?

    I am dating a GOOD MAN. I didn't think they existed, but the it seems the universe decided I deserved one after putting up with so much psycho bull**************** from guys. I want to marry this man and he feels the same way. We live together, yada yada. My question is - how can I ensure he doesn't change into a douchebag and cheat on me when were forty and have kids? My mother and father loved each other when they were first married ... But then my dad cheated on her 25 years in and they divorced. It shook our lives. I've grown up surrounded by failed marriages and I just don't want to wind up that way. How can I make sure my good man stays good to me??

  • To have a long marriage you and he have to be willing to put up with each others idiosyncrasies. You both have to work on compromising. You both have to be loving. You both have to be sexual with the other at least to some degree unless both agree not to be.

    Have you ever came up with any ideas as to why your father cheated? Did he come home everyday after work (I'm assuming he worked) to a loving and beautiful family and all of a sudden started cheating or was there other parts to it?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • jns has some good advice and asks some good questions. Some people just won't do right no matter how good they have it, but often it takes two to tango.

      You can't make anyone do anything, but you can be wise in your choice of man and be good yourself. There's no guarantee, but your chances are way higher of sticking it out mostly happily.
      "Those sowing seed with tears
      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


      • There are no guarantees in life. If he is a good man and he makes you happy and you love him, then you can marry him. If you stay happy together there is a good chance he will not cheat.

        Without knowing the full story (which you never do with parents) is impossible to know why things happened.


        • It's true there are no guarantees. I believed I had one of the good ones. People change. I believe my ex developed or had a worsening of some mental illness that contributed to our marriage failing. We just cannot possibly foresee all the potential bumps in the road.

          All I can say is guard yourselves. Build a strong bond reinforced with communication, honesty and trust.


          • The one thing I would like to say to you is, do NOT view what happened to your parents, or too other people you know as what will occur in life to you. That is asking for your relationship to be doomed.

            I would suggest that you didn't feel there was anyone out there that wasn't a cheater or would not make you go through psycho .............. But, at some stage, you viewed your parents marriage of 25 years and said it does exist and I do deserve it and as such, someone worth while of what you are looking for has come into your life.

            I know I am in love. I know he would never cheat. I know because "you know". It's called actually finding your soul
            mate and being happy.


            • I've heard it said that we will have three marriages in our lifetime. The first is based on our fantasies of who we want to be and who we want our spouse to be. At some point, through a traumatic event like infidelity or the slow revelations of life, we come the discover the reality of who we and our spouse really are. This is the second marriage.

              The second marriage can end in divorce and, using the wisdom gained, be carried forward to build a new marriage with a different person. Or, if we can love the person and ourself as we really are, we build the third marriage with that same person. This third marriage can be wonderful but it relies on a higher level of intimacy rooted in genuine honesty and ACCEPTING each other AS THEY REALLY ARE--faults and all.

              This means letting each other be open and honest with each other about EVERYTHING without a bunch of shame, guilt and recriminations. It also means making reasonable efforts to meet the needs of your spouse even when doing so does nothing for you--or is even a sacrifice.

              My point is that you can avoid the disappointment and trauma of losing your first fantasy marriage and the slog of the second marriage and jump rapidly to an honest and intimate third marriage by creating an environment of honesty, openness and acceptance BEFORE you get married.

              What that requires is putting the relationship on the line by creating a safe environment and then inviting your fiance to lay everything on the table--his thoughts, fantasies, secrets, fears, EVERYTHING.

              How difficult that is to do will depend on your respective relationship history and personalities.

              Consider some pre-marital counseling to help you through it.

              Good luck


              • **pollon that was great advice and wonderful to read



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