[Hurtwifee]

I know I'm young and don't know a lot about life or being married, but I do know that marriage is supposed to be about trust and loyalty to one another. I'm only 21 and my fiancé is 22, so I know age or lack of energy to have sex is not the problem. I first noticed he would watch porn when we first started dating ,and for some reason or another or maybe my lack of trust due to past relationships, i looked through his web history. I told his straight out that I didn't like it and I wanted him to stop, and he said okay that he would. But as months go by, he just can't seem to stop despite all the numerous times I've asked him to stop. He knows it bothers me, I cry for hours when I find out he's been watching porn and lies to me about it. I've read so much about it, I know the situation won't get better unless he admits he has a problem which he won't, and I'm just honestly so confused and hurt right now. I recently found out I'm expecting a little before thanksgiving. I thought that would change things. It's something we've talked about and something we both wanted. But thanksgiving I walk into the restroom to brush my teeth while he's in there and I can't him looking at naked pictures of girls. There's been now four other occasions in which I catch him looking at these websites and it just seems like it's getting worse with everyday that my belly is growing. I even went to the extremes of putting an app that reports every website he goes on but even then he found a way around it. He knows it hurts my feelings, it brings down my self esteem so why does he do it. I have a daughter already so I know I don't look like the girls he fantasizes about and I know he has a thing for big boobs and I've even considered getting surgery because I'm so self conscious about myself. But I know this is wrong, I shouldn't have to feel this way. I know I'm not ugly, I was a size 0 before I started gaining baby weight, so I know there's no need for him to be fantasizing about other girls. I've asked him repeatedly to admit he has a problem so we could get him help but he won't. I've cried to him so many times about how this makes me feel and it just seems like he doesn't care or even love me because if he did, he would change his ways for me. I've even asked him to leave me if I'm not what he wants instead of going behind my back and hurting me. I've read so much about this in just the past few weeks because I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. I know it's not as bad as the situations other women are in, but still, there's shouldn't be any kind of "situation" at all. We're starting a family together and I would hate for this to end on something as meaningless and stupid as this. But how can I trust someone who lies about not watching it and even goes as far as accusing me as the person who planted those websites on his history. How do I sea with this situation? What should I do? Please someone just help me.

[rcoreyus]

Does he turn you down for sex and use porn instead, or does he only watch porn when you are not available for sex?

You will see a wide range of opinions on porn here. I think everyone will agree that someone who watches porn instead of being intimate with their partner has a serious problem.

Most people fantasize and masturbate - even when they have partners. It is not unusual for men to use porn for this. That doesn't mean that you need to accept it - it is up to you what you will accept in your relationship, but it isn't particularly unusual.

Other than the porn issue, is your sex life good for both of you?

[Pinklemonade]

Your situation sounds awful. I hate to be the cynical commenter but I would dump him ASAP. I understand that might be hard to do because you need to financially support your daughter and new baby, but if theres a way you can get out of this relationship safely, I think you should do it. There are men out there who 1. Don't have porn addictions, 2. Respect you, 3. Don't need to be told to respect you. Seriously I've dealt with men worse than this and experience has taught me that this dude isn't going to change. You might think that in some ways the porn problem is "meaningless and stupid," but it isn't. He isn't showing any respect for you and he wont start anytime soon. And it clearly is tearing you apart - it would tear me apart!! You don't have to live like this! You deserve to be happy and trust the man you're with. Some might think I'm an extremist because I have ZERO tolerance for bull**** from men, but once I decided that I didn't deserve to tolerate any disrespect whatsoever ... the right man fell into my lap.

[atskitty2]

I agree largely with rcoreyus here. I am not sure you are dealing with an addiction just yet-what you describe leaves that open (to me).
Bottom line here as far as I'm concerned, is that you both have very different views on this, and it doesn't seem like there's much meaningful communication going on.
I am bothered that he said he'd stop, and didn't. He probably never had intended to.
Your emotions are so high that you probably aren't thinking completely clearly and communicating anything but those emotions. Crying and all those demonstrated emotions can be hard for some men to see.

Try keeping the discussion fact-based, logical and TALK about your thoughts and feelings without being wrecked by them (if you are). Remember there is nothing "wrong" with your point of view, but there also may be nothing "wrong" with his. You just see this differently.

Please realize, I am not suggesting you change your perspective or weaken your conviction on the matter. Communication and understanding on both sides may help this become a workable disagreement rather than destroying your marriage.

[atskitty2]

**can be hard for some men to see past**

[rcoreyus]

It is quite likely that his watching porn doesn't have anything to do with you, that he doesn't find you inadequate in any way, porn is just a masturbation aid like a vibrator. Many men are embarrassed by their use of porn so I'm not surprised he lied about stopping.

I completley agree with atskitty2 - think and discuss this calmly. Don't get into the situation where you are "insisting" that he stop watching porn and he feels that you have no right to force him to do so. This sort of thing can escalate into a disaster. If after calmly discussing and thinking about it, you decide you don't want to be with someone who watches porn, that is fine.

[Pollon]

Like alcohol and drug addiction, this is form of self-medicating that people use to deal with life. Unfortunately, it often becomes a coping mechanism that interferes with life rather than helping manage it.

From your experience and research you know that he has a serious problem with porn. He is putting his relationship at risk to get is "fix." There's a good chance he is putting his education and/or job in peril as well by using at work and/or wasting time.

The stress of a new child is likely going to increase his usage.

That he knows about the website tracking software and your feelings about his usage yet persists suggests he's really hooked.

Addicts often resort to manipulation when caught by blaming others, denial and rationalizing.

While many people have no moral objection to porn (like pot or drinking), I think everyone here would agree that overuse, dependence and addiction to any of them is likely to be a disaster for the user and their family.

I would suggest you seek out a group like Al-anon that help those around addicts deal with the issue even if the addict won't. From there you will see what you can expect should you decide to stay with him.

Good luck

[rcoreyus]

There are lots of threads here on porn - clearly people have widely differing opinions. Maybe they the can be stated as either:

1: He knows that porn seriously bothers you and the fact that he refuses to give it up means that either he doesn't care about you or he is addicted.

or

2: He has a right to use porn as a masturbation aid when you are not available for sex, and it isn't reasonable for you to ask him to stop.


In either case, I expect he will keep watching. You need to decide if you can be happy with someone who watches porn, or if you want to leave.

[Hurtwifee]

Thank you everyone for the feedback. I'm just confused right now and I feel like if I react on my emotions, I'll end up making the wrong decision. The last time he watched it "supposedly" was the last time I caught him which was New Years, but if he's lied to me numerous times before, how am I supposed to believe that was the last time he actually watched it. The damage is already done, I don't trust him. I feel as if he's always looking for ways to look at other girls either naked or half naked. Silly as it sounds, we haves netflix account for our daughter, and I look at some of the recent movies watched and all of them have half naked girls as the covers. Why would he choose these movies out of all the other hundreds available to watch? It's not fair to me that I have to love this way, not trusting the person you love is seriously the most painful, horrible thing to have to love with everyday. If it isn't his phone history I'm checking than it's the history on our tv internet, and it shouldn't have to be this way. I was perfectly trusting of him before I knew the extent of his problem. Now I just feel hurt, disgusted, and I have no desire to have sex with him as I feel he compares me to these girls he masturbates to and I even go to the extent of thinking that he's thinking about all these girls whenever he closes his eyes when we're being intimate. I love my fiancé but living like this is just eating me up inside.

[rcoreyus]

Is there any evidence he has been cheating with other women, or is he just looking at pictures / movies?

I suspect your choices are to accept that he watches porn, or to leave. I don't think you will be able to convince him to really stop - and if he enjoys it so much he would just resent that anyway.

"right" and "wrong" really don't matter here. You can "blame" him completely if you want, and many people would agree with you, but it doesn't change anything .He is apparently content with he situation as it is. You have the choice to leave if you want, and can do so with a clear conscience.