[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's such a hot topic.

Anyone with any addiction hides behind it, "I'm not addicted" ..

I know you don't want to hear this part but low self esteem also gives us a sense of false security where other women are concerned. Let's face it they / we are everywhere. We dress up, down, shirt skirts, low tops, classy, un-classy, what ever we desire and in that, men look. Pending on their "type". How far do we go with feeling in-secure? Especially, if he speaks to a girl that is attractive and he smiles or the new girl at work.

Lying is different. When someone lies, there is no trust how do you get over that?

It's important to point it out, to be fair to see facts from fiction to be confident and to know that inner knowledge of "try it and seeya" no matter what you think love is.. often it's a mask of "wanting to be in love".

Point I am trying to make is this. I agree lying is wrong, my worse pet peeve. I need to trust. But, I've been around porn in relationships, I got the understanding that men are men, to experience dark, blonde, short, tall, what ever without "cheating" on their other half, just an interest coupled with not enough sex, or no sex and then it's hard to break, because it's quick, easy and to a flavour so to speak.

Where porn perhaps is non-acceptable "to me" is when the relationship is strong, loving and real there should be no reason if there is an understanding, compromise of sexual relations that it is not just horny sex or intimate but sometimes a bit "different" that goes for both sides.

I don't think it ever works totally. It would be like those "two" people together have to be so instinct with each other sexually but it can work well.

[Stillness]

I thought that would change things.

When people have problems like this the change has to come from the inside.

It's always interesting for me to read the women who are dealing with this, since I dealt with it from the other side. I was the husband sneaking around looking at pornography. When my wife found out she flipped. I was surprised at how adverse her reaction was. I had never seen her like that before.

In my mind, pornography and my marriage were two separate things. But it was actually the sexual relationship (or the lack of one) in my marriage that drove me to pornography. My wife and I were both very busy, but her even more so. We were both working full time and she was in school getting her masters. So, she was exhausted and didn't have much time or energy for me. I understood that, but had gotten married largely to have a healthy sex life. I figured pornography and masturbation could fill the gap until things got on track. I didn't think that this was betraying her or my vow. Maybe it was bending things a little, but so was the lack of sex.

My views are very different now. That time was different, too. I had one VHS video tape that I was watching. Already, pornography was available on the internet, but it wasn't like it is now. I hadn't grown up in a time where it was so free and available in so many varieties. If I wanted a real sexually exciting experience, I had to turn to my woman. I never viewed it as a normal part of human sexuality like some in our culture do now, so it was easier for me to let it go. I viewed it more like the weed I smoked - something taboo and exciting that gave me a good feeling and that I used like a crutch to pass the time and let go of my problems. My faith eventually replaced that. It probably saved my marriage too.

Incidentally, part of my shock at my wife's reaction was because we had both watched pornography together when we were dating. She imagined that things had changed too. Your statement about thinking that things would change is what triggered that experience.

I don't know if that helps or not. There's another thread running concurrent to yours about a similar issue here: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...rned-help.html Besides that there are a lot of other threads of women dealing with problems feeling intimacy or experiencing it with a man abusing pornography all over this site. Use the search feature and you'll see them all over the place. It's a big issue that we face as a society - largely because people don't even recognize it as a problem. The other thing is that with drugs or alcohol abuse, there is often a more noticeable effect because the person can't hold down a job or is impaired. It's a lot harder to hide so loved ones don't have much choice but to address it. This is more private, so often only the mate knows. But here you can learn and see others' experiences and commiserate a little. There's strength in that.

Welcome!

[AllyKat420]

I actually went through something similar with my husband a while ago. We actually went to counselling to work through the issues. He would constantly lie about watching porn, and I would catch him is several ways. He's not tech savvy, so I was always able to find things out. What it came down to was my own insecurity about him getting off to someone else. In reality, it's a visual aid for masturbation and usually nothing else. I think it was the fact that he was lying that hurt more than the porn itself. You and your husband need to be honest with each other, and understand why each of you feels the way you do. If it is something you just cannot live with, then you can cross that bridge then.

Also, I just want to share this because it resonated with me. I was watching Louis C.K. on TV the other night and he was talking about how he loves Scarlett Johansen so much that "he won't even jerk off to her." It made me see that men don't actually want the women in porn, they are objectifying them. Your man is probably the same way. He loves and respects you (although he needs to understand that respect requires honesty, and the lying has to stop). He is probably keeping things from you to spare your feelings. This is how it turned out for me, and after some time I am completely over it. As long as he's not doing this while I'm home, and I'm his first choice, I've got no issue. Don't write off counselling as an option, it can do wonders to help you two understand each others' positions.

[jen1447]

Also, I just want to share this because it resonated with me. I was watching Louis C.K. on TV the other night and he was talking about how he loves Scarlett Johansen so much that "he won't even jerk off to her." It made me see that men don't actually want the women in porn, they are objectifying them. Your man is probably the same way. He loves and respects you (although he needs to understand that respect requires honesty, and the lying has to stop). He is probably keeping things from you to spare your feelings. This is how it turned out for me, and after some time I am completely over it. As long as he's not doing this while I'm home, and I'm his first choice, I've got no issue. Don't write off counselling as an option, it can do wonders to help you two understand each others' positions.

That's actually a really interesting observation, and I think there's a lot of truth there. It does seem a little cloudy tho in application ....for example the BF masturbates to me a lot (it's sometimes part of sex play games, sometimes just because I'm not there and he's horny for me, etc.), and those times are definitely 'love-based,' but I definitely see the point about the impersonal nature of porn masturbation just to satisfy a physical need and that you wouldn't do it within that context for someone you have tangible feelings for and an association with. (In other words, you might say that the BF masturbates to me because he loves me, he's not using me as a vessel to simply get off.) I guess the distinction then would be that masturbation itself is not what is sexually utilitarian, but the porn part.

[polly95]

my husband has a sex addiction and so i knew as soon as i was his gf/wife that i had to make myself available or he might go to other things like porn or affairs. he got fired from a job for masterbaring at the job (before i met him). so we have arrangements like i go to his work at lunch to be in his locked office. and at home i wear his favourite things. so just do things so he has no reason to do anything dangerous etc