[jns]

how much are you allowed to talk to other men?

we have a backyard pool which i'm always around and there is a single dad and his 2 sons next door, i think they are age 15 and 18 and their dad is older etc. and they talk to me all the time. their dad works from home and is leaning over the fence talking a lot when i'm at the pool. and his sons plays sports in their backyard and talk to me when their ball goes over

i like them all but is it ok or should i stop going outside as much?

There is no problem talking with a neighbor.

[polly95]

There is no problem talking with a neighbor.

thanks! its fun because i have no job yet so home a lot lol.

I'll side with the "don't like the sound of this" crowd here, with some other concerns ....

Are you and/or your husband aware that his 'checking' of your vagina without your consent is a borderline felony criminal offense? I say borderline because the permission part sounds cloudy (it sounds like you didn't really say no or tell him to stop), but sexual assault is almost always a felony. That means he could go to jail for doing that.

From the common sense and decency point of view, him being your husband in no way gives him the authority to do that or have some sort of 'full' access to your body at all times. I wouldn't tolerate that in practice or even a hint of that attitude if I were you, polly.

my girlfriend said exactly what you said so when she said it was illegal i just told her i was joking :/

Jen, sadly we seem to be a "crowd" of two. I really hope more people will chime in. I may just be overly sensitive to any hint of "control" in marriage - which I take to be a equal and mutual arrangement.

That said, I'm not sure about the "felony" part. I think (and I think it is reasonable), that if you are married, there is a sort of implied consent IF (and I stress IF) you don't object. I fell that it is OK for me to come up behind my wife and grab her and start kissing her on the neck, and perhaps other things, as long as she doesn't indicate in some way that she wants me to stop. That would clearly be assault if I did it to some random woman.

That said, I would not tolerate any sort of "control" in a relationship. "Agreement" is fine, but to me that is a different thing. If a couple "agrees" on what contact each can have with others, that's perfectly OK. Its when one is "told" what contact they can have that I worry.

my husband makes me gasm from his 'checks' so i think its ok. its unexpected but i do enjoy it so i guess its consent.

I've been pausing rcoreyus, trying to decide what to say here. There are definitely some boundary issues with Polly (in my opinion) and any number of other potentially unhealthy dynamics to this relationship.

Reading her other posts, there just seems to be something under the surface that isn't quite right.

The age difference in itself, doesn't bother me, BUT, there are so many things that this could indicate. Didn't she say somewhere that he was her teacher? Maybe I'm wrong on that...
So much here.....

he was my teacher but we were not lovers when he was teaching me. i think other girl students were even closer to him than me for examp one time he was in a doorway and a girl student squeezed between the doorway and him so her body pressed his a lot. i never did that i just stared a lot.

[polly95]

kitty makes 3 and I'm 4 with the genital checks and the workplace sex.

I do think that we should be careful not to impose our standards or what we think is the ideal on others, though. The fact is that while there may be a certain equality in many marriages, there is nothing that says it's required in every single aspect. If one mate is much wealthier, more experienced, has a greater intellectual capacity, one mate is caregiver to the other, or a number of other factors, there can be a degree of inequality. Some of that is going to exist in every marriage at some point if you're together long enough.

With him being twice her age and her former teacher, it's to be expected that theirs will not be a marriage of equals. That doesn't mean that it can't be loving and fulfilling.

i don't think i would ever have slept with a man if i was not with my husband. i was almost a lesbian after my first 2 bfs. it was so nightmarish :/

Was he her former teacher - I missed that. (more warning bells going off in my head).

On party being wealthier should not make a marriage unequal - in a marriage everything should be shared. Who had what before shouldn't matter. My wife was a lot wealthier them me when we married, now 25 years later I make a lot more than she does. It doesn't matter at all to us we just pool our money and share.

Partners in a marriage can be different, but an overall unequality really bugs me.

That said, people are free to live their lives as they wish. And I'm free to worry when they don't live them the way I would - which may be a sign if my not respecting other people's decisions....

thats ok i know my decisions are not too good sometimes. i use to go to a therapist and she said i should listen to the advice of elders more :s

[CheekyNess]

I'll also side with the "don't like the sound of this" crowd. For me, a bunch of red flags are being waved frantically here, and I don't know what disturbs me most. I'm also unsure if the between-the-legs-check-up is a felony, what with them being married, but if Polly doesn't consent to it, or if she objects plainly, and it still happens, I begin to think differently in regards to felony. No matter, it's still disturbing. As for massage therapists, anyone should be able to go see this sort of practitioner. I have back problems that result in some pretty major migraines. If I weren't "allowed" by my hubby to see a massage therapist, I would be in big trouble, health-wise! Age gaps are just that: age gaps. I think that as long as the 2 people are on the same page, heading the same direction in life, and on similar maturity levels, then all is fine. This situation doesn't really appear to be that way though.

[rcoreyus]

I don't see an age gap as fundamentally a problem, but I think it can be a symptom of a problem, and can lead to other problems. I think couples with a big age gap need to be very careful to make sure that it is a relationship with equal power, not one that feels more like parent / child. There are also potential late-life issues. (60 year olds can be very active, 85 year olds typically are not).


Gold diggers are different - if the arrangement is fundamentally financial, then that is a different issue and its OK for the "employer" to have the power, but that isn't what we are talking about here.

[ItsASecret]

How old are you polly95? And how long have you been with your husband?

This whole situation seems a bit of tale to me, just my opinion though. Checking underwear? Fondling without consent?

[jen1447]

Okay there seems to be some confusion about sexual assault ....being married would be immaterial, what matters is consent. So BF/GF could just as well have implied consent on sexual contact as husband/wife, and husband/wife could just as easily rape or assault each other as BF/GF (or strangers for that matter - what matters is if it's consensual).

Like I think I stated, that potential consent is what makes me uncertain about Polly's situation, but make no mistake - if she didn't consent, married or not, a vaginal examination would be a sexual assault and a felony. The courts would not look upon that favorably or mercifully or understandingly at all.

I like Stillness's account - he made it clear that contact was unacceptable. Polly should do the same (for the sake of her own dignity of nothing else), which would clearly render hubs' actions criminal if he continued with them.

[Fallen1]

............

we have a backyard pool which i'm always around and there is a single dad and his 2 sons next door, i think they are age 15 and 18 and their dad is older etc. and they talk to me all the time. their dad works from home and is leaning over the fence talking a lot when i'm at the pool. and his sons plays sports in their backyard and talk to me when their ball goes over

i like them all but is it ok or should i stop going outside as much?........

last year when we married/moved in together my husband said he and me should try nudism so i do sometimes.
its ok in the backyard so i done it 26 times this summer.......

I think I can see why there may be a hint of jealousy here on your husbands part when it comes to your male neighbors.

[Stillness]

She'd have to revoke consent. Marriage is unique in that it's inherently sexual. She's not resisting or protesting and even enjoys the probing. The rape/legal card shouldn't be brought anywhere near her situation. There's no indication that her husband is even slightly aggressive, let alone forceful.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What about a Nudist Beach? If people can see you in your back yard, your Husband has to fence the yard so that they can't. I can't see that as being smart, he should know better at his age.