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feel like everyone would rather i didnt exist

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  • feel like everyone would rather i didnt exist

    I took a load of pills yesterday. I smoked even though I have emphysema and have been a non smoker for over a year. Mainly because over the past 3-4 months I have lost connections with my mother, sister, niece, teen daughter and my husband has never really been interested in me. I have felt so alone for months and it doesn't feel like anyone understands how small and worthless I feel. I actually just landed my dream job, which is the first time I have worked in 10 years due to being the sole family coordinator. But I am losing it. I cant stand being invisible. And virtually every weekend my husband busies himself with god knows what and has actually said I should be thankful I get a half day with him every so often. He knows how badly him ignoring me affects me, how insecure it makes me, but shows no concern at all.
    After yesterday when my neighbour brought me home and explained what had happened to my hub, I guess I hoped he would see the pain I'd been feeling wasn't simply superficial and put some time in with me. But he swore a lot in the morning, quite angry that he had to choose between me and his labourer, in which he chose his labourer to spend the day with, working on MY mothers house mind you, as his own boss too. And I received no contact all day nor when he got home until I cried at him. He has regaled me with everything I do wrong to ruin our time together and how he cannot stand our conversations. He does what he wants when he wants, is ALWAYS late when we have a date or commitment and gets mad if I get frustrated with his tardiness. He has his own bank accounts and I have a small income to support our 3 children. I feel so lonely and I have told him this. I am very open with him but he is hard to get info out of. And he has his moments of being controlling socially, financially and time wise. How can I make my life liveable when I am not in a situation to pay rent for a place big enough for my girls and me? How can I block his neglectfulness towards me so it doesn't make me want to end my life. With no one to lean on, I cant see where I can get the strength from

  • What happened to make you lose connection with so much family?
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

    Comment


    • I looked back through your previous posts and what I see is that you've said he is a binge drinker, that you fear him hurting you, that he is a workaholic etc. etc. and that he doesn't always follow through with what he says to you. I don't ask why you are depressed I ask why not be depressed. The one thing that you must do for yourself is ensure that your children and you are safe, that you have enough cash to leave if need be and that you need a support system. People that will support you in whatever decisions you make.

      You need to know how much is in the bank accounts that you don't have access to. You need to know how much you have in assets. You need to know about educational account and retirement accounts. Once you know all this you are armed with vital information should push come to shove.

      The second thing you need to do is to get your self-confidence up. You need to get in a better frame of mind so that you can cope and deal with the stressors in your life. You may need a life-style coach or group to help you with this. But do not think for one moment that people don't want you around.

      You have a serious issue and I think you may be a candidate for professional help. Please talk to your doctor, tell him what you've said here and ask for help.
      That which we forget may as well never really happened.

      Comment


      • Exactly what Claret said. Get all of your ducks in a row, nail down a support system (the online one here is a great start). Going to see your doctor about how you feel is something you should definitely consider doing, and you may way to consider seeing a psychologist as well. They can offer new ways of looking at things that you may not be able to see. Also, the can offer really solid ideas and suggestions. Much luck to you, and I hope you feel better soon. Rest assured that you're not the only one who has felt like this, and you're not the only one with a husband who chooses not to hear you.

        Comment


        • I told my older sister that I wouldn't acknowledge her in my life any more as 20 years of watching over the animals and children she has then dumps has exhausted me. And I confronted my mother for abandoning me to live with her boyfriend when I was only 15 and telling me I was responsible for my junkie sister when I was only 17.
          Basically I spoke up after 20 years :/

          Comment


          • I don't understand. Your sister dumped the animals on you? What happened with your daughter? Did your mom disown you after you confronted her? I guess what I'm trying to understand is if there's any way you can reconcile. I just don't understand why 4 important people all dropped out of your life. It sounds like you still do have at least one more daughter?
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

            Comment


            • Tip to the guys: when women get this way, what we're not looking for is straight up answers to all our problems, especially in the form of a series of questions. That helps you to compartmentalize these issues in your mind, but not so much for us. We seek emotional resolution more than anything else, and that's far more nebulous - no a, b, c answers. The answers may not even make sense to anyone else, but we need to find our way thru the questions nonetheless, using our own process. These pleas tend to be moreso just "understand me" type statements, because that in itself can be comforting to us, even if we're not getting any real tangible help.

              What specifically worries me here tho is that I doubt we're really able to offer the amount of support this person needs, by the sound of things. So hon, I really really wish you would see your doctor, like Claret said. Please do that and keep us posted on how you are. We're a pretty stable community here, and we're not going anywhere, so you can always come here and lean on us too.
              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

              Comment


              • The only thing I disagree with above, is the order in which to do things. I suggest that you go to your doctor first, or a counselor/psychologist, asap-today. This will help you begin the process of putting your thoughts in order & formulate a plan for getting your life back on track! The fact that you self-medicated with pills & smoking is indicative that you are deeply depressed & you're likely unable to do what you need to do, without the support of an outside professional medical source. You're in a sort of self-destruct mode, and your thread's title suggests this as well. Reach out for help!!

                You have a lot going on, and no doubt, a lot more than you've mentioned here. It's understandable that you're having a moment of weakness, and breaking down. These things tend to accumulate over months & years, and you've just reached your breaking point. We all have a point at which we just can't hold up & survive any more.

                Until you can touch base w/a medical professional, focus on the positive steps you've taken recently. You just got a job, right? That's a big step, and your dream job, nonetheless.
                You stood up to family members who were taking advantage of you. That takes courage. You are strong, and you can get things back to a good place in your life.
                If your husband is abusive, or that potential is there, make sure you voice this to your doctor, counselor or whomever you speak to. In most communities, no matter how small, there are resources available, people to help if the need arises.

                Good luck, and as jen said, it's a safe place to vent here, but we're not a substitute for the professional support you need.

                Comment


                • anonymous101, are you just looking to vent or are you venting and wanting a little advice to go along with it?
                  "Those sowing seed with tears
                  Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                  Comment


                  • I gather your older sister was the 17 year old junkie that you were told to look after by your Mother. Sounds as if not much changed over those 20 years if she just abandoned her animals and her children. I also guess your Mother never reached out when you reached out to her for what she also did, leaving you to fend for your self, to move in instead with her boyfriend.

                    I can see why your children as so important to you. But I see two good things. 1) You are not like your Mother, you love your kids and will protect them and 2) You finally got it off your chest, by speaking out to both your Mother and your sister after all these years has taken a weight off of your shoulders.

                    I hope one day you can re-connect with them.

                    Taking a lot of pills and having a cigarette - 101, I want you to think what you wrote and I understood about your children. There will be light at the end of the tunnel and another tough journey, I understand that is hard . You have your dream job but not a dream husband, I guess in a way that's the next of this aweful situation for you to solve. But you need to live in order to solve that, you need to live for your children. And, you need to live for yourself.

                    It's been three years since you joined. And we are so pleased that you return when you need someone.

                    We were there then, we are here now.

                    I know that one of the things a Doctor would tell you is to tell the people who have hurt you what they did, so that you can breathe and you've done that, well done.

                    I know that depression is real. So real that sometimes it's easier for a person to just take the "easy way out" but the love you didn't get as a teenager you have been giving to your children, they not only need you now, but will need you as they grow into Adults, get married, have children of their own. Imagine Grandma

                    I know we are the "internet" but we will listen.. I'd like to ask if you are on medication to help you through these tough times but I won't I am sure that you would and if it's not strong or good enough will go back and get that sorted. We all need help in life one way or another.

                    If you have questions to help you through this, ask away.. If you need a virtual hug, you got one.

                    (((HUGS)))
                    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                    Comment


                    • ^ Sometimes I feel like having a crisis just so I can get some CW lovin.' You always give the best kind! ^
                      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Claret View Post
                        I looked back through your previous posts and what I see is that you've said he is a binge drinker, that you fear him hurting you, that he is a workaholic etc. etc. and that he doesn't always follow through with what he says to you. I don't ask why you are depressed I ask why not be depressed. The one thing that you must do for yourself is ensure that your children and you are safe, that you have enough cash to leave if need be and that you need a support system. People that will support you in whatever decisions you make.

                        You need to know how much is in the bank accounts that you don't have access to. You need to know how much you have in assets. You need to know about educational account and retirement accounts. Once you know all this you are armed with vital information should push come to shove.

                        The second thing you need to do is to get your self-confidence up. You need to get in a better frame of mind so that you can cope and deal with the stressors in your life. You may need a life-style coach or group to help you with this. But do not think for one moment that people don't want you around.

                        You have a serious issue and I think you may be a candidate for professional help. Please talk to your doctor, tell him what you've said here and ask for help.
                        You are right. I have found a wonderful doctor to help me step by step, and I feel so much better just having someone to talk to and have them respond to me. The advice she gave me was to fix me and then decide if the relationships around me were worth fixing. This should be a positive time of life, its time for me to get out of the house and make something of myself, feel useful and appreciated and part of society, so I am following doctors orders and aiming to 'live' not just survive.

                        Comment


                        • I was 17, my sister 18 when she gave up her first child, which my mother and I raised. She has been a junkie since then and has made homes, pets and furniture and bills, only to leave in a hurry. And leave everything behind. She has just lost custody of child number 3. And her government housing, which we were left to sort through everything to get anything of value or belonging to the children. Also she left more animals behind. My mother didn't know nor want to deal with her when it began 20 years ago, so she told me to. And I have held my tongue up until recently. I also calmly mentioned to my mother that it was unfair of her to lump me with that and then criticize my way of bringing up my children. My mother and I still speak, but I pull her up every time she comments on how I should be a harder discipliner. As for my eldest daughter, she is obviously going through crazy hormone stuff and I tried so hard today to ignore the heartache and just pretend she is being polite. The doctor said that she needs me to show love even when she is terribly angry, and I need to be strong for her.....which means tears in the shower. I have 2 more daughters to hold myself together for, so I gotta try.
                          I truly appreciate all the support I have received here... I thought I was more than alone the other day. I didn't want to be near me ;/ But thankyou all of you for taking the time for me. I cant express how helpful that is xxxx

                          Comment


                          • CW, I wish I could hug you. You actually understood me even in my addled state of mind.
                            My meds are increased now and the focus is me and the kids. I do feel better having aired my feelings finally. I've always been a people pleaser....erk!!!
                            I feel supported and stronger just having this and a good doctor. Even my 7 year old said today after school 'oh look mom, you're happy!' Made me realize that although they don't show it, they see it all.
                            I hope your life is as ideal as you'd like it... with the way you help people, you deserve it.
                            Thankyou xx

                            Comment


                            • 101. Number 1 then there is a space 0 and then a 1 again, number one you're going to do it to

                              You wish you could give me a hug? You just did thank you We all need them.

                              Let's follow your journey together huh. This thread, write on when you are down and need a pick me up and when you are happy or want to share something that made you happy...

                              We'd love that ..xx back at ya
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                              Comment

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