[Audrey]

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and by my title you see I'm in a bit of a dilemma. We have been together for about 3 1/2 years and we just recently got engaged in June of this year and we have never been more miserable. (For a little short and sweet background): He comes from a very old school Italian Sicilian Catholic home, and my family is English American Episcopalian and my stepfather is Jewish(who doesn't participate in his religion). We are complete opposites. What makes this whole situation worse is what I'm about to tell you. For 3/4 of our relationship I found out (and he came clean) that he was an addict. He was heavily addicted to vicodin and cocaine. I can't lie to myself and say that I didn't feel anything? I had to feel that something was wrong right? Well, now the next step was to get him well. I stayed by his side every second, through his withdrawals, through his doctor appointments, made sure he was taking all his meds to get him through the withdrawals a little bit better. To make a long story short since april of this year 2007 he has been clean( 8 months).

They give you rules when you become sober that you should abide by to stay clean in the first year which is NO MAJOR LIFE CHANGES IN THE FIRST YEAR. first two months of being clean we got engaged, he moved out of his parents house he adopted two dogs, and now he is saying his feelings towards me are changing. and i don't know what to do. I love this man. and I would alk through fire for him.

I know he is experiencing new things now, like a whole new life. because instead of waking up and poping 75 vicodin he is walking the dogs and that has to make you look at life differently.
But I can't lose him, what do I do?????

[jen0519]

I would put off the wedding for right now. That is a huge step that can really change the relationship. Maybe this is why he is pulling back from you. If you have been together for three and a half years than he does love you. And don't blame yourself for not seeing his addiction. He hid it so you wouldn't! I am so glad that he is sober now, but just make sure he knows that you don't want to have the relationship end. I know what you mean. I have also been with my husband for three and a half years and I dealt with his drug addiction when I got pregnant. Its almost like work! You put all this work into a person, and you don't want to watch everything you did turn into nothing. But his sobriety is the most important issue to him I am sure. And it should be. If it is going to be the best thing for him to be single, you have to love him enough to let him go. You have to be strait with him. Tell him how you feel. And see how he feels. But make sure you are letting him be honest. If he wants to be alone then let him. Vicodin and Cocaine are not easy addictions to deal with. If he feels any pressure from you then its likely he will deal with it with old habits. I hope this helps. I know its probably not what you want to hear, but I know drug addicts. I have grown up with them and I have been one.

[JubesInquest]

Wow Audrey!

Seeing that his rehab counselors said, "no major life changes in the first year", he already broke that rule 3 times: (1) he got engaged to you; (2) moved out of his parents house; (3) and adopted the 2 dogs.

At that point, being sober was "new" to him and he really did too much too soon.
While he was addicted, he was able to rely on you... depending on you to be there for him when no one else would. He continued on (secretly) being addicted.

Now that he's getting into the hang of being "sober", he's making decisions based on being sober and with a clear mind.

He probably wants to be alone, or at least not in a committed relationship.

You didn't get him hooked on any drug; so you were never responsible for his dependency or recovery; yet, you were the one there through all the rehab, the withdrawals, the medication and the doctor's appointments. In short, you "invested" in this man.

Now you want to see a "return."

The thing with investments is, they are risky. You may yield a return, and you may not.

Such is the case with you at this point.

Now that he's been sober, he doesn't or can't "return" those feelings to you. All you can do now is accept the fact that he wants to be on his own and move on with YOUR life.

Someone will appreciate you for being so caring and kind... truly this man was an addict and couldn't see how all this tore you up inside.

The best thing for you to do is go on with your life and just look at this as another chapter that's been written in your life.

Turn the page over and start a new one.

[sourpuss]

Now that he's been sober, he doesn't or can't "return" those feelings to you. All you can do now is accept the fact that he wants to be on his own and move on with YOUR life.

Someone will appreciate you for being so caring and kind... truly this man was an addict and couldn't see how all this tore you up inside.

The best thing for you to do is go on with your life and just look at this as another chapter that's been written in your life.

Turn the page over and start a new one. [/FONT]

I couldn't agree more. Move on. You've done your part and then some. You deserve to be with someone who can reciprocate those feelings. Right now he cannot. Don't sit and waste any more time on his addiction/recovery. Live your life, love yourself and if a point in time comes along and the two of you met up again and you are still available, then everything came full circle. But certainly don't sit around waiting.

[LadyLane]

I don't agree with moving on, (sorry). You have been through thick and thin so far.... and he is not listening to the counseling advice, which is what it is because they know what they are talking about. No life changes.

So don't be engaged. It's not that big of a deal to keep your relationship together but un-engaged. You love each other and that's good for now.

Also, think of it this way. You loved an addict. Who he is and who he's going to turn into in recovery may be a different person than who you were in love with. Which is a hard reality to face, but it could very well happen. The drugs made him one person and recovery will make him another.

It may help you to go to an NA meeting and talk about how you feel and what you are worried about. I'm sure the people there will have some great advice for you. You don't have to bring him with you or even tell him you're going. Addiction affects everyone who loves the addict, as well. So all of this is new for you, too.

Good luck.

[C]

I, too, am aware of a problem such as you speak of. It is as if you were dealing with a person drunk and now sober. Now that he is sober, he is a different person. He likes himself this way and you must now give him room to grow and find himself.

You must face the fact that he may want to walk this walk through life alone. It will be hard for you but this is what love is. Remember this is also hard for him. Let him take the first steps in finding himself by himself. Don't force him to stumble and fall. Praise him for all that he has accomplished and let him go.

Love shows it's face many ways, honey this is one of them.....

[I'm not old, dam it]

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and by my title you see I'm in a bit of a dilemma. We have been together for about 3 1/2 years and we just recently got engaged in June of this year and we have never been more miserable. (For a little short and sweet background): He comes from a very old school Italian Sicilian Catholic home, and my family is English American Episcopalian and my stepfather is Jewish(who doesn't participate in his religion). We are complete opposites. What makes this whole situation worse is what I'm about to tell you. For 3/4 of our relationship I found out (and he came clean) that he was an addict. He was heavily addicted to vicodin and cocaine. I can't lie to myself and say that I didn't feel anything? I had to feel that something was wrong right? Well, now the next step was to get him well. I stayed by his side every second, through his withdrawals, through his doctor appointments, made sure he was taking all his meds to get him through the withdrawals a little bit better. To make a long story short since april of this year 2007 he has been clean( 8 months).

They give you rules when you become sober that you should abide by to stay clean in the first year which is NO MAJOR LIFE CHANGES IN THE FIRST YEAR. first two months of being clean we got engaged, he moved out of his parents house he adopted two dogs, and now he is saying his feelings towards me are changing. and i don't know what to do. I love this man. and I would alk through fire for him.

I know he is experiencing new things now, like a whole new life. because instead of waking up and poping 75 vicodin he is walking the dogs and that has to make you look at life differently.
But I can't lose him, what do I do?????

As hard as it will be for you, let him do what he thinks is best for him.

Step back and just be there, as a friend for him. He has to take care of himself first. Once he gets adjusted to his 'new' lifestyle, maybe then he'll be able to know what exactly his feelings for you are.

It's going to be tough for you, but he has to come first right now. He's making a life change, for the better, and hopefully you can be a part of it.

I wish you luck!!

[misskitty3]

all i can say is that i was an addict. i decided that i needed help and confessed to my husband. he was there for me all the way. once i started to feel better, i also thought that i didn't need him anymore. i felt so proud of myself that i could do anything with or without him. since i decided on getting treatment, i thought that i could figure out all the other things in life.

sadly this is not reality. that is just what i THOUGHT , not what was really going on.

go to one of his meetings with the counselor, ask to join in and explain the rule got broken, and he's having a hard time with life right now. if you think it was harder having to hide a drug addicition and being on drugs all the time, forget it! its much harder being clean and seeing the world through clear lenses instead of hazy foggy ones.

good luck