[Pollon]

People, especially teens, fear rejection and failure. So rather than risk the rejection or failure, they reject or quit first.

What that sounds like is, "that's stupid, this is boring, those people are jock losers."

I'd guess that your boyfriend would love to be in the shape that you are but is afraid he doesn't have the determination and ability to stick with it long enough to be successful. And the further down the road you get to the rock-hard-abs, the more failure he feels.

I'd suggest a few options:

1) Change the diet to the extent that you control it. If you do the cooking, then make the leaner stuff. If you do the shopping, then don't buy the fattening stuff.
2) Get him to walk with you regularly.

In a month or so, you'll see and feel the results. It may not inspire him to your level, but it will make him attractive enough.

You don't have to make a big production out of it or make this about how unattractive he's become. Make it about having more energy.

3) Sex is good exercise. So have him do the work.

4) The mind is the most powerful sex organ. You can choose to focus on that flab that turns you off or the smile that turns you on.

[tjm0824]

Wondering if there's anyone else with this problem. I love my fiance dearly. He is so wonderful in so many ways and is the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. I really am not looking to break up with him but there is this issue and I just need to vent if anything.

When we both met I was coming out of a pretty dark time of partying, drinking, smoking, not taking care of myself, etc. I wasn't really overweight, more of a skinny fat and a bit frumpy. I definitely needed to make some changes regarding my lifestyle just to get healthy so I took up running and working out (running, mostly, at first but I eventually transitioned into CrossFit). I absolutely love it and within 3 years, it's become a big part of my life, I've accomplished many of my fitness goals including running my first marathon, getting stronger, healthier and changing my body composition. I try to eat well and encourage my fiance to do the same (he does enjoy some of my healthier recipes). I also have tried to get him to come with me to exercise but he HATES any kind of physical activity, thinks it's for “jock losers” and actually makes fun of it (he's a musician/artist to the core). He vehemently refuses to make any changes to his physical lifestyle and, although he did not deter me from doing so, was never really supportive of the changes I made to mine (he mostly grumbles about them taking up too much of my time and has been, more or less, merely tolerant of them). I'm not about to force him into anything he doesn't want to do because that's not fair and we do share many other interests which we have much enjoyment doing together.

But here's the problem....

Since starting to work out he loves the way I look and can't keep his hands off of me. He always comments on how sexy I've gotten, is always complimenting me and would have sex 5 times a day if I'd let him. It's very flattering but he, on the other hand, hasn’t done anything to improve his appearance for me physically. He really hasn't let himself go too much since we started dating but it's began to start (beer gut, not much muscle tone) and we are not getting any younger. I've found myself not being incredibly physically attracted to him and resenting the fact that he refuses to try and look nice for me. I really would love to be turned on by someone visually too! I don't know how to tell him this without seeming extremely shallow and like a total jerk. He's always joking about how I'm going to dump him for some muscle guy (which I have no intention of doing) so I'm sure he's insecure about it but I'll be ********************************ed if don't find someone who is fit and healthy attractive! I'm only human!

Anyhow, I just wanted to vent. I really do love him very much and feel like such a heel for thinking like I do but maybe someone out there has gone through the same thing. I know you can't change people and there are so many other qualities he possesses that are so rare and wonderful I feel like I should just suck it up, forget about this, and deal but I'm just at a loss because it's began eating at me a lot especially when it comes time to have sex. I'd really hate to hurt his feelings by saying anything but don't even know where I'd begin to break it to him without bruising his ego or really damaging our relationship. Anyways I'm done venting...Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this and let the comments on how horrible I am as a person begin...

Guy's perspective here: This may sound a little harsh but it's not intended to be mean. With that said, I think you are being a little selfish. You resent the fact that he refuses to look nice for you? Does that mean you started getting physically fit for him? If not, that's hypocritical. You also said that you were in a "dark time", and not in the greatest shape. He accepted you how you were. He didn't pressure you to lose weight or get into shape. Likewise, you accepted him for who he was. Were you attracted to him then? You have the same man you that you agreed to marry. I don't understand how your being in better shape can suddenly change how attractive he is to you. And maybe he's not supportive cause he feels threatened by your new look. And, apparently, it's justified. Look at how you are feeling toward him already. If you start pushing him to get into shape because you are no longer attracted to him it is absolutely going to make him more resistant and less supportive. Deep down he is probably afraid you might find a more fit guy and leave, or cheat on him. Guys egos are fragile. Based on what you said, if you want to get him into the gym you might need to send him to a therapist first. Sounds to me like he has a deep seated issue regarding it as a result of his childhood. You aren't going to change that. That's who he is. And I definitely don't agree that you should use reverse psychology on him. That's just a euphemism for manipulation. That is definitely the wrong route to go in a supposedly loving relationship. Be direct, be honest, then let him make his decision and accept it. Maybe it'll help if you put yourself in his shoes. Imagine there is something that you absolutely are opposed to with a passion. Then he suddenly has a big interest in it, and incorporates it into his life. How would you feel if he told you he isn't as attracted to you anymore because of it? What you are describing is not him just being lazy or aloof to the idea of working out. It sounds like he has a legitimate psychological issue.

[sabrinana]

I think u should talk to him, cause eventually it will be a problem ....and yes it is very important to keep in mind why u love him so much, i am married since 3 years and i don't feel physically attracted to my husband anymore he is not taking care of himself..but yes i also do keep in mind his good qualities..i would never leave him for his physically appearance...its just not right...but i am already married and on top of it we have two wonderful girls...who are just 2 years old

Wondering if there's anyone else with this problem. I love my fiance dearly. He is so wonderful in so many ways and is the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. I really am not looking to break up with him but there is this issue and I just need to vent if anything.

When we both met I was coming out of a pretty dark time of partying, drinking, smoking, not taking care of myself, etc. I wasn't really overweight, more of a skinny fat and a bit frumpy. I definitely needed to make some changes regarding my lifestyle just to get healthy so I took up running and working out (running, mostly, at first but I eventually transitioned into CrossFit). I absolutely love it and within 3 years, it's become a big part of my life, I've accomplished many of my fitness goals including running my first marathon, getting stronger, healthier and changing my body composition. I try to eat well and encourage my fiance to do the same (he does enjoy some of my healthier recipes). I also have tried to get him to come with me to exercise but he HATES any kind of physical activity, thinks it's for “jock losers” and actually makes fun of it (he's a musician/artist to the core). He vehemently refuses to make any changes to his physical lifestyle and, although he did not deter me from doing so, was never really supportive of the changes I made to mine (he mostly grumbles about them taking up too much of my time and has been, more or less, merely tolerant of them). I'm not about to force him into anything he doesn't want to do because that's not fair and we do share many other interests which we have much enjoyment doing together.

But here's the problem....

Since starting to work out he loves the way I look and can't keep his hands off of me. He always comments on how sexy I've gotten, is always complimenting me and would have sex 5 times a day if I'd let him. It's very flattering but he, on the other hand, hasn’t done anything to improve his appearance for me physically. He really hasn't let himself go too much since we started dating but it's began to start (beer gut, not much muscle tone) and we are not getting any younger. I've found myself not being incredibly physically attracted to him and resenting the fact that he refuses to try and look nice for me. I really would love to be turned on by someone visually too! I don't know how to tell him this without seeming extremely shallow and like a total jerk. He's always joking about how I'm going to dump him for some muscle guy (which I have no intention of doing) so I'm sure he's insecure about it but I'll be ****************ed if don't find someone who is fit and healthy attractive! I'm only human!

Anyhow, I just wanted to vent. I really do love him very much and feel like such a heel for thinking like I do but maybe someone out there has gone through the same thing. I know you can't change people and there are so many other qualities he possesses that are so rare and wonderful I feel like I should just suck it up, forget about this, and deal but I'm just at a loss because it's began eating at me a lot especially when it comes time to have sex. I'd really hate to hurt his feelings by saying anything but don't even know where I'd begin to break it to him without bruising his ego or really damaging our relationship. Anyways I'm done venting...Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this and let the comments on how horrible I am as a person begin...