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Love my fiance and feel like a jerk for thinking this....Anyone else

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  • Love my fiance and feel like a jerk for thinking this....Anyone else

    Wondering if there's anyone else with this problem. I love my fiance dearly. He is so wonderful in so many ways and is the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. I really am not looking to break up with him but there is this issue and I just need to vent if anything.

    When we both met I was coming out of a pretty dark time of partying, drinking, smoking, not taking care of myself, etc. I wasn't really overweight, more of a skinny fat and a bit frumpy. I definitely needed to make some changes regarding my lifestyle just to get healthy so I took up running and working out (running, mostly, at first but I eventually transitioned into CrossFit). I absolutely love it and within 3 years, it's become a big part of my life, I've accomplished many of my fitness goals including running my first marathon, getting stronger, healthier and changing my body composition. I try to eat well and encourage my fiance to do the same (he does enjoy some of my healthier recipes). I also have tried to get him to come with me to exercise but he HATES any kind of physical activity, thinks it's for “jock losers” and actually makes fun of it (he's a musician/artist to the core). He vehemently refuses to make any changes to his physical lifestyle and, although he did not deter me from doing so, was never really supportive of the changes I made to mine (he mostly grumbles about them taking up too much of my time and has been, more or less, merely tolerant of them). I'm not about to force him into anything he doesn't want to do because that's not fair and we do share many other interests which we have much enjoyment doing together.

    But here's the problem....

    Since starting to work out he loves the way I look and can't keep his hands off of me. He always comments on how sexy I've gotten, is always complimenting me and would have sex 5 times a day if I'd let him. It's very flattering but he, on the other hand, hasn’t done anything to improve his appearance for me physically. He really hasn't let himself go too much since we started dating but it's began to start (beer gut, not much muscle tone) and we are not getting any younger. I've found myself not being incredibly physically attracted to him and resenting the fact that he refuses to try and look nice for me. I really would love to be turned on by someone visually too! I don't know how to tell him this without seeming extremely shallow and like a total jerk. He's always joking about how I'm going to dump him for some muscle guy (which I have no intention of doing) so I'm sure he's insecure about it but I'll be ****************ed if don't find someone who is fit and healthy attractive! I'm only human!

    Anyhow, I just wanted to vent. I really do love him very much and feel like such a heel for thinking like I do but maybe someone out there has gone through the same thing. I know you can't change people and there are so many other qualities he possesses that are so rare and wonderful I feel like I should just suck it up, forget about this, and deal but I'm just at a loss because it's began eating at me a lot especially when it comes time to have sex. I'd really hate to hurt his feelings by saying anything but don't even know where I'd begin to break it to him without bruising his ego or really damaging our relationship. Anyways I'm done venting...Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this and let the comments on how horrible I am as a person begin...

  • If it matters to you, it matters to you. Not much point in trying to talk yourself out of your tastes.

    I'll just share my outlook - I'm not real attracted to muscleheads, but I need a guy to be fit if he's gonna be with me. Skinny arms don't get it, chubbyness, that sort of thing. He doesn't need big muscles, but he should have tone. Basically I won't tolerate any less than that, and I won't apologize for it either. You're man is a reflection of you, and if he looks like he doesn't respect himself, the implication is that he doesn't respect you or your relationship either.

    I understand some people have special challenges here. I'm mainly talking about general laziness and the physiques that usually go with it.
    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

    Comment


    • Thanks so much for your response Jen and for not making me feel guilty as hell! I don't want or need him to be a total meathead either I just wish I could figure out the way to break to him that it would make me very happy if he started taking care of himself. A little background on him, his brother, who got all the family attention, was a college football championship hero and he was the black sheep who didn't get much support for his passions (which he now makes a career out of). I'm no shrink but I almost feel like he has a lingering rejection for anything athletic becuase of that. We are in our late 30s so it seems like he should be a bit too old to not be over it. Ah, well. What to say will be a big decision for me to make. At any rate, it's glad to have someone took the time to listen and give advice so thanks again

      Comment


      • I broke up with a lady because of her smell (we got back together and I figured out what it was and worked it out). How's that for shallow? We have to be attracted to the person we're going to be with.

        On the other hand, anybody you get with or stay with is going to have something you don't like about them. You just have to figure out whether the sweet is good enough to take the bitter. Even the stuff you do like about them can change. On the up side, the stuff you don't like can too. Something may happen that changes their perspective. It just happened to me today!

        I've been a vegetarian for 11 years. I don't pressure my wife because I want her to enjoy life and I just don't believe in interfering with other people's diets. The thing that kills me is that I don't have to kiss other people. The thought of chunks of meat between her teeth when we're intimate disgusts me. I basically refrain from kissing her unless she's just brushed her teeth or we've been together all day. It cuts into intimacy on so many levels.

        All of a sudden, 20 minutes ago she told me she's cutting out meat after 11+ years! You just don't know what cards life will play a person and how they'll react. A lot of different things could make your fiance could change his tune. What you have to determine in your heart is whether you're going to commit. If you are, then you focus on the stuff you love about them and overlook the rest. Unless the bad is too much. Forever is a mighty long time to be spending with one person. Better make sure it's right.
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

        Comment


        • I'm glad to see that things worked out well for you after that long Stillness. I agree that attraction is a huge thing in relationships that's why I'm having such a tough time with this decision. There definitely is a lot of sweet in this one though and I definitely don't want to lose that because I chose having a partner who is hot instead. I've had a few attractive men in my time who turned out to be horrible people in every other way. Not to mention there's gonna be a time when we are both old and are going to look like crap anyhow. But to enjoy today would be nice! Perhaps he will come around someday too.

          Comment


          • This thread reminds me of reformed smokers; once they get the motivation to kick the habit, the reformed smokers try and get everyone else to quit and think those that can't quit are somehow too weak. You did not change for him, you got healthy for you. All he has done is stayed the same way he was when you met . . . and now you ask, "what has he done to improve his appearance for me" as if that was an unspoken requirement from the beginning.

            He met you at a time you were not in the best of health, drinking and partying. You clearly saw something in him that was attractive then . . . " he possess qualities that are rare and wonderful." But now that you devoted to fitness, his physical appearance is now far more important than his other qualities.

            You had a right to change to a healthy lifestyle and to change the criteria that you find attractive. But I can totally see this from his perspective. This is not Jen's situation . . . her criteria has never changed. He is no different than when you met and fell in love. Had you stayed the same, he would still be the man of your dreams and the "we're not getting any younger" excuse would not even be a consideration.

            There is no way to bring this up without hurting his feelings. However, shallow or not, these are your feelings and, as Still so artfully put it, "forever is a mighty long time". (As an aside, does anyone remember the Meatloaf song Paradise by the Dashboard Lights"?). He deserves to know how you are feeling and what you need from him. Better to hurt him now and give him a chance to change than to wake up one day and feel like it's over or have a sexless relationship.

            I don't mean to be judgmental and you are to be commended for the changes you made in your life. Just think about how you would feel if the tables were turned and he suddenly tired of his party girl. You may well leave him, but you may not find his offbeat and wonderful qualities in a perfectly fit body.
            "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

            Comment


            • If he was the black sheep and his brother was football champion and he missed out on attention, it stands to reason why he "can't" go to the gym, that would be a lot of years that he felt frustrated and neglected, rejected because he was an artist, not recognised by many parents but he stuck to it and is doing it, good for him.

              I gather you give him a lot of attention? The more someone believes in themselves, the more they do things for themselves. You weren't happy with your direction and you changed it but that's not exactly who he met. He remained the same, which is not exactly what you are after as you've progressed, that's normal.

              I liken this to my fiancé telling me to quit smoking because he did. I smoked when he met me, he's right but I'll challenge it until I'm ready which I really need to consider.

              Use reverse phsyc. Tell him he looks good here and there so he can see it and maybe want change. Maybe organise weekend dates where you are walking mountains or around lakes so he gets used to using his muscles and feeling good without realising what you are doing.

              He will rebel to do things you want that you like that he doesn't believe in based on what he experienced throughout his youth, to him it would be competition and that's long gone. But, to be a part of something without realising and to be put higher on a pedal stool feeling loved, who knows what you can accomplish.
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • Chandlers Wish I do give him plenty and attention and support when it comes to his music. I too am a musician (vocalist) and am involved in an artistic field (graphic design) as my career. We actually are still in a band together and perform as an acoustic duo too. I try to make it to his shows as often as I can with the projects I am not involved to cheer him on (he is in 3 other bands so going to shows usually take up most of our free weekends). I love that he does what he is passionate about and it's one of the things that does attract me to him.

                That being said, He is also very supportive of my artistic pursuits (and always has been) but not so much my athletic ones which bums me out a bit. For example, when I ran my first marathon he came with me to cheer me on but after the race, was very pouty it becuase he got bored standing outside for a couple of hours and was visibly miserable until we left. I didn't force him to come, only asked if he would. I feel like he did only because he thought I would have gotten mad if he said no. It really killed the moment for me and, in retrospect, really wish he wasn't there so I could have savored the moment and celebrated with my friends.

                I understand that he is not interested in sports and it isn't right for me to force him into giving a crap so I try not to bring them up too much anymore. It's just that they have just become a bigger part of my life as of late so it's hard from me not to get excited and want to share that passion with him. I guess that, aside from me wishing he would work out for his health and appearance's sake, I also wish he would do it to get a little more support and understanding from him. I feel like it's done a lot of good for me as a person on a lot of different levels and sometimes I think he only appreciates the part of it that makes me look decent in tight fitting pants.

                Comment


                • But you did it for you. So be proud and understand that others are going to like what they see. He appreciates what you do and supports you, so it can't just be about " he appreciates your body only".

                  My ex-husband demanded to much sex in my opinion, to the point that I felt that was all I was therefore, I get that. We want to not just feel like a hot body at the time but loved.

                  When I said, attention I didn't mean about his career, I meant tell him he does look good, love the jeans, you look good in them.. Change your thought pattern to use reverse phyc. He may very well start to see himself that way and start to take more care.

                  Someone in that Industry and I'm an ex-singer who then also spent 17 years Managing Restaurants tends to come home late, drink beer and not care so much about their body, their life is different than the normal 9-5 person.

                  I think you have to accept that you ventured into a personal journey that your partner doesn't want to do, and decide how you feel about that. People change, circumstances change.

                  Telling a guy he looks good makes him, "in my opinion" strive further.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Rivvie93 View Post

                    That being said, He is also very supportive of my artistic pursuits (and always has been) but not so much my athletic ones which bums me out a bit. For example, when I ran my first marathon he came with me to cheer me on but after the race, was very pouty it becuase he got bored standing outside for a couple of hours and was visibly miserable until we left. I didn't force him to come, only asked if he would. I feel like he did only because he thought I would have gotten mad if he said no. It really killed the moment for me and, in retrospect, really wish he wasn't there so I could have savored the moment and celebrated with my friends.
                    Of course he isn't as supportive of your athletic pursuits . . . he feels threatened by them. With good reason, it seems. He came because you asked. Yes, he should be more supportive. But to expect him to be as supportive as with your music, a passion that the two of you share, is unrealistic. The more running and sports take up your life, he feel further disconnected from you. The part of you that seems better because of it seems much worse to him.

                    I am with CW. Try and change him by being supportive. But he really needs to know the depth of your feelings and that your feelings are taking you down the path of a break up.
                    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                    Comment


                    • People, especially teens, fear rejection and failure. So rather than risk the rejection or failure, they reject or quit first.

                      What that sounds like is, "that's stupid, this is boring, those people are jock losers."

                      I'd guess that your boyfriend would love to be in the shape that you are but is afraid he doesn't have the determination and ability to stick with it long enough to be successful. And the further down the road you get to the rock-hard-abs, the more failure he feels.

                      I'd suggest a few options:

                      1) Change the diet to the extent that you control it. If you do the cooking, then make the leaner stuff. If you do the shopping, then don't buy the fattening stuff.
                      2) Get him to walk with you regularly.

                      In a month or so, you'll see and feel the results. It may not inspire him to your level, but it will make him attractive enough.

                      You don't have to make a big production out of it or make this about how unattractive he's become. Make it about having more energy.

                      3) Sex is good exercise. So have him do the work.

                      4) The mind is the most powerful sex organ. You can choose to focus on that flab that turns you off or the smile that turns you on.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Rivvie93 View Post
                        Wondering if there's anyone else with this problem. I love my fiance dearly. He is so wonderful in so many ways and is the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. I really am not looking to break up with him but there is this issue and I just need to vent if anything.

                        When we both met I was coming out of a pretty dark time of partying, drinking, smoking, not taking care of myself, etc. I wasn't really overweight, more of a skinny fat and a bit frumpy. I definitely needed to make some changes regarding my lifestyle just to get healthy so I took up running and working out (running, mostly, at first but I eventually transitioned into CrossFit). I absolutely love it and within 3 years, it's become a big part of my life, I've accomplished many of my fitness goals including running my first marathon, getting stronger, healthier and changing my body composition. I try to eat well and encourage my fiance to do the same (he does enjoy some of my healthier recipes). I also have tried to get him to come with me to exercise but he HATES any kind of physical activity, thinks it's for “jock losers” and actually makes fun of it (he's a musician/artist to the core). He vehemently refuses to make any changes to his physical lifestyle and, although he did not deter me from doing so, was never really supportive of the changes I made to mine (he mostly grumbles about them taking up too much of my time and has been, more or less, merely tolerant of them). I'm not about to force him into anything he doesn't want to do because that's not fair and we do share many other interests which we have much enjoyment doing together.

                        But here's the problem....

                        Since starting to work out he loves the way I look and can't keep his hands off of me. He always comments on how sexy I've gotten, is always complimenting me and would have sex 5 times a day if I'd let him. It's very flattering but he, on the other hand, hasn’t done anything to improve his appearance for me physically. He really hasn't let himself go too much since we started dating but it's began to start (beer gut, not much muscle tone) and we are not getting any younger. I've found myself not being incredibly physically attracted to him and resenting the fact that he refuses to try and look nice for me. I really would love to be turned on by someone visually too! I don't know how to tell him this without seeming extremely shallow and like a total jerk. He's always joking about how I'm going to dump him for some muscle guy (which I have no intention of doing) so I'm sure he's insecure about it but I'll be ****************************************************************ed if don't find someone who is fit and healthy attractive! I'm only human!

                        Anyhow, I just wanted to vent. I really do love him very much and feel like such a heel for thinking like I do but maybe someone out there has gone through the same thing. I know you can't change people and there are so many other qualities he possesses that are so rare and wonderful I feel like I should just suck it up, forget about this, and deal but I'm just at a loss because it's began eating at me a lot especially when it comes time to have sex. I'd really hate to hurt his feelings by saying anything but don't even know where I'd begin to break it to him without bruising his ego or really damaging our relationship. Anyways I'm done venting...Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this and let the comments on how horrible I am as a person begin...

                        Guy's perspective here: This may sound a little harsh but it's not intended to be mean. With that said, I think you are being a little selfish. You resent the fact that he refuses to look nice for you? Does that mean you started getting physically fit for him? If not, that's hypocritical. You also said that you were in a "dark time", and not in the greatest shape. He accepted you how you were. He didn't pressure you to lose weight or get into shape. Likewise, you accepted him for who he was. Were you attracted to him then? You have the same man you that you agreed to marry. I don't understand how your being in better shape can suddenly change how attractive he is to you. And maybe he's not supportive cause he feels threatened by your new look. And, apparently, it's justified. Look at how you are feeling toward him already. If you start pushing him to get into shape because you are no longer attracted to him it is absolutely going to make him more resistant and less supportive. Deep down he is probably afraid you might find a more fit guy and leave, or cheat on him. Guys egos are fragile. Based on what you said, if you want to get him into the gym you might need to send him to a therapist first. Sounds to me like he has a deep seated issue regarding it as a result of his childhood. You aren't going to change that. That's who he is. And I definitely don't agree that you should use reverse psychology on him. That's just a euphemism for manipulation. That is definitely the wrong route to go in a supposedly loving relationship. Be direct, be honest, then let him make his decision and accept it. Maybe it'll help if you put yourself in his shoes. Imagine there is something that you absolutely are opposed to with a passion. Then he suddenly has a big interest in it, and incorporates it into his life. How would you feel if he told you he isn't as attracted to you anymore because of it? What you are describing is not him just being lazy or aloof to the idea of working out. It sounds like he has a legitimate psychological issue.

                        Comment


                        • I think u should talk to him, cause eventually it will be a problem ....and yes it is very important to keep in mind why u love him so much, i am married since 3 years and i don't feel physically attracted to my husband anymore he is not taking care of himself..but yes i also do keep in mind his good qualities..i would never leave him for his physically appearance...its just not right...but i am already married and on top of it we have two wonderful girls...who are just 2 years old
                          Originally posted by Rivvie93 View Post
                          Wondering if there's anyone else with this problem. I love my fiance dearly. He is so wonderful in so many ways and is the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. I really am not looking to break up with him but there is this issue and I just need to vent if anything.

                          When we both met I was coming out of a pretty dark time of partying, drinking, smoking, not taking care of myself, etc. I wasn't really overweight, more of a skinny fat and a bit frumpy. I definitely needed to make some changes regarding my lifestyle just to get healthy so I took up running and working out (running, mostly, at first but I eventually transitioned into CrossFit). I absolutely love it and within 3 years, it's become a big part of my life, I've accomplished many of my fitness goals including running my first marathon, getting stronger, healthier and changing my body composition. I try to eat well and encourage my fiance to do the same (he does enjoy some of my healthier recipes). I also have tried to get him to come with me to exercise but he HATES any kind of physical activity, thinks it's for “jock losers” and actually makes fun of it (he's a musician/artist to the core). He vehemently refuses to make any changes to his physical lifestyle and, although he did not deter me from doing so, was never really supportive of the changes I made to mine (he mostly grumbles about them taking up too much of my time and has been, more or less, merely tolerant of them). I'm not about to force him into anything he doesn't want to do because that's not fair and we do share many other interests which we have much enjoyment doing together.

                          But here's the problem....

                          Since starting to work out he loves the way I look and can't keep his hands off of me. He always comments on how sexy I've gotten, is always complimenting me and would have sex 5 times a day if I'd let him. It's very flattering but he, on the other hand, hasn’t done anything to improve his appearance for me physically. He really hasn't let himself go too much since we started dating but it's began to start (beer gut, not much muscle tone) and we are not getting any younger. I've found myself not being incredibly physically attracted to him and resenting the fact that he refuses to try and look nice for me. I really would love to be turned on by someone visually too! I don't know how to tell him this without seeming extremely shallow and like a total jerk. He's always joking about how I'm going to dump him for some muscle guy (which I have no intention of doing) so I'm sure he's insecure about it but I'll be ********************************ed if don't find someone who is fit and healthy attractive! I'm only human!

                          Anyhow, I just wanted to vent. I really do love him very much and feel like such a heel for thinking like I do but maybe someone out there has gone through the same thing. I know you can't change people and there are so many other qualities he possesses that are so rare and wonderful I feel like I should just suck it up, forget about this, and deal but I'm just at a loss because it's began eating at me a lot especially when it comes time to have sex. I'd really hate to hurt his feelings by saying anything but don't even know where I'd begin to break it to him without bruising his ego or really damaging our relationship. Anyways I'm done venting...Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this and let the comments on how horrible I am as a person begin...

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