[jen1447]

Wasn't referring to you effers, rather the other dubious noob-type posters who show up at our door asking titillating questions out of nowhere.

[Baboy]

I have a question or two, Spicy,

In your original post, you refer to this being your husband's idea, voiced 8 years ago. The idea was to get needs met and "have some fun on the side". You report that it has worked out well and "we are happier than we have ever been".

But in your next post you tell us: "My husband suffers from clinical depression. Sex for us happens very seldom because his sex drive is greatly effected (sic) by it." To my pea brain, there's a certain disconnect between being happier than ever, while suffering from depression. Happy depressed? Referring back to your first post, you commented: "Surprisingly I go out a lot more than he does." How was that a surprise when, in the next breath, you say he's depressed and has no sex drive?

In your third post you relate: "My husband has only been with another woman once. Not to sound inappropriate but I want sex a lot." This sounds to me like a 180 from your first post where your husband was the catalyst for an open marriage. Then, he was keen, he broached the topic and, to some extent, pressed the matter. However, 8 years later, at the time of implementation of the plan, it sounds like it holds little charm for him, he's depressed and indifferent, and he's going along to please you.

What I see here is that you are not having your sexual desires met at home and your husband has consented to you seeking fulfillment outside your marriage. It does not sound to me as though there is a whole lot of mutuality here. Would I be right?

Please understand that my questions and comments are not intended as criticism, moral judgment or anything like that. I myself maintained a polyamorous relationship for about a year. That was a long time ago. It was fine then. I would not seek another relationship of the sort. Now I see these things, for myself, much more in harmony with effy's expressed views. That does not mean that you have to. In short, if what you have genuinely works for you and your husband, then fine.

[SpicyV]

Effy,

I don't mind the questions. I wasn't interested in an open marriage when he first talked about it like I said in the original post. I wasn't really fine with the way things where but I accepted them because I love my husband. It took years of talking and working things out before anything happened. I never thought that I would be comfortable being with anyone else. But honestly got me sex has never been about emotional attachment. It is about physical gratification and yes I would much rather enjoy it with someone I care about. I do have a connection with the two men I see regularly. One of them is the first person I met when we started. We are good friends, we talk about all kinds of things enjoy each others company. The other I have been seeing for a few months and we are also friends. I am very upfront about my situation. My husband and I have talked about the possibility of deeper emotional attachments being a possibility as you can't really control those kinds of feelings. His way of seeing it is that as long as we are honest and hold each other first then anything else is ok. This is all just discussion as nothing like this has happened.

[SpicyV]

Baboy

You really don't understand what clinical depression is. It isn't being sad.... There is a whole lot more too it. My husband can see whomever he wants and go out as much as he likes. It is his choice not to do so. As I stated before I still make sure he is ok with everything every time I go out and he know he can say no.

Regardless of your disclaimer your posts do sound judgmental. That I am going out and leaving my sad husband alone to have sex. That isn't what is going on. You didn't have any questions just statements.

[SpicyV]

jen1447

I appreciate the support. I joined here so that I could talk about it. The only person I have to talk to about it is one friend and my husband. It is nice to have a fresh perspective. But maybe it was a bad idea.

[jen1447]

Don't be discouraged hon, there are actually a few women like you here. Incidentally, I can think of a couple questions ....

When you're with a lover, is your husband ever a topic of discussion, either abstractly or involved in the sexuality?

How do your lovers compare to your husband in terms of performance? Is there any part that appeals in terms of them possibly being better, larger, having more stamina, etc.? I ask this because it seems to come up quite a bit with women who have sex outside marriages - both in terms of what they like and (maybe surprisingly) what the husband likes. (e.g. the woman likes a man who's "so much better than you," and the man likes his wife sleeping with men who are "real men," etc.)

[Baboy]

I understand very well. My work and life experience has equipped me with more than just passing familiarity with the topic. While I cannot quote DSM-V chapter and verse from memory, my knowledge is extensive. Some first-hand.

I had a roommate once who was clinically depressed. She was off work for 2 years on long-term disability as a result. When it reaches what psychiatrists call a "major depressive disorder" it can be totally debilitating. Yes, she was sad a great deal of the time. She had a hard time getting herself motivated to do anything. Some days he hardly got out of bed. She was under psychiatric care, on meds, etc. I was with her every day.

To the extent that I come across as judgmental, it is, perhaps, due to your lack of candor. It is evident from twhat you have said that this is really all about you. Why not just say that you lacked a good sex life with your husband and that you came up with a cure? Why sugar-coat it and say that the two of you struck upon this marvelous idea from which you derive equal benefit?

As for your husband being "ok with everything", is he really? What are his alternatives? If he says he does not like it and wants you to stop, what then? You cease and live with him happily ever after?

[SpicyV]

My husband comes up in conversation. We work together and spend about 90% of our times together. He never comes up in a sexual way. What I have with my husband is different.

As far as performance it is different. I prefer thing a little rougher than what my husband has ever been willing to do. I don't go out specifically looking for that either. When my husband and I do have sex it is great. Both of the men I see are a bit bigger than my husband and the sex with both is very good and they are very different too. I try not to compare the three as I adore my husband what I have with him is special. My husband does ask about what we do how good is it and all those things. I give him all the details he wants. He likes it when I really enjoy myself it seems to boost his mood.

[Baboy]

Thank you for that further comment.

I have no wish to set you off and, despite what you think, to judge you. I was sincere when I said if what you have works for you and your husband as a couple, why should I or anyone else care? There are billions of people on the planet. Lots of different arrangements and viewpoints. I don't expect (or particularly want) all to be like me.

You have to allow that my own way of thinking about a relationship colors the way I see things. What you and your husband have I would not want at all. Perhaps what I have would be anathema to you. Whether such is the case should not important to either of us.

[SpicyV]

Baboy...

You had a roommate... Not someone that you have spent over 12 years with living, working and doing almost everything together. Of course it is going to sound like it's all about me as I am the writing it. It is my perspective. I didn't come up with the idea he did. I was against it for the better part of 7 years. My husband is 100% honest with me. He has told me when he doesn't like thing or doesn't want me to continue something that I enjoy. I'm not some sex crazed kid that is will to hurt someone I love over getting laid. If he wants it to stop it stops. I would be fine with that.

There is equal benefit. I don't stop him from meeting people or going out. I just happen to do it more than he does because I was lucky and found a couple of people that I click with. He had met lots of women but only every had sex with one. He hasn't found the right person for him and he doesn't want to sleep around. So please save your judgment it isn't needed here.