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Open marriage.

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  • Open marriage.

    About 8 years ago my now husband and I where fooling around and talking about secret desires. At this he told me he wanted to have an open relationship. Needless to say the mood for me got killed really quickly. I thought that it was him wanting to go out and have sex with other people because we didn't have a very active sex life. It took a lot of quick thinking and reassurance from my husband to keep me from leaving right then. He would come back to the topic every so often and explain that it wasn't about him going out but out us getting what we need out of our relationship and having some fun on the side. I was very very very skeptical. Well after years of discussions, me trusting that he wasn't wanting to leave the relationship, talking about all kinds of what if possibilities we came to and agreement. So to make a very long story shorter last year we decided to each try and meet someone and see what happened. If either one of is was uncomfortable then it would go no further.


    Well a year into it we are happier than we have ever been. I didn't realize how unsatisfied I was, how much getting to meet new people and make new friends has helped us. Surprisingly I go out a lot more than he does. I have a couple of people that I see regularly. Sex isn't always involved, it is just getting out and feeling that spark and excitement of something new.

    I am sharing this here because it isn't something that we share with people. We love each other and many wouldn't understand that we are amazingly happy.

    I am hoping to get some conversation going with anyone that has questions or has a relationship similar to mine. So if you have questions ask.

  • Ok, Spicy V. I will take the bait.

    We were having this discussion in a different thread a few days ago. I am in a very emotionally connected relationship in which we have a very active and varied sex life. We have many questions here about brining a third person into the bedroom to "spice things up." I do not understand how it makes a connected relationship stronger. As I wrote: My view of intimacy in a connected relationship is what leads to my conclusions . . . I've never looked at my SO's naked body and thought "oh, that old thing again." We experiment all the time together. Boredom to me is another word for laziness and always striving for the "new car smell" of a new relationship seems shallow. If I take away the emotions involved, the physical sensation of an orgasm (assuming the same method is used) does not vary much, if at all, between partners. After seeing a very good looking man check out my SO and telling her about it, she said unequivocally that the thought of another man touching her made her sick. Makes me sick thinking about it as well.

    Here are my questions: Why couldn't the two of you have an active sex life together . . . what was the emotional need for different partners? Do you talk about your other lovers with him? Has there ever been jealousy that you go out more than him?

    I view it this way -- I am in love and very connected to my SO. We have great intimacy. But tonight I am going to bang the neighbor's wife and her husband is coming over to bang her. What is that feeling and why is it there? What does that accomplish that couldn't have been done within the relationship? How does it make the relationship stronger and how can it not make it weaker?
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

    Comment


    • My husband suffers from clinical depression. Sex for us happens very seldom because his sex drive is greatly effected by it. We are far from lazy about our relationship and there has been no jealousy on his part about me going out. My husband and I are connected when we do have sex but we have sexual desires that we can't fulfill for each other. He is also my best friend and I am his. We tell each other everything. I am also in love and very connected with my husband and him with me. I don't know what point your are trying to make.

      Comment


      • I don't know effy, Spicy sounds like the perfect case example of how open marriages work (even if you don't understand the particulars yet). Living, breathing proof.

        Spicy, I'm glad you've found this happiness in your marriage. I'm in a semi-open relationship in that I sleep with other women, but the BF is 'faithful.' Not quite the same as you really but there are generally like-minded people out there. Welcome.
        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

        Comment


        • My husband has only been with another woman once. Not to sound inappropriate but I want sex a lot. At this point I think he suggested the open marriage more for me than for him. Even after a year I double check to make sure he is ok with me going out. He know that at any point he can say no. The only real rule that we have for each other is 100% honesty. If he asks for details about what happens he gets them. I think that is where a lot of couples go wrong. I know one other couple that has an open marriage. They do not talk to each other about any of it. It's more like each of them is having an affair. I also go out once maybe twice a week.

          I totally understand that what we have chosen to do isn't for everyone. I don't expect it to be. It works good for us though. We love, care for and respect each other. I think that above all else is the most important.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by jen1447 View Post
            I don't know effy, Spicy sounds like the perfect case example of how open marriages work (even if you don't understand the particulars yet). Living, breathing proof.
            Not exactly, but it the closest yet. In the two examples, Kira and Spicy V, there is a sexual deficit in the relationship. Not an emotional disconnectedness, but a physical one. Both men have sexual issues and the reason for the open marriage was the man's desire for his partner to be sexually fulfilled. Kira found it difficult to have sex without some emotional connection, not sure about Spicy V.
            "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

            Comment


            • Originally posted by SpicyV View Post
              I don't know what point your are trying to make.
              I'm not making a point, per se, I am honestly trying to understand the emotions involved in an "open marriage". You wrote if someone had questions to ask . . . I am asking.

              I have a few more, if you will indulge me. If your husband could give you all the sex you needed and wanted, would there still be the desire for the open marriage? For Kira, her husband was gone most of the day and evening and she was bored doing nothing. I do not get that vibe from you. Would you have been interested or indulged in an open marriage from the start, even without the depression?

              The last, I promise. You see a couple of men regularly. Is there any emotional attachment between you and them (and vice versa)? How would you deal with that?

              I appreciate your willingness to share. We have dealt with a number of posters asking about the "male" fantasy of watching their wives have sex with another man. In my view, there are so many potential negatives to a relationship. Yours is fundamentally different, but I am curious about polyamory as well.
              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

              Comment


              • Not to disparage others, but I think SpicyV is for real as well, which is the main reason I'm giving her situation the respect it deserves. (Spicy, we occasionally get posts here along the same lines as yours that, frankly, seem like they're trolling for titillating responses rather than sharing real life issues.)
                [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                Comment


                • Is there anything that your marriage lacks now that it had before - a feeling of closeness, purity, less of a bond, etc?

                  I've got a much higher libido than my wife, so something like this had crossed my mind in moments of desperation years ago. It quickly passed because I don't believe it's a real solution and because I don't want to sacrifice the simple, monogamous intimacy we share. I have always been curious about polyamory - it seems very sophisticated and I do believe it can work to an extent. I just don't see the sacrifice as worth it and it's not compatible with my personality. I feel like I'm cheating if I flirt with another woman.
                  "Those sowing seed with tears
                  Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by jen1447 View Post
                    Not to disparage others, but I think SpicyV is for real as well, which is the main reason I'm giving her situation the respect it deserves.
                    There is no disrespect intended in my questioning. Spicy V, if you think there was, I apologize.
                    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                    Comment


                    • Wasn't referring to you effers, rather the other dubious noob-type posters who show up at our door asking titillating questions out of nowhere.
                      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                      Comment


                      • I have a question or two, Spicy,

                        In your original post, you refer to this being your husband's idea, voiced 8 years ago. The idea was to get needs met and "have some fun on the side". You report that it has worked out well and "we are happier than we have ever been".

                        But in your next post you tell us: "My husband suffers from clinical depression. Sex for us happens very seldom because his sex drive is greatly effected (sic) by it." To my pea brain, there's a certain disconnect between being happier than ever, while suffering from depression. Happy depressed? Referring back to your first post, you commented: "Surprisingly I go out a lot more than he does." How was that a surprise when, in the next breath, you say he's depressed and has no sex drive?

                        In your third post you relate: "My husband has only been with another woman once. Not to sound inappropriate but I want sex a lot." This sounds to me like a 180 from your first post where your husband was the catalyst for an open marriage. Then, he was keen, he broached the topic and, to some extent, pressed the matter. However, 8 years later, at the time of implementation of the plan, it sounds like it holds little charm for him, he's depressed and indifferent, and he's going along to please you.

                        What I see here is that you are not having your sexual desires met at home and your husband has consented to you seeking fulfillment outside your marriage. It does not sound to me as though there is a whole lot of mutuality here. Would I be right?

                        Please understand that my questions and comments are not intended as criticism, moral judgment or anything like that. I myself maintained a polyamorous relationship for about a year. That was a long time ago. It was fine then. I would not seek another relationship of the sort. Now I see these things, for myself, much more in harmony with effy's expressed views. That does not mean that you have to. In short, if what you have genuinely works for you and your husband, then fine.
                        I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

                        Comment


                        • Effy,

                          I don't mind the questions. I wasn't interested in an open marriage when he first talked about it like I said in the original post. I wasn't really fine with the way things where but I accepted them because I love my husband. It took years of talking and working things out before anything happened. I never thought that I would be comfortable being with anyone else. But honestly got me sex has never been about emotional attachment. It is about physical gratification and yes I would much rather enjoy it with someone I care about. I do have a connection with the two men I see regularly. One of them is the first person I met when we started. We are good friends, we talk about all kinds of things enjoy each others company. The other I have been seeing for a few months and we are also friends. I am very upfront about my situation. My husband and I have talked about the possibility of deeper emotional attachments being a possibility as you can't really control those kinds of feelings. His way of seeing it is that as long as we are honest and hold each other first then anything else is ok. This is all just discussion as nothing like this has happened.

                          Comment


                          • Baboy

                            You really don't understand what clinical depression is. It isn't being sad.... There is a whole lot more too it. My husband can see whomever he wants and go out as much as he likes. It is his choice not to do so. As I stated before I still make sure he is ok with everything every time I go out and he know he can say no.

                            Regardless of your disclaimer your posts do sound judgmental. That I am going out and leaving my sad husband alone to have sex. That isn't what is going on. You didn't have any questions just statements.

                            Comment


                            • jen1447

                              I appreciate the support. I joined here so that I could talk about it. The only person I have to talk to about it is one friend and my husband. It is nice to have a fresh perspective. But maybe it was a bad idea.

                              Comment

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