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  • New here and really need advice

    Hi. I've been married to my husband for almost 6 years. When we first got together we had long talks about everything. One thing that included was porn. I told him I have issues with it because, #1) It was a REAL problem in my pervious relationships. My first husband was almost not there when I was giving birth because he was off looking at porn instead of being with me. My last relationship was horrid and that man was a legit addict. He had mags stashed everywhere, tapes, was on the internet, would play with himself and not even clean up the mess. It was HORRIBLE. Anyway, my husband told me then, that porn wasn't something he was into and felt it was a form of cheating and he agreed that hed never look at it. He promised. He also promised open communication and never to lie to me ever.
    Last year I found a few pics on his phone accidentally. We take family photos with his phone and I went in the gallery to look at them and there were crotch shots of other women. I was like yey so whats this about?? He said it wasn't him and BLAMED MY KIDS saying they used his phone and probably did it. Anyway it got dropped. So a few weeks ago I used his phone and saw some suspicious things. And I decided to go look. Saw he was searching names of people he'd "been" with and then up pops all these pic searches. (VERY specific searches) I showed it to him and he again said it wasn't him. No one uses his phone tho so I pointed that out and he still said he never did that. After some talking he finally admitted it was him all along (even when he blamed, yelled at and grounded my kids for it) He said hed ended up on some page on facebook by accident and got curious. Then he went back the very next day and searched it again and pages were removed so he started digging for stuff. Said he did it only in the early morning while drinking coffee. Then it was in the morning mostly but also sometimes in the afternoon / evening when I was in the next room. (hed go in the bathroom and look) He also admitted to me that when we first met my NOW REALLY good girlfriend, that he was attracted to her and that hed flirt and whatnot to see "if he still had it". That was all at the same time as this pic stuff. He said he did it literally every single day for 7 months until I caught him and that he stopped and hasn't done it since. I don't believe him tho because he lied to begin with. I no longer btrust im and that's hard cause hes the first person Ive ever really trusted. I feel not good enough, used, stupid, ugly....betrayed. I love him but I honestly don't know what to do. he still hasn't given me a reason, says he doesn't know. then it was curiosity over if there were new pics added. then it was visual stimulation but says he never used it to have sex with me and he never played with himself. I just don't know. I already had a low opinion of myself and this has destroyed me.

  • I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time Flipundy. Being betrayed by someone you love is hard to deal with. Give yourself permission to feel how you need to feel. Writing thoughts & emotions out has helped me, and I would encourage you to try that. It helps with communication and understanding what's best for you.

    Trust is hard to rebuild, and it's going to take extreme commitment from both you and your husband. There's a lot of fear involved and being open and honest can be difficult.

    Getting some feed back from a support network helps too. Talking with close friends and posting on here can help sooo much when you're working through emotions.

    Comment


    • Thank you so much. This has been very hard for me. We started writing to eachother every day to help open up to each other and get our feelings out. Im not a crier but Ive been breaking down a lot lately. We start counseling tomorrow. Its been 3 weeks since I found out all this so its still so fresh for me. I just needed other ppl to talk to.

      Comment


      • The "no reason" is as much a lie as the one he told about your kids. If you want to save the relationship, you need to find out the "why". There is either a "hole" in the relationship where he feels the need to have the very thing you hate the most or there is a hole in his personality. You can fix the hole in your relationship and rebuild trust. He needs to fix the hole in him or it will happen again and again.

        You need to make it safe for him to talk, but you also need to be firm that he needs to talk in order to save the relationship.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

        Comment


        • Originally posted by flipundy View Post
          Thank you so much. This has been very hard for me. We started writing to eachother every day to help open up to each other and get our feelings out. Im not a crier but Ive been breaking down a lot lately. We start counseling tomorrow. Its been 3 weeks since I found out all this so its still so fresh for me. I just needed other ppl to talk to.
          It really isn't you. I'm so glad that the two of you are starting therapy. It will help in so many ways.
          "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

          Comment


          • That's great that y'all are going to counseling! I don't know about you, but communicating is something I tend to struggle with. I've done the letters back and forth too, anything that can help to make your talks clear and productive.

            Doing things for yourself is important too, Hobbies, exercise, whatever is a good stress reliever for you.

            Comment


            • I'm glad you have an appointment to start counseling. So has he been up to this for the whole 6+ years you've been with him?
              There are plenty of people here to support you and allow you to share your thoughts & feelings. Some are like-minded on porn, others are not. I think all would agree that a trust has been violated & understand your struggle, women & men alike.
              Keep us updated.

              Comment


              • He says it wasn't the whole relationship. Says it was just for that 7 month period. Every single day. Also says he didn't lie in the beginning when he said he didn't like it and that he never used it in his other relationships. That make me worse. He told me last night now that he just thinks all women are "beautiful" and just wanted to look. But that to me kind of contradicts his never using it before and .....I just don't know.... I can understand him thinking like that. Its normal. BUT he didn't JUST start thinking that way. Its been there obviously. I just feel like he still has a lot to admit to . I cant wait to start counseling. I love him and I want to save us so badly.

                Comment


                • The porn/explicit pictures are problematic because you candidly discussed your feelings regarding the effect it had in your past relationships. The bigger issue I see is the deceitfulness and placing blame on innocent bystanders, your children, to cover his tracks. Yelling and grounding them for something he did shows hostility that he was caught.

                  Don't allow his transgressions to diminish who you are. Those negative feelings are the result of past abuse by your partners, and now the man you've trusted with every ounce of your being has proven to be no different. However, he has agreed to counseling, which shows he is willing to make a change, and that is a positive start. You may very well discover more hidden truths going through this process. If so, I'm sure it's going to hurt, but hopefully it will also be the bridge that begins the healing process. You want the relationship to work and it seems like your husband does too. Keep us posted and we'll be here to lend an ear .

                  Best Wishes,
                  Euphoric

                  Comment


                  • Im so glad to talk to people who understand where Im coming from. Im so sick of hearing "they're just pictures". That's not the point. Im nervous about counseling today. I pray he realizes all truths need to come out to make this work. I don't care how much it hurts. In the end, I respect honesty more than I do a lie.

                    Comment


                    • I hope you get the answers you need for peace of mind. How did the first session go?

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                      • Yes, would love an update flip

                        Comment


                        • We went t therapy yesterday and it went well. I got a little worked up talking about things but my feelings were validated. She said how Im feeling is totally normal and my flip flopping between not feeling so bad and being able to be close to him and then not being able to look at him and feeling the hurt of everything is actually a good sign. Means Im trying to work thru things internally. She says I have a right to feel hurt and even "****ed off". That he needs to be understanding and give me the time I need. She says we did a good thing already on our own by starting the notebook we write to each other in at the end of ever day. Ummm we go see her again in two weeks. The one thing she wants me to do less of is the question asking. Says Im never going to get an answer that satisfies me and it'll just keep going and that the focus should be on rebuilding trust, whether that means I need to look thru his phone (he doesn't have it anymore; uses my computer) or if I need little details about his day. I don't want to get into spying on him and all that so I have to think of things he can do that would make me feel better. That's a tough one. I told her by not asking questions and not having an actual answer I feel like hes getting away with something. Cause I still feel like theres more. She says Im going to feel like that even if everything is out in the open. This is so hard. I have to work on trusting him again, rebuilding our marriage and then theres the issue of my self esteem:/ That's impossible. Think its gonna be a looooong road.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by flipundy View Post
                            We went t therapy yesterday and it went well. I got a little worked up talking about things but my feelings were validated. She said how Im feeling is totally normal and my flip flopping between not feeling so bad and being able to be close to him and then not being able to look at him and feeling the hurt of everything is actually a good sign. Means Im trying to work thru things internally. She says I have a right to feel hurt and even "****ed off". That he needs to be understanding and give me the time I need. She says we did a good thing already on our own by starting the notebook we write to each other in at the end of ever day. Ummm we go see her again in two weeks. The one thing she wants me to do less of is the question asking. Says Im never going to get an answer that satisfies me and it'll just keep going and that the focus should be on rebuilding trust, whether that means I need to look thru his phone (he doesn't have it anymore; uses my computer) or if I need little details about his day. I don't want to get into spying on him and all that so I have to think of things he can do that would make me feel better. That's a tough one. I told her by not asking questions and not having an actual answer I feel like hes getting away with something. Cause I still feel like theres more. She says Im going to feel like that even if everything is out in the open. This is so hard. I have to work on trusting him again, rebuilding our marriage and then theres the issue of my self esteem:/ That's impossible. Think its gonna be a looooong road.
                            One question here Flip, is your husband seeing a therapist for his addiction to porn that should be manage first. I would say before you can rebuild that trust issue between you and your husband. Porn addiction can be like a drug or gambling addiction. If your husband really loves you he really shouldn't need to be using a smart phone or tablet or computer at this time unless it's work related. But I am glad to read you seeking professional help to keep your marriage going and work through this trust issue with your husband.I really hope you get back to that day you can Flip. So Thank you for keeping us here on WH inform on how your session are going good luck and god bless you and husband.
                            When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

                            Comment


                            • Hes not seeing a therapist on his own yet because of insurance reasons. He says he hasn't done it since I caught him. I just don't know. But he does seem very adamant about that as a fact. And not in the same way as when he was lying to me and got all defensive.

                              Comment

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