[Crystalblue]

I hope you get the answers you need for peace of mind. How did the first session go?

[atskitty2]

Yes, would love an update flip

[flipundy]

We went t therapy yesterday and it went well. I got a little worked up talking about things but my feelings were validated. She said how Im feeling is totally normal and my flip flopping between not feeling so bad and being able to be close to him and then not being able to look at him and feeling the hurt of everything is actually a good sign. Means Im trying to work thru things internally. She says I have a right to feel hurt and even "****ed off". That he needs to be understanding and give me the time I need. She says we did a good thing already on our own by starting the notebook we write to each other in at the end of ever day. Ummm we go see her again in two weeks. The one thing she wants me to do less of is the question asking. Says Im never going to get an answer that satisfies me and it'll just keep going and that the focus should be on rebuilding trust, whether that means I need to look thru his phone (he doesn't have it anymore; uses my computer) or if I need little details about his day. I don't want to get into spying on him and all that so I have to think of things he can do that would make me feel better. That's a tough one. I told her by not asking questions and not having an actual answer I feel like hes getting away with something. Cause I still feel like theres more. She says Im going to feel like that even if everything is out in the open. This is so hard. I have to work on trusting him again, rebuilding our marriage and then theres the issue of my self esteem:/ That's impossible. Think its gonna be a looooong road.

[Motorguy]

We went t therapy yesterday and it went well. I got a little worked up talking about things but my feelings were validated. She said how Im feeling is totally normal and my flip flopping between not feeling so bad and being able to be close to him and then not being able to look at him and feeling the hurt of everything is actually a good sign. Means Im trying to work thru things internally. She says I have a right to feel hurt and even "****ed off". That he needs to be understanding and give me the time I need. She says we did a good thing already on our own by starting the notebook we write to each other in at the end of ever day. Ummm we go see her again in two weeks. The one thing she wants me to do less of is the question asking. Says Im never going to get an answer that satisfies me and it'll just keep going and that the focus should be on rebuilding trust, whether that means I need to look thru his phone (he doesn't have it anymore; uses my computer) or if I need little details about his day. I don't want to get into spying on him and all that so I have to think of things he can do that would make me feel better. That's a tough one. I told her by not asking questions and not having an actual answer I feel like hes getting away with something. Cause I still feel like theres more. She says Im going to feel like that even if everything is out in the open. This is so hard. I have to work on trusting him again, rebuilding our marriage and then theres the issue of my self esteem:/ That's impossible. Think its gonna be a looooong road.

One question here Flip, is your husband seeing a therapist for his addiction to porn that should be manage first. I would say before you can rebuild that trust issue between you and your husband. Porn addiction can be like a drug or gambling addiction. If your husband really loves you he really shouldn't need to be using a smart phone or tablet or computer at this time unless it's work related. But I am glad to read you seeking professional help to keep your marriage going and work through this trust issue with your husband.I really hope you get back to that day you can Flip. So Thank you for keeping us here on WH inform on how your session are going good luck and god bless you and husband.

[flipundy]

Hes not seeing a therapist on his own yet because of insurance reasons. He says he hasn't done it since I caught him. I just don't know. But he does seem very adamant about that as a fact. And not in the same way as when he was lying to me and got all defensive.

[effy2014]

Flip:

I'd be interested to know what he said in therapy, if you care to share.

While I certainly understand the therapist's reasoning about the question asking, I think you can and will accept a reasonable truth. So far you've gotten lies. Rather than view the absence of an answer to mean that he is getting away with something (that is more like a parent-child) relationship, think of it as helping closure. We humans are a curious bunch and really do need answers. If you knew and he/both of you could work on whatever real answer was given, trust would be easier to rebuild.

Good luck to the both of you.

[flipundy]

When we got there he told her why we were there, what brought us to this point. He told her he'd given me the answers and that he's being totally honest. He said he loves me and wants to work this out, that he's willing to do whatever it takes for how ever long it takes. She asked him how it all started and he told her like he told me that he accidentally clicked on a link and there were pics there. He liked it because he thinks women are beautiful. He went back because he was curious about if they'd added any new pics. To which I asked, "does it really matter??" She asked him straight out if he used the pics to masturbate to or if he used me for sex after because he was aroused and his answer was no. I have such a hard time believing that. He said he "just looked at pictures". And didn't once think about how it would affect me. He says he was selfish. My issue is he KNEW how I felt about this stuff. We talked about forever ago. He says he got scared when I first found pics on his phone so he freaked out because he didn't want to lose me so he lied and blamed my kids. He said he knew and knows how wrong that is. Funny tho, I checked my computer history today and he was googling "am I still physically attracted to my wife quizzes" on June 13th.......I feel like if you need a quiz, you already know the answer to that question. I just saw that a few mins ago.

[Claret]

I find it hard to fathom (unless he wants to be caught) that he wouldn't know how to delete search history, history of sites visited, or how to create a phantom account that only he would have access to.

[flipundy]

He didn't realize facebook saved searches. lol.... and im not convinced there isn't stuff I don't know about and never will because he did clean his phone all the time. Now he's using my computer and if its all of the sudden squeaky clean, I'll know something is up.

[Crystalblue]

PLEASE don't go down that road! There's nothing wrong with you or how attractive you are! Your husband made a stupid, foolish, and selfish choice you didn't cause or deserve. If you want & need reassurance, tell him, but don't blame his hurtful actions on yourself.