New here and really need advice

[effy2014]

Flip:

I'd be interested to know what he said in therapy, if you care to share.

While I certainly understand the therapist's reasoning about the question asking, I think you can and will accept a reasonable truth. So far you've gotten lies. Rather than view the absence of an answer to mean that he is getting away with something (that is more like a parent-child) relationship, think of it as helping closure. We humans are a curious bunch and really do need answers. If you knew and he/both of you could work on whatever real answer was given, trust would be easier to rebuild.

Good luck to the both of you.

[flipundy]

When we got there he told her why we were there, what brought us to this point. He told her he'd given me the answers and that he's being totally honest. He said he loves me and wants to work this out, that he's willing to do whatever it takes for how ever long it takes. She asked him how it all started and he told her like he told me that he accidentally clicked on a link and there were pics there. He liked it because he thinks women are beautiful. He went back because he was curious about if they'd added any new pics. To which I asked, "does it really matter??" She asked him straight out if he used the pics to masturbate to or if he used me for sex after because he was aroused and his answer was no. I have such a hard time believing that. He said he "just looked at pictures". And didn't once think about how it would affect me. He says he was selfish. My issue is he KNEW how I felt about this stuff. We talked about forever ago. He says he got scared when I first found pics on his phone so he freaked out because he didn't want to lose me so he lied and blamed my kids. He said he knew and knows how wrong that is. Funny tho, I checked my computer history today and he was googling "am I still physically attracted to my wife quizzes" on June 13th.......I feel like if you need a quiz, you already know the answer to that question. I just saw that a few mins ago.

[Claret]

I find it hard to fathom (unless he wants to be caught) that he wouldn't know how to delete search history, history of sites visited, or how to create a phantom account that only he would have access to.

[flipundy]

He didn't realize facebook saved searches. lol.... and im not convinced there isn't stuff I don't know about and never will because he did clean his phone all the time. Now he's using my computer and if its all of the sudden squeaky clean, I'll know something is up.

[Crystalblue]

PLEASE don't go down that road! There's nothing wrong with you or how attractive you are! Your husband made a stupid, foolish, and selfish choice you didn't cause or deserve. If you want & need reassurance, tell him, but don't blame his hurtful actions on yourself.

[flipundy]

Its so hard not to tho. My first marriage was affected badly by this when I was pregnant. He wasn't with me when I was close to delivery because he was consumed with this. My last relationship was with a porn addict. And when my husband told me he wasn't into this, that it did nothing for him and that he never used it for those reasons I thought "finally"...... he still says he never felt a need to use it in pervious relationships, so then I have to wonder what is wrong with me??

[flipundy]

how do you put a profile pic up?? I cant figure this site out:/

[effy2014]

Keep the quiz in your pocket for the next therapy session and ask if he is questioning his attraction to you. It may be an interesting discussion. Have there been any significant changes in his or your bodies over the past 6 years? Has there been an overall decline in the intimacy in your marriage?

While the deceit is an issue as is the lack of sensitivity to your feelings, looking at pics of naked women is not a horrible offense. If he uses it as a proxy for sex with you or it otherwise affects how he treats you, then it becomes an issue. Many of the happily married or attached men on this forum, me included, have watched porn. It's when porn creeps into reality that problems occur.

[flipundy]

For me just the fact that he looked at is is a huge offense because it was agreed that he wouldn't from the start because of my history with it in relationships and because he said he never did as it did nothing for him. But the biggest issue is the deception for sure. I cant help but think it was because he lost attraction to me. We were together 4 years without it and all of the sudden he needed it. As far as how we've changed over the years, he has gained a lot of weight and is having dental issues I know he's insecure about. Im still the same except I have fine lines starting to show on my face. The problem is that I was already a mess when we got together. Id had 4 kids and two C-sections before him. So nothing is where it should be, things have gone flat, there's stretch marks, scars.... not attractive at all. I get to feeling like maybe he started thinking " really? this is what I married?" Maybe he needed that to be with me.

[effy2014]

Its so hard not to tho. My first marriage was affected badly by this when I was pregnant. He wasn't with me when I was close to delivery because he was consumed with this. My last relationship was with a porn addict. And when my husband told me he wasn't into this, that it did nothing for him and that he never used it for those reasons I thought "finally"...... he still says he never felt a need to use it in pervious relationships, so then I have to wonder what is wrong with me??

I agree with Chrystal, don't go down this road. The vast majority of men look at porn . . . not every day but once in a while. For the vast majority of those men, it is never an issue. We truly do not compare pics to our women and understand reality from fiction.

Your past relationship made you hypersensitive to the issue, which is perfectly understandable. A man who almost misses the birth of his baby because of it has many more issues than a love of porn. But in the path to redemption for your current husband, concentrate on the deception, potential addiction and how he treats your feelings, not that he is a pervert.

[flipundy]

yea I think that I was hurt by it to begin with, then to find out it was every single day. sometimes several times a day I lost my mind.

[flipundy]

Oh and as far as intimacy, no that's not declined. Its as its always been.

[jen1447]

how do you put a profile pic up?? I cant figure this site out:/

Go to the forum actions dropdown menu at the top of the page and select edit profile. Then under settings, select the avatar listing and it will open an interface for you to choose or upload a picture.

[flipundy]

Thank you Jen!

[effy2014]

Oh and as far as intimacy, no that's not declined. Its as its always been.

Have you and he been happy with how it's always been? I know how difficult finding intimate time with kids running around.

People sooth themselves in different ways. There are depression eaters (an in-and-out burger is my favorite depression food), sleepers, etc. If he has been feeling down about himself for the weight gain and dental issues, he may just have been trying something to sooth himself.