[Euphoric]

I've refrain from commenting on this because my thoughts may be skewed, however, there are a few comments that make me question his lifestyle.

He didn't drink at all then. For the past year it had been a regular thing for him to drink all weekend and any days off, to the point where he would just pass out in the living room.

That night he told me he had used some of our condoms while I was gone. He had said he put them on my "toy" and used it on himself because he wanted to know what it felt like. Now...my issue here isn't about him liking that because he has his own toys. That wasn't a secret. I've used them on him.

There's a pattern to how he acts and it seems to follow the thought that what I don't know, won't hurt me.

He says he wants us to be together, that he's not wanting or looking for anything else, and that he thought his porn use might be the problem.

Is it possible, by viewing porn, he's wrestling with sexual fantasies or identity? CW makes an excellent point about excessive alcohol use, especially when he never drank before. Admitting that he used condoms and your toys brings up a point of curiosity. He has his own toys and that's never been an issue, in fact, you have used them on him. Then why explore with yours? I think there's a reason. Maybe he does have the attitude what you don't know won't hurt but that could be because he embarrassed to admit he's fantasizing about alternative relations and fighting an alternative urge?

He is putting forth an effort by initiating marriage counseling and he's making an effort to spend quality time with the family. I don't think all is lost here, watching porn may have sparked an interest he didn't know existed and as a result he acted out to suppress those emotions.

Again, my thoughts may be skewed a bit, I'm just thinking out of the box. His behavior seems to have taken a radical turn. He is trying and wants to make things better. I think you'll have his support with the sweet baby girl that going to make a grand entrance any day now. Jen's correct, you have a firm grasp on reality. I hope counseling opens the lines of communication and eventually your marriage will be stronger.

[effy2014]

I also waited to respond until I had the time to digest your story and to read your prior thread from 2011. I will admit to only reading through 9 pages (I think it's 17), but I feel like I have enough information to make an informed response.

Your husband appears to have a very strong addictive personality. You met him in a recovery program. He had been to jail for some reason related to his addiction. He became (or was always) addicted to video games, which occupied his time instead of the marriage. It's difficult to know when it started, but he then became addicted to sexting (through texts and Skype). You did not mention in 2011 that he was drinking again, but that addiction started again, just about the time you became pregnant. Then the sexting began again (although it appears to me that it escalated a bit since his boss was physically present at the bar but it appears that nothing happened). Now, porn is involved, another very addictive behavior. I have summarized his behaviors in this manner because I believe that this is an addiction problem more than a marital one. For whatever reasons, and I think he desperately needs to understand his demons and triggers, he is self soothing in an intentionally very destructive way.

I do not think that the root of his behavior is you or the relationship. When he is able to exercise control over his addictions, he tries very hard to be a good husband. He appears to be very remorseful over his indiscretions. He makes great efforts to change. He did so in 2011 only to backslide. My guess is that you were too sick and focused on this pregnancy to be more proactive when he resumed drinking. Addicts are not trustworthy and cannot be trusted until they have control over their addiction. Based on your posts, he does not have control over his demons.

I am not a psychologist and my understanding of addictions are from my own set of behaviors and from the behaviors of some people I am close with. However, it all fits from your two threads (unless there was something I missed in pages 10-17). You need to completely focus on the new baby and your other two children. The direction of your marriage is an issue best addressed when the baby is old enough for you to start working again and can be independent. The more urgent need is for your husband to get back into recovery for his addictions. That is where I suggest he put his efforts to save the marriage.

[jns]

For Crystalblue's 2011 thread go to: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...husband-s.html

[effy2014]

Thanks jns,I had to find it the hard way by searching key words.

By the way, I read more of the thread. CW nailed his addictive personality on page 16!

[jns]

I have my settings at 40 posts per page (which I might suggest to many) so the post you are talking about is on page 4 toward the end. It is post #155.

[Crystalblue]

I'm really having to pace myself dealing with this. I had a complete melt down Saturday, and spent most of the day crying. I've been letting myself be upset here & there away from the kids, but this was the first time I broke down like that & was just out of commission for the day.

Thanks Jen, that's really sweet. For your questions, no, I don't feel like I can trust my husband right now. I know he can be trustworthy, but since addiction is a lot of the issue, I can't trust him to follow through even though I believe he means what he says 100%. I can tell he wants to stay married & keeping his family is important to him.

For me to be happy... to keep it simple, I picture a park picnic with family and friends. I know my kids are happy and feel loved, and everyone's having fun and there for each other. A couple of dogs would be awesome, too.

[jen1447]

You sound like kitty lol (loves dogs too).

So is that picture your life right now, or anything close to it?

[Crystalblue]

CW, I talked about this at counseling today. He's never been the family guy that wanted to do outings or trips to the playground, so him not only taking us out as a family, but doing the planning and coming up with ways to have fun with the kids is a really big deal and a huge change.

I do worry about stress over work and money getting to him. He likes his job, and comes home in a good mood most of the time, but we're check to check with another little one on the way any day now, so it's a lot. I'm sure part of it is an outlet for him to unwind and relax, but the way he was going overboard with drinking and the way he would talk about it gave me the impression he was trying to catch up on what he missed out on and be the party college guy.

He's been patient with me and hasn't tried to rush me through how I'm feeling, so that helps me feel like I can talk to him about how I'm dealing with where we're at. It's slow going for me right now. Think I'm waiting to let myself grieve over the relationship I thought we had and give myself time to see what we actually have. I know I love him, but I guess I need time to see what kind of person he's going to be.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I hate seeing people cry, good job I'm on the other side of the World BUT, it's really a good thing to do, it has to be done to let all those built up emotions find an outlet.

I'm actually very proud of you in the way that you are handling things, this is tough.

I try to see things from a male and female, think you've worked that out about me. I don't actually think that he is coping. We live in a World that is so different. Once, you could come home and the kids would be happy climbing a tree, eat the food home grown. Now the amount of money that we have to spend on children, let alone food, etsa, gas, cars, rent/mortgages is beyond comprehension. It, I believe is his outlet but also his 'only' way of having some peace more than likely and his additive personality can not stop it unless he finds a way around all of this pressure and then latches on to a different addiction.

There is no blame, fault he loves his family deep down inside. I hope you buy a lottery ticket, win and live happily ever after now wouldn't that be awesome

Can there be any cuts? Changes? Something?

Just my gut feeling. x

[Crystalblue]

We've actually talked about this, Euphoric. I think it came up because it was getting upset about him wanting to have sex while he was drunk. I told him it was happening too often over the weekends, and he was either too aggressive & hurt me or he would just lay there, but mostly I was starting to take it personally and it was hurting my feelings. He said that there were things he wanted to ask me to do and was embarrassed about it, and it was easier for him when he had been drinking. I told him I understood, but that he didn't have to be and anything we tried would go better and be more enjoyable if he wasn't drunk.

I'm not a sexually adventurous person. I've never been comfortable talking about sex even with close friends. To me, it's just too private, but I think I've been open about it with my husband. I never laughed at him or said anything to close the door on trying anything. I wouldn't be ok with having an open marriage or bringing anyone else into our sex life, but I'm far from being judgmental or closed minded when it comes to exploring with each other. He's the only man I've ever had sex with, so everything we've done has started out as a new experience for me. Anything new he wants is new territory for me, too. Maybe that makes it harder for him to not be embarrassed about it, but I look at it as something that should be exciting and special for both of us.

It'll have to be something we work back up to at this point because right now I don't trust him enough to be able to share something new with him sexually. I need to feel comfortable and know that I'm respected and valued. That's going to take some time before we can get back to the level we were at and try to cover new ground.

Anyway, I don't think your advice is skewed at all. It sounds likely that you've nailed an issue I hadn't considered. Thanks for the reply.