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My spouse called me a crazy, dumb, ****************************tch...

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  • My spouse called me a crazy, dumb, ****************************tch...

    What would you do if your husband or bf called you a crazy, dumb, **********? My spouse called me these names twice during an argument and on that second time I snapped and yelled at him and told him "call me a ********** one more time!" and he didn't. I think I "scared" him, for he does not want end up at the shelter or a friends couch (I own the house). It all started, when we were in the living room watching television and laying on the couch one on each side. He was "tired" and falling asleep. The way were positioned on the couch, I tucked my left foot toes under his back and I guess that annoyed him and snapped at me, basically he didn't want me to touch him... The next day, when we are both more calm, I tell him I expect an apology for calling me "crazy, dumb, **********", and he tells me he doesn't not owe me no apology, that he did not do nothing wrong and that he called me that because I started acting like that for exaggerating and I guess being "over emotional" about it... really!!? Ironically, his little buddy (big womanizer) was coming to spend a night at our place the next day (he was on a road trip) and I'm thinking the idea of having his buddy over and him being in a relationship and "stuck" with me, this developed some anger and frustration and therefor bad treatment towards me. It's the second time he has a friend spend the night and he changes in a way that is noticeable to me. He does not caress me, touch me or just be loving when his friends are around. It angers me, annoys me and I just start annoying him, which evidently will make him mad too.
    Last edited by Little; 08-10-2014, 05:38 AM.

  • Welcome to WH.

    Can I ask how old you both are?

    Reading what you wrote, suggests he's immature and still is a sheep around his friends but you also make it sound as if, without those friends in his life, your relationship is good.

    So, can you tell us what your "usual" relationship also, is like with your SO.
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment


    • And how long have you been together & how long living together?

      Comment


      • I agree with CW. He seems immature . . . not just for snapping at you, but failing to apologize. Name calling is inappropriate. However, intentionally annoying him because you are annoyed by his behavior is also immature. As my friend Stillness would say, we are also responsible for our provoking behaviors.

        Real communication is needed here. If he doesn't have the skills, to communicate without becoming defensive, it is something you need to work on to make sure that the relationship can thrive. Both of you need space to communicate your feelings and resolve these kinds of issues.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

        Comment


        • I'm 31 and he's 24. Yes, big age difference. I hate being a "cooger" but we didn't know each others age until after we started dating. We met in the Army, and we were friends there, we always got along and it wasn't till 3 years later that we fell for each other. He said he always had a secret crush on me. But I was married (i'm a widow) and he was single and flirtatious. We have a one year old son and have been living together for the past 2 years. He is a great guy (generally most of the time), when it's just us 3 at home or when there's a mix crowd (for example). But I've noticed he tends to change whenever it's buddies (his age) around. And it makes me think, wow! i can imagine how he acts when i'm not around and he's with his buddies (at work for example)...

          Comment


          • We've known each other for 5 years and lived together for 2

            Comment


            • That's only 7 years, I wouldn't say you're a cougar That's not a big age difference to me, but it is a marker of 2 very different phases in life. I think that he is probably the usual level of maturity for that age group, generally speaking.

              I think calling you names is inappropriate at any age, any maturity level and disrespectfulness shouldn't be tolerated. I think your hunch is probably right, that he's very different away from you. That may not be indicative of negativity, but again, immature & potentially worrisome.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by vehementa View Post
                What would you do if your husband or bf called you a crazy, dumb, ****************************************? My spouse called me these names twice during an argument and on that second time I snapped and yelled at him and told him "call me a **************************************** one more time!" and he didn't. I think I "scared" him, for he does not want end up at the shelter or a friends couch (I own the house). It all started, when we were in the living room watching television and laying on the couch one on each side. He was "tired" and falling asleep. The way were positioned on the couch, I tucked my left foot toes under his back and I guess that annoyed him and snapped at me, basically he didn't want me to touch him... The next day, when we are both more calm, I tell him I expect an apology for calling me "crazy, dumb, ****************************************", and he tells me he doesn't not owe me no apology, that he did not do nothing wrong and that he called me that because I started acting like that for exaggerating and I guess being "over emotional" about it... really!!? Ironically, his little buddy (big womanizer) was coming to spend a night at our place the next day (he was on a road trip) and I'm thinking the idea of having his buddy over and him being in a relationship and "stuck" with me, this developed some anger and frustration and therefor bad treatment towards me. It's the second time he has a friend spend the night and he changes in a way that is noticeable to me. He does not caress me, touch me or just be loving when his friends are around. It angers me, annoys me and I just start annoying him, which evidently will make him mad too.
                Well my feeling Vehementa, you having a relationship with a child mentally. You really deserved better then this guy when he's at work. So packed his bags set them at the front door when he comes home tell him to get the blank out now. You can do a whole a lot better then this guy he will never respect you as a women for calling you these terrible names like he does. He will never change till he pulls his head out of his ****. There is way more better guys out there you can date and have relationship with that can make you happy and eventually marriage. I feel you know what you need to do and that is just, you needing to act on it and change your life for the better.
                When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

                Comment


                • I "scared" him, for he does not want end up at the shelter or a friends couch
                  I'm thinking the idea of having his buddy over and him being in a relationship and "stuck" with me,
                  I just start annoying him
                  Scared him, as it's your home. Stuck with you. Annoy him.

                  Read what you just wrote above.

                  It could be that you truly believe that that he's stuck with you but you can't dangle carrots and emotionally threaten, it's my house and if you annoy me, I'll annoy you more, if you call me a name, I'll send you to the curb it's my house.

                  Marriage is about fun, happiness, love, togetherness. I also don't think you are a Cougar rather, as Kitty said two completely different phases in life the 20's and the 30's.

                  Remember why you fell for him, forget who owns what and let him still be a "lad" here and there, let your hair down a little too.

                  Be mates yourselves.

                  The bits I highlighted I did because I got the impression that this is a bit on-going. If you threaten to kick him out, tell him it's your house, he's stuck with you. He will eventually walk. No he should not have called you names but ask honestly was it your leg that got in the way or what he expects/ed you to be like around his mate the next day.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • he needs to learn to respect you. You can have your disagreements but to call each other names is irrational and disrespectful as it does not solve the issue. Your guy needs to learn respect and apologize otherwise your relationship will struggle which will be bad for your son.
                    It's all fun and games until you mess with a Portuguese girl.

                    -

                    Comment


                    • The last partner that called me names got dumped. That's a deal breaker for a lot of people. I'm concerned about him not apologizing, and it happening again. The relationship will just deteriorate with resentment, if that keeps happening.
                      "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

                      Comment


                      • He was 20 and you 29 when you started living together. He's dependent upon you for his housing and now he's "stuck" with you because of his child.

                        When his friends come around, he sees their "freedom" and the "fun" they are having and probably has some doubts about his decision.

                        Rather than pulling the "motherly" card on him and making him feel trapped and "controlled", which he already feels, with the lectures about apologies and respect, consider a little empathy.

                        From his point of view, he's "sacrificed" his twenties for you and the child. Presumably he believes he works hard and deserves to rest. So he's lying on the couch falling asleep and, rather than help him get some rest, you ungratefully disturb his sleep to warm your toes.

                        He was already feeling irritable and sorry for himself because of his friend's visit. So what you did pushed him over the edge. Sure is wasn't the most mature reaction, but you didn't choose a mature man, so you have to take some responsibility for the situation. Presumably he's taken on a lot of responsibility for a 22 year-old, so he's growing and not entirely self-centered. You're going to have to grant some grace while he is maturing.

                        You could say something like:

                        "...I've been thinking about the other night when we got into our fight and I realized that it is probably hard for you to watch your single friends running off and spend their twenties being carefree. And the way I treated you was disrespectful and condescending. I want you to know that I respect you for being the man of the family and taking responsibility for the care of me and our child. I know it's a lot to carry for a 22 year-old and I appreciate the man you are and sacrifices you are making..."

                        Being a strong team means recognizing each other's struggles and doing what you can to help the other overcome them. And often it means swallowing our pride and granting some undeserved grace. There are plenty of instances when we can righteously mount our high horse and claim the moral superiority, but that rarely draws us together.

                        I'd guess that when you GENUINELY humble yourself and apologize for your disrespect, he will probably do the same.

                        Good luck

                        Comment

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