Wife had emotional affair and possibly sexual, having hard time

[All4Her]

Hello all! I have been going over this in my head over and over and just hoped I would be able to find some insight from men and women alike, and from searches online I found my way to this forum. I have read through various threads and everyone here seems genuinely helpful so I figured I would post my own issue that I am currently struggling with. So any insight, opinions, questions, are all greatly appreciated and I thank you all in advance.

So I guess I'll start from the beginning.

My wife and I have been married now for over 5 years. We actually met online and chatted for a long long time before we met in person. Afterwards you couldn't really separate us. I'm younger then my wife. 34, and my wife is 44. We have very different interest in our hobbies (she likes to watch movies, shows, sing, talk, where I am more the type for gaming, movies, reading, audio video tech stuff, computers, etc).

Another difference is how we socially interact with people (meaning with her everyone she meets, is automatically a friend, loves them regardless, where myself I'm friendly with them but they are an acquaintance, which is a lot to do how our childhood was. She didn't have lots of friends and was picked on because of her weight, where i had tons of friends and later found out the difference between friends and acquaintances the hard way. She also has to be around people all the time, where I can go either way but at times appreciate solitude)

I'm more direct and do not beat around the bush or sugar coat things because the intended message is lost more often then not doing that were she is the opposite. We actually balance each other out pretty well. She gets me to ease up and I bring her back down to reality when needed. Hopefully this gives a little insight as to who we each are individually as people to some degree.

I have never been a jealous person. I feel it is something that is not needed if you are confident in yourself. Which I have been our relationship. So anyways when we started dating her Ex would always call her and make inappropriate remarks and she would tell me I wish he would just leave me alone. It was to the point of harassment. So I contacted him directly letting him know this stops now. She doesn't want to hear or speak to you etc etc. If it happens again I will come see you personally. Needless to say he disappeared. Poof gone. Now this ex according to my wife cheated on her. was setting up dates with people online saying he was in a sexless relationship etc etc. Basically he was a horrible person. So shortly after dating we were engaged and shortly thereafter married.

Now I really never asked for anything from my wife like not keeping in contact with her exes because she saw them as friends. One of which even had a key which I made give back. I only asked that she not continuously talk about her past relationships with them to me out of respect because she did for a long time.

So fast forward some we moved into a bigger nicer place. Everything was good or so I though. She would have her girls nights out to karaoke, and nails, hair days, shopping, and church on sunday (which I didn't go to most of the time) etc. I used to go to karaoke with her but stopped after we got married. I figured it gave us time to do our own thing. So I could play a game online and she could do her thing.

So fast forward some more, and things hadn't changed much. I was playing an online game fairly regularly but tried to be done when she was home. sometimes I wasn't, lots of times I was.

At this point looking back it is where I had become complacent and I wasn't trying. We were intimate not as much as before. So I fully take the blame on this part here. Which I have since fixed, and admitted to her this, and things have gotten better. but this change didn't happen until everything had come to light.

Fast forward to this year. just after 4th of july. I was in the office playing my game, and came out and she was on her ipad looking at herpes. I was like wtf are you looking at, and she said she looked up bumps on bottom because she had a heat rash but this is what came up. After everything came to light I googled multiple possibilities of that phrase and it doesn't even bring up anything close to what she was looking at i didnt do this until after everything went down though.

So this happened I kind of dismissed it. Then something happened to our iphones and we were not getting our email from our accounts. I figuured out what was wrong but I needed to log in to fix it. So I fixed mine she then gave me her password to fix her's. Something told me to check her email. I did and was mostly clean except for one thing. Someone asking her to call and her responding that she cannot because she is at home. The name of the guy asking was the name of her ex that I got rid of long ago.

So I started checking phone records. And noticed the day of that email. she called a number shortly after she received it. I thought back to that day and she did leave the house early that morning. So I kept digging and found a pattern. Every Sunday as soon as she left teh house that number would call or she would call/text it. I called the number no answer but the voicemail name was that of her exes. I checked more and found more strange numbers. same pattern. only texted or talked to when she was gone or I wasnt home.

I just kind of sat back for a day gathering info. Went to work and tried to make it through the day. Told her we need to talk when I get home. She wanted to know what it was I called her out on it. She said it was him and that it was innocent and she only ran into him a few times at karaoke. (Lie 1) we 3way called him. I said my piece told him to hang up the phone, he did and he was gone for a 2nd time for now at least.

I asked how she got in touch with him she said facebook. I told her I want the password for it. She gave it to me. I logged in right away and saw another message to another guy who I know she slept with once long ago before me. Saying We cannot talk anymore Im going to try and work on my marriage. By this time I had numbers for days to call so I dug some. found his number. Again he was part of the pattern. I checked the phone records of text sent before we did the 3way call and she sent her ex 2 text and a 3rd to a different number. again part of the pattern.

Got home we argued, I threw something, she deleted her facebook, so on and so forth.

I still couldn't shake teh feeling something wasn't right. Went to work the next day but left early because I found something else. The other number she sent a text to before the 3way call was a co worker, whom I found an email from asking if she is happy and how he could make her happy etc etc. Again she said this was innocent and he only contacted her about work.

At this point I said screw it and I recovered a back up of her iphone and looked for deleted text messages. Broke my heart

Some were bits and pieces that I had to put together but her asking one of the la quinta or best western, her saying mmm i want some of you, and being followed by do you want to hook up then a few responses later saying she doesnt feel about about it but it may not have hit her yet. lots of sexting, being asked if she is going to stay with me and her response being i dont know. So I called her out again, and told her I'm recovering her actual phone when she gets home. then all of the sudden her phone was wiped out when she did a sync at work.

I then basically kind of manipulated the situation telling her just tid bits of things I know and if she lies I'll know if she doesn't answer truthfully.

Basically what she told me was she would see her ex almost every sunday when running errands just for a coffee or something, nothing more. the others were just sexting and not all the time.

It was 4 guys and possibly a mystery 5th. The mystery fifth is teh one I honestly believe she slept with though I have no proof. Found out she had been having inappropriate conversations since 2011...we were married in 2009.

We have since been to a marriage counselor and been spending lots of time together. I quit my game, she has said she should give up karaoke because I associate her doing this with karaoke so even hearing it puts me in a bad mood.

I just feel now that Im being unfair to her taking away her singing, I go to church with her now. But I analyze everything she does. if I even hear a little white lie come out of her mouth I call her on it. It just seems like everything is so unfair now. Our sex life has improved lots. like everyday now almost and 2.3 times a day on saturdays and sundays. Shortly their after I have showered her with gifts, michael kors, levian, iphone 6, just anything I can to try and show her I love her and how beautiful I think she is but I still look at her and dont think I will ever be able to give her that unconditional trust she once had.

A few weeks ago I showed her everything I found so she could see it from my end and it broke her. when I showed her one month were she text me 3 times...and just one of those guys 287 times.

I think what kills me is the not knowing. Should I hunt down the absolute truth? I honestly feel I could get over a sexual affair, but emotional is almost worse for me, and the deception and lies.

I just don't know anymore. I'm not even sure now what I'm expecting from writing this. Maybe I just needed to tell someone. idk either way thank you for reading.

[effy2014]

It is good to vent and I feel badly for you that this has happened in your marriage. You have some big decisions to make on where the future will lead. My initial thoughts are:

1. Rather than focus on the details, which will drive you nuts, use therapy to uncover all of the "holes" in your relationship. What needs of hers did she feel was unmet that she had to find in someone else. Affairs, whether emotional or physical, usually arise from issues in the relationship. There is usually some fault on each if the parties. If these holes can be fixed, then work on them. You will learn so e great communication and trust building tools in therapy.

2. Make a decision whether you are in or out. There is no halfway. I think that is where you are right now -- wanting to fix things but not trusting her in the least. Those are incompatible and will sabotage any chance you have of making it through this. If you are in, agree to a process of trust building and then stick to it. No snooping, no investigations, etc. You need to give her a path to redemption which does not include giving up all of her privacy and dignity.

3. Both of you need to get tested immediately for STDs.

I am curious why you feel that you need to know every detail. What will that do for you? It seems to me that it will do way more harm than good.

This will be a long road to put things back on track with your marriage. I wish both of you the best.

[Stillness]

Should I hunt down the absolute truth?

Your intuition led you to cut through lies, pour through emails and phone records, call boyfriends, and manipulate to get to the truth. Why half-step now?

Is it the sex? Normally I’d give you a hi-five for getting it in like that, but sex can do bad things too. It can make you feel like you’re in paradise, when what’s really happening is that rottenness is being covered up. You need to take extra effort to process intellectually if you’re going to be having all of that sex, because this is not over. If it was, you wouldn’t be here.

In Christianity we have the concept of confession. People think Catholicism, but it’s universal regardless of your church. For example, the Proverb says:

“The one covering over his transgressions will not succeed,
But whoever confesses and abandons them will be shown mercy.”

-Proverbs 28:13

This only works to the extent that it’s tuned in to natural law. I believe that it is fully. When people say things like, “What you don’t know won’t hurt” or “I wouldn’t want to know.” They’re shying away from the truth. They’re also punishing the wrongdoer though, thinking maybe that since they did the wrong, then they have to live with it. And that’s exactly what it does.

Your relationship has been possibly scarred permanently by lies and secrets. What do you want it to be based on now? Punishing and secrets? Can your wife heal by holding this stuff in? Can you? Also, she even worth it? Can she respect you as a man if you don’t see this thing through? Think around all the lovin’ you’re getting.

[All4Her]

It is good to vent and I feel badly for you that this has happened in your marriage. You have some big decisions to make on where the future will lead. My initial thoughts are:

1. Rather than focus on the details, which will drive you nuts, use therapy to uncover all of the "holes" in your relationship. What needs of hers did she feel was unmet that she had to find in someone else. Affairs, whether emotional or physical, usually arise from issues in the relationship. There is usually some fault on each if the parties. If these holes can be fixed, then work on them. You will learn so e great communication and trust building tools in therapy.

2. Make a decision whether you are in or out. There is no halfway. I think that is where you are right now -- wanting to fix things but not trusting her in the least. Those are incompatible and will sabotage any chance you have of making it through this. If you are in, agree to a process of trust building and then stick to it. No snooping, no investigations, etc. You need to give her a path to redemption which does not include giving up all of her privacy and dignity.

3. Both of you need to get tested immediately for STDs.

I am curious why you feel that you need to know every detail. What will that do for you? It seems to me that it will do way more harm than good.

This will be a long road to put things back on track with your marriage. I wish both of you the best.

Yeah that is the first thing I did. Find what it is that she was missing or felt I wasn't providing for her and begun providing. I realized and told her where I feel Im at fault and if there was anything else I needed to know in order to fix it. I told her if she spent even half as much time discussing our relationship and unhappiness with me as she did them we wouldn't be where we are now. I also realize that it is not entirely my fault and we discussed that in one of our sessions. its 50/50. She played as much a part in her unhappiness as I did.

I'm in, I wouldn't be here on this site or trying to figure out ways to make it better if I wasn't. She truly is the exception though because if it were anyone else I would have left without a thought. I mean hell I haven't talked to my own father in more then 15 years for less then this.

Yeah I had her get tested and she came back clean. I myself haven't been tested though I do need to do that.

I think I have the need to know not every detail but just to know. I mean she lied repeatedly to me for so long. I need honesty. No matter how bad it is. At least I know she is capable of telling me the truth, and I feel like if I keep digging and dont find anything then I know she was telling me the truth or hid it much better so I would at least think it's done and their is nothing else to find and at the same time if I do find something I know she cannot be truthful with me and I would take that as a tool to base my decision.

The problem id at this point we are already working on making things better so if I keep picking the scab it will never heal.

Your intuition led you to cut through lies, pour through emails and phone records, call boyfriends, and manipulate to get to the truth. Why half-step now?

Is it the sex? Normally I’d give you a hi-five for getting it in like that, but sex can do bad things too. It can make you feel like you’re in paradise, when what’s really happening is that rottenness is being covered up. You need to take extra effort to process intellectually if you’re going to be having all of that sex, because this is not over. If it was, you wouldn't be here.

In Christianity we have the concept of confession. People think Catholicism, but it’s universal regardless of your church. For example, the Proverb says:

-Proverbs 28:13

This only works to the extent that it’s tuned in to natural law. I believe that it is fully. When people say things like, “What you don’t know won’t hurt” or “I wouldn’t want to know.” They’re shying away from the truth. They’re also punishing the wrongdoer though, thinking maybe that since they did the wrong, then they have to live with it. And that’s exactly what it does.

Your relationship has been possibly scarred permanently by lies and secrets. What do you want it to be based on now? Punishing and secrets? Can your wife heal by holding this stuff in? Can you? Also, she even worth it? Can she respect you as a man if you don’t see this thing through? Think around all the lovin’ you’re getting.

No it isn't the sex. Sex has never been a big deal to me, but it's more for her because that is one of the things that makes her feel loved and that I want to be with her. Our sex life has always been good, though it did decline after a few years of marriage it was good. Most things are not off the table so in that regard we have never had any problems.

So half stepping now doesn't really have anything to do with the sex, it is more reluctance to prevent doing more harm then good. I don't want to punish her, and doing this would probably make her feel awful. I do try to process as much as possibly intellectually. I'm actually a compliance analyst and very analytic, I try to think further ahead of the curve and have foresight to my decisions.

At the same time I would think it would be liberating for her to get it off her chest. Secrets eat people alive depending on the person. They can be toxic to multiple people.

I told her my feeling in regards to how I feel she views me and has little respect if any at all for me. I mean. I don't drink, run the streets, cheat on her, I had one ex talk to me in the time we were married and she got insanely jealous she said she didn't like it stopped, her previous exs some were in and out of jail, one literally was a closet addict stole from her, been cheated on, I try to show her the utmost love and respect, which she basically spit on. I'm pretty simple I ask very little of anyone. Don't lie to me, don't steal from me, don't emotionally hurt my mom, sister, wife or dog. That's pretty much it lol.

In 5 years I have never with exception over this raised my voice or yelled at her, never laid a hand on her, and been there through all of her breakdowns and everything else thats happened such as a miscarriage, fathers death, harrasment from a female friend of hers, everything. That's why I don't understand why she won't tell me everything.

[All4Her]

Once I was out of town for business and she made me face time and look around the room to make sure no one is there lol, all while she was doing this.

It hurts me more not knowing then knowing. Knowing something else happened I can get over it and have a foundation of trust to build upon again. Not knowing and not being told is what kills me.

It's been 2 months and a few weeks since this all went down. At this point is it to late to continue digging, and would do more harm then good. I guess my first step in rebuilding trust is believing her but it's so so hard.

Another concern of mine is that since she gave up karaoke because that is a place she used to meet them there I feel that I have to keep her entertained which concerns me that what happens when she isn't entertained. Is this going to happen again.

[Stillness]

Some people don't know how to accept wholesome love, so they trample on it. People are always out for the blood of the abuser, but sometimes it takes two to tango.

I don't understand why it's too late to dig if you're suffering. But you're the man. It took strength to uncover this. I wish you and your wife well. Let us know how things proceed if you can.

And WELCOME!

[Arvan]

Once I was out of town for business and she made me face time and look around the room to make sure no one is there lol, all while she was doing this.

It hurts me more not knowing then knowing. Knowing something else happened I can get over it and have a foundation of trust to build upon again. Not knowing and not being told is what kills me.

It's been 2 months and a few weeks since this all went down. At this point is it to late to continue digging, and would do more harm then good. I guess my first step in rebuilding trust is believing her but it's so so hard.

Another concern of mine is that since she gave up karaoke because that is a place she used to meet them there I feel that I have to keep her entertained which concerns me that what happens when she isn't entertained. Is this going to happen again.

Oh God...go to Chateau Heartiste for an advice. Sure, "manosphere" is sometimes misgynistic and shallow ("alphas" as sociopath role-models)- but there are not few truths out there. I'm not quite conversant with linx posting policy here, so just Google chateau heartiste (or, you can go directly and write an email- we'll see if this works: Link edited