[missmouse]

i am engaged, and we have a 5 1/2 month old son. while i was pregnant my fiance wen to a strip club, i never had a problem with him going.. he went there with the guys long b4 i met him, he asked me ot bring him his bank card because he didnt have money for drinks.. i had no problem with thta... now i must tell you something this is the grossest strip club in our town.. its got gross strippers taht are liek 50 with three brwn teeth... and i had made it quite clear if he got a lap dance i would be VERy angry.. he could be at home and have me rub all over him for free, not pay for it..

i show up and he is not at the table.. i sit downm with his " friends" about 30 secs later he comes out of the back room smiling WITH A STRIPPER.. that looks exactly like i desacribed. i freaked and walked out.
he came after me saynign his friend paid.. and he didnt wanna embarass her by saying no in front of everyone.. so he told her in the room... and was smiling cuz he knew he was dead..yet he didnt think about how embarasses iw ould be having him come out of taht room and all his friends laughing at me!!

i stil cant get over it.. he wants to be allowed to go out with his reinds to strip clubs.. but i am so insecure..
its causing problems


also he has a thing for short skirts nad stockings, when he told me this i wore it for him whenever he wanted... 3 months later i found porn he had downlaoded with a girl in stockings.. he had dial up.. it must have taken a week!!!
to add insult to injury when i wore the stockings and stuff for him i let him take pics, because he works out of town and i wanted him to have some so he could feel better... yet he still downloaded porn.. he woudl ratehr watch a stranger

and i have caught him with porn since,
i understand men are visual and i would watch it with him.. but he insists on hiding it..
its ben a couple months now and i have not found anymore
but i am still so suspicious.. and it stikk hurts..

it may also be because he admitted he is not taht attracted to me ne more, since i had the baby.. my son is 5 nad a half months old,,, and obviously my body suffered.. i still have 13 pounds of baby weight to lose..
its discouraging to know that makes him less attracted to me...

all this aside he is a good provider, affectionate, respects me, and we have fun together, i want to spend the rest of my life with him..
and it seems to be my insecurities that are making me unhappy


can anyone help me get over this?? its ruinign my life!!!!!

[metalbudderfly]

dear missmouse,
wow i'm sorry to hear that your going through this. well i have a similar story also. my ex used to be a strip club junkie, and yes he went to the ruanchiest club he could find. it is a blow to your self esteem. i have even ripped him out of this club several times and it really caused alot of pressure in our relationship. i know you stated he respects you but in my opinion he doesn't. especially if you have told him your feelings on this whole matter and how it does make you feel. i know about not feeling all that atractive after having a baby i have 3 now and i know that i will never be as skinny as i was before i started. give it time it has only been 5 months. also for him to tell you he is less attractive to him because of you giving birth is not very nice. he should be greatful you have given him something so precious. i can understand how that would make you feel insecure. the porn thing, well my man loves to watch it and he will do so when i'm not even home or i will walk into the room and it will be playing on the t.v. he always acts like oh Sh** and quickly turn it off. i think they act that way because they got caught and don't want to p*** you off. maybe they are slightly embarrased by it. even though they have been told that you would enjoy it with them. i don't fully understand that either. well maybe you can sit him down and really express how you feel about this and how his actions are making you feel. tell him that you want to spend your whole life with him but you don't want to be degraded and always feel insecure. maybe ask him how it would make him feel if the shoe was on the other foot, you always sneaking around looking at other men it would probaly make him upset knowing you might desire other men. just remember you have acomplished something huge and wonderful, you have given birth to a beautiful baby and in my eyes that makes you a strong, beautiful woman.... when your confident it will show to everyone and especially to him. so try to hold your head up high and it will show. he might just realize that whoa you are a very desirable woman and he needs to be more attentive to your feelings. be strong and i hope you get through this.

[misskitty3]

I have to agree with lynne. the fact that you told him how you feel and he continues to do it (and hurt you just the same) means that he doesn't care about how you feel. my hubby would do things and i told him how it made me feel and still he does it. i get ****ed about it every time but he's not going to stop and you can't change that. they have to change. they have to want to change. we all know that we can't change other people.

if my hubby went to a club like that, i would laugh at him for being so pathetic. yes it is a blow to your self esteem cause he likes being around women like that, but seriously....its sad on his part.

if you read my previous posts you'll know that i am also having a self esteem issue with sex and hubby, so i don't think i can give you advice but be good to yourself. try and realize that this is his problem.

men are very visual when it comes to getting turned on. hubby has told me that he starts to watch porn and then ends up thinking about stuff that we've done together. maybe its lip service but i think the same way so maybe its true.

men also have been brought up that looking at that stuff is wrong. and that they are wrong for wanting to look at it, but look at the industry, multi-billion each year! so the guilt they feel origionally on top of what we think may make them even more succeptible to hiding it.

good luck with everything.

[Dragonfly]

It sounds like your man is a superficial, self indulged, a-hole!!! He does not respect you... He degrades you. If you just gave birth 5 months ago and he is telling you he is not attracted to you - that is MEAN! He should help out with the baby so you can work out. When you get back into shape you won't be attracted to him either, even now I would not be attracted to him - because he is talking so poorly to you. The only woman he could get is a ugly stripper that he would pay for - because any woman with a good self esteem would not put up with his ****...

[LadyLane]

Don't forget that your hormones are also in a crazy state right now... things that maybe would bother you a little before are could be bothering you a lot more now. Like the porn thing. Both parents kind of go through a phase after the baby is born. Maybe his phase is ugly strippers wearing signs that say "Next tooth, one mile."

He should have realized how embarrassed you would be, seeing him come from a lap dance, and in front of his friends, and apologized to you.

And let's guess that he didn't realize how badly his comment would hurt you about not being attracted to you lately - come on now, we all know our men are just little boys with pubic hair most of the time. They do dumb things. You should tell him how much that comment hurt you - you gave up your body to give him a son, and he needs to show that body some love and respect!

I felt really gross for about six or seven months after I had my daughter. I would see myself in mirrors at the mall and just die inside. It took nine months for your body to get the way it did, and it takes at least nine to twelve months to get back where it was. Give yourself time. Clue him in on how you're feeling - he's not going to leave you for an ugly stripper in a mini because you have some baby weight left. I promise. It's hard not to be suspicious and worried when your life just had a big change. It's going to get better.

[EmotionsRvalid]

Your man is ignorant or MEAN

Dear missmouse you have every right to be upset especially when you made it clear that he isn't to get a lap dance for crying out loud. Strip clubs in my opinion are way over the line to begin with. To me marriage and engagement etc. is forsaking all others and being one with your spouse. When my wife had our daughter it was hard on both of us- but hard doesn't mean you quit. It means it's time to grow, prove, and build something to look back on for the next time things get hard. Life is hard enough without cheating, saying mean things, etc. Your man seems ignorant or mean by the responses you've represented him with. What you do now is going to TRAIN HIM that it's either acceptable behavior, or not. NOW, you want someone who really wants you don't you? Make him prove it by towing the line. Men naturally expect women to have hormones etc. We put up with it because they're worth it! The sex is worth it! The trust is worth it! The way women make us feel is obviously worth it. Sweetie, if you don't really stand up for yourself your sandcastle of a man isn't going to be worth having and will likely fall apart. Men need good women! Women need good men! Stand up for yourself!!!! Train him up or get rid of him! If you can't train him, or if he can't be the kind of man you need- don't marry him. To be trained or want to change himself ( because he's the only one in control of his own change) there has to be something he's afraid of or something he wants. There has to be a motive. That's where you come in. If you give him everything- he has everything he won't change. He'll have nothing to fear and nothing to lose. Everyones like that. It's just how people are. You know what's the best kind of person to get involved with? People who are self motivated by a love of God and his children. And uh, they aren't found in strip clubs! You find them at church, volunteering etc. So... you know where to find one if he doesn't work out. Love and Blessings- EmotionsRvalid = )

[jazzygal72]

If he said that he's not attracted to you anymore and all you have is 13 lbs to get back to pre-baby weight, the guy is just rude. And mean. And hurtful.

I don't think that you have to "get over it" as your title suggests. But, I believe he does.

[missmouse]

he is VERY shallow
I have actually caught him sneaking sorund with porn again...
i suggested a trial seperation..
and its been a few weeks and we are tryign to work it out.
its not the porn per say
its the lies.
and the complete and ytotal disregard for my feelings when i do EVRYTHING for him
hes not working.. hes going to school.. and didnt wanna work while doing so
i I went back to work so we can live.. i can respect he wanst to better himself,,
but he still expects me to do all teh housework
i hope that being without his family will make him realize what he has.
if not i dont need to waste my time on a little boy


but man does it hurt........

[dawn9800]

Well I really hope that he turns out to do right, but if not sweetie you will be fine

[anonymouswhitefemale]

You say it's not about the porn it's about the lies, but do you give him any reason to tell the truth about porn? I find this funny, a lot of women say this. That they wouldn't mind the guy watching porn as long as he filled her in on all the gory details - and yet, if you even said the words "I was watching por-" you'd get shouted and guilt tripped into the ground. So of course we wind up lying about it...

He sounds like a bit of a fool though...