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christian marriage and sexual compatibility

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  • christian marriage and sexual compatibility

    Hi!
    I'm 21 and my future wife is 23. We're Christian and are getting married, as virgins, next year. We do get involved in kissing and cuddling.

    My situation is that I have a very high sex drive. I believe touching is a wayof connecting, so I like hugging and touching those who are close to me, and I dont feel like hugging those I dont know or like, differently from what people in my country do (brazilians love hugging everybody). It goes without saying that I really enjoy making out with her when we get the chance and im looking forward to taking it to the next level after marriage.

    In the beginning of our relationship, she seemed to be very much into kissing too. She took the initiative in making out pretty soon in our relationship, quite differently from what our christian tradition encourages (kissing and making out is ok, but usually later in the relationship).

    Recently, though, her sex drive seems to have gone down, while mine naturally increased with the augmentsd intimacy and deprivation of sex. Thus, I've been "rejected" more often than before, and kissing is not as intense.

    I try doing things I know thar turn her on, such as massaging, but it doesnt seem to work. Even after very romantic dinners, going out, surprises, she wont feel like doing more than smooching.

    One of those days, I massaged her, and tried to build up the moment very slowly, which seemed to work, but when I got to trying to kiss her, she kissed me for 2 min or so and stopped. Out of frustation I said she was "hard to please". She got very sad after I said it, and started crying saying she really is hard to please and that shes been trying to be as affectionate as I am, but thar she just cant. She doesnt like kissing the way I do and that shes afraid of being a bad wife and not satisfying me.

    I feel very frustrated because I know I need touching and eventually sex to be fullfilled. I reassured her our relationship is bigger than that and that I dont want her to fake or do something she doesnt feel like doing. I love her very, very much and I want to spend the rest of my life serving God with her. I recognize, though, this is a problem. She even mentioned she might have her hormones checked... I really dont know what to do.

  • There is nothing worse than having someone hanging all over you all the time. It can feel like you are being smothered. She may feel that all you want is that aspect of her. Give her some space, try to not always touch her, kiss her, massage her. Go for a walk and simply hold her hand. When you do kiss, try not to make it a long involved smooch kiss. Keep it light, airy but with promise of more at another time.

    I for one, would feel really uncomfortable with someone glued to me all the time, perhaps this is what she is feeling as well.

    She may be afraid that because of your intensity that she is in danger or losing control and the two of you having sex prior to being married. You know the old saying, where there is smoke, there might be fire.

    Ease up a bit and see what happens.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.

    Comment


    • I'm Christian two and my beliefs on this are similar to yours. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to have an understanding and agreement on sex before you marry.

      My wife and I weren't Christians before we married, but we started becoming Christians while we were dating. It caused a lot of issues for us sexually. We had both been raised up in different faiths, but both with traditional, biblical views on sex. So it was always a struggle for us - particularly with my wife's (then girlfriend) conscience. It was hard for us to go from a sexual relationship to a non-sexual one. We had a lot of break-ups and falling outs over it. Because she really enjoyed sex and we had really good sex when we did have it, I thought that marriage would fix things. It did not.

      What I found out after marriage is that my wife has much less of a need for intimacy than I do. Because she is a good woman, she doesn't turn me down. But it's no fun being in a situation where you're getting it because it's obligatory. That means I go without - a lot.

      We're 14 years into marriage now. With a lot of communication, patience, and effort, things have improved. We're a lot closer. We're a lot more affectionate. Sex is actually better than it has ever been between us. Things are good. But our relationship is still not want I want it to be. She's the one I want to be with forever. But if for some reason I was ever dating again, I would definitely have a serious conversation about intimacy expectations. I absolutely would not marry anyone if I thought we might have issues there. I don't care how sweet, pretty, charming or smart she was, how good she could cook, how much my mamma liked her, how much she loved God, or how good she is with babies and animals. If I even got an inkling that I wasn't going to be getting a lot of affection, I'd mercilessly drop her like a hot potato - with no remorse or pity.

      Marriage is hard. Intimacy is one of the things that makes it worth it. Marriage does not fix problems that you have beforehand. I've never heard someone say, "My boyfriend/girlfriend had X issue, but I married them and it went away." It's always, "I thought it would get better, but I was wrong." Or, "I didn't know we would have this problem, but we do." I'd carefully count the cost and consider whether or not you want to go into a marriage that will have intimacy issues, because it's likely that it's exactly what you'll have. It can make your life miserable.

      Do some searching on this site. There are a lot of people with this problem. Think carefully. Best wishes and welcome to the site.
      "Those sowing seed with tears
      Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

      Comment


      • Mismatched libidos is fairly common, but not what I consider a problem. It becomes a problem if one or both parties refuse to compromise, communicate and work to resolve the issue. It appears you two are not on the same wavelength regarding sex. This does not necessarily mean the relationship cannot work. However, this is something that you definitely need to resolve before making a permanent commitment. Can you talk with somebody to help you guys through this? A couples counselor, pastor, etc? As Stillness said, this will not get better after marriage. If anything, this is probably the tip of the iceberg and will only get worse with time, similar to what you currently are experiencing.
        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

        Comment


        • Everyone has given you some sound advice. I will take a bit of a different approach. Please do not take my comments as a disrespecting your religious convictions. I respect your beliefs; but every decision has its consequences.

          Claret is right. You want to get your sexual gratification through kissing and snuggling . . . your time together is focused on you trying to get her "in the mood". Not only is she feeling smothered, it seems to me that she is frightened about how it will be in the future. Your fiancé has no (or very limited) sexual experience and maybe lacks basic information. If this is how you are trying to kiss her, she has to be thinking what life will be like with you always wanting to have sex. She has probably heard all of the horror stories about sex . . . it could hurt her, you could be too rough, etc.

          I not believe that her current actions are indicative of her libido during marriage. She has no reference point, no real world experience . . . in short, no clue, what sex will be like for the two of you. At this point, she only sees you as over sex. I do not believe you have a clue what you libido will be like during marriage. Once you two settle into a routine and you have sex, twice or three times a week might be enough for you. Again, you just don't know.

          With all due respect to DreamP, whose advice is fantastic once you marry your fiancé, I am in complete agreement with Stillness. We (and most men) would not enter into a relationship where we know that there is a mismatched. Both of us have gone through relationships where sex became worse than infrequent. Divorce was a far easier option for me. For you and Stillness less so, if it is an option at all.

          So, take Stllness' advice and make sure to talk it through with her. Comfort her with the fact that you will give her space both before and in marriage, just as Claret advised. And, if you do get married, give your all at working things through. Use your pastor, a counselor or even a mutual friend to help.

          Good luck to the both of you.
          "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

          Comment


          • Thanks, guys. Reading all this has been really helpful. I'm gonna try talking to her or maybe having somebody help us. Do you think a good doctor would be able to help us?

            There's still one thing I dont understand, though. Everything you said makes sense. She might be afraid of kissing leading to pre-marital sex; I might be smothering her... but why has she changed? I just can't understand why she was into it before and now she isnt, because I reckon those reasons you guys brilliantly singled out should be there since the beginning...

            I understand I do have to talk to her about this... but mustering courage up for it is very hard

            Comment


            • For some people, once the newness of a relationship or an activity wears off they lose the passionate interest they once had. If you use the search feature, you'll find that a lot of the people with intimacy problems didn't have them at first. Their mate changed. Their drive cooled off.

              And please don't make the mistake of thinking that it's a female thing. It's not. There are women who cannot get enough. There are men who could do without. It's individual. You and your fiancé are likely mismatched.

              I do agree with effy that the actual sex act may change things for both of you. If she had said that the kissing was too heated or that she's concerned that you two may go to far, that would be one thing. But that's not what she said. She cried, said you like it more than her, that she can't be affectionate like you, and she's concerned that she won't be good for you. When people tell you what they are and show you, believe them. You probably are getting a glimpse of the frustration that you'll experience when you're married.
              "Those sowing seed with tears
              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

              Comment


              • Originally posted by fariswyatt View Post
                There's still one thing I dont understand, though. Everything you said makes sense. She might be afraid of kissing leading to pre-marital sex; I might be smothering her... but why has she changed? I just can't understand why she was into it before and now she isnt, because I reckon those reasons you guys brilliantly singled out should be there since the beginning...
                (
                She could just be overwhelmed. This is all new to her as well. Your fiancé is young and facing all the realities of marriage. I can only assume that she has lived a somewhat sheltered life. Go slow, be kind and gentle and get the courage to save your relationship.
                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Stillness View Post
                  I'm Christian two and my beliefs on this are similar to yours. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to have an understanding and agreement on sex before you marry.

                  My wife and I weren't Christians before we married, but we started becoming Christians while we were dating. It caused a lot of issues for us sexually. We had both been raised up in different faiths, but both with traditional, biblical views on sex. So it was always a struggle for us - particularly with my wife's (then girlfriend) conscience. It was hard for us to go from a sexual relationship to a non-sexual one. We had a lot of break-ups and falling outs over it. Because she really enjoyed sex and we had really good sex when we did have it, I thought that marriage would fix things. It did not.

                  What I found out after marriage is that my wife has much less of a need for intimacy than I do. Because she is a good woman, she doesn't turn me down. But it's no fun being in a situation where you're getting it because it's obligatory. That means I go without - a lot.

                  We're 14 years into marriage now. With a lot of communication, patience, and effort, things have improved. We're a lot closer. We're a lot more affectionate. Sex is actually better than it has ever been between us. Things are good. But our relationship is still not want I want it to be. She's the one I want to be with forever. But if for some reason I was ever dating again, I would definitely have a serious conversation about intimacy expectations. I absolutely would not marry anyone if I thought we might have issues there. I don't care how sweet, pretty, charming or smart she was, how good she could cook, how much my mamma liked her, how much she loved God, or how good she is with babies and animals. If I even got an inkling that I wasn't going to be getting a lot of affection, I'd mercilessly drop her like a hot potato - with no remorse or pity.

                  Marriage is hard. Intimacy is one of the things that makes it worth it. Marriage does not fix problems that you have beforehand. I've never heard someone say, "My boyfriend/girlfriend had X issue, but I married them and it went away." It's always, "I thought it would get better, but I was wrong." Or, "I didn't know we would have this problem, but we do." I'd carefully count the cost and consider whether or not you want to go into a marriage that will have intimacy issues, because it's likely that it's exactly what you'll have. It can make your life miserable.

                  Do some searching on this site. There are a lot of people with this problem. Think carefully. Best wishes and welcome to the site.
                  I agree with everything you've said. Sex is so important to me and is definitely one of my highest priorities in a relationship.

                  Comment

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