[rcoreyus]

I'm always curious in this situation how a man would react if his woman was in that setting. I think 9 times out of 10 we can all guess.

Guess I'm the 10th. Wouldn't bother me a bit if my wife decided to sit on the lap of some hunky Australian crocodile wrestler. But I'm unusual.

[PennyLane123]

There are levels of hurt. I think gettin a lap dance is offensive and wrong - but (to most people) not nearly as wrong as actually having sex with someone else. I don't want to weaken the meaning of cheating by applying it to things that are less serious.

I agree with you that getting a lap dance is offensive and wrong. My husband did this to me, as I found out, many times behind my back. He knew that it would hurt me, so he lied.

I know it wasn't the same thing as actual sex with someone else, but to me and many other people, there are many different forms of cheating than sex. To me, any form of cheating = cheating, and is just as hurtful as if he'd gone all the way.

Emotional affairs happen without sex, kissing someone else (without sex), letting guys buy you drinks all night, having lunch with an ex, or me just fooling around with someone else, getting foreplay, without finishing the act.... If I had done any of these things behind my husband's back, he'd be feeling just as hurt and betrayed as I feel after he did this to me.

To me, the fact that he interacted physically with another woman for the purpose of getting himself turned on is cheating enough. He paid a woman to get naked, rub herself all over him, stick her breasts in his face, touch him with her breasts, and grind her gentials / butt on his erection through his pants.

I knew someone who bartended in a strip bar, and the "dancers" there reported that half the time, the guys would end up so "satisfied" it "required a change in costume", if you know what I mean.

So, with that in mind, just because the guy doesn't touch her, he's paying her to touch him. Just because his pants didn't come off, I don't see much difference between this and getting a hand job, blow job, or any other sexual favor. In this case, the girl just used a different body part to arouse him.

Somehow, because he chose to do this with someone else besides me, I don't quite feel "special" knowing that he did all these things, just didn't take it out of his pants.

Your mileage may vary. In other states, it's illegal for the dancer to have any contact with the guy. They have different regulations in some places where the dancer must be 3 feet away, 6 feet away, have both feet on the floor, etc. In the state I live in, the dancer can touch the guy, he can't touch her. But what's "okay" here would be considered prostitution somewhere else. Depending on the type of place, some strip joints ignore the rules. I think that's often where the line of "cheating" gets blurred and people have different opinions on this subject.

[PennyLane123]

Mrs.G,

Obviously, I'm in a similar situation as you.

I consider this cheating, even though in my situation, my husband didn't spend that much money!

To me and many other people "cheating" is when your partner does something with someone else behind your back that he would never dare do in front of you. Or does something that he later needs to lie to you about.

For those of you that define cheating / sex more narrowly, it is still offensive, disrespectful, and inappropriate for a monogamous relationship. Still a dealbreaker in my book.

Even if you hadn't clearly defined to him exactly which things you consider cheating, he doesn't get off the hook so easily. It was also his responsibility to have the "cheating talk" with you before doing something that would hurt you / betray you. He's a grown man, not a four year old whose mommy never told him it wasn't okay to use his crayons to scribble on the walls.

...Back to the amount of money your husband spent- ONE THOUSAND POUNDS??? A typical lap dance here is around $20. It sounds an awful lot like he got WAY more than lap dances with that money, I'm sorry to say. It sounds like he's still not being fully honest with you.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this, and I understand all too well how much this hurts.

Things to consider:

1. He needs to tell you the FULL truth about what happened. Not compound this with more lies, or minimize his actions.

2. Is he repentant? My husband said "sorry" followed by a string of excuses, justifications and basically spent the rest of the time arguing that he didn't see anything really wrong or hurtful about what he did. Even after months of counseling. It wasn't what I needed to hear to be able to feel better about him / our relationship, but it was something I needed to know- where it stands so I can make my decision to stay or leave. That tells you a lot about the relationship vs. what you thought it was.

3. How many other times has this happened? For me, it wasn't just once, it was many times behind my back. It showed me that the relationship I had with him wasn't really ever what I thought it was, vs. a one-time mistake.

4. Think about how important it is for you to be on the same page with someone in terms of values. If he argues that this was "okay" while you find it hurtful and devastating, can you just agree to disagree? Sometimes a clash in values over anything important like sexual boundaries, religion, political views, is too much of a difference to be compatible.

5. He needs to promise to never do this again, and be accountable for where he goes, what he does, and what he spends your money on.

6. He needs to listen to and respect your feelings on this, without getting defensive.

Those are a few things off the top of my head.

[C]

I will agree with the others...I guess I would call it pretty close to cheating...and many times it is down right cheating.....For the money he spent, he just may have had some add on's .....I know this does happen and actually quite frequently..........

[impatientlywaiting]

I guess i'm kinda outspoken here...

I personally don't see anything wrong with it. My fiance has been to strip clubs before, never spending that much money of course. But we set out ground rules about what is exceptable and whats not in our eyes, which i think was a very important thing to do. I'd say this would be a trust issue for sure if he knows you would be upset, but don't consider it cheating.I also think that it is imperative that you would also be allowed to participate in such things if you wish, whether it be joining him for an evening to see what all the fuss is about or going to the male nudie bar for a night of fun with the girls. Like my mom always said " It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as your coming home for dinner."

[TheBlackCat]

No one can determine whether it's cheating or not besides you, as everyones Moral views differ based on cultural background, beliefs, values etc.

I think you already know the answer, since you stated that you believe it to be so.
It was hurtful, you feel betrayed, degraded and find it unacceptable financially and emotionally.

Cheating is something something that is discussed in a relationship so each partner can understand where the boundaries lay in acceptable behavior.
Though some might find cheating more in sexual nature, i personally believe if my husband went behind my back to do something, and hide it from me, to be deceitful, and therefor cheating me out of honesty.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am curious as to how you found out? If he told you, and where you got the information pertaining to the dollars spent i mean, that to me is one hell of a high class, Hollywood star price!

If he told you and what he paid? I mean can you ask him for $2000+ grand to buy a new wardrobe instead? Comprising of sexy clothes as well as what ever YOU want?

[rcoreyus]

The price seems unreasonably high to me. There was a story recently of the New York Governor (or something) spending $4000 on a night with a prostitute - and the story implied that that was a very high price.

$2000 is too much to pay even for a full evening with a prostitute. Is there something else going on? Drugs maybe?

[anonymouswhitefemale]

And what drugs are that expensive?

Most drugs are cheaper than alcohol; price to wasted ratio.

[Little]

Depends on where you are and what the quality of the drug is, I assume.
We're learning about Imperial Spain in my Spanish Civ class right now; when the country was rich, inflation was wild.
If you are a regular drug user and have a regular dealer who knows you're pretty poor, he'll probably charge you less.
But if you are new to the game or known to be wealthy, the dealer would probably charge you more, A, for the risk he's taking in selling to you and B, to test how naive you are.
Pure theory, as I've never done a "drug" in my life.