[Sis]

Whilhelm - I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful and reasoned response on this topic.

I too have just discovered that my husband has been viewing porn online despite the fact that he had promised a couple of years ago not to do it again. I was so upset and angry the first time, not just at the idea of him seeking sexual gratification from looking at pictures of other women (and teenagers, i.e. less than half our age), but also at the series of lies which I had to batter through, that I was close to ending our (relatively new) relationship at that time. The fact that he did it all again, despite knowing how badly it hurt me before and how much it endangered our relationship, has made me feel even more angry and upset this time. I have spent a few days drowning in similar emotions to those expressed by sickandtired, though have been feeling a bit calmer and more rationale today (hence finding this forum in relation to the possibility of forgiveness, rather than wanting to run him through with the breadknife!). Your advice, understanding, comments on the effect of divorce (I should know, I've been there too) and explanation of the potential for a habit to become compulsive, has helped restore a bit of balance and perspective in my own mind. Thanks again, and I hope that sickandtired is feeling a bit better by now too!

[Guest]

hi sis -

glad you found the forum. sorry you're going through that. there's been lots of discussion about this topic here. it's such a common problem for men - thus a common problem for marriages.

addictions, by definition, cause people to pursue behaviors despite the consequences. if the addict thought it through, he would no doubt conclude that porn was not worth it, he would not choose it over his marriages, he would acknowledge it would devastate his wife, he could lose his job, respect of his children -

and then he would look at porn anyway, as though none of those conclusions ever dawned on him.

it causes guys to abandon all reason & sensibility. porn is particularly bad because it engenders such secrecy. not only will the guy deceive himself into ignoring the potential consequences, but the alienation & secrecy gives the false sense of anonymity - the illusion that he's safe.

i'm glad you want to forgive your husband & i hope that, through it all, he appreciates the love you have for him. i don't know him but i would guess he doesn't want to want to look at porn. that wasn't a typo. he probably hates those desires & what they do to your relationship.

hope it goes well.

[SheenRe]

Porn

Reply to your comment: No woman nor a man should ever have to live with a woman or a man who does not care about her feelings. Raising a child in an environment where a parental figure is a selfish, self-centered egoist is not good for children. And when one of their children, like my 21 year old daughter sees him doing his thing the damage is profound. Christianity requires that we forgive , like God does, when a person has repented. What is that. Realizing the injury, and never doing it again. It doesn't say become an enabler for an abuser.
Is it practical to end your own sex life for one who seeks to hog up more and more and give nothing in return. I think not. However, if you feel the need to stay financially, you have to decide if the money is worth your self-esteem, your dignity, your happiness and your sex drive. Because believe me, I did that and it isn't worth it in the long haul. I stayed, made the best of it, stayed sweet and usable, to give our daughter a better life...I thought.,..until she saw his porn fetish and puked for days. She lost her respect for him. And now has no healthy male image to compare with. Is that good? Doesn't feel like it from her end nor mine.

Looking at porn, fantasizing about sex with others, is infidelity. The Bible says so. Have a look. Your heart says so. Have a listen. And it certainly offers the option to divorce a philanderer.

That of course is a choice about how much your romantic, and sexual life means to you. And how much your happiness means to you. If it means nothing in light of your financial status, then go for it, but keep your sex life with him, if there is any, wholesome and where you don't feel used and unsatisfied.

Make sense?

I'm just going to look at the practical side of this: It will be difficult to find a man you can be sure will not look at porn. Even if you get a divorce, how will you know the next man will not do the same thing? Many men look at porn, whatever they may say.

You have 5 kids. They are your top priority. A divorce will hurt them.

You have a few choices:

1) Be a christian. Forgive your husband for what he has done. AND forgive him if he does it again. If he is too weak to resist sin, then make him stronger. Remember the "for better or for worse" oath you swore before god. Well, this is the "worse", but not the "worst".

2) Be practical: The porn is only hurting your feelings. Its bad - but not that bad. These discussion groups are filled with women whose husbands cheat on them, hit them, rape them. Put your pain in perspective. If it were just you - the porn offends you, so leave him. But - you have 5 children, you don't have the freedom to be offended.

3) Think - really think - why does the porn bother you. What is so bad that you will risk your children for it?

I keep mentioning children, because to me your duty to your children transcends all others. When you decided to have a child, you decided to have complete responsibility for another human being - for at least 18 years, and somewhat for the rest of your life. Go to counseling, have a positive talk with your husband - but above all PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN! The porn will not hurt them, but your reaction to it, and to him will.

[Guest]

Looking at porn, fantasizing about sex with others, is infidelity. The Bible says so. Have a look

Well, the Bible also says "an eye for an eye"...But I think we left those "ages" a long time ago..

My point, one persons religious beliefs IS NOT anothers!

[rcoreyus]

Wow, we're risking discussing porn AND religion in the same thread - sure to lead to disaster <g>

People's views on porn and religion vary widely - and many people are convinced that their view is correct, and everyone else's is wrong.

[Little]

Unggghhhh OLD OLD OLD thread from almost a whole year ago! NO NECROING PLZ.